mlc1451

Hey Sarah, Want to Change your Mind About Sex Ed?

2008-09-06T17:19:00Z

It doesn’t upset me that Bristol Palin, the 17 year old daughter of the vice presidential candidate is “with child”. What does upset me, as an educator for over a quarter of a century, is to have her mother adamantly opposed to sex education in schools. This includes instruction on the availability and use of birth control. The main thrust of Sarah Palin’s philosophy is to preach abstinence only.

Seems rather ironic that such a program didn’t work for her own daughter, who is a child of a smart, successful woman. Perhaps this “role model” should rethink her present philosophy and how misguided and archaic it is in today’s society,

As an educator, I am happy that my school offers a Life Skills class that includes various forms of birth control to allow the student to make an educated choice in their own physical development. Parents are informed, via a letter that must be signed, that this instruction is taking place, and the parents have the choice of having their child opt out of the program. In my 24 years of being at this school, only 2 parents have refused to have their children participate in this instruction.

Their refusal ties into my basic philosophy of “parachutes are like minds; they must both be open to work.” In today’s fast past sexually charged society, with shows like “Gossip Girls” and movies such as “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”, it behooves parents to either educate their children at home or let the schools do it, to give their teens every opportunity to make an informed decision about their bodies. What is the point of keeping kids in the dark? Ignoring the problem will not make it go away, nor will a policy of “abstinence only” be realistic with the sexual imagery that young people are constantly bombarded by on tv, print ads, and movies.

If Sarah Palin doesn’t change her tune and admit to the ramifications of her “abstinence only” philosophy, then I don’t believe she can be a progressive and realistic leader who may potentially run our country some day….

Jerry, it’s time to say Sayonara

2008-09-04T15:19:00Z

I watched a great deal of the Labor Day MDA Telethon, and noticed that Jerry Lewis could use some assistance. He seems to be shaky and it also appears difficult for him to stand and walk. If that is truly the case, it’s time to pass the baton and make a few guest appearances without running the entire show. Jann Carl did an excellent job in Las Vegas, as did Dean Richards and Dina Blair here in Chicago at WGN studios.

I realize that Jerry IS the telethon and has been for over 50 years, but at some point, it’s time to graciously accept the fact that he needs some help if the telethon is to maintain its current level of decorum. I believe he tried to be humorous and “hip”, yet a lot of his jokes and banter fell flat, and I found it embarrassing to watch his demise or descent into old age.

I’m not saying that he should vanish entirely, but he needs to recognize his frailties and not let his ego cloud his judgment. I wonder how many other people found his hosting to be sub par and felt uncomfortable watching him try to resurrect his classic comedy routines? The MDA Association should meet now and begin to phase out some of his duties, if they hope to continue their viewer ship and accrue millions of dollars of pledges.

Of course one could argue that the telethon received a record amount of money this year, even with the price of fuel and food and our skittishness about the economy, Iraqi war and terrorism in general. I’m certain there are people who adore Jerry Lewis and consider him an icon and would argue that the telethon would not be the same without his presence. Then I say let him continue but in a lesser role, so the show moves more efficiently and with less puzzling conversation from him.

Has Jerry recently suffered a stroke or other ailment? I noticed that he continued to move his mouth as though he had on ill-fitting dentures. Hopefully he will recognize the need to step aside so his “baby” can continue to grow with some fresh hands on deck. It’s a sad fact of life that everyone is replaceable at some point, and it takes a mature and realistic attitude to know when that time has come. Jerry, I hope you can hear the fat lady singing now…

Of Life and Love and Fresh Starts

2008-09-02T22:22:00Z

Today was the beginning of the school year, and all my seventh graders came in with eager to please faces and new school supplies. There were a million questions, confusing schedules, and jammed lockers to contend with. I handled it all in stride with comforting words and grins and silly sayings to bring the tension down and have everyone relax. It’s really a wonderful time of year to anticipate the apple crunching and pumpkin picking season we’re about to share, in fact I wish we could move the traditional New Years of January 1st to September 1st. In this season of impending Fall, you could make New Year’s plans and not have to contend with the ice and snow and giddily enjoy the warm weather in a variety of ways.

In my own personal life, this time of year is a fresh start too, after my diagnosis of lung cancer before Christmas of last year, followed by my surgery on December 26, and then the eight treatments for chemo that lasted through May 1st. Currently, I’m looking forward to a wholesome year filled with field trips, exciting assignments and classroom discussions, holiday traditions, and enjoying my life without contemplating when I’ll need a sub or how long I’ll be absent due to chemo treatments.

Unfortunately, my thoughts turned to a former classmate of mine who lost her struggle with lung cancer and slipped away two days ago. Her funeral was today at 2:30, however since it was the first day of school, I wasn’t able to attend. She suffered from the type of cancer that is associated with asbestos exposure, and of course no one knows where she would have come in contact with it. Alarmingly, our grammar school has been inundated with 25 cancer cases from teachers (not one specific type either) within the last ten years or so. It does make you wonder if my cancer and Darlene’s developed from being in that building?

Of course you can’t second guess yourself or it can certainly drive you crazy, so I will have to be content in being grateful to start this brand new school year with joy in my heart for new beginnings yet sadness that Darlene couldn’t be here to revel in such a picturesque September 2nd afternoon…

The Last Blast Of Summer!

2008-08-31T22:54:00Z

Here it is, Labor Day weekend, when I swear it was July 4th just last week! I find that the older or shall I say the “more experienced” I become the faster life threatens to elude me. I’m reminded of the movie, “Ferris Buehler”, when Matthew Broderick mentions, “You have to stop and look around every once in a while or life will just pass you by.”

In the spirit of Ferris and my own personal journey through lung cancer, I have declared a moratorium on rushing through my existence, if only for this holiday weekend. Forget stopping to “smell the roses”, that’s cheesy and unnecessary when the weather is absolutely San Diego perfect and you can dally as much as you want without a set workday schedule.

First I walked around the former naval base that has been miraculously turned into homes, condos, shopping, and a lovely park and lake area. No one was around on their bicycles, skate boards or roller blades, so it was quite delightful to walk and breathe in nature, watch the egrets, blue herons, seagulls, and prairie grasses and flowers, as I spent the hour listening and inhaling the woodsy scents.

Next my husband and I traveled the two blocks to our local Costco and stocked up on the essentials for a rockin’ barbeque – organic chicken breasts, fresh corn, fresh wild sockeye salmon, blueberries, red seedless grapes, Paul Newman’s 100% grape juice, and deep velvet iris flowers as a centerpiece.

It was time to put away the groceries and take Jay for a “roll” around the neighborhood before kickin’ up the grill for our tasty treats. We waved and chatted with our neighbors, remarked on the heavenly weather, and tried to hold onto the reigns of life galloping ahead of us.

Thanks, Ferris, for reminding me to slow down and “zen out” and not do too much “laboring” except for my husband as he turns those mango salsa chicken breasts and wild salmon with lime marinade to celebrate just being alive and in the moment…

Take Me out to the Ballgame!

2008-08-28T21:12:00Z

Any baseball fans out there? I'm sure there are! Since we live in the Chicagoland area, we mostly root for the Cubbies. However, that doesn't mean that we' re White Sox haters. When I was a kid, my dad took us to Comiskey Park to cheer on "Little" Luis Aparicio. He was my favorite!

I bring up baseball because this time of year reminds me of the time Jay had the opportunity to meet some of the Cub players. He was only around nine years of age, when he threw out the first pitch at Wrigley Field. He was assisted by Steve Stone (TV broadcaster and former player), it was such a thrill for him.

The third-base coach at the time, Don Zimmer, really endeared himself to Jay. Not only did he jokingly tell Jay to round third before the relay throw, but he took it upon himself to have the players autograph a baseball, then gave it to Jay. What a great guy, it really was a special gift.

There were other players too that made lasting impressions on Jay. Leon Durham (Cubs first baseman) and Jody Davis (Cubs catcher) each gave Jay a bat, as a souvenir! We were stunned, an authentic MLB bat! However, the highlight was when Jay met his favorite ballplayer of all...... future Hall of Famer... Ryne Sandberg.

Ryne always had a reputation for being pretty quiet and low key, not sure who was more nervous...Ryne or Jay. It didn't take long for Ryne to warm up to Jay, soon they were talking baseball and taking photos together. He also signed a couple scorecards and baseball cards for Jay. It was definitely the highlight of the day.

Even though this happened over 20 years ago, it's as if it occurred yesterday. That's how vibrant and clear the memory remains. It's a moment Jay will always cherish, as will I. I know baseball is always evolving, but I sure hope the players remain as fan friendly as the Cubbies that met Jay.

Summer Is over, Time for a Vacation!!!

2008-08-26T16:27:00Z

Summer is coming to a close, I begin my 25th year of teaching middle school on Thursday. How fast the summer goes... faster and faster with every year. Unfortunately, my family had plenty of doctors appointments and examinations these past couple of months, it was hard to savor the summer.

That's why I told Jay to start making arrangements for a vacation, around Christmas break. I know its early, but making arrangements now will lead to fewer complications, in the future. Jay asked everyone he knew if they could accompany him on his trip. He had his hopes set on a trip to Vegas. Rates are quite reasonable for December, must be the slowest time of the year. I really wanted him to go, it's been 12 years since he last went away.

Well, Jay finally got one of his friends to commit! He was so excited, but he wanted to make it a party of three, simply because he wanted to give one friend a break, if they needed time to do their own thing. So, Jay contacted his old summer camp counselor (who happens to be married to another counselor... they met at the summer camp) and asked him if he knew anyone that could help. Jay didn't expect his friend to volunteer, since he has two kids and a full-time job. However, he said "I'll go!"

Jay couldn't believe his luck. However, there was still one hurdle left to climb... his wife, she had to grant him permission to go. Jay and his friend's wife go way back. They have known each other for years. When Jay asked her for permission, she was a little hesitant. Three guys on the loose in Vegas... she wasn't too keen on the idea. Plus, I think she really wanted to go too. However, someone had to watch the kids... she told Jay she would think about it.

Time was of the essence, Jay decided to take matters into his own hands. He contacted a local flower shop and had them deliver flowers to his friend's wife. He hoped that would bring her around to saying yes. Well, THREE DAYS went by without any reply. Jay couldn't take the suspense, so he ended up calling to find out what the deal was.

Well, turns out that they were just the best flowers she had ever received. She just didn't have a chance to call Jay to thank him. She even said, "you didn't even have to send flowers, I was going to let him go with you anyway." So... after waiting year after year, Jay finally gets his chance to visit Sin City!!!

He is so excited, it's all he talks about. I am really happy for him because he has worked very hard for this trip to come together. I just hope he remembers to order round-trip airfare... knowing him, he'll only order a one-way ticket to Vegas!!!

My Bird Has What??

2008-08-24T19:47:00Z

My family might be cursed. First, it was my bout with lung cancer. Then, my son Jays diagnosis of sleep apnea and now his throat condition... but I never thought it would spread to my darling pet, Dusty.

A few weeks ago, our parakeet Dusty became terribly quiet and unplayable. This is the complete opposite of his normal personality, so I knew something was wrong. I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with having a respiratory AND lower intestine infection. I couldn't believe it. I always clean his cage and change his water multiple times, per day. I guess these little creatures are susceptible to anything.

So the doctor prescribed an antibiotic which I gave him for the next two weeks. He was doing much better and was back to causing his normal playful destruction of dropping toys off counters, and knocking my cell phone off the kitchen table. After the antibiotic was completed, I took Dusty back to the vet for his follow-up. Everything was back to normal.

I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. A few days ago, Dusty started displaying similar symptoms when he was sick earlier, in the month. I was really nervous because I thought the infection had come back. This was not a convenient time for me, I was spending my days at the school where I teach... we were being trained to operate the new computer system. This meant I could not take Dusty to the vet, until the weekend.

Well, Saturday came and I had the first morning appointment. I was dreading the worst... I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. When the doctor finished examining Dusty, what the vet said next, I couldn't believe my ears. "Dusty has a yeast infection", the vet replied. What? A yeast infection? For a parakeet? Apparently, the antibiotic he took originally, not only wiped out the bad bacteria, but the good bacteria too. So now, I have to give him a probiotic that will give him the good bacteria he is lacking.

The good news is that he is already showing signs of a positive recovery. Back to his old mischievous self. I guess you really do learn something new everyday. Who knew that birds can get yeast infections, did you?

Still Hard to Swallow

2008-08-22T19:50:00Z

Jay is still having problems with his swallowing. It is really frustrating because there really isn't a specific treatment to combat this issue. His scoliosis and SMA is so severe, it is difficult for doctors to get a clear scan of his throat. Jay decided to investigate alternative medicines in hopes of finding something that could help him

When my chemo concluded, my breathing was still labored due to the surgery, that removed part of my lung. To increase and strengthening my air passages, I decided to try acupuncture. A friend had actually suggested it, so I figured why not. I did find that some of the needles did hurt (they are needles, after all) but for the most part, it did seem to help... temporarily. After awhile, my breathing seemed to regress. I did not pursue a steady routine of acupuncture because the doctor I was working with was only available on Thursdays. With my schedule changing when I return to work, I would not be able to keep those appointments.

One of the acupuncture specialists at the center, is a pediatric nurse at the same hospital Jay has been admitted, when he would come down with pneumonia. She has been on the pediatric floor, for over 20 years. She has even been Jays nurse when he was there.

I suggested to Jay that he should call her and find out what she would recommend. Well, he did and she was very helpful. Instead of acupuncture, she feels that an energy pressure point massage is the way to go. She said that in Chinese medicine, there is an ailment called "plum pit" which is the feeling Jay has in his throat. This energy massage has been known to have an effect on this "plum pit" feeling.

Now, we are hoping that this will have a positive effect. Just waiting to find out what her schedule is like... she said she would have no problem coming to the house! Hopefully, this will lead to a positive outcome, thanks to some positive energy.

On the Road Again

2008-08-20T23:29:00Z

Today, I took Jay to the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago. There is nothing I dread more than driving into the city. It takes over an hour due to the traffic to get there, but it had to be done so Jay's wheelchair could be adjusted.

After suffering through the expressways construction, we family arrived. It's a good thing we have disabled license plates, value parking was only $2 (otherwise, it's $35). Plus, the OTR met us downstairs to help reassemble the wheelchair. Whenever we travel, I have to take it apart because it won't fit otherwise.

Once we were upstairs and in the room, Jay described his back pain and the therapist and specialist examined the molding of the wheelchair. They decided to try and add some small pads of gel (looked like mini squares of Jell-O), to see if that would relieve the pressure on Jay's spine.

Jay tried his chair with the added padding, but still found some discomfort. He wanted to know if there is any kind of option where a pad could contain air, then it could be attached to a tube with a squeeze pump. This way, he could control how much extra cushion he needed. The cushion would look something similar to a blood pressure device, instead of a strap that would be a pad instead.

The therapist said let me see what I can do. They actually make a seat similar to what Jay requested. However, it is only made in Canada and can't be ordered here. Can you believe that? Makers in this country don't have the desire to make this model. Well, thank goodness for our therapists ingenuity. She basically took apart the Canadian model and used the pump for Jay's chair!

After 4 hours of trials and errors, they finally seemed to find the right combination that maximize Jay's comfort level. After a big sigh of relief, it was back downstairs to disassemble the wheelchair and back on the road. I'm so glad this isn't an everyday occurrence, I'm sooooooo ready for a nap!

A new day, a new doctor

2008-08-19T01:19:00Z

Now that we've concluded all of Jay's medical visits, concerning his swallowing (at least for now), we can now focus on making him more comfortable in his wheelchair. Unfortunately, he has terrible scoliosis which causes him a great deal of discomfort.

Since I only have a few weeks remaining before I resume teaching (waaaahhhh, I don't want to go back), I'm trying to schedule all these appointments now, so I don't have to miss work. We already visited the dentist, then the swallowing appointments, now it's his wheelchair.

Which leads us to our appointment at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, our destination on Wednesday. Unfortunately, our vehicle can't fit the three of us (myself, Jay and his assistant) plus the wheelchair comfortably. I will need my husband to first disassemble the wheelchair so we all have enough room. However, trying to reassemble the wheelchair is harder than a Rubik's cube! There is no way I or Jay's assistant could put it back together. I was already reliving the nightmare of last week's appointment, at Evanston Hospital

When I e-mailed the center explaining my concerns, they were very cordial and accommodating. The director said, all we have to do is call when we are minutes away, then they will meet us downstairs and assemble the wheelchair for us. That was a huge relief. It's one of the reasons why I cannot take Jay and his wheelchair, in the car, on my own.

Hopefully, the adjustment process will be just as smooth. They need to add some additional cushions on the molded back, to provide more support for Jay's spine. If all goes as planned, it should only take a few hours until Jay's wheelchair is fully padded, relieving his back pain... wish us luck!!

Lets not get carted away!!

2008-08-16T20:55:00Z

The day for my sons "cookie swallow" test finally arrived. We weren't looking forward to going. Simply because the hospital is very large and extremely uncoordinated.

For example, we called ahead to radiology requesting that a cart be positioned in the lobby, because the wheelchair will not fit in the car. I would just carry Jay from the car, to the cart, then up the elevator to Radiology. Sounds simple, right? Not with this hospital! Radiology told us they only have wheelchairs (yet the hospital is full of carts at other departments), so they directed us to the front desk. Then, the front desk directed us to Concierge who then directed us to Radiology! It was a never-ending cycle of the tail wagging the dog!

Finally, the front desk instructed us to call from our cell phone when we would be 10 minutes away, they would have a cart waiting for us. Well, lo and behold, when we called and requested a cart, it was as if we were speaking a foreign language. They had no idea what we were talking about and had no idea how to obtain one. They kept asking, "do you want a wheelchair?"

We had no choice and I had no more patience for such ineptitude. I scooped Jay up, carried him from the parking lot, through the lobby, to Radiology and requested a cart while he was slumped in my arms. Now, that made them sprint into action! Perhaps it was the doings of David Copperfield, but a cart magically appeared! Now Jay could rest comfortably while we waited for our appointment.

The Speech Pathologist arrived and Jay was wheeled down to an x-ray room. Here, he took sips of a liquid that contained barium. While he swallowed, the liquid could be viewed through an "x-ray like" machine.

It was determined that Jay has esophageal spasms. The Mayo Clinic defines it as "an uncoordinated series of muscle contractions that prevent food from traveling properly from your esophagus to your stomach. These spasms can be very painful. Chest pain is a common symptom of esophageal spasm."

Unfortunately, there really isn't a cure, but there are some treatments that involve medication. We are currently weighing our options. The only bright side to this entire ordeal was that when we were ready to leave, I spoke to the concierge regarding what happened, when we arrived. He was very sympathetic and apologized. So much so that he paid for our parking which was six dollars! A nice ending to an otherwise frustrating day.

More doctors, more tests

2008-08-14T22:51:00Z

The day after I took Jay to the ENT, he felt his swallowing was worse. His complexion was pale and he felt warm to the touch. He was quite lethargic and queasy, so I contacted his nurse practitioner.

Dayna was concerned there could be an infection. She said she could order an antibiotic, but if Jay was in a great deal of distress, he should immediately go to the ER. Jay considered his options, but felt it would be best to just go to the ER.

We are so fortunate to live across the street from a hospital. It really is a convenience that is invaluable to our situation. I don't even need to worry about taking his wheelchair. I just carry him to the car, cross the street, then carry him to a cart in the ER.

Thankfully, the floor wasn't too busy. Jay had an x-ray only minutes after arriving... how is that for service? Next, they drew blood and started an IV. Then, The Resident thought a CAT scan would be a good idea. Since Jay can't open his mouth wide enough, it's impossible to look down his throat. So, a CAT scan would give the doctors a better image, in case there is an obstruction or infection.

Finally, some good news... there's no infection or infiltration. The bad news is that they couldn't conform an exam called a "Cookie Swallow". It's basically a test where you drink a solution, that can be viewed through an x-ray machine, while it's being digested. They only perform this test once a day, during the mornings. Apparently, the technician splits time between this hospital and another, so scheduling is tight.

The earliest we could schedule a "Cookie Swallow" would be in a few days, but at a hospital further away. We had to take the appointment, but we weren't prepared for the future frustrations that lie ahead...

Need more than an apple a day to keep this doctor away!

2008-08-12T23:54:00Z

In my last blog, I discussed the swallowing issue my son Jay was having. Well, we had our appointment with the ENT, what a disappointment. I know that doctors don't always display the perfect bedside manner, but this guy really took the cake.

I don't know if certain doctors consider it too much trouble or just become comfortable with the typical "cookie-cutter" type patient, but when the Doctor took one look at my son in his wheelchair, it was obvious he was going to make this a quick examination. It was quite disheartening especially because I had used him myself, 15 years ago. He didn't remember me, understandable considering how long ago it was, but it was the way he reacted to Jay which really frustrated me.

Now, it wasn't that he was rude, just very short and to the point. He asked what the problem was... Jay explained he felt an irritation in his throat when he swallowed, and it is difficult for him to open his mouth wide enough because of the muscular atrophy. The doctor then asked Jay to open his mouth as wide as possible, which was not wide at all. So then he told Jay that he could spray his throat with an anesthetic, then try to probe the back of his throat to see. Jay said he was concerned that the procedure might cause him to aspirate. The doctor said there was a good chance it could cause him to aspirate, so we should forget about the procedure because it probably wouldn't work anyway.

Huh? Then why bother offering? It really made no sense to me. Anyway, the doctor suggested another test that can only be done at the hospital. So, we have made an appointment for Thursday.

That was basically the end of the exam. We also asked if there was an alternative to the mask Jay wears at night, because it irritates his nostrils. The doctor glibly replied don't wear it so tightly. Gee, thanks... never thought about that. Those years of medical school really paid off for this guy.

Maybe I am being too hard on him. But I don't think so... it's not that we expected a miracle, but a little less abrasiveness would have been nice. Sure, he sees many patients during the day, but is it too much to ask for a thorough and courteous examination? Oh, for the days when doctors made house calls!

Trying to Stay Positive

2008-08-10T20:07:00Z

Trying to stay positive Tomorrow, I take my son Jay to the ENT. His throat is still bothering him, but at least it hasn't worsened. I just hope it won't be anything too serious, it is so difficult for Jay to open his mouth wide, because of the atrophy in his jaw muscles.

However, he does have something great to look forward to. For months, he has been trying to plan a trip to Las Vegas. He asked all of his buddies, but for one reason or another, they couldn't find a date that worked. Well finally, he received two commitments from his old summercamp counselors... he is finally able to go!

It did take a bit of schmoozing by Jay. His friend Mike is married and his wife wasn't too keen on giving him permission to go with Jay. I think she was a bit jealous and wanted to tag along. However, they do have two kids, so that wasn't possible. Anyway, Jay had flowers delivered to her, promising that he will keep Mike away from the showgirls. The next day, Lisa (Mike's wife) called Jay and said she would have said yes without the flowers!

This news couldn't come at a better time. Especially with the doctor's appointment tomorrow, it gives Jay something positive to focus on. Now that he has two buddies accompanying him to Vegas, I won't have to worry about his needs being met. Now if we get good news tomorrow from the doctor, it will make his Vegas plans even sweeter.

Hopefully, Nothing Serious

2008-08-08T02:19:00Z

Since I only have a few weeks left of my summer vacation, I'm trying to complete all of the doctor checkups and medical appointments, before I return to teaching. However, this was one appointment I didn't expect.

Only a few days after celebrating my son Jay's 32nd birthday, he started complaining about his swallowing. Since his form of Muscular Dystrophy has been known to cause weakness in the jaw muscles as well as the ability to swallow, we weren't completely caught off guard. Jay's chewing ability has slowly been deteriorating over the years. At one time, he was able to eat any meal. Now, foods must be finally chopped and very tender.

It is so frustrating for him because he loves trying new foods and tasting different treats. He adores the Food Network, watches that station constantly. It's one of his true loves of life.

Unfortunately, his swallowing issues were not getting better. Jay researched online to find some proactive treatments, but most of the symptoms for weakened swallowing mentioned aspirating and/or choking. He keeps telling me it feels more like a small irritation or lump near his Adam's apple. He thought it was a particle of food that didn't go down, but since it's been over a week now, we have ruled that out.

Today, Jay called the speech pathology department at a local hospital. They recommended he take a test called a "cookie swallow". It's when you drink a liquid and eat a graham cracker that has a substance on it that can be monitored through a CAT scan type machine. However, they first wanted to examine him. So, Jay then called his Nurse Practitioner. She recommended he take a liquid anti-inflammatory (in case it was a scratch or irritation), and make an appointment with a ENT.

Our appointment is for next week. In the meantime, I'm hoping his swallowing doesn't worsen. I just pray it's something that can be treated, so Jay can go back to enjoying one aspect of his life that he isn't ready to let go...