SDnative111

The Three Words That Drive Me Nuts!

2008-02-22T11:11:00Z

Gossip....can you say, "WOW!"...?? Have you ever noticed how destructive gossip is? I mean, is there a single thing about that particular past time that is positive?

Stupid...(sigh)...again, another word that will not ever be used in a positive manner. It's primary purpose is to degrade.

Accident...this word, is something that I've grown to dislike terribly. Primarily because I was a passenger in an "accident". The driver knew he was responsible for the precious cargo he was driving around. However, he didn't THINK about that enough....instead, he opted to focus on the wallet he had placed in the center compartment of the vehicle...instead of on driving.

Had he opted to do the latter, perhaps I would never have been put into the wheelchair. Had he opted to do the latter, perhaps...just perhaps, I wouldn't have broken half of my body when the seatbelt had released.

But then, IF I had listened to the gossip concerning his driving skills...IF I hadn't been so stupid and let him drive that day...would the accident have ever happened?

I guess there just might be something positive about gossip after all, huh? I shall remain undecided on the beneficial factors that stupid and accident have offered me though.

Anger Management

2008-02-19T10:50:00Z

Ok, I've been visiting this site a LOT and I've noticed a common theme with many folks...Anger...and no constructive means of dealing with it effectively. So, I will post a few things here in the hopes that those who haven't found a positive way of dealing with this emotion will find something they can use to help them here.

Personally, after the accident, I found myself fully enraged at the world and everything in it. I had already been mad as hell for years over the unbelievable abuse I had suffered as a child, a teen, a woman, and finally a wife. Since I had never fully worked thru all of that anger, I'd simply shoved it into the recesses of my mind, refusing to deal with it...always changing the subject to "something happy" and just kept shoving more hurt feelings and abusive situations into that same area until my mind resembled some sort of overstuffed suitcase. Well, after the accident, the tiny latch on the mental suitcase could no longer handle the strain and burst completely open.

I had been (unknowingly) leaking my anger out over the years...physical confrontation here....few hateful words there....but just enough to get the suitcase closed again so that I didn't unleash it all on someone who "didn't deserve" it. Well, on someone "I thought didn't deserve it" would be a more precise way of putting it. After the wreck, I didn't care anymore. Anger ruled everything I did. It ruled every thought, word, and action of my daily life. It even ruled my dreams when I went to sleep. Healing was a long way off and it would be a bumpy road.

I began to ask for help in my prayers one day when I finally realized that my Anger was destroying me and everything around me. It tainted everything in my life..and I mean everything. It didn't just keep people away from me, it repelled them at such a high rate of speed some of them won't ever return to the same hemisphere. Darkness.

How do you find the Light again? The Laughter? I started writing. I wrote about everything that had ever hurt me. Some days were good days where the pen made beautiful flowing lines across the paper like some sort of silent orchestra. Other days the pages were filled with tear stains...and the worst days were the ones where my pen would scream, "FEEL MY PAIN!" each word was large enough to cover an entire page. The more I wrote, the easier it became to mentally accept those events as "the past" and I would tell myself, "Now is the present...those things are not happening anymore. You are smarter now. You are better now." In time, I could envision a small pin prick of Light in my heart where before, I had only seen cold, hard stone.

Prayer was another tool that helped me a great deal and reading the Bible too. Prayer offered me the chance to forgive myself for the role I played in each situation, then to forgive the other(s) for the role(s) they played. The Bible offered me insight on changing how I viewed situations. It gave me another perspective and it taught me what Love was. I began to Love myself.

Since I was bedridden for so long, I couldn't very well vent my frustrations on anything I pleased, as I had done sometimes in my "old life". So, I used a pillow and I would punch the pillow, slam it around, scream at it...lol...until I was exhausted. I would heal.

Never have I been one to "count to 10"...but I learned to cultivate patience...and not respond the second someone/something pushed the Anger button. I learned to wait until I was calm...because I learned that Logic Will Defeat Anger....and I had to be Calm to find Logic. I did this by asking myself questions to defuse the situation. "Have they been conditioned this way?" "Is my interaction with this person based on Love?" "Or, is my interaction stemming from a desire to hurt another like I've been hurt?"

These are some of the tools I've used and the progress has been amazing. I no longer desire to lash out or hurt anyone...far cry from hating the world just a few years ago. Ahh, Light and Laughter....Finally!

Course, I've only covered one side of this emotion here and only what I've done personally to help me heal. If anyone else happens to have any tips for dealing with this emotion, please feel free to list them. I'm always happy to learn new techniques that will help me and the world around me!

What do the People I Like/People Who Like Me links mean?

2008-02-16T12:20:00Z

Color me confused alright..lol. I've noticed the People I Like/People Who Like Me links under my Favorites tab but I have no idea what they are for or why they are even there...lol. Anyone out there able to educate me on this?

Thank you!

Ms. Jessie

Last Night in the Chat Room...

2008-02-15T05:46:00Z

Last night, I spent several hours in the General Chat room with a group of people that had me laughing SO hard, I was literally crying! My belly hurt, my cheeks hurt, and it was THE best time I've had in awhile! (Steps up to the podium...)

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who happened to bless my lil' world with their presence last night! I had so much fun sharing "Most Embarassing Moment" stories with the group that I'm still smiling and chuckling, more than a day later. Thank you all!!! I look forward to more nights filled with laughter and funny stories!

Bless you,

Ms. Jessie :)

Convenience Store Dream

2008-02-10T08:09:00Z

4:00 a. m.

February 10, 2008

DREAM:

I'm in a convenience store but I'm not there as a customer. I'm working. I'm also walking instead of using the wheelchair I use in my waking life. I mull this over a bit in my dream and I'm happy about it and a bit amazed at the same time. The inside of the store is mostly white. The shelves are fully stocked. A gentleman (30's?, white, dark hair, no facial hair, approx. 6', med. build) and his young daughter (between 5-7, definitely not over the age of 10, white, dark hair, skipping along with her Dad) enter the store.

I hear the man ask for something specific as I am standing in an aisle straightening something on the top shelf. Then he and his little girl walk to another area of the store. I go towards the opposite end of the store (where the counter/register is) since I know I will be ringing up their purchase shortly and I don't want to make them wait...but I never actually see them again. Once I get there, I notice there is a pile of crumpled up and/or shredded paper on the floor.

The pile isn't very large but it looks like someone just shoved the trash into this lil' cubbyhole instead of throwing it away. This bothers me and I start to wonder if those papers belong to me since nobody else has been in the store but the man and his child...and they never came near this area so the papers couldn't have belonged to them.

I try to shove the balled up papers closer to the pile with my foot and I notice that I'm still wearing slippers (have worn slippers since my foot was crushed in my waking life). I fail in my attempt to shove the papers into an area where the customer will not be able to see them. Something gets my attention outside of the store and I look out of the window.

Outside of the window, I see a white convertible Cadillac (I have no idea if such a thing is made in waking life). A man is seated behind the wheel and I don't notice much about him. He's a black man wearing a tan fedora style hat and tan suit. My attention is drawn to the vehicle. It's stunningly beautiful and so brilliantly white it almost glows. It's not gawdy or anything, it's just brilliant. The buildings outside are dark and dreary. The street is dark asphalt with the lines on it either gone completely in places or needing to be repainted in others.

I wake up. I feel odd...happy yet sad, and even a little bit confused. I recall a friends' humorous dream about a convenience store and begin to laugh as I head for the computer to log my dream.

Waking Life Events Leading Up To Dream:

I posted a response to a blog yesterday which bothered me a great deal. I didn't have enough information to be comfortable with posting a response and yet I went ahead with the post. Since I am a freelance writer, I understand how important it is to have as much information as possible about the topic. This makes it so much easier to write effectively and I felt I had failed. (The blog was from a person asking for helpful techniques which would stimulate the mind for a young, female client who happened to be blind).

Translation:

Daughter: Symbolizes the young, blind female in waking life.

Father: Unknown. (Symbolic of the female's parent? Caregiver? God?)

C-Store: Symbolizes Disaboom and it's bringing the disabled community together so it's easier (convenient) to reach others. It also symbolizes how I've managed to keep the things around me (home, environment, mind, inner self, etc) bright and clean.

Fully Stocked Shelves: Unknown. (They are "important" but I don't know why yet).

Crumpled Papers: Symbolized the blog post I had made during my waking life. The one I felt I had failed on. Trying to remove them in the dream was symbolic of not wanting the post to be seen because I felt I had not done a very good job.

Cadillac: Unknown (Does this symbolize a "brilliant" idea? Or, perhaps it's symbolic of the vehicle for which an idea is relayed).

Black Man: Unknown (In many dream books, people of color are a positive sign. But I have no idea what this is symbolic of).

Buildings: Symbolizes the real world? Or possibly symbolic of how the young female sees the world?

** For me, I see the world (lately) as a dark place in need of repair. I've tried to reach out and have had my hand bit off by those who are still dealing with their anger and haven't found a positive way to release it. So, perhaps the bldgs. are my minds way of showing how my heart feels.

The convenience store plays a role in this too. I'm inside the store, which is ultimatly a glass box which doesn't allow people inside unless I unlock the doors. Inside this "box" I can maintain my peace, joy, and happiness and the anger, hatred from the outside world is not allowed in to tarnish or contaminate anything.

Silly Criminals

2008-02-07T21:39:00Z

Years ago, my daughters best friend lived up the road from us a bit and the two girls spent a great deal of time together. When I began to hear rumors of drug activity going on at the neighbors house, I restricted my daughter from going to her friends but fully allowed her friend to visit us. The point of this was to keep both children as safe as possible until I had some sort of proof as to whether or not the information floating around town was accurate or not.

While I was still doing my *ahem* investigative research (fancy way of saying I was spying on the neighbors) I happened to get a voicemail message on my cellphone around 4 a.m. one night. I was rather surprised to see the number belonged to Sue, the mother of my daughters friend. I called my voicemail right away, concerned that something had happened to her daughter, Lindsay. Turned out, Sue had accidentally hit a button on her cell and it had dialed my number without her knowing it.

For fifteen minutes, I listened to Sue and her husband, Bill discuss his irritation that she had used all of the meth. and not shared it with him. Instead, she had shared it with a female friend of theirs. Sue would then explain that there was no reason for him to be mad because they had made plenty and he would get his soon enough. (Yes, I was in shock and had to replay this over and over to make sure I had heard it right). They went on to talk about where Bill had put the money (nearly 20k) and when they were going to purchase more supplies. At the end of the fifteen minutes, there was no sound and the phone finally went dead.

Did they notice what they had done? I have no idea and I'm not about to hunt them down and ask them...lol. The voicemail did result in their arrest and prosecution though. Gee, go figure. Ya' gotta' wonder though, how many people out there doing illegal things have not locked the keypad of their cellphone, accidentally called someone, and left a very detailed account of their activities? Silly criminals.

*Names have been changed to protect the innoce...guilty.