What My Real Problem Is

I just joined Disaboom a few days ago, though I've known about it for a little while, and I was just at my friend's house letting her read my profile and posts-- she said I sounded like the "crazy cat woman " who had no life.   One of the replies to my introductory  post suggests blogs to get over my shyness; after a brief consult with my friend's 14 year-old, to find out what exactly a blog was, I decided to give it a try.

    Let me begin by saying I have a life and, up until five years ago, a pretty good one.   It all began on a nice (or so my mom tells me) day in March of 1972.   I came into the world a breech baby who was two months premature and Jaundiced ( this part of my story, I understand, is not unique) .   I am now 36 years-old, living with Cerebral Palsy; specifically, Spastic Diplegia ( my hands are also slightly affected whe it comes to my fine motor skills-- no big deal, I don't like to sew but tying my shoes can sometimes be a royal pain in the a**!!)

     When I was growing up, an only child (my mother was not able to have anymore after me), my family was terrific; especially my mom and maternal grandparents.   The end result, I became the poster child for positivity. I didn't even realize I was different from other kids because nobody made a huge fuss over my crutches and other accessories.   I did, however, go to a special school from kindergarten to sixth grade mainly because you had to back then ;also,  it was a good way for me to see the doctors  (they held clinics at school) and receive regular PT and OT.   I was mainstreamed to regular public school in 7th grade.   The initial adjustment was rough because, for the first two months I was playing catch up. After that though, it was basically smooth sailing-- I got good grades and I had friends who, like everyone else until this point, did not seem to notice my disability; I can honestly say I only remember one or two instances when I was picked on. The positive attitude  continued but don't misunderstand, everything was not always sunny happy faces.  Now, I began to learn that there were people to whom I would have to prove I was "normal".    This eureka moment was a giant culture shock for me, and sometimes very hard to deal with.

     What I discovered through out various points in  high school and college was that some people thought my CP was a big deal, and  they did not know how to act towards me because  of it.   I compensated.   I became a people pleaser; I tried to exceed what I thought the expectations were,I became a good listener and put other people( and there problems) before me.   I thought if I did this, the focus would be off of my disability and those people would recognize my worth and feel comfortable around me.   My strategy worked for me for quite a while.   I graduated college, found a job and even got married to a man I adored.  I had a house, two dogs and a step daughter who lived with me.   Life was great!   I had my own family and all of the things I thought people my age should have.   I was "normal"!!   Then one day it all changed.

    Five years ago, my husband's mother died-- he decided life was short and he did not want to be married to me anymore.   Instead, he wanted to be with my best friend of 15 years; "our  feelings for eachother just happened we didn't mean to hurt you.   You understand, right ?"   Wrong. We divorced, I changed my name back, moved in with my mom, fell, broke my elbow, couldn't walk or work for 7 months, and lost my job (not due to injury but that is a story for another time).  

 Things were starting to get better. My elbow healed, I could walk, I found my own apartment and Winston(my cat) and another job.   Then one night, I saw them together at a party and he told me he just couldn't do "it" (be married to me) anymore because it was too hard.   He had to help me with stuff that he doesn't have to with her.   So, in the end I have started to blame my CP for ruining me and my self esteem is shot.

   My real problem is that my attitude sucks and I don't know how to change it back to the way it was.   I don't want to be the person with a chip on her shoulder who feels sorry for herself, but I can't be sunny either.