Getting Stuck and Unstuck from Denial

This entry is part of a series. If you haven’t already read it, you may want to start here.

The first article on denial. 

How do I know when I or a loved one are stuck in denial?
First, it’s important to realize that being in denial is not a bad thing and you don’t need to escaped from it as quickly as possible. Some people do best facing things head on, others need more time. Some losses need more time than others. So give yourself permission to be where you are as long as you need.

Denial goes on too long when the defensive facade becomes offensive by interfering with the needs of daily life or beginning to undermine relationships with friends or family.

Stop. Ask yourself if the person has really been in denial too long, or if you just want them to move on. If it’s yourself asking these questions about yourself, then you are ready to begin to face reality.

If it’s someone else you’re asking about, take a close look. How long has it been? How much harm is really coming from them being in denial? Is the denial helping them fulfill their responsibilities or getting in the way? Have they been facing reality is small doses and you’ve just missed it? If they know they’ve experienced a loss and just aren’t willing to face it yet, chances are they just need to handle things in their own time. If you’re not sure, best to love and support them, but not push things.
 
Depending on what has happened, denial may need to be present for longer than we think. The good news is that, generally speaking, as someone begins to see the cracks in their facade appear (as they inevitably do), they give up a little ground at a time. That’s a good thing. It helps them face reality in small, controlled steps.

If they are stuck, how do I help them face reality?
The first thing to do is to gently point them in the direction of learning about grief, the need to grieve, and the stages of grief. Often people don’t realize that what they are experiencing is a natural part of facing loss. Once they realize that this what happens to everyone who has lost someone, then just knowing the next stage is anger helps them know it’s OK to be angry. The goal is to get things moving.

If education about grief doesn’t get things moving (even slightly — remember this is about their timing, not yours), try simply naming facts. This might include any related newspaper articles, photos of the accident, letters, etc. Be prepared, because they can get really angry at such things. Most people respond to education combined with the cold hard facts.

However, a few will see those facts begin to chip away at their ramparts and rather than letting them fall they rush to built them higher and stronger, possibly even lashing out at anyone who dares approach them.

Here is where being stuck in denial becomes an addiction. The person completely avoids life and becomes devoted to building and maintaing a false reality.

Addiction of any kind requires professional counseling. Even if your loved one won’t go, you need to talk with a counselor or psychologist to help you know how to help them face their addiction. In cases of brain injury, a neuropsychologist is best, because the combination of organic damage and psychological issues can be very challenging to sort out.

The need for support 

Loss and disability can be very challenging things to face. If at all possible, having a strong network of family and friends and a faith community makes facing them easier. Please don’t hesitate to contact a faith community near you to ask for help, even if you haven’t been there before.