truesilverwolfman

Seizure

truesilverwolfman — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Apparently a night ago I had some type of seizure. Not sure what happened because I have no memory of it happening. Again I am being tested and scanned and probed and no one is telling me anything except that it happened and it will happen again until the doctors can figure out what the cause was...that it might have to do with the meningitis and post operation infections I am fighting now, or the antibiotics they are giving me post-op. So now I am not only not in control of my body I am not in control of my mind. What else can go wrong?

Leg # 2 is now gone

truesilverwolfman — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 09:09:00 GMT

Well, the other leg has been removed below the knee. Still very raw and sore, they are keeping me very sedated even though I have asked not to be. So I am stuck in a hospital room again. Thinking is very fragmented trying to type is very time disoriented. My father says I have shut down personality wise...I am and with good reason...I am not even making any effort any more...why should I...life is unbearable

Anniversary

truesilverwolfman — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:42:00 GMT

I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary in two days since my sickness drastically changed my life. In a few weeks they will be removing my other leg below the knee...I am to say the least very sad, depressed, in pain can't sleep angry all the time. Good news with the help of my dad I am out of that depressing rehab center so thats a plus. Right now I am back in one of the house's we own, not quite alone yet (have an in home nurse who is here until I fall asleep) because I am sure the word has been passed that I am not to be left alone yet. I find that I am trying to get on a regular routine (sleep, eat , read, physical therapy, doctors appointments) and I find my emotions can go from so so to extreme sadness in a heart beat. My thoughts jump and I cannot stay on a single idea for very long. Is this normal? I don't know? I know it is not normal for me.

More great news ha yea right!

truesilverwolfman — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:13:00 GMT

Well, my future has taken another smack. The Doctor's confirmed that my auditory nerves are completely useless, the meningitis has completely destroyed the nerves so the hope for cochlear implants is no longer in the works. It was a hope that I was clinging to and now it to is gone. I am tired of it all, no hope any more. I feel useless, helpless, no longer in charge of my future. My father has visited and agreed with me and finds this facility to be unacceptable so he is taking time to visit other rehabs and is going to asses the fitness himself. I afraid I am taking his attention and time away from his life and business meetings and it looks like he is pushing himself to hard. I can see the stress I am putting him thru even now and can't help but think how better off he would be not having me to deal with. Eventually I will burden him no more.

The huddle

truesilverwolfman — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 07:33:00 GMT

Every few days at this place a ritual takes place that I have dubbed "The Huddle". Anywhere from 5 to 7 assorted people barge into this dump of a room I am stuck in huddle around my bed and enter into some kind of blathering. I try to ignore them but eventually one of them whiteboards the same questions, like "how do you feel?" or "are you in any pain?" I write back things like "will you please put me out of my misery?" or "this place smells like a toilet!" or "yes the food is terrible." All I want to do is have my dad visit me in this hell hole, I have e-mailed him and he has replied that he is going to try to visit (so busy running his casino's empire) or I get silly "hang in there" messages like his song one I have blogged about. The drugs are still being pumped into me and my days are all blurred the only way I can tell what day it is is to look on my computer. Still not talking to anyone I just want to be left alone

nope nope not gonna stay here

truesilverwolfman — Mon, 26 May 2008 15:06:00 GMT

O.K. for all of you who want me to update you on the move to the rehab facility, in short I refuse to stay here. All the horror stories I have heard about theses places fall far short of the reality. Now I admit my father and I have been letting others direct the path of my so called recovery and I have e-mailed him my request that I be able to recover and rehab in my house which may cost a bundle but I think we can afford it for the short time I will be there. Now maybe I just happened to land in a facility that is the exception to the norm and maybe I am hypercritical, but before any medical professional sends a patient to one of these hell holes they need to be visited by the doctor and the question "would I want to be here for any extended length of time?" be honestly answered by said physician. Do not rely on the word of the doctor community, go yourself, put the effort into making sure the facilities are up to the standards you would want if you had to rehab in said location. So one way or the other I am leaving this dump

sent to me by my father

truesilverwolfman — Sat, 24 May 2008 01:06:00 GMT

Rik: I heard this song on the casino's music system and it caught my ear and pulled me into it so I went on the internet to find out who sang it. The singer is Josh Groban, here are the lyrics. You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) Don't give up It's just the weight of the world When your heart's heavy I I will lift it for you Don't give up Because you want to be heard If silence keeps you I I will break it for you Everybody wants to be understood Well I can hear you Everybody wants to be loved Don't give up Because you are loved Don't give up It's just the hurt that you hide When you're lost inside I I'll be there to find you Don't give up Because you want to burn bright If darkness blinds you I I will shine to guide you Everybody wants to be understood Well I can hear you Everybody needs to be loved Don't give up Because...you are loved Don't give up It's just the weight of the world Don't give up Everyone needs to be loved You are loved...I know you can't hear this song son and that makes me sad but the words are moving. Dad

something new

truesilverwolfman — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:20:00 GMT

The "concerned" people are moving me to a rehabilitation center I think they just wanna get my ass out so they do not have to deal with me n e more...me I just wanna go home and be alone...finish this miserable existence...does this read like I am bitching? Oh well it will soon be a year since my life was altered by what I thought was a case of flu, something I thought I could keep up with my studies and just take over the counter medicine for and be rid of...boy was that a wrong decision. So you see I am the sole person who got me into this mess and the sole person who will get myself out one way or another. Funny thing I have come to realize since I cannot hear any more I have realized that I am not talking much (using my voice). Not that I want to. I have been given a manic depression designation now by the experts...see I read my charts not that anyone else does, seems I have been crying and laughing in my sleep, (is that normal)? Nightmares are very common when I am asleep and not so doped up. Here's hoping I don't end up in one of those places where the hallways smell like urine all the time, where they park the Alzheimer patients in the hallways tied in their wheelchairs

can't win for losing

truesilverwolfman — Fri, 16 May 2008 23:59:00 GMT

So I have now been removed from the pill regiment and all they do is come in and add another bag to my I.V. drip...this eliminates the need to answer my constant and repeated questions about what they are putting into me...do I have to pull the shunt out of my arm to get them to realize I am serious about this, that the Doctors and staff need to address this. If I could get to a stairwell in this hospital I'd be history fer sure. Oh why do they call it Physical Therapy??? PT should stand for Physical Torture I guess you can tell I am just starting. Thank god I don't have to hear me groan and moan. Oh yea again another one who does not bother to read the charts, comes in and I can see her mouth going so I play along like I am able to hear her finally she must have asked me a question because when I just gave her a signal to hand me my chart and point to it where it says in bold large letter TOTAL HEARING LOSS she started to use the white board and write her questions. I just wanna end this misery soon. :(

What are they giving me???

truesilverwolfman — Thu, 15 May 2008 12:06:00 GMT

So I have decided not to comply with my Doctors and just swallow the cocktail of pills they bring me every day. I want to know what effect these drugs are having on my wasted shell of a body, and what pills are being given to me to alter my personality to make me more compliant to the wishes of "concerned individuals". I can control what gets put in my mouth at least. So unless I get a answer that a layman can understand I am not going to just swallow everything given to me. Now I am sure this is going to be difficult with my deafness but it is going to force an issue I want addressed

lost days

truesilverwolfman — Sun, 04 May 2008 02:56:00 GMT

See this is another gripe I have...it seems I was dosed Friday night and I have lost a whole day basically I slept fog brained for 24 hours and I am still not totally with it granted the Dr.'s are trying to tweak the dosages but jeez if someone doesn't eat n e thing for 24 hours wouldn't that raise red flags...guess not cuz no one has

patience and placating

truesilverwolfman — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:52:00 GMT

I will bide my time, soon I will be left alone, no more , no more

future and fate

truesilverwolfman — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 02:59:00 GMT

So how does one go about convincing others that this is not the way I want to live??? I do not want to continue in the shell I am in and I do not want to burden any one now or in the future...Right now I am a physical burden and a financial burden where a year ago I was a healthy active individual...I want to end this torture.... once again I want to state if my cat was in as much pain and suffering as I am in I would put the poor animal down...when did I lose the right to determine my own future and fate...

ARRGH

truesilverwolfman — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:22:00 GMT

All I want to do is stop existing in this silent shell of a body I am in....tired of the drugs...tired of being flat on my back....tired of the "poor fellow" looks from former friends who come by once and are never seen again...tired of Doctors who come in to my room and start to ask me questions without reading my chart to find out that I am TOTALLY DEAF....assholes...I am to blame for this..... no one else....wish t would end

first day

truesilverwolfman — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:06:00 GMT

No I am not happy :( this illness and the complications are not worth suffering through. I am overwhelmed. Can't hear anything...can't walk..pain is unbearable except with the use of highly addictive pain and muscle relaxing med's...which I find I go to for any little pain or problem...would rather sleep or be so brain fogged than face this. Live forward...ha this is not living this is suffering...if my cat was suffering like I am I would humanly euthanize her.