Disaboom bexyna Blog

NO Friends

bexyna — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 20:17:00 GMT

My best friend has just decided she can't be my friend anymore. I only have two other friends who I can't see or talk to very often because of location and their jobs. I feel so alone.

Life Friendship Things That Suck

bexyna — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:20:00 GMT

I've always been the strong one for my friends, a constant shoulder to cry on, helping with work, frienships, relationships etc etc. But since my accident its felt like I'm having to do that more and more often. Is this normal? The person who could do with more support ends up supporting everyone else? I tried to talk to my friend coz I was having a really bad and she told me I wasn't allowed coz she needed me to be the strong one. I just need someone to tell me its alright for me to be grieving for my leg and everything else that I've lost and no one seems to care that I'm finding it really hard. So I pu on more of facade and become more rock like, but every so often it cracks. I can't be that great an actor can I?

Which brings me to my next point; I miss acting; I miss dancing; I miss being able to move properly. And I know I can never go back to all that - even if i could still move an act. An its the hardest thing in the world to come to terms with. I'm happy when I perform but now when I try I'm also completely depressed and the two emotions just screw me up so bad that I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. So what do I do with my life now? I've got no money, no job, no studies, essentially no life. No friends really, they can't afford to come see me now they've all moved away to university. I'm just fed up of being in the house, being alone or with my parents. I just can't cope, i used to be so independant and now I'm just really not.

This sucks.

Roller Coaster Ride

bexyna — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 22:36:00 GMT

It will be six months since my above knee amputation in 7 days after getting hit by a car that mounted the pavement in January. In that time i've been on a roller coaster of emotions, mainly the negative ones. While i was in hospital, and learning to walk with my prosthetic, and all that kind of stuff, even when filling in forms for various diability living things, I never actually thought of myself as disabled. That was until today. A few years ago I rode horses on a regular basis and I decided that riding again might be just the thing to lift my spirits. I arrived at the stables to discuss with the manager about the possibility of riding. 'Our insurance doesn't cover rider's with disabilities'. It wasn't like a huuge thing; i'd encountered plenty of stuff to do with my disability already but I think that was the first thing to drive home the lie that i'd been told my medical staff and myself - that you can live a normal life, and there's not going to be things your not able to do. I wish it wasn't a lie, and maybe its not for a lot of amputees but the break to my left elbow, right femur and various other bones has left me with limited movement pretty much across my body. I'd been dealing with coming to terms with 'disabled' for a while but had been kind of thinking once I was back on my feet I wouldn't need to use it again. Unfortunately, in the eyes of the law, goverment, health department etc that is what I am from now until forever. I don't think its a bad thing, but i've had too many choices taken away from me recently; and I dunno this having to find a riding centre that deals specifically to disabled people just made me think more 'THAT's NOT ME!'. So i don't know if i'll be balancing this physically disabled but emotionally not all my life or whether eventually all these opposites facets that make up me 'bekih' will come together and i'll feel whole again.