• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

One of the most frustrating things about having a disability can be the “extra” stuff you have to deal with, especially regarding your bowel, bladder, and other things you’d rather not have to mention. Let’s face it: this is stuff you’d rather not talk about with anybody - least of all a new romantic partner. But if you’re going to get intimate with someone, you can’t keep everything hidden (they’re going to be seeing you naked after all).

So here’s the deal: there are ways to make the “disclosure” session a little bit easier. There are usually questions people ask themselves when they’re in this situation: When do I tell them ... right away, or not until right before we have sex? Should I put it all out there, graphic and everything, or should I tone it down? I have been in this situation a few times and have found through trial and error that some ways are better than others to finally tell your partner things that may be embarrassing regarding your disability.

With that said here are two situations, each with a suggested solution for dealing with it, to help you along the sometimes rocky path of disclosure.

• You have a Super Pubic catheter, a Foley catheter, or a Colostomy bag (or some other kind of permanent fixture on your body to aid with your bowel or bladder care):

Okay, this can be one of the toughest things to talk about. I have found that the best way to disclose this “bombshell” is to do it early, in the “getting to know you” portion of your developing relationship. You might as well let them know right away; that way they can decide right then and there if it’s something they can deal with or not. Why waste your time or theirs?

The truth of the matter is that some people won’t be able to handle this kind of information. So before you get your heart involved, why not know right away instead of risking major hurt feelings a few months down the road? I know the argument against this advice is that it’s not fair to the disabled counterpart and that if the non-disabled person had an opportunity to know you better, he or she might not care what kind of plastic accoutrements are attached to you.

I hear you on this argument, I really do. But at the end of the day, I honestly don’t think it’s a very good plan. Just think about it. When a person is stalling, waiting for the right time to tell the new love interest, your nerves get all wound up in a ball, wondering if that person will reject you the instant s/he finds out. Why put yourself through that? Tell them by the third date, and you’ll be able to actually sleep at night.

• You need help from either your partner or your PCA to undress, get in bed, and position yourself:

Okay, this piece of info isn’t quite so inflammatory; you don’t need to share it right away. I even think it’s okay to wait until the first night you two sleep together, because, it’s just “help,” you know? By the same token, however, you should tell him eventually. It’s a little too abrupt to say, “Okay, my PCA is here. You’re going to need to leave the room for a few minutes!” That would just be terribly confusing for the able-bodied counterpart.

Sharing information regarding your disability - particularly things that may be embarrassing to you - is never going to be easy. But, my friends, it must be done. With some careful thought beforehand, you should be able to tell them without negative consequences. Best of luck!