Disaboom BeautifulDisaster Blog

2009 to be continued..

BeautifulDisaster — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

hello bright shiney spankin brand new year! where will you lead me, in this, my very 1st year as a working adult? who will you mold me into? what will i learn that i didn't know in 2008? who will i gain and who will i lose on this yrs. journey? let's meet back here 365 days from now and we'll see if we can answer some of these questions. lets hope there are more smiles then tears to count, more successes then failures to remanise about, more love then loss to atrribute to the creator's hand in my life.

but mostly, let's hope when we meet again 2009, that you find a girl with more faith.. much more faith in God, life, love and herself. may you find a girl who knows what she knows, unmistakable and unshakebly..

see ya in 365 days!

Christmas lights outside my window..

BeautifulDisaster — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 01:55:00 GMT

Ever notice how thought provoking staring out your car window at christmas lights is? It's almost like you're mind could stroll through that maze of lights forever. Almost as if each light glowing starkly against the cold night is a seperate twinkling thought to examine. It's a bit magical really, like free therapy. Could put couselors out of work if christmas lasted all year.

Christmas chuckles!

BeautifulDisaster — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoV4aVmbW4Y&feature=related

Kung Poa Buckeroo Holiday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIMVmnhc73o&feature=related

James Penguin

Need vs. Want?

BeautifulDisaster — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 15:28:00 GMT

Do you prefer to be needed or wanted in a relationship?

They say to need another is co-dependence but I dunno it seems so horrible to me to go through life never needing anyone. For me wanting implies a temporary state, fickle desires that could change on a whim with a period of boredom. I want to need and be needed like my lungs need their next breath, like my heart needs it's next beat. All this co-dependence stuff seems like society's excuse to never fully surrender their heart to another, a built in exit strategy promoted by the mental health industry. God forbid any of us feel the real loss of someone we "need". Who could ever survive that? God forbid we ever exercise our hearts to their limits. Sometimes I look around me and it all seems so plastic. A bunch plastic zombies marching about in meaningless routines.. fearing, constantly fearing that which makes us most human. I rather have my heart break into a million unconsolable pieces then live in that plastic state, nevering having felt to my heart's capacity.

On a more random but equally important side note, I ate raw carrot sticks with my sandwhich the other day and I liked it! This disturbed me to my very core.

Ms. Wheelchair America, Part 3

BeautifulDisaster — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 12:35:00 GMT

LOL OK this is getting to be like one of those bad horror movie sequals that seem to be in endless supply. Wow... when I sat down to ramble about Ms. Wheelchair America I never expected this response! Many of you have been very encouraging and supportive about the idea, but some of you have made some interesting points that I would like to address.

Beauty pageants.. In general I think they are shallow, superficial and set the women's movement back about 20yrs. (Boy can you hear my feminist tendencies coming out?) This pageant isn't based on outward beauty, which is why I'm considering participating. However this thought occured to me this week, why can't it be based on outward beauty too? Why does it seem that being a disabled woman automaticly nullifies your beauty? As a society why can't we begin to evolve our narrow definitions of beauty to include that of a woman who might have CP or a woman (like myself) who has MD? If there's anything the recent influx of men hitting on me has taught me, it's that I'm (excuse my language) damn beautiful! Even with my body that's not shaped quite right and my puffy swelled feet and the scars from surgeries, I'm beautiful. Think about all the breath taking things in this world that start out as nothing more then an imperfection. A pearl is nothing but a bit of dirt a mulusc coughed up, but time polishes it into a thing of pure lusterous beauty. When will the world realize that imperfections are what create beauty not cookie cutter perfection.

I'm tired of seeing the defeated looking faces of young women who are disabled. Tired of seeing my own doubts about my beauty and value reflected in their eyes. Tired of seeing my disabled sister's dressed like old women before their time! Get rid of the turtle necks and show some clevage! Get rid of the granny panties! I don't care if they're practicle, buy a thong! LOL We're beautiful women and being disabled does not nullify our right to show it off! Being disabled does not nullify our right to win BEAUTY pageants. So maybe one of my commentors was right, why not Miss America?

LOL And don't all of you start on about me running for Miss America, it's a hypothetical statement!

Ms. Wheelchair America, Part 2

BeautifulDisaster — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:59:00 GMT

Ok since I can't figure out how to replay to all your kind comments I'm writing another blog! Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! I'm gonna give the pageant a go. No worries, I promise to keep all you updated on how it goes. Once again thanks for helping me hear opportunity knock at my door!

Beautiful Disaster

Raining men?

BeautifulDisaster — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

OK I'm officially freaked out. It's been yrs. since a guy has hit on me and in the past three week they're crawling out of the woodwork. Random guys popping up on my MSN msgr, men at conferences.. what's going on here? Is the dark side trying to tempt me cause my relationship is in a rough patch? At first it stroked my ego a bit but now it's just really getting a bit disturbing. Am I throwing off an "I'm available" vibe? I feel like in a bad cover of "It's raining men" and I don't have a rain coat!

soundtrack to my heart..

BeautifulDisaster — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 21:59:00 GMT

mmm music my sweet release.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7fyDM2Q_Rk&feature=related

When the heart becomes hard of hearing

BeautifulDisaster — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 20:14:00 GMT

.. i thought he would always hear me. i thought his heart would always hear when i called. these words don't even matter right now. they're all empty and useless if he can't hear me ... why can't he hear me? what happened? we use to finish each other's sentences. we were soulmates, everyone said so. he use to stay up till all hours of the night because he didn't wanna go to sleep and leave me. he use to fall asleep every night thinking of me.. now he falls asleep thinking of work. he use to dream of marrying me and strategize how he was gonna make that happen.. now he dreams of success and strategizes how to advance his career. i can't help but think the changes are because i'm not quite as important to him as i use to be. men are logical.. what would be your logcal conclusion? we give our attention to the things most important to us. i know all the men on here are gonna say it's natural, that men's careers are important to them. others are gonna say it's a stage in the relationship. after 5 yrs. people get comfortable and lazy. i know all these things. i've told them to myself over and over .. but heart doesn't understand. and y is it that women always have to be the ones to "understand" how men work? y can't men take a minute to consider how much it hurts to be an after thought? y can he think day and night about ways to improve business and never tire but thoughts about improving his relationship wear him out. it's like i'm a huge burden. A huge burden and an after thought.. would you feel important if you felt this way? would you feel safe and confident that you're loved? words are useless empty shells without action to give them meaning! love is an ACTION not a word! show me! show me damit! y can't you hear me screaming for you to show me! y can't you hear me?! i'm not the enemy.. you're not the enemy. y have we forgotten all of this? y can't you hear me, God please make him hear me...

Tribute to those who challenge the status-quo

BeautifulDisaster — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 19:23:00 GMT

I didn't create this youtube video but the spirit of the song is so revelent for those advocates in the disabled community who fought for and are still fighting for an inclusive world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi5t2l0spGc&feature=related

Ani Difranco When i'm Gone Lyrics:
there's no place in this world where i'll belong when i'm gone.
and i won't know the right from the wrong when i'm gone.
and you won't find me singin' on this song when i'm gone,
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
and i won't feel the flowing of the time when i'm gone.
all the pleasures of love will not be mine when i'm gone.
my pen won't pour out a lyric line when i'm gone,
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
and i won't breathe the brazing air when i'm gone.
can't even worry 'bout my cares when i'm gone.
won't be asked to do my share when i'm gone.
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
and i won't be running from the rain when i'm gone.
can't suffer from my pain when i'm gone.
can't say who's to praise and who's to blame when i'm gone,
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
won't see the golden of the sun when i'm gone.
all the evenings and the mornings will be one when i'm gone.
can't be singing louder than the guns when i'm gone.
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
all my days won't be dances of delight when i'm gone.
and the sands will be shifting from my sight when i'm gone.
can't add my name into the fight while i'm gone,
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.
and i won't be laughing at the lies when i'm gone.
and i can't question how or when or why when i'm gone.
can't live proud enough to die when i'm gone,
so i guess i'll have to do it while i'm here.

Love Story

BeautifulDisaster — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:04:00 GMT

Can't get enough of Taylor Swift's "Love Story" lately. See if men were the least bit perceptive they would listen to this and get it. Ms. Swift is giving them the secret to keeping a woman happy. We're all Juliette looking for Romeo and not for just a few years till your sure we are dearly in love with you. We want Romeo for a lifetime. *sigh* Romeo Romeo where for are't thou Romeo?

Ms. Wheelchair America?

BeautifulDisaster — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

I went to the statewide convention for people with disabilities this week. It was my 1st convention and I am so greatful I went. My firey spirit had deminished to a dull flicker lately and this gathering stoked my fire. It was a great net-working opportunity. I'm not sure what it was but I was the purson everyone had to meet.. lol fed my ego quite a bit. I even got hit on a couple of times, which felt good considering my boyfriend has stopped hitting on me. I haven't felt that apart of a group since I lived in the dorms. So I would recommend going to your local convention for people with disabilities as a pick-me-up.

Anyway enough of me rambling on about what a good time I had and lets get to the point of the blog. Ms. Wheelchair America! Ms. Wheelchair america 2005, Juliette Ruzzo, spoke at the convention. She was awe inspiring! Anyway her and the 20 or so people I met at the convention are trying to talk me into becoming a contestant in Ms. Wheelchair America. I've never been one for beauty pagents but I've done some research and it doesn't seem to be about that. It's about advocacy and accomplishments.. and most importantly it would give me an opportunity speak on some issues that are important to me. As a social worker who wants to get her foot in the door for influencing policy change, I wonder if this is a good place to start?

Opinions people! Pleeeeeasssse!

All grown up

BeautifulDisaster — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:07:00 GMT

Am settled in my new apartment and working at the local CIL. The job is rewarding and my apartment feels homey already. Strangely enough I feel as though I've been in my new life for yrs instead of the two months that its actually been. I turned 29 on election day and saw history made. All and all life is grande. I've acomplished most everything I set out to 5 yrs ago. I've gotten my degree, had the time of my life while doing so, I got my dream job straight out of college, have an apartment and I'm paying my way for the 1st time. From the outside looking in I've accomplished much but I am not content. I feel a bit like I've lost who I am yet again. I don't know the woman who stares back at me in the mirror. I don't know what she whats from life or where she is heading. I sigh a lot these days and from under my breath come the words "I wanna go home" but I don't know where home is anymore.

If I were to be truly honest with myself I'm most troubled by my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together 5.5 yrs. I love him beyond reason but the usual laziness that comes with becoming comfortable in a relationship has settled in. I miss romance. I miss the passion in his voice when he says I love you. God help me it sounds horribley self-centered but I miss knowing I'm his one goal, purpose, his everything. I want him him to feel safe and loved unconditionally but why don't guys get it? Why don't they understand women need to know that were someones princess. We all ache for that fairytale. I had the fairytale. I probably shouldn't complain, my Adam romanced me much longer then most men. He is sucha good man. how do you complain to the most amazing man you've ever met that he's not romancing you enough?

It's amusing. About the time I think I'm all grown-up I run into that little girl inside who's still just looking for happily ever after.

here fun fun fun..

BeautifulDisaster — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Summer has come and gone and fall is speedily on its way. The summer was long and tiresome. The hot days have been dotted with family conflicts and major life desicions. I move in two short weeks to begin my life as a working adult. I got my dream job straight off and am inching toward all the things I've dreamed of for years. I'm happy but I find myself missing college more and more. Nooo I wasn't in love with the exams and papers but I do miss the feeling of anticipation. My life felt full of potential while on campus. I loved feeling of being on the edge of great things and now that I've accomplished my goals I'm left looking about wondering what next. I need some fun and fast. Life has been far to serious and now it's time for some serious carefree time. Heres too hoping the heaven's are listening and send some my way!

p.s. Anyone else completely annoyed with our governments inability to get the job done these days. Am young, I wanna get married.. maybe make bebies I don't have time for an economic crisis!

Goin on a bear hunt

BeautifulDisaster — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Once again I can be found admist the ranks of females with lucious thick (albeit short) hair. This summer has taken a toll on my spirit and my head seems to reflect the undercurrant inside. I'm reminded of that well known chick flick "Legends of the Fall" where a very young Brad Pitt played a character who would slip into a very dark side of himself. They described it as the bear awakening inside his soul, a beard was the outward evidence of the characters emotional termoil. For lack of a better illustration we'll say the bear is stirring inside me & all the restless discontentment I left behind four yrs ago is lurking in the shadowy chasms of my heart. it seems to grow along with my hair.

Over the years shaving my head has come to symbolize a number of things but all those emotions could be refined into the simple concepts of freedom and balance within my life. Am I a rebel? Maybe.. if a rebel is a person who desires the right to become whoever she wants and believe thats she's beautiful no matter who she becomes. Now graduated from college I find myself again at a crossroad as I try to decide what kind of woman will be birthed from this season of my life.

The strong fearless woman I've become is waivering .. how will I measure success in this part of my life? Will success be found in a job? family? independence? marriage? My families voice is in my head begging me to stay close. My boyfriends voice advicing to choose based on logic. My professors call for me to aspire to great academic heights. All these voices and my own voice has gone silent.

What do I want? ...It seems that forgotten. Wish me luck on this bear hunt.