Don't just lie there!

I was thinking about one of the more frustrating parts of having strokes, TIAs and damage last night: it often feels like you're faking it. When I lose language I will be screaming the words in my head but they won't come out of my mouth. Or, when I have uncontrollable movement I am willing it to stop, but it stops when it stops, regardless of what I tell my body to do. When my hands don't work as they should, I am willing them, consciously and unconsciously to work, but the won't do what I tell them to do.

If your brain is still willing and working, it feels fake if the rest of you does not comply. I think this goes back to the idea that our mind is the most important part of our humanity, the biological body being only the vehicle. Again, I don't believe in the duality of mind/body, but I do believe in a duality of processes. How else can you describe the fact that a brain is working just fine (seemingly so anyway), but the body does not obey?

It's like this: imagine you are experimenting with telekinesis and you truly believe it is possible to move objects with your mind. You sit there and you try and try, as hard as you can, to move the remote control that is just out of reach. Alas, it doesn't happen; if you believe that it is possible, you have just tried and failed to do something you should be able to do, right? Now, imagine that were true for something as basic as speaking or walking. I know it's hard to imagine if you've never been through it. Actually, it might be totally impossible. Have you ever been held down against your will? Do you remember how frustrating and scary that feeling was? That's as close as I can get to describing what it's like. Add the dimension of feeling like you can do it, but you can't actually do it, and then you get the feeling of trickery.