Fun with syphilis

I promised a couple of people the syphilis story a month ago; yeah, I procrastinate as if it were an art form. Here 'tis:

When you have antiphospholipid antibodies you test positive for syphilis. There is a second test performed which is typically negative. Unless, of course, you have syphilis and APS. That would be a kick in the pants. Naturally, I tested positive for syphilis when I was tested for APS. The second test was, also naturally, negative.

Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call the week after my initial APS hospital stay from the County Health Department. The man at the HD (hereafter to be known has Huge Dodohead) told me that I had tested positive for syphilis. Yes, I know, I responded. I explained the whole APS thing and how I had had the second test which was negative. Huge Dodohead then gently tries to tell me that no, I had tested positive on the second test, too. Oh dear. After a shocked silence I told the man that my doctor had told me specifically that I had tested negative on that damn test. He disagreed with me a little more firmly this time, so I said I'd have to call my doctor. In the meantime Huge Dodohead tells me I would have to come down to the County HD and have another blood test. How would next week be? OK, I squeaked.

Naturally, my doctor's office was closed. Bright and early the next morning I called my doctor to tell him what had happened with the Huge Dodohead. As I was relating what happened I got so upset I started crying. My doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I had tested negative on that second test. After a relieved moment I told him I would call the Huge Dodohead again. No, he didn't call him Huge Dodohead; he's far too professional for that and he doesn't possess my brilliant name calling abilities.

Firmly convinced of my syphilis free existence I called the Huge Dodohead and told him my doctor swears I did not have syphilis. Huge Dodohead, getting a little frustrated with this woman insisting she didn't have a disease he just knew I had, told me once again, no, you DO HAVE IT. By this time, I'm shaking and starting to doubt myself and my marriage, wondering where Jon had time to cheat on me when we spent all of our time together outside of work. No, no, it can't be. I told Huge Dodohead that I would have to get back to him and called my doctor back, yet again. My doctor tells me he wants to see this so called positive test; he doesn't believe it, he is very confused and has the test results in front of him. Negative for syphilis.

On my third call to huge Dodohead he immediately starts stammering, kind of hemming and hawing; he finally manages to form a complete sentence and tells me that he was sorry, he had read the results incorrectly and he'd make a note in my file that it was a false positive. Oh.my.god. You have GOT to be kidding me. You put me through 24 hours of uncertainty and fear because you don't know how to read a lab report?? Isn't that part of your job? This is when it dawns on me why he is named Huge Dodohead. OK, maybe he's only named that in my head. You know, the syphilis free head.

There you have it, my adventures with the Huge Dodohead at the Huge Dodohead Department. I'm footloose and syphilis free! Not that I ever had any doubt. Really!