With Mother’s Day fast approaching this Sunday, you most likely are finding yourself in one of two situations:  1) You’ve already purchased your mom an (obviously) awesome gift, so you’re sitting back with a smug look on your face as you watch all the other poor schmucks running around trying to find a decent purchase; or 2) You are one of the poor schmucks running around trying to find a decent purchase. Then, there’s always the case of forgetting completely that this Sunday is Mom’s Day. If you’re still searching for the Holy Grail of Mother’s Day gifts, here are a few suggestions of items to cross off your idea list in hopes of easing your shopping woes a bit.

1) Mop – Any kind of cleaning product to show mom how much you appreciate her and her cleaning skills is generally a bad idea, but it’s hard to top a mop (an old school mop, nonetheless). Such a gift would seemingly be your way of saying, “Well mom, hope you enjoy today’s breakfast in bed because tomorrow it’s back to household chores! Haha!” That’s just mean.

2) Black Roses – Flowers are usually a good idea (practically a failsafe) for Mother’s Day. However, I would advise staying away from The Black Rose Floral Co. You might think a box of twelve black feather (that’s right, feather) roses would be a sweet and sentimental gift, but something tells me mom will find this gesture creepy and wish you had even just plucked up a bouquet of dandelions on your way in the door instead.

3) The Humping Dog – Stuffed animals are loveable and cuddly, right? Especially a cute little Chihuahua. Except that Humphrey is a humping Chihuahua. This might change the cuteness of the gift just a bit…My guess is mom would not enjoy have a toy dog making sweet, yippy (yes, Humphrey is vocal as well) love to her leg all day.  

4) Pole Dancing Exercise Pole – You’ve heard mom talk about wanting to try a new exercise routine, so naturally, a pole dancing kit is the first thing the comes to mind. Imagine how much fun she’ll have busting out the “Thighs the Limit” move! Most likely, though, buying such a gift would undoubtedly end with an awkward thank you and avoidance of eye contact.

5) Booze Belt – Mother’s Day means one big party for everyone! At a party, who actually wants to carry their drink around; that seems a little far-fetched to me. Enter the Booze Belt, a prime place to place your beverage of choice (or hey, beverages). Or, maybe I’m thinking of Super Bowl Sunday…

6) Giant Microbes – Get ready, folks, I’ve saved the best for last. Are you really reaching a mental roadblock in terms of what to get mom for Mother’s Day? You’ve got to visit www.giantmicrobes.com, then. Your choices of gifts range from the adorable Bad Breath to the coy Salmonella. Better yet, what could beat giving mom the Black Death for Mother’s Day! Then again, tossing your mom good old BD and yelling “A plague upon you!” might not have a positive outcome.

Good luck shoppers, and Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms!