HELP!

 Well, August 30, 2007 my fiance and I just got all our junk moved into our brand new upper level apartment. It was perfect for us. We were supposed to be married April 19, 2008, so the apartment was perfect for us. You know, soon to be newlyweds and soon to start a family. After 2 years of constant ups and downs, we were finally getting it together. We unpacked a little bit and then went to bed. It was a great ending to a wonderful day.

 The next day, I dropped Caleb off at work and went job hunting. Then I went home and started to unpack. The living room was a wreck. haha. Seriously, I had our crap spread all through out that living room, just leaving a walk way. I got a call from Caleb's parents asking me if I could go out there and bring them some boxes. I loaded up our dog, Broozer...and off we went. I made it out to Caleb's parents house, but had t leave quickly, because I had to get Caleb from work. Everything was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Then I thought, "Crap, I forgot my phone there...at least i think."  So, I started looking for it. I looked up and  I was in the dicth. I was going 55 mph..at least. I knew if I didnt get out of that ditch I was going to hit the telephone pole about 10 feet (or so) in front of me.  I drove out of the dicth. When all four tires hit the pavement, the truck rolled. Twice that I am aware of. I was ejected out of one of the windows. I remember coming to, and being in so much pain. I knew that I was in pain. Yet, it didnt seem to be all that painful. I tryed to get up... and I couldn't. 

 I was found about 5 minutes (if that) later. It seemed like hours. A friend of Caleb's family, Tommy, and his friend kept asking me what hurt. I said, "Its my hips, I cant move my hips, my pelvis is busted or something. Tommy's friend said, "its a back injury, keep her head still." They held my head and I fought it will every bit of energy I had. "there's nothing wrong with my fucking back, its my hips!" I screamed. Laying on the ground, I fought them until the EMS got there. They confirmed that it was a back injury and wisked me away.

 I remember that the drive took so long. Just bump after, bump after, pain wrenching bump. I kept saying, "am I gonna walk? whats wrong with me?" They all told me, "honey you are going to walk away from this." I held on to that "hope." I already knew that I wasnt going to walk. I knew they were lying to me to keep me calm. They took me to my hometown hospital. There Caleb showed up. I layed there, paralyzed, terrified, and in tears. I thought for sure he was going to leave me. Then they did some x rays and took me back to the ER and my mom was there. I will never forget the look on her face. ?Tears, make up running. Then the EMS took me to the trauma center in the next town. Again the drive took forever.

 The doctors there said that I had broken my back. I would be paralyzed for life. I laid there for 2 days with my broken back before they did anything, because of all the swelling. After the surgery, he doctor told my mom that my spinal sheath was just fine and perfectly intact. The nerves inside it, however, were completely shredded and stretched. I was only in the hospital for a month. That is with rehab and everything. Everyone there said I had a great attitude and I would adjust in no time. When it was all over I said my goodbyes and was on my way to my new main level apartment.

 Things haven't been easy, but they havent been that difficult either.  Somedays I am like, "yeah im in a wheelchair and there isnt anything I can do about it." I dont tear up, get depressed, nothing. Then there are days like today, when i look at my feet and try to move them and they dont. Or the days when Caleb touches me and I cant feel it. I fall apart. I think, "what a fucking freak. No body can love you. Your nothing but a burden. Why did this happen to me? WHAT DID I DO?!"

 My mom says, "You need to talk to someone, like a therapist." Oh yeah? Why? Are they in a wheelchair? Do they know what it is like to have the PRIVLAGE to walk just ripped away from them?  I dont want to talk to someone who has no idea what I am going through. I dont think that I am being unreasonible.

 Can someone please help me? I dont want to cry about it anymore. I want to love the person I am. Not pretend to love the person I have become. I want to be able to go out in public and not feel like EVERYONE is staring and pointing at me. I want to get past all of this and enjoy my life for what it is now. I try to live my new life everyday. As tear free as i can but all my emotions are holding me back. I want to feel as beautiful as everyone says I am.