You Might Be A Handicapped Redneck ?

 

NEW ADDITIONS + Reorganized!
(accommodating the OCD’s among us!)

 

You Might Be A Handicapped Redneck If...

 

 

Modifiers, Bikers, Truckers and NASCAR: 

 

.....  If your power chair has a [chrome] roll bar and KC light covers.

.....  If you've bolted a chrome tailpipe tip to the bottom of your powerchair.

.....  If your wheelchair has Yosemite Sam mudflaps (or chrome bolt on Go-Go Dancers).

.....  If you're pissed because spinner rims aren't available for wheelchairs.

.....  You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to amp up your wheelchair motors.

.....  You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.

.....  If you've made your own spinner rims with lazy-suzan turntables and aluminum foil.

.....  If you shop at Tractor Supply for adaptive equipment accessories.

.....  You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.

.....  You have ever repainted your adaptive equipment with flames / scull 'n crossbones / flags / etc.

.....  You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out where to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.

.....  Your nickname is emblazoned on your wheelchair somewhere.

.....  You regularly call Harley Davidson and ask when they're gonna start making power wheelchairs.

.....  You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet, "Monster Truck' style.

.....  You have knobby mud tires - that never get dirty.

.....  You installed a horn so your chair will squeal like a hog - or scare people like a semi tractor/trailer.

.....  You installed a whip antenna so you can fly “The Stars And Bars”!  (US flag)

.....  There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.

.....  If your wheelchair has "bulls balls" hanging under the back.

.....  If you have a neon light kit under your powerchair.

.....  You installed a CB under your chair. 

 

 

Inventors:

 

.....  The accessories hangin' on your chair weigh more than 1/3 what your w/c does.

.....  Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.

.....  If you've installed a winch on your chair to escape from mudholes in your driveway.

.....  If you've rigged up a lawnmower to tow a behind your powerchair.

.....  You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.

.....  If you've decorated your powerchair with Christmas lights hooked to your battery.

.....  You replaced your seat with a Barco or Lazy Boy Lounger. 

.....  You found the above Lounger abandoned on the side of the road.

.....  Your tires are basically thick layers of duct tape around the rims.

.....  You use more than one color of duct tape on your chair. 

.....  You’ve duct taped halogen flashlights to your chair as headlights.

.....  If you’ve worn a necklace or arm jewelry made from cath tubes. 

.....  If you frequently use plastic soda bottles as a urinal. 

 

 

Adventurous:

 

.....  If you've handed your beer to a friend saying, "Watch THIS" just before you woke up in the ER.

.....  If you've been towed home sitting in your chair 'cuz of dead batteries.  (chained behind a truck/car)

.....  If you've been towed home sitting in your chair 'cuz of wet wiring from car wash.

.....  If you have snow chains for at least two of your wc-tires.

.....  If your power chair has more miles on it than your van.

.....  If you can't tell what color your wheelchair is because of the mud.

.....  If anyone has written "wash me" in the dust on your wheelchair.

.....  You've considered smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery compartment of a chair.

.....  If you've emptied a leg bag in a hedge row, or on a fire hydrant (etc).

.....  If you (while in your wheelchair) ever created any “road kill”. 

 

 

Sports Enthusiasts:

 

.....  You have someone developing ski's for your front casters.

.....  You've designed a quick-release colt45 holster for the armrest.

.....  If you've been towed down the road in your chair just for shitz 'n grinz.  ("Road Skiing")

.....  If you've used old Bass boat parts to fix or decorate your powerchair.

.....  You entered the tricycle races at field day citing 'Title IX'.

.....  If you named your chair after a pro wrestler.

.....  You wear a 4 pound shiny Rodeo Champ belt buckle that your stomach folds over.  .

....  Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a billiard ball, stick shift knob, beer tap, or similar gizmo.

.....  You keep a score pad for “pedestrian bowling”. 

.....  If spasms are a part of your regular workout. 

 

 

Hunters:

 

.....  If you’ve added camo duct tape to your walker to go hunting.

.....  If you covered yourself and your walker with a garbage bag to make a 'duck blind'.

.....  If you've taped cardboard to 3 sides of your walker to create an in-the-woods Porta Potty.

.....  If your wheelchair has a gun rack and a bottle opener.

.....  If you're looking for a way to hook a bug-zapper to your powerchair.

.....  Any part of your wheelchair is painted in camouflage.

.....  There’s some anatomical portion of a deer, raccoon or other wild critter decorating any part of your chair.

.....  You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.

.....  Sprayed your lift-van with camo patterns. 

 

 

Service Dog Gang:

 

.....  If your service dog is a Pit Bull.

.....  Your service dog and wallet are both on a chain.

.....  If your front porch collapses and kills more than three retired service dogs. 

 

 

Too Hot to Trot:

 

.....  If you pick up and haul hitchhikers on your lap.

.....  If your sexiest evening gown came from a hospital.

.....  If you think preparing for a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. 

.....  If you consider intermittent cathing as fore play.

.....  If you've used a bedpan as a spittoon.

.....  If you've fantasized about mud-wrestling your nurse. 

 

 

For the party crowd: 

 

.....  If you've line danced in your chair at a cowboy bar.

.....  If you ride in the Daytona Bike Week parade with a powerchair.

.....  If after binge drinkin’ you regain consciousness with your head in a lap - but its your own lap.

.....  If you've ever been too drunk to empty a leg bag. 

.....  If you've used vodka to sterilize equipment when you're out of denatured alcohol.

.....  If you've mashed your own toes with your wheelchair, crutches, cane, or walker.

.....  If if you've ever tried, while inebriated, to convince a 1200 lb.  quarter horse to be your service dog.

.....  If you describe your drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'.

.....  If you've figured a way to sync a Karaoke machine with a ventilator. 

 

 

Fashion Divas:

 

.....  If your lap and chest restraints covers more of your belly than your T-shirt.

....  You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they're hard to put on and you can't walk anyway. 

.....  You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.

.....  If the chain on your wallet has gotten snagged in your wheelchair spokes.

.....  The fringe on your jacket and/or your bolo tie has gotten caught in your wheels - but you wear 'em anyway. 

.....  If Velcro is a dominant wardrobe ‘accessory’.

.....  You wonder if, “Depends make your butt look big?"

.....  If you've unknowingly dragged garments snagged on your chair thru the store. 

.....  If executing the "pull my finger" trick briefly preempts changing Depends. 

 

 

Gourmets:

 

.....  If you have 3-4 empty happy meal sacks in your backpack.

.....  If you add beer to your Ensure protein supplement after 5pm.

.....  If your other adaptive chair is made of stacked beer cans. 

 

 

???  :

 

.....  If Kimberly Clark, the maker of Depends, is a major investment consideration. 

 

                                 ======  ======  ======  ======

 

.....  You read this list and found yourself thinking, "Now that's a good idea!" 

 

                    _______ ________ ________ _______ ________
                    

 

Newest: 

 

.....  If your prosthetics rust.

.....  If you bought a carbon fiber Kleenex box, 'cuz it looks ‘sporty’ by your hospital bed.

.....  If you still have a cigarette tucked behind your ear while on a ventilator.

.....  If your favorite recipe begins with: “pierce the film covering.”

.....  If you’ve placed a squeak-toy (noise maker) behind your plastic knee, to celebrate New Years. 

 

 

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__________ Keep 'em coming folks!________________ - Stay tuned -_______
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All my best to you and yours! 
Olivette
xx0x0xx