The Challenge of Changing Roles: I can’t make love, he’s like a child to me now”

You met, fell in love, and got married, with visions of a lifetime shared together, raising kids, and growing old together in a deep, passionate love that ages like a fine whiskey (or wine, if you prefer!).

But something happened along the way. Now you are your Beloved’s caregiver. Caregiving is a role that can really challenge the sexual relationship. For many, it’s difficult to see the person you love and constantly give care to as some you make love with.

And depending on the capacity of your Beloved, this challenge can hit you both hard. Claims of “you don’t love me anymore” or “you don’t think I’m beautiful — I’m ugly,” or “You don’t think I’m man enough anymore” are heartrending for both of you.

Whatever the disability, whatever the severity, giving care to someone is more like a sibling or parental role of responsibility than one we think of as part of passionate married life. Can we shift roles back to being lover and beloved? Even briefly? If so, how?

Educate Yourself
It’s important to realize that while we typically think of married love as the romantic stuff we see in movies, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. True, lasting love forms deeply and is far more than an emotion. True love is self sacrificing, thinking of the other first. This is the gift of marriage — how it helps us become the fullness of who God created us to be. It can mean doing all the things spousal caregivers do because that is part of life, part of the journey we’ve been given.

If it’s any consolation, for marriages that last longer than a decade, the chances are high that one will be a significant caretake for the other at some point. You are far from alone in this challenge.

Talk about it
First, share your challenges and frustrations with your Beloved. Chances are they feel them also, though perhaps differently. Marriage is about journeying through life together, and this is certainly part of the journey. And in talking with them, they may have some ideas that are helpful.

Next, ask yourself why we can’t separate from the role of caregiver so you can shift to being lover and beloved? There is a time and place for everything, but what is blocking you from seeing your wife or husband as your lover as well as someone in your care?

You may want to write to him or her, or to God, or to yourself (a journal -- but keep it private if you like) and dialogue back and forth, asking them or God to answer you and vice versa. Once you know in more detail why you can't separate the two roles (or seamlessly integrate them so you see both much of the time), then it may be easier to explore how to address it.

Date Again
The idea here is to shift how you see you spouse. Begin to see them an their timeless man or woman you married and want to make love with. She or he is a loving vibrant person inside. How does God see this person? What will they look like as their timeless selves in heaven?

Play around. Flirt. Leave little love notes in surprising places around the house (they may end up doing the same!). Recreating a "famous" date you had together, asking them to help recreate it.

Share the Journey
There is no magic answer. For some couples in some situations the above ideas work. For others, they don’t. But even the effort of talking about it, and trying to address it will help your Beloved know you love them and what to be lover and beloved again.

There are many ways to make love. You are beginning to discover some of the ways that don’t make it into the movies!

What are your ideas and discoveries for how to make love as married caregiver and caregivee? Please use the comments section to share.