I wonder.  How did it come to this?  The beginnings lost in a fog.  Here I sit wondering once again.  Oh yes it was the pain then extra challenges to work, more pain then doctors, more pain then losing abilities.  Oh God yes it was losing abilities to work, ride horses, travel, camp and hike.  It was SSD denial and denial from family that I had any physical conditions causing severe, chronic pain.  I'm lazy so I've heard.  I'm broke in alot of ways and I'm dependent.  Trying to care for myself and a teenage daughter gone wild.  It was another SSD denial and loss of money then finally a good doctor and proof of DDD, DJD, Spinal Stenosis, bulging discs all over with Fibromyalgia and Neuralgia.  It was a new SSD case and more money problems as I only struggled to survive each day with pain from head to toe.  It was frustration even anger and sadness.  Losing my life and knowing it must be accepted but always keeping hope.  I wonder how SSA could have denied the SSD yet once again as I was informed in a letter just last week.  Will they drive me over the edge mentally?  I wonder.