Posted: 9/24/2007 at 09:56 PM
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One of my worries (and I assure you; I have many) in regards to dating with a disability, is whether or not predatory men see me as an "easy target." Do I reek of desperation? Does the sight of my chair make the a-holes of this world think I have no standards? I mean, it's a legitamate worry. And if you really want to know the truth, my anxieties are based on actual circumstances that really happened to me over the years. Here's a perfect example:
There was once a man. Let's call him "Thor." Thor was an ex-con who was literally on the run from the law. Ok, scratch the "ex" part. There was no '"ex-con" thing about the man. He was STILL wanted and needed an easy place to hide. What better place than a disabled chic's dorm? I mean, that's SERIOUSLY what he stumbled upon one night in a "Minneapolis" chat room on AOL. Take about a lucky break. I had no idea about his past; in the beginning,
You see, I was much younger at the time and had a pretty low self-esteem; and he was sneaky in all the right ways. He knew just by flattering me a little bit, that I'd melt in his hand like a M&M on a hot summer day; and agree to let him move in with me in my on-campus apartment. Of course, his plan worked. I was pegged as an easy target. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.
Naturally, we only lasted a few months. He met my other disabled friend - and behind my back no less - started sleeping with her, and moved in with her too. It was heartbreaking. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend in one fell swoop. I felt like such an idiot. Even after he told me about his "past" a month after we started dating, I was assured and believed he was a changed man. But, my naivety was too trusting.
Since that awful experience, I've become more than a little bit paranoid concerning the trust levels I give the men I meet. They need to prove themselves. Paranoid about being an easy target or not at all, I think waiting to trust is a good rule of thumb anyways along any type of dating escapade. Actions will always speak MUCH louder than words. And the truth will eventally reveal itself.
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I'm sorry you had this horrible experience-could feel your pain in your words but glad to see you've emerged stronger. I think this is something all women in wheelchairs think about..maybe men too I'm not sure! Fellas?
this happens a lot more than people realize; the same exact story happened to a close friend of mine.
trust me--- you do not REEK of desperation! i think we grow from experiences like these, as bad as they are.
kara, good point. i bet a lot of disabled guys have the same feelings. we just all need to be collectively careful, i think! :)
- tiff
stacey,
wow, that's crazy the exact situation happened to your friend! knowing this though, i'll admit, makes me feel a bit better tho. thx :)
What an awful experience. No one deserves that kind of treatment. What an ***.
I don't want to date anyone right now. I think about my injury & dating & some things turn me off completely.
I haven't met anyone that I've wanted to date.
I mean I dated the same guy for 8 years. I'm over it for a while.
But when the time comes, no one better F with me. If they do, they will suffer. I'm crazy & I have an incredible imagination. My entourage would flip out. I have really protective, really vindictive friends. LoL...
I guess dating is hard. For ABs it certainly is. But for us it is unbelievably harder. Just focus on yourself. You are such a fox, Tiff. I wish you nothing but the best in your relationships.
jay,
yeah, don't even look. that's my solid tip 'o the dia.
guys = a-holes, generally.
Hey Tiff,
No fair. I take umbrage at that generality. Well, Ok not really, actually I kinda agree, I do prefer the company of women to that of men,GENERALLY. Y'know we're stuck with this testosterone and really a lot more vulnerable than is socially acceptable to demonstrate or even admit to ourselves.
When I was dating I had low self-esteem, high anxiety and only conversed with women that approached me first.Only after receiving a sure sign (?) that she was interested, would I even consider asking her out.
Now, call me wierd (you won't be the first) but I've always found women that were different than society's stereotype (Barbie?) to be more interesting and attractive. From another country, of another race, with a disability.
Of course we're all human beings regardless of life circumstance, with deep similarities, but superficially at least, I was/am more attracted to people who are different than the norm. Perhaps the challenge of the relationship reflects the challenge of my self relationship, if you follow.
See you at the disco (not),
Bruce
bruce,
thx for your comments. its intersting to hear a disabled guy's perspective on this subject :)
oh, geez. This isnt' the same thing exactly or maybe it is, but I had this guy in college imprison me in my own dorm room all night and NOT LEAVE when I asked/told him to several times. His reason? I am blind. Therefore I could not find him unattractive. Therefore, I could not reject him. How could I? I'm blind. I'm lucky this asshole gave me the time of day...
I finally got rid of him at like, six am. I was only 18 then. Nowdays I have enough confidence to get rid of people like that almost immediately. But yeah, with a few exceptions, most guys are assholes and I do think that there is an element of disability that attracts the most assholey of the assholes.
lisa,
wow! that experience sounds horrifying. im just glad you made it out safely. whew!
- tiffiny
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