Normal?

dis·a·bil·i·ty /?d?s?'b?l?ti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dis-uh-bil-i-tee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun, plural -ties for 2. 1. lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.
2. a physical or mental handicap, esp. one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job.
3. anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage: His mere six-foot height will be a disability in professional basketball.
4. the state or condition of being disabled.
5. legal incapacity; legal disqualification.

I am classified as disabled and have been since July of 2005. Although I am classified that way, I have not accepted it as fact until very recently. I've had the crip stick, which I mostly use for school since that is the time I truly need it. I have the cane, the walker, the chair, but I have gone for long periods of time without using any of them. Months, even. Lately I've had to use my cane when I leave the house. I find it interesting that with cerebellar events your brain compensates for your familiar places. I have only occasionally needed assistance devices at home or at school until recently. The strokes from December have seemingly aggravated old injuries to the point of a backward slide into further disability. I never would have guessed that would happen.

The problem with using a cane is that I have terrible joint pain in my hands and wrists. Using a cane was painful for me so I often went out without it. That's not wise as a fall would be worse than the pain I already have and I do need it every day. So, I have now purchased a forearm crutch. The idea is that the forearm cuff will take some of the pressure off of my hand.

As previously stated, I am new to the disability thing. When I was a kid, even into adulthood, people who had forearm crutches were permanently and irrevocably disabled. It wasn't a value judgment in any way, just a perception I picked up somewhere. People with forearm crutches were people with limitations I didn't have and never contemplated having. Well, here we are.

I found Disaboom in October, probably through an ad on myspace. Guess what? I can't remember! I posted a bit initially, was encouraged to start a blog there, which I did, but then didn't go back for awhile. I still wasn't seeing myself in that group so I wasn't feeling the need to poke around too much. After the last strokes and my renewed understanding of my limitations I found my way back to disaboom. I got involved slowly, starting to get to know members through the forums and chat. Even more slowly I realized that I belonged there. Not because I resonate with the people or the site in such a particular way, but because I am one of them, those people who are disabled in some way. That wasn't an easy realization.

I don't think that I am attaching any value to disability other than my own frustrations at being limited. I've lived a fabulous life, truly. I've travelled all over the world (except Asia, damn it!) and had remarkable experiences with people, places, events and things. I can still feel what it is like to walk through Paris, run through the mountains in L.A., stay out all night in New York and float down the Danube on the way to the opera. The problem I am having is that I can't see doing any of those things with a crutch. Most of them are possible, I just can't see it. Isn't it odd that I am ok with dying but not with the way I have to live what's left of life?

I think I am getting to acceptance; blogging is helping. I've found that the past year of blogging has not only improved my writing, but helped me let go of issues I would have otherwise held onto until someone pried them out of my dark little heart. Disaboom is a major factor in this process; the understanding of others and the "get it" factor involved in commiseration has been healing in more ways than I probably realize. I understand and believe there is nothing wrong with being disabled; I guess I just want what I used to have. I'll get over it eventually.

I'm listening to The Grass Is Blue, by Dolly Parton