ArizonaSherry

My precious gift...

2008-07-14T04:44:00Z

It seemed since my daughter was a young girl that our personalities clashed. I love her more than anything in this world. She was my life, my everything from the moment I saw her little face. She was my precious gift from heaven and she still is. Kayla is 16 and half now. She went through hell during early adolescence. She put me through hell. I wonder if she thinks, "when I'm a mother I'll never do that!". I remember thinking that about my own mom. I figured our clash was a typical daughter and mom deal. I observed my sister parenting my nephews and I think one factor is that boys are just easier to raise. Girls, or mine at least, from very young are constantly in your face pleading for you to play a game or barbie dolls with them. My sis would set her little boys down with a couple toy trucks and plastic army guys and not hear a peep for hours. I thought how lucky she was not to have a girl and then I thought how lucky I was to have a girl. She was a happy, intelligent baby and toddler. Also, very, very entertaining and brought me much joy. At 3 years old she was helping her developmentally disabled cousin who was 6 years older than her when the other kids were picking on him. She has never stopped helping him. She would never hit a child back who had hit her because, she said, "I don't want to hurt anybody, mommy". I had told her to hit the bullying kids back. She just couldn't understand why anyone would ever be mean to her or other kids at school.

Her heart is good, she is good no matter what she has done. And she has done much that I wish she hadn't. She chose the path to the wild side. At 14 she treated me as a nobody but demanded much from me, this all started at age 11. At 14 she laughed about my illnesses and pain. Just a year ago she started treating me like a human being. I know that Kayla's heart has not blackened but also know that she has a shield around it. Do we ever lose our kind hearts? Or our unkind hearts?

She and I are learning to move beyond that clashing. We are finding that place where we can meet and enjoy each other. I am into my 4th year battling SSA for my disability at this time. Kayla, my 16 year old daughter and her best friend who lives with us are supporting me financially, they are providing us with a place to live. What a very special young lady my Kayla is. I am forever grateful for my precious gift, my daughter.

A poem by me

2008-07-13T05:49:00Z

Knocking

He knocked on my door
called out my name
I hid my face
my reason was shame...

He reminded me of love
I turned and ran away
back to my misery
where I desired to stay...

He heard a pleading beggar
knocking on His door
calling out His name
needing so much more...

Mom's hometown and a horse

2008-06-18T17:30:00Z

It was 1973. Mom's hometown had two gas stations, two cafes, two bars and a tiny church as I recall. The University held a Reindeer research station in this remote Alaskan native village. Seems there were two popular hobbies around there. For the drinkers it was hanging out at the bar boozing it up. The others engaged in gossip and plenty of it. Everybody knew everybody and some knew everything everybody did too. Looking back I realize the strong "them and us" division. Possibly, this is quite common in small towns.

I think that day my mom was one of "them" because she was sitting in the bar while I roamed around exploring the outdoors. I had one thing on my mind after seeing the Buckskin mare moving freely without fences. I trailed the horse with 3 ft of baling rope in my hand. I was on a mission. Mr. Cotter exited from the bar door in perfect time to see an 8 year old girl aboard his horse galloping on by him. I rode and I kept riding. I was Calamity Jane. I was free as the wind. Somewhere behind me I heard, "Sherrrry, get off that horse!". My horse and I blazed trail through the tundra and brush.

Later that day I was the talk of the town. I was a star. I remember hearing, "nobody's been able to ride that horse". Mr. Cotter believed I deserved to have her and I was given a horse that day. The fulfillment of my dreams came to be on a summer day in mom's little hometown.

----I wrote this some time ago when writing about our family's life in Alaska----

Miracle Day

2008-04-15T04:03:00Z

Yesterday was a "Miracle Day"! I did nothing different the day before or the night before but I awoke and felt like the person I used to know. Pain level: 2 Energy level: 4

Yeeeehaw! Oh rarest of days how I welcome you and savor your moments. You inspired in me a song and laughter and the awe for life that stays hidden anymore. Ahhh but I am thankful.

Today a normal day......Pain level: 7 to 8 Energy level: 1

I still believe in miracles.

Sherry

Tell your story sweepstakes

2008-04-07T03:28:00Z

Imprisoned in a body of pain....

It hurts. It really hurts. It's a nightmare of a life to live. Many times I feel I am less than alive. There's loss. There's much loss. It's a life of loss after loss. The conflict of frustration, anger and sadness over it gets overwhelming. Emotionally I am sometimes a total mess. Sleep deprivation comes with intense, severe, chronic pain. The cycle then becomes more vicious. It's an invisible disability. Many who were close to me doubt, ignore me or have hit the road. I have learned crying and yelling only cause more heartache. I pray. I hope. I dream. I sing. I give and receive support to and from other chronic pain suffererers. What a blessing that there other people who understand firsthand! These are the things that give me the strength to get up for yet another day of pain. Somehow and in some way I know I can survive it.

Sherry

Winter lurks

2008-03-17T14:54:00Z

Winter continues to lurk around. Certainly not the winter I remember from Alaska. But oh how I long for the warming of the sun. I've learned this winter that cabin fever is not reserved for Alaskans only. Last summer my words were, "I can't wait for winter". Well sitting in a little shack of a house with no cooling system on solar power which could not handle even a portable swampcooler was pure hell. Most would be more than miserable wishing for winter. Relief came around 3:00 a.m. Summer was almost the death of me. Winter has meant propane for heating. The cost of propane is almost the death of anyone.

Sherry

I wonder

2008-03-16T04:35:00Z

I wonder. How did it come to this? The beginnings lost in a fog. Here I sit wondering once again. Oh yes it was the pain then extra challenges to work, more pain then doctors, more pain then losing abilities. Oh God yes it was losing abilities to work, ride horses, travel, camp and hike. It was SSD denial and denial from family that I had any physical conditions causing severe, chronic pain. I'm lazy so I've heard. I'm broke in alot of ways and I'm dependent. Trying to care for myself and a teenage daughter gone wild. It was another SSD denial and loss of money then finally a good doctor and proof of DDD, DJD, Spinal Stenosis, bulging discs all over with Fibromyalgia and Neuralgia. It was a new SSD case and more money problems as I only struggled to survive each day with pain from head to toe. It was frustration even anger and sadness. Losing my life and knowing it must be accepted but always keeping hope. I wonder how SSA could have denied the SSD yet once again as I was informed in a letter just last week. Will they drive me over the edge mentally? I wonder.