Saydrah

Dog Alerts Blind Man to Burning Home; Man Rescues Dog

2008-08-20T21:20:00Z

Scott Ferguson, who is blind, was asleep in his Farmington, PA home when his pet dog began barking. When he woke to check on the dog, Ferguson opened his bedroom door and felt heat. He realized his home was on fire, grabbed his cell phone, and jumped out the window, suffering minor scrapes and scratches.

Once out of the house, Mr. Ferguson used his cell phone to dial 911. After alerting emergency responders, Ferguson returned to the house to rescue his dog.

Both the dog and Scott Ferguson are safe and uninjured, and the Red Cross has provided food, clothing, and temporary housing for Ferguson. Fire crews will continue to investigate, but the fire is believed to have been accidental. The living room and kitchen of the home were destroyed, and the entire structure has sustained serious smoke and water damage.

Women Ejected From Dunkin' Donuts and Threatened with Trespassing Charges for Bringing Service Dogs into the Store

2008-08-15T21:54:00Z

Kiersten Niles, who uses a service dog for seizure alert and hearing assistance, says she was refused service at Dunkin' Donuts in Manchester, New Hampshire last month. Ms. Niles was told that her service dog, Loretta, was not welcome in the store.

After Niles was told to leave with Loretta, she called Judi Bayly, of Assistance Canine Education and Support Inc., an advocate of service dogs. Judi's dog, Crystal, helps her with mobility and detects health changes. Judi and Kiersten returned to Dunkin' Donuts together, armed with a brochure showing that state law and the Americans with Disabilities Act grant public access to service dogs assisting persons with disabilities.

At that point, says Niles, she and Bayly were told to leave or face trespassing charges.

Despite a statement from Dunkin Donuts claiming that the franchisee has "reached out" to the women, Niles and Bayly say no one from the chain contacted them. If they do not receive an apology, the women say they may take the matter to court.

How Many Members of an Internet Forum Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

2008-08-15T18:00:00Z

Found this on the web, and it's pretty true of our own Disaboom Discussions!

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that the Lighting section was really intended for candle-related posts, then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6
to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities.

6 people to complain about dead images.

3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy the URL into
another window.

13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers, images and signatures, and add "I agree".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

Editorial Cartoonists Take on High Gas Prices: 20 Hilarious Cartoons

2008-08-12T21:20:00Z

1. Feedback Solicited?:

2. Neener, neener....

3. The Usual Suspect:

4. Cheaper by the Flock:

5. Panhandling at $4.00/gallon:

6. Highway Robbery:

7. Partial Payment:

8. Fond Memories:

9. Taken for a Ride:

10. The Sweet Smell of Price Gouging:

11. A Loan-ly Road:

12. Early Symptoms:

13. Uphill, Both Ways:

14. A Full ~~Tank~~:

15. Economic Stimulus:

16. That'll be 30 Years at 6%:

17. Gifted:

18. Auction Option:

19. The More Things Change...

20. Vacation Worries:

A Devious Young Man at Confession

2008-08-11T22:06:00Z

A young man enters a confessional booth.

He confesses, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I went out with a girl of loose morals."

The priest says, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes it is," says the boy.

"When did you sin?" asks the priest.

"Last Saturday," confesses Johnny.

"With whom did you sin?" inquires the priest.

Johnny says, "I don't want to ruin her reputation.

"I'll find out anyway when she confesses. It's best just to tell me now," says the priest. "Was it little Nina Valenci?"

"I'll never tell," says Johnny.

"Was it Keisha Lawrence?" asks the priest.

"My lips are sealed," maintains Johnny.

The priest thinks for a moment and asks, "Was it Tiffany Cole?"

"I won't say," says Johnny.

The priest sighs. "You're very tight-lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. Now, you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot be an altar boy for the next four months. Bless you, Johnny, and go out and behave yourself."

Johnny returns to the pews and sits down next to his best friend George.

"What did you get?" asks George.

"Four months vacation and three good leads!"

Excerpts from High School English Essays

2008-08-11T20:04:00Z

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are the most recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my uncle Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

50 Funniest Road Signs Around the World

2008-08-08T18:44:00Z

1. But absolutely no Shiting in Lu.

Photo by Axoplasm

2. It's a Baptist Emergency! Hurry:

Photo by Duluoz Cats

3. Dyslexic sign:

Photo by Andryone

4. No kidding:

Photo by GothicNexus

5. Good advice for some construction equipment; bad advice for... well, you know:

Photo by simmogl

6. Virgin pelicans cross 500 yards ahead:

Photo by tgigreeny

7. Turn where now?:

Photo by StevenM_61

8. Misanthropic sign:

Photo by wolfcat_aus

9. I was just driving along, and suddenly, this road jumped out in front of me:

Photo by celebdu

10. To just cuddle road for a while, make a left:

Photo by mcsd888

11. The trouble with Mapquest:

Photo by Christopher Bailey

12. Darn, I was planning to drive my car:

Photo by Omad

13. Frequent construction in area:

Photo by photooptik

14. Caution-- yield to illegal immigrants:

Photo by lynnftw

15. Do not enjoy cows on wheels:

Photo by Richdrogpa

16. Caution, brassieres may fall on heads of walking men:

Photo by potterianer

17. Where Wiley Coyote gets all those sledgehammers and sticks of dynamite:

Photo by microserf

18. Well, your mother-in-law may not be very nice, but you needn't be quite so rude about it:

Photo by mightyupsetter

19. Important traffic safety notice:

Photo by noii

20. Caution, you are driving into the Eye of Sauron:

Photo by loneprimate

21. ...And signs not quality controlled:

Photo by rileyroxx

22. What, no piano accompaniment?:

Photo by xipe_totec39

23. Yield to people dancing to the road sings:

Photo by sega10028

24. Think they get many orders for signs like this?:

Photo by rivers of babylon

25. Caution, aliens landed 1.5 km ahead:

Photo by lanchutt

26. The other road sings, but this one doesn't know the words:

Photo by idma

27. This must be Sesame Street:

Photo by myJon

28. Absolutely no cars permitted on this road:

Photo by notthetupolev

29. Spread legs, slide down until you hit skateboard ramp?:

Photo by nafmo

30. Blunt Sign:

Photo by newhaircut

31. Caution, telekinetic cyclops snowflakes may reduce traction:

Photo by nchenga

32. Absolutely no burning of unwanted cars on this road:

Photo by richbeechina

33. As far as I can tell, this sign advises against groping geriatrics:

Photo by richdrogpa

34. Do not overturn pawns in road:

Photo by potterianer

35. Is it sad because it's bent?:

Photo by artnow314

36. In my country, the police just put tacks in the road during car chases:

Photo by artysmokes

37. What if you needless road?:

Photo by beelzebozo

38. Caution, adult men convincing little girls to leave their bicycles behind and come for a walk:

Photo by bods

39. End of continent. Ocean ahead:

Photo by fdecomite

40. Yield to men with flamboyant umbrellas:

Photo by Charlie Harvey

41. Caution, Vice President Cheney in area:

Photo by bondseye

42. Extremely literal sign:

Photo by ErikSchmidt

43. As opposed to....?:

Photo by herzogbr

44. Yield to simultaneous suicides:

Photo by tukanuk

45. At that point, I think it becomes no longer a bike trail:

Photo by wiredwitch

46. Respect life; if you run someone over, have the decency to clean it up:

Photo by Perla

47. Good reasoning:

Photo by amayu

48. Yield to small robots with televisions for faces:

Photo by treefell

49. Caution: Men driving enormous nails into own foreheads:

Photo by tigerweet

50. Difficult choice:

Photo by triplemaximus

Bodybuilder Who Faked Disability Claim Loses Job

2008-08-05T23:39:00Z

Does the guy to the left look permanently disabled due to back injury? The Boston Fire Department doesn't think so, either, and they're letting bodybuilder Albert Arroyo go for failing to report to work, defying a Fire Commissioner's order. Arroyo filed for a disability pension earlier this summer, and, 15 days later, finished eighth in the WNBF Pro-American Bodybuilding Championship.

Following the bodybuilding competition, Fire Commissioner Roderick Fraser ordered Arroyo to return to work July 21, where he inspects structures to ensure compliance with city fire codes. Arroyo has failed to report to his job for two weeks, and the Boston Fire Department announced today that he will be informed that he has "voluntarily separated" himself from employment by failing to report for work for 14 days.

So, there are plenty of people here permanently disabled by back injuries-- do any of you participate and/or compete in bodybuilding? It seems ludicrous to me, but if you can prove me wrong, please do!

Aircraft problems listed by pilots (and the solutions recorded by mechanics)

2008-08-05T19:47:00Z

This was passed on to me by a friend who works in the airline industry. He has no doubt these are genuine quotations, having seen many similar examples of airline humor:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet,' which tells mechanics about any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P), and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas has the best safety record of any major airline.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a toddler pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from toddler.

Do you now feel more secure flying, knowing these fine folks have your safety as their top priority?

Tales of Stupid Parents, Crooks, Employees, and More: 2008 Stupid Awards

2008-08-05T18:59:00Z

Stories found around the web:

2008 promises a bumper crop of contenders for "The Stupid Awards!" These being, of course, the prizes given to people who do something remarkably stupid, but don't die or become sterile as a result, meaning they're ineligible for the Darwin Awards, but still pretty darn stupid.

Stupidest Parent of 2008:
As told by a medical student

"I am currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

"I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

"I told her that she had better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."

Stupidest Thieving Employee of 2008:

"Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

"Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.

"It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing."

Stupidest Crook of 2008:

"A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote this: 'Put all your muny in this bag.'

"While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window, so he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.

"After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland.

"Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland."

Stupidest Speeder of 2008 (and best sense of humor in a police department):

"A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

"He later received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.

"Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $140."

Worst Partner in Crime of 2008:

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled bandit shot him.

Stupidest Vandal of 2008:

Perth, WA: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Stupidest Rural Neighbor of 2008:
As told by a rancher:

"I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Cattle Crossing sign on our road.

"The reason: 'Too many Cattle are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'"

Stupidest Fast Food Employee of 2008:
As told by a father:

"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

"He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg."

Foot-in-Mouth Award for 2008:

As told by someone now polishing up his resume

"I was at a send-off luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to' down sizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

"Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with amazement."

All You'll Ever Need to Know About Business, Management, and Your Career, in Five Minutes

2008-08-04T23:31:00Z

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss speak first.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE BUSINESS AND MANAGEMENT COURSE

Woman Called 911 over Wrong Hamburger

2008-07-30T23:21:00Z

I think anyone who's ever experienced a life-threatening emergency understands why 911 shouldn't be used to report a fast food error! Unfortunately (for the dispatcher and anyone else trying to get through) the woman below apparently thinks that getting the wrong burger at Burger King warrants a police emergency response. On an interesting note, the burger she's requesting is a Carl's Jr. menu item-- NOT available at Burger King, which might explain why she's having trouble getting the Burger King employees to make one for her...

Click here for the audio from the 911 call-- transcript below:

Dispatcher: Sheriff’s department, how can I help you?

Woman: Yeah, I’m over here . . . I’m over here at Burger King right here in San Clemente.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: Um, no, not San Clemente; I’m sorry, I live in San Clemente. I’m in Laguna Niguel, I think, that’s where I’m at.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I’m at a drive-through right now.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I went . . . I ordered my food three times. They’re mopping the floor inside, and I understand they’re busy . . . they’re not even busy, okay, I’ve been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbeque Burger. Okay, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and cheese, onions, and I said, “I’m not leaving . . .”

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I want a Western Burger because I just got my kids from Tae Kwon Do, they’re hungry, I’m on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: Okay . . . she said, she gave me another hamburger; it’s wrong. I said four times, I said, “I want it to go. Can you go out and park in front?” I said, “No, I want my hamburger right.” So then the . . . the lady came to the manager. She . . . well whoever she is, she came up and she said, um, she said, um, “Do you want your money back?” And I said, “No, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry and I have to jump on that toll freeway.” I said, “I am not leaving this spot,” and I said, “I will call the police,” because I want my Western Burger done right! Now is that so hard?

Dispatcher: Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

Woman: I . . . send an officer down here. I . . . I want them to make me . . .

Dispatcher: Ma’am, we’re not gonna go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Woman: What am I supposed to do?

Dispatcher: This is . . . this is between you and the manager. We’re not gonna go and enforce how to make a hamburger; that’s not a criminal issue. There’s . . . there’s nothing criminal there.

Woman: So I just stand here . . . so I just sit here and [block]?

Dispatcher: You . . . you need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

Woman: She did come up, and I said, “Can I please have my Western Burger?” She . . . she said, “I’m not dealing with it,” and she walked away. Because they’re mopping the floor, and it’s also the fact that they don’t want to . . . they don’t want to go through there . . . and . . . and . . .

Dispatcher: Ma’am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is . . . this is not a criminal issue. We can’t go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

Woman: Well . . . that is . . . that . . . you’re supposed to be here to protect me.

Dispatcher: Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?

Woman: No . . .

Dispatcher: Is this like . . . is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don’t understand what you want us to do.

Woman: Just come down here. I’m not . . . I’m not leaving.

Dispatcher: No ma’am, I’m not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back or go home.

Woman: She is not acting like an adult herself! I’m sitting here in my car; I just want them to make my kids a . . . a Western Burger.

Dispatcher: Ma’am, this is what I suggest: I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.

Woman: Okay.

Dispatcher: Okay? Bye-bye.

Ever seen "Eight is Enough?" For one Canadian family, Eighteen Isn't Enough!

2008-07-28T20:38:00Z

Can you imagine life with eighteen kids? Alexandru Ionce and his wife, Livia Ionce, just welcomed their eighteenth baby into the world-- and they say they might have more children in the future! Newborn Abigail's siblings range from 20 months to 23 years in age.

"There might be more," says Livia, though the family admits raising eighteen children is expensive. The family home has seven bedrooms, but only two bathrooms for the kids, which sometimes means standing in line to use the facilities.

Alexandru, who works in construction, says of his large brood, "The only reason we have kids so many because we trust in God and we don't stop the life."

Alexandru and Livia might find kindred spirits in the Duggar family, who were the subjects of five television documentaries focusing on their large family, and who are now expecting baby number 18 in January of 2009. The Duggars, like the Ionces, cite religion as the determining factor in their choice to have a large family.

Dinner Party + Kindergartener + Interesting Table Settings= Hilarity

2008-07-23T18:24:00Z

This one was relayed to me by email.

When I was five years old, I learned to read, and there was no stopping me. I was a bookworm from day one, and delighted in exercising my new talent by reading everything in sight, from cereal boxes to the labels on bottles of dish soap. One day, I opened a drawer in the restroom and read aloud, "Napkins." I asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the restroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary explanations, she merely said, "I use them only once a month."

Now, it's important to note that, aside from her children, my mother's greatest joy was the local social scene. She belonged to several clubs: The Rotary Club, a book club, a ladies' tennis club, and a group of "ladies who lunch," among others. Every time it was Mom's turn to host one of her clubs' meetings, she hosted a dinner party and spent at least a week fussing over menus, making table decorations, and cleaning the house from top to bottom. Around the same time that I began reading, my mother took it upon herself to pass this art down to me.

I was given a number of small jobs to do in preparation for the meeting of the book club. I felt very proud to be allowed to help plan the dinner, especially because our pastor and his wife had recently joined my mother's book club. At that age, I saw the pastor as a celebrity of sorts, and I held his wife in the highest regard.

When the day of the much-anticipated party finally came, I was dressed in my Sunday best, every hair in place, and I had one last job to do. While my mother labored in the kitchen preparing an elaborate meal, I was to set the table. I had rehearsed this routine several times under my mother's watchful eye, and I knew it back to front. I knew just which fork was for which course, where to place each wine glass, and why each guest needed both a small and a large plate.

When the guests began to appear, my mother directed me to show them into the sitting room to chat until everyone arrived. She remained in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on her cupcakes. A few minutes later, when all the guests were present, my mother rushed over and directed them toward the dining room. The pastor entered first, followed by his wife.

Immediately, the pastor burst into gales of laughter. His wife gasped, then began giggling. The other guests were close on their heels, and soon the dining room was filled with guffaws. Finally, my mother came in behind her guests, and nearly died of embarrassment as soon as she saw just how carefully I had set the table.

At each guest's place was a single special napkin from my mother's bathroom drawer, carefully tucked under the edge of each plate, with the salad, dinner, and dessert forks arranged atop the napkins. I had even tucked their little tails under, so the "napkins" wouldn't hang off the edge of the table.

My mother, blushing furiously, took me by the hand and pulled me back into the sitting room. She asked in hushed tones, "Why, dear, did you put those napkins on the dinner table?"

I answered, proudly, in a voice that surely carried to the dining room, "I remembered, Mama, when you told me that you use those once a month. That's when the book club meets!"

New Company Policy

2008-07-22T22:23:00Z

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have Non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where Employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Signed,
The Management

Please feel free to pass this on to all those employed, or to those who could use a reason to be glad they're not employed!