Love for Oneself

I have been divorced for almost a year now. My ex has already married again. I've been really angry for a long time now; I've been panicked by not having a mate as I grow older. How scary it is when you are experiencing disabilities without a partner! Yep, you pegged me: a woman who feels less without a man. At least, that's who I WAS. I've had time to pay attention to other things lately.

I have come to realize that I was married to someone who couldn't handle the problems I had, who could see these disabilities coming and could not deal with it. I have learned that I was a woman who felt less BECAUSE of the man  I was with. Granted, he has - since we have reached the civil-again stage - pointed out some helpful things concerning my health and disabilities.

Lately, I have been surprised to find that I am no longer panicking over not having a partner. In fact, I have even gone past the fatalistic "no one will ever love me again" phase to a phase where it doesn't really matter. But in a good way. I am completely having to be there for myself.

In the past I turned that over to my parents, my man, my friends. I was quite the victim. Something about lying there helpless or stuck in a wheelchair as I was this winter made me want to can that victim act. I had to do the work of learning to walk again, I had to do the work of learning to climb stairs so I could come home. I'm the one who is going to physical therapy now and actively seeking ways of living well with arthritis. At the same time I realized that no one else is going to earn my living, no one else is going to do business for me, no one else is going to (or ever could) make me happy. I guess I can thank my physical problems for giving me the down-time I needed to reassess, to learn, and to grow up. I have to be there for myself. Suddenly that truth isn't so frightening.

I am finally realizing the meaning of loving myself. With my bipolar disorder, that is not always easy. As I start to recognize appropriate behaviors in people, I assure you that it is shocking to my natural ways of wanting to deal with things. I never had time to think about these things before. This may sound stupid, but I've finally decided that it is ok for me to keep a bottle of wine that I like in my fridge. Instead of mourning the loss of my yard and gardens (which, face it, I could barely stand to work in anymore) I have embarked on making my apartment balcony a beautiful haven. This is well worth it, as I live in a community on the very edge of town and live on the back of the building where I am treated frequently to the sight of many birds, deer, turkeys, and to the antics of a family of cats living in the meadow. I'm waiting for the danger of frost to pass so I can load up the porch with flowers and herbs. I discovered that they make wrought iron hooks on stands! Now I can hang baskets of flowers, bird feeders, bird houses, and candle holders! 

I even bought myself a decent camera the other day. Yes, I know that the kids will still call and tell me they're starving or one of them needs a train ticket home. OK. I'll still help them. And I'll still make myself happy, too. Sooo...I bought an iPod as well. Now I have to study booklets and figure these things out. That's good for me. I enjoy it.

Make no mistake, I am in no way discounting the love and help and support of family and friends. It's just that for the first time in my life I am supporting myself and taking responsibility for myself. For the first time, I can rely on myself and trust myself. I think I'm beating some really big disabilities!