Posted: 7/4/2008 at 03:35 AM
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It has been on my mind a lot lately and it is I something I do not want to accept but maybe it's better if I accept the truth and try to move on from there. The truth is I will not get back my ability to walk. God knows I have tried. 2 fixators, several surgeries, months and months of PT a lot of blood, sweat, tears and pain. A few weeks ago the thought that I will not walk like I did before 1997, well, it started going through my mind and I guess it is time to accept it. It is better than getting my hopes up and then having them crash back down. For the rest of my life I will need a wheelchair or a walker. There I said it and it hurt worse kinda like pulling a band-aid off of a hairy arm but at least I am facing it. For the first time in my life I feel and see myself as disabled. The really ironic part is now that I truely need services like Voc Rehab, PT and whatever else is available, I can not get it.
In college when Voc Rehab insisted on buying me a scooter, I didn't want it and I resisted it. I didn't want anything to do with VR except for modifying my car. I felt I didn't need them but now that I really need help the doors are closed and locked. My leg was almost 7 inches shorter than my left leg before the surgeries but with lengthening it was only 1.25 inches shorter than my left leg. It was so close and for the first time in my life I almost had 2 feet on the ground. It was my dream come true. After the fixator was removed my leg began to shorten and today I finally admitted it has shortened again. So lets add another .25 inch to my already 4 or 5 inch lift. It gets shorter because I have no hip socket for my femor to be stablized it and so the femur has been sliding up and up. So it was all for nothing, everything was for n-o-t-h-i-n-g.
College was for nothing. Why did I bother to even finish high school? Why did I learn to cook or learn Spanish or learn to drive? The surgeries and all the pain and suffering that came with it and all the hard work was for NOTHING. All the X-rays,needles, pills and doctors and time away from my family, for nothing. Loved ones died while I was away lengthening. I missed saying good bye to them for NOTHING. All I can think now is geez when I mess up I really mess up big time. I can't do anything right. Even from the beginning I couldn't even grow right in the womb and so I guess it is a habit with me...
I am so angry at myself, the world... everything. I don't even know how to relate to people and to socialize "normally" anymore. I used to be "Miss Popular" and now I have 0 friends. I guess the worst part is I finally see myself the way the world sees me. It's time to accept reality, I am not going to walk like I used to, that life is over now. I will not have the life I dreamed of. I will not be a good wife to my husband and be able to take care of him and our home. I will never know the joy of holding my own baby in my arms. Maybe its best I can't have kids. I can't run and play with them. Their friends will stare at me and make my kid feel uncomfortable. What if my kid became ashamed of me?
I tricked a good man into marrying me. I promised him I would be walking "soon" and I promised him children. I didn't mean to trick him. I was told by the doctor in 2003 that in a year I would be walking, he looked me right in the eyes and lied to me and another doctor assured me I could have a baby. Unfortunately, I believed them. The hardest thing though is knowing I did this to myself. I wanted out of that leg brace so bad, I wanted to "fix" my leg so bad, I wanted to be more "normal" that I wouldn't accept that it may go wrong. I wouldn't hear or even think about it. I haaaad to do it. I didn't know just how "normal" independent I was or what a good life I had but now I know what I have lost and all I seem to think now is OMG what have I done??? There are no do-overs in real life. Its a hard lesson to learn. But it gets worse because I truly believe, no, I KNOW that with the right doctor and with really agressive PT or a different leg brace I could maybe walk. I mean I can take about 10 steps with even my cane. I have come so close to walking again but its like trying to catch smoke in your hand.
Yes, I know its a pity party. I rarely have them but I have to get it out because it's eating me up inside. There is no happy ending for this story, sadly this is not a movie.. Okay enough. I do feel a little better. I raged, I ranted and now I am going to go to .
Janice, the drama queen
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Janice, you're not a drama queen. What you're experiencing is more normal than walking. It is a very, very good first step (yes, I mean step) to accept your status as a pwd. It may not seem like that at the moment, but it will set you free. Your acceptance of your normal, your status quo, is the thing that will allow you to move on from there and continue with the life you are meant to lead. You didn't do anything wrong, not in the womb, not in failing to walk. I suspect your husband didn't marry you because you might be able to walk someday, either. Children? they're expensive, they take all of your time, they cause their own set of problems. I realize those things don't compare to the joys of having children, but it doesn't hurt to remember the things you will also avoid without them.
Now it's up to you to take your life by the horns and ride it into happiness. You can do it, you're clearly intelligent and self possessed. And remember, there are a lot of us on the site who intimately know what you're going through and can help.
No Janice.......you're not a drama Queen.........you stated your feelings so clearly...........so understandably.......so very well. Liesl's right.........you've taken the first step towards accepting YOUR normal........whatever that'll eventually be..........and then life becomes better......even happy, if you'll let it.Do you really think your husband married you on the unspoken condition that you'd walk ? And I guess I didn't get this right............but are you choosing not to have children.........on are you unable to have children ? Cause if it's your choice because you won't be able to walk...........I have to tell you something. There are many, many stories from members right here on disaboom............who have challenges much greater than the inability to walk..........who have raised families successfully............and will tell you that the children find an extra strength.......extra lots of qualities that will serve them well.........all their lives.........as a direct result of those challenges. I'm one of them. I was 39 t the time of my accident........the kids were 8-10-12. I remember lying in my hospiyal bed thinking.........how am I going to raise three small children from a wheelchair ?.........Then answers like..........do the things you want to teach them .......things like kindness.......compassion.......courage.......do these things reside in your legs ? No of course not. The point being.........all the things that really matter..........have nothing at all to do with how well we can perform various tasks. Right ? You, of course are going to mourn the things you hoped to do..........that's what you're doing now. When you finally accept the loss of an old dream.........you'll see he beginning of a new one.......and life will become meaningful.......and yes......even exciting again. I'll be thinking of you as you go on your journey............and praying that you find the path you're supposed to be on. My very best to you in finding it...............Peace and love............Norma
I think you have courageously hung on to hope and worked as hard as anyone could toward making your dream come true. Being in the anger phase of letting go does not make you a drama queen. It is so very difficult to accept the truth that "this is my life now". My own struggles differ from yours but I know how you feel about accepting and letting go of hope in getting your life back. Nanal put it so well about the fact you can still have a fulfilling, good life. We need to express the anger in us, this site is the perfect place in my opinion. So many others know exactly how we feel. It's OK to rage and rant around here. :)
Sherry
Well I think I found a way to reply to your comments. First, a big thank you. You guys are right. Oh to be clear I want kids but I can't have them maybe the stork lost my address LOL Yes I am in mourning and the anger phase but now that I am not focused on walking again. I can focus on me and my family. I have decided to take a couple of courses at the local JR college. Oh I want to just add a new entry and share my thoughts there but again thank you. It is so nice to find people that understand.
hugs, Janice
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