It can be difficult to describe your disability to someone else; especially when that “someone else” has no direct experience with disability.
“How do I make my disability not sound so horrible that they run away in the opposite direction? Or, “How do I avoid the ‘Oh I’m so sorry!’ pitiful response I usually get when they find out?”
I know. It’s nearly impossible to prevent these kinds of misconceptions. And the bad news - you’re going to encounter these sentiments at some point if you decide to meet potential partners, whether online or off. But there is some good news too: Not everyone thinks like this.
However, in order for the good dating karma to come your way, you must follow the No. 1 rule when disclosing your disability: You must always do it right off the bat.
There’s simply no question about it. Although this little rule of mine is pretty controversial in the disabled dating world (there are varying opinions on this, as you might imagine, this rule is not only based on my 13+ years of experience in online dating, it also happens to be the opinion of many other online daters with a disability as well.
I like to call it the “weed out the bad ones right away” approach. By disclosing my quadriplegia right away, I never waste my time pursuing a guy who will never be able to come to terms with my disability.
How Other Experienced Online Daters DiscloseC.B, age 27 and from the Netherlands, has an invisible disability called CFIDS (chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome). She’s struggled over how to tell guys about her disease.
“Do you mention the ‘CFIDS 7 years and counting’ in your profile, which probably will put a lot of people off, or do you leave it out, and highlight all good characteristics, hoping someone fancies you, and then (when?) dump the ‘Oh, but there's a small problem, I've been sick for a couple of years and don't have any energy. Meaning - no dining at restaurants, no taking me out dancing, no going to movies, no walks in the park, and no going on holidays at all; just crashing in front of the TV at home with me laying on the couch trying to stay awake and focus on the conversation. And when I get too tired I'll probably kick you out and go to sleep.’
“Also,” adds C.B., “it’s hard for me to date online safely because of my illness. Rule No. 1 for online dating [and C.B. is right here] is never meet someone at your house for the first time. But trying a cafe/terrace/drinks/lunch instead is not going to happen for me, though, because I’m too tired to leave home.”
Shannon G., a 21-year-old paraplegic from Michigan, is upfront right away about her “situation.” “I’m completely open with my description, explaining that I’m in a chair from an automobile accident and I post pictures of me in my chair,” she says. “I like to be completely honest about that, otherwise it would probably be very uncomfortable meeting him if he had no idea!”
“I also show pictures of me still having fun, proving the point that just because I’m in a chair I’m not boring.” As to her advice for the initial contact, Shannon says “for the first date I go someplace public and maybe a movie. There was a time when a guy actually tried getting in my pants the first time meeting! I was like, “Um, NO!” I don’t know if they think that just because I’m in a chair it means I'm desperate or what?!”
Rybread, a 30-year-old quad from Scottsdale, Arizona, uses humor to help the ladies see him for him, and not his disability: “Just so there are no surprises, I'll let you know right now that I'm in a wheelchair as a C5 quadriplegic. That doesn't mean that I'm mentally deficient and drool all over the place (at least not all the time) or that I can't do some things on my own (I'm pretty good at picking my own nose). I have decent function in my arms, although it's not perfect, but I more than make up for lacking my sense of feeling with a sense of humor (and the fact that I have a 6 inch tongue and can breathe through my ears... LOL).”
I’m with Rybread – I truly believe that humor is the best way to disclose your disability, if at all possible.
And for Curt Leatherbee, a 49-year-old paraplegic from Portsmouth, Rhode Island, he keeps it simple. “I’m a disabled-athletic type of guy. I workout often and going for a 35 mile handcycle ride is not uncommon for me,” he says in his profile. I like how he goes for the whole, “I’m still active despite this chair” explanation, which I think is a fantastic way to go about disclosing.
In short, I think being upfront about your disability in a witty, “I’m still active” manner is your best bet. And just so you know, be wary of anyone who hits you with multiple questions regarding your disability when you first meet. That’s a glaring red flag that, I’m sorry to say, usually means they’re probably never going to be ok with your disability. Recommended Disabled and Non-Disabled Dating Sites:
Tiffiny Carlson, 28 years of age, is a resident of the fair city of Minneapolis, Minnesota and is a C6 quad. She’s been navigating the online dating scene from the view of her wheelchair since 1994. And yes, she has yet to find the “one,” but she refuses to give up her search.
January 22, 2008 springflowers said:
what about the safety factor in revealing your disability online? i'm afraid to because, being a female, i don't want anyone to think i'm easy bait......
January 23, 2008 abaston said:
it is hardest to find perfect woman in my life. i hope get one in this year. check out my webpage www.myspace.com/abaston
February 2, 2008 GregH said:
I like to e-m as much as possible to find out about the female. I can tell when it's good to say I had a CVA. More later.
February 4, 2008 Ravenwise said:
When I've met people online I've been open straight away and as a result met and married a wonderful woman. If you're interested in a relationship you want to be as honest as possible...
February 7, 2008 k9sar said:
When talking to my PTSD counselor about relationships was to wait and see if we could communicate and talk first and then reveal my disability. I was on a dating service and revealed my disability in my bio and was a victim of a scam. Really put me off of online dating. I have been out of the dating/relationship scene for quite some time and this person was just so accepting that she had my heart right away and that was the idea. Be careful online dating.
Paul
February 15, 2008 Tiffiny said:
hey everyone,
thank you so much for thoughtful responses to my article. dating online and being safe is a good question. i've always followed these following rules and have always been AOK: 1) never give out your full name or where you work. 2) meet in a public place ALWAYS. 3) call from a pay phone when u first talk so they dont know your number.
February 19, 2008 BeautifulDisaster said:
I met my boyfriend 5 years ago in a chat room. Believe it or not our first conversation was theorizing about how penguins get up when they fall down. Our odd sense of humor matched perfectly and we talked as friends for several months before I confessed I had been crushing hard on him. I had disclosed my disability (without much detail) during our friendship period. After a couple short months he confessed of daydreams of marrying me and the room began to spin with happiness. it was then that I realized this was some serious stuff I was dealing with. I was in love with him he was in love with me and I was scared to death to reveal the depth of my disability. I took a deep breath and started the conversation trusting that I really knew this man and his love for me. I explained my disability calmly & simply so he could understand and wouldn't be scared away by large medical terms. He was amazingly sensitive, tender and loving. He even cried he was so touched that I trusted him enough to lay my heart out like that. He understood the vulnerable position I had chosen to put myself in. To this day that conversation remains on both our lists as one of our top favorite moments. Odd to think that could be a favorite moment but the bond that formed between us that night has gone deeper then any commitment I have ever known.
my suggestion: always be open and honest but in the beginning don't give them the entire play by play detail of you disability. This can be overwhelming and intimidating for a budding relationship. However, early in the relationship around the 3 or 4 month mark do calmy and simple explain your disability to them. Try to anticipate their questions cause they'll feel awkward asking you at first. Try to explain what your disability may mean for them and your relationship. The most important part is being comfortable with your disability yourself. Your partner will feel your comfort and naturally relax and feel more comfortable.
Excellent article!
February 25, 2008 kasted said:
Being open right from the get go, is the only approach. Any other way is deceptive. You don't want to get excited about someone who winds up being disappointed when you meet. How would their disappointment make you feel?
