Dating & Relationships

Disability and Orgasm: Your Orgasmic Potential

Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., M.S.Ed. — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:37:00 GMT

Orgasmic and disability: how many times have you heard those two words in the same sentence? Chances are: never. Yet research is challenging us, astounding those both with and without a disability and not just in linking the two experiences. Studies spanning the decades have continually found that people suffering from chronic health conditions do in fact experience sexual peaks similar to those they experienced pre-injury or illness.

So what are people with chronic conditions reporting? And how can you embark upon the journey of exploring your own orgasmic potential?

Pleasure-Pain Continuum
Men and women with spinal cord injury have said that the skin near their injury is hypersensitive to touch. Often painful and intensely aversive when touched, these sensations can become pleasant when stimulated the right way with the right lover. This is because pain-pleasure receptors are located next to one another throughout the body, often firing at the same time. Whether accidentally or through a conscious effort, some people are able to trump the pain with pleasure. In some cases these sensations become orgasmic sensations that feel as if they’re coming from the genitals.

Hypersensitive Areas
Your body is covered with erogenous zones, and every person is unique in what gets him or her sexually aroused. Those with nerve injuries can have sensations, including orgasm, in other areas of the body. Women with spinal cord injury have reported orgasm from stimulation of their breasts, nipples, neck, mouth/lips, and ears.

One classic example oft cited in the literature is a woman with complete spinal cord injury at the upper thoracic level who claimed orgasm from stimulation of the skin on her neck, where she was hypersensitive. In confirming this in the lab, researchers found that when a vibrator was placed on her neck-shoulder junction, her heart rate and blood pressure increased markedly. She further reported experiencing orgasm accompanied by a tingling sensation in her vagina.

His Erection
The effects on erection in a male with spinal cord injury are dependent upon the location and completeness of injury. In higher-level spinal cord injuries, men tend to get reflex erections. Having little to do with arousal, these erections are elicited reflexively via the parasympathetic nerves by direct stimulation of the penis. This is because the nerves that carry impulses between the spinal cord and genitals aren’t themselves damaged by injury. The man will not, however, be able to feel the stimulation since the impulses produced by direct penile stimulation cannot reach the brain. This is not to say, however, that he cannot enjoy his erectile response.

“Phantom” Orgasms
Phantom, or “paraorgasm,” orgasms have also been reported in those with spinal cord injury. Criticized for being misnamed – since these are indeed real orgasmic experiences – such a reaction happens through the reassignment of sexual response to areas of the body that are unaffected by the injury. In other cases, it can occur by, automatically or purposefully, mentally intensifying a sensation of the body that is neurologically intact and reassigning the sensation to the genitals. Despite a lack of genital sensation, men have reported experiencing the climax as one of the genitals.

So given the promise of these research findings, what can you do in realizing your own orgasmic potential?

Think outside the box. The biggest mistake a person with a disability and their lovers can make is to think that there’s only one “right” way to have sex and enjoy it. There are a plethora of sexual behaviors for lovers to explore, including different positions, yoga and Tantric sex, bondage play, sexual enhancement products, etc. Use this as a time to reinvent your sex life, to expand your sexual repertoire, and to discover the different ways that you can mentally and physically stimulate yourself and your partner.

Own your sex life via oral sex. Cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman) and fellatio (oral sex on a man) are ideal for those with disabilities and for a number of reasons. These incredibly exciting sex acts can help lovers to get around issues with low energy, spasticity, lubrication, difficult penetration, and positioning needs. Giving and receiving oral sex is a positive step toward reclaiming your self life, ability to pleasure another, and ability to accept loving attention from your lover.

Think your way to the “Big O.” While orgasm characteristically results from genital stimulation, other types of sensory, non-genital stimuli can generate climax as well. These include documented cases of women who can think their way to orgasm (women have a much easier time doing this than men). Their bodily reactions are like those of an orgasm, with their heart rate doubling.

When it comes to “thinking off,” it’s important to remember that – male or female - your brain is your biggest sex organ. Given the right erotic stimuli, anyone has the potential to work themself into a climactic high. Case in point: one woman experienced multiple orgasms despite the removal of her clitoris and vagina from cancer.

Get turned on by your erection. Many men with a disability have learned to tune into cues that they’re aroused, e.g., goosebumps or hard nipples. On the occasion that you experience a reflex orgasm, capitalize on this experience, inviting those other responses. Enjoy seeing yourself standing at attention, allowing yourself to feel sexy while your imagination runs wild. Share your experience with your partner, and get creative in the ways you can seize the moment. If intercourse is desired, lovers should work to keep the penile stimulation going long enough for penetration and movement.

Explore, explore, explore. Having a disability should not be seen as disabling to your sex life since there are plenty of things you can do. In finding out what works for you both mechanically and sensually, couples can have loads of fun experimenting with different sex toys, reading books and watching videos on sex, using various pieces of furniture or bedroom adventure gear for added support, having sex in different rooms of the house, engaging in fantasy role playing, having sex online, etc.

Women with spinal cord injury who do experience orgasm tend to have a higher sex drive and greater sex knowledge than those who don’t. This is important to keep in mind as you challenge yourself to be more informed, pushing your own sexual boundaries in making better use of your senses and discovering previously ignored hot spots.

You are a sexual person, full of orgasmic pleasure. In maintaining your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being for life, it is important to consider the plethora of ways you can be sexual – and all of the different ways you may still prove to be orgasmic.

Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:37:00 GMT

Getting out of an abusive relationship can be difficult. Both logistical concerns and your emotional ties to your abuser can be obstacles. Once you've accepted the need to leave your abuser, it is important to enlist the help of others. While you may feel embarrassed to be in this situation, you shouldn't. Abuse is never your fault.

The benefits of telling friends or family, even if they are not local to you and your situation, about your plan to leave your abuser are many. First, they will offer valuable emotional support and encouragement and remind you that you are loved and valued. Second, they can help you overcome obstacles that might otherwise prolong your time with your abuser. These include concerns about where to go when you leave your abuser, financial issues, worries over the safety of pets and the seemingly massive task of moving. Having a support system in place when you leave your abuser will help you to feel safe in a turbulent time.

When leaving an abuser, you must consider your own safety first and foremost. Plan your departure in a manner that ensures your safety. Be sure never to be alone with your abuser once it is known you are leaving. If necessary, leave the living situation when your abuser is at work, traveling or with friends. If you have only a short window of time, take what is essential and valuable only, and then work out getting the rest of your things later -- but only with an escort. If you have pets you need to shield from being left with your abuser, see if you can take them to a friend's house or temporarily board them with your vet. If you are going to a domestic violence shelter, pets usually aren't allowed, so you should be prepared to make arrangements for them in advance.

Remember that your medical practitioners can be valuable resources as you leave your abuser. Doctor-patient confidentiality means they can't tell your abuser anything about your plans, and because domestic violence is also a medical concern, they can help you find the resources you need to get out. When you leave, make sure your abuser does not follow you or otherwise obtain information about where you are going when you leave. Recognize that your abuser may be familiar with your habits and workplace and you should be prepared to call for help should your abuser confront you inappropriately. Many organizations for those leaving abusive situations provide free cell phones that will allow you to call 911 in an emergency.

When you leave your abusive situation, make sure to take copies of all relevant financial paperwork with you, especially if you do not have sole control over your own finances, a common problem in abusive situations. Remember to take all identity paperwork such as birth certificate, passport, Social Security card and naturalization papers with you as well. You do not want to leave your abuser anything to bargain with for your return. Realize you won't be able to plan everything perfectly for leaving your abuser, especially since, for your safety, you don't want your abuser knowing you are planning to leave. If you wait until you have solved every possible logistical problem, you are unlikely to leave. Do not use the difficulty of leaving an abuser as your excuse to stay.

Contact a domestic violence help center as part of this process, either as you are planning to leave your abusive relationship or immediately after you do so. They can provide you with additional safety advice, legal information and possible assistance with housing, work and other matters. Additionally, be sure to contact your disability-related community center to see what resources they can provide you. Of course, all abusive situations do not necessarily involve cohabitation. Leaving these sorts of abusive relationships can be just as challenging. Here, the main goal is to cut off communication and access, which may mean changing your locks or your telephone number. In both situations, you should consider a restraining order as a preemptive measure against your abuser continuing to threaten you. Domestic violence hot-lines and victim services units at your local police department should be able to help you in this regard.

Leaving an abusive relationship is always difficult, and often requires navigating the offerings of many different support organizations. As a person living with a disability you may find yourself having to educate domestic violence organizations about accommodating your needs as a person with disabilities trying to extricate themselves from an abusive situation. While this can be exhausting, in both cases it is important to ask for what you need. If necessary, save yourself some aggravation during this trying time by putting your local disability advocacy group in touch with whatever domestic violence group, shelter or hotline you are working with. Together, they will help you make a fresh start.

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FOXSexpert: Can Disabled Be Sexy? You Bet!

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:53:00 GMT

An issue affecting many is finally getting the attention it deserves. Last week, the Center for Excellence in Sexual Health at Morehouse School of Medicine in Atlanta hosted a conference titled "Wounded Troops and Partners: Supporting Intimate Relationships." With former Surgeon Generals Dr. David Satcher and Dr. Richard Carmona among the speakers, as well as former Senator Bob Dole, this effort is a glimmer of hope that America is finally ready to deal with the issue of sex and disability.

When most people think "sexy," they don't think disabled. Yet people with disabilities can be very sexual -- much more than we give them credit for. Consider, for example, that some women with complete spinal cord injury experience orgasm. Research by Barry Komisaruk, Beverly Whipple (The Science of Orgasm) and colleagues has shown that these women respond to vaginal or cervical self-stimulation because they could perceive it, with some reporting an orgasmic response. When I was working on my Master's degree in human sexuality, my class watched an old video from the 1970s exemplifying that people with disabilities can indeed be sexually active. In the video, a man was paralyzed from the neck down. Yet, despite his condition, he was able to bring his able-bodied partner to climax.

All it required was some movement on her part and his talented tongue. And as I listened to her moan -- and then scream -- her way into bliss, I remember being struck by the fact that she had just experienced what many women with non-disabled lovers do not. I remember thinking that the loving exchange I had just witnessed was more beautiful than most depictions of sex we normally see. I share this because, as many of my colleagues have called for, we need to rethink the way we view sex – what and who is sexy. You or your partner may not be disabled -- or may not have a chronic illness -- but that day may come. Even if you can't identify with missing a limb, being bed-ridden, or being having a brain injury, you could one day find yourself struggling with how to maintain a sex life in spite of back pain, spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis, chronic fatigue, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy....

When it comes to sex and disability, the truth hurts. Yet we need to examine some harsh attitudes before we can challenge them. The following are societal attitudes that all of us need to set out to change:

1. People with disabilities aren't sexual beings.
In many ways, that man in the aforementioned video was sexier to me than a lot of "hunks" we see depicted in magazines like Playgirl. He was expressing his sexuality, he was lost in the moment, and he was confident. Nothing was going to hold him back. At the end of the day, his oral fixation, and its results, were no different from anyone else's. Yet we tend to think that people with disabilities are different. Worse, if somebody is being treated like a child -- as in can't feed himself or can't wipe herself -- then we can't see that person as sexy. Let's not forget, people with disabilities have bodies, brains, feelings, libido ... all of which make them incredibly sexual beings.

2. People with disabilities are undesirable.
Between the planning, patience, communication, and emotional support required, people who have a disability are labeled a burden when it comes to sex. Furthermore, society holds that if you can't perform a certain way in the sack, then you're no good. This is supposedly true even if you're perfectly "abled." Humans go to great lengths when they love someone to make things happen -- to express that love and realize its full potential. Nobody or nothing is considered a burden when you want it badly enough. It's well worth the effort.

3. Good sex can only be spontaneous.
If you can't have sex on the fly -- if it requires planning and taking your time -- then your sex life is chalked up as bad, according to our society. Try telling that to a Tantric sex practitioner, right? Good sex comes in all forms -- and many will tell you that spontaneity can become overrated.

4. People with disabilities can't have 'real' sex.
People are stuck on this notion that sex can be "true" sex only if it involves certain positions or maneuvers. Related to this is the idea that non-vaginal forms of sexual intimacy, like oral sex or masturbation, are not as good as the "real" thing. What makes for real sex is often based on our preferences, values, and attitudes. For some it might be that they actually made love or that they felt present or that it had a certain outcome.... You create your own sexual experience, so don't let anyone dictate what qualifies as intimacy for you.

5. People with disabilities shouldn't worry about sex.
The societal attitude is: why fret over your sex life when you have bigger things to worry about? Sex is a luxury one with a disability cannot afford. Guess what? Sex is important to almost everyone, no matter what your condition. Almost everyone worries about sex at one point or another since we're all sexual beings. Having a disability doesn't trump that.

6. People with disabilities aren't sexually adventurous (or if they are, they're perverted).
It's unfair to expect someone with a disability to be sexually passive. This person can desire, initiate, and thrive in the moment. People with disabilities enjoy sadomasochism, Tantric sex, sex toys... everything that an "abled" person does, and perhaps even more! Many of them have learned that your brain is indeed your biggest sex organ. And they like to keep it turned on!

7. People with disabilities shouldn't have sex.
If you're bedridden or need assistance moving around, society seems to think that you should be celibate. The lack of privacy is the biggest indicator of the disrespect we have for the sexual needs of those with a disability. A hospice, for example, may have no locks on the doors, or a nursing home may require that doors be open at all times. What's great is that some people with a disability will still try to get a little bit of lovin', no matter what the consequences are. They should be applauded instead of shamed for their efforts.

Honoring one's sexual self is an important component to healing and coping, whether we are treating a hero home from war or somebody recovering from a major car accident. It cannot be ignored. It should not be discouraged. Their fight for sexual acknowledgment is everyone's fight. We can only become sexually healthier for it.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."

Article Used with Permission from Fox News

Resources for People with Disabilities in an Abusive Relationship

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:46:00 GMT

Despite the fact that people with disabilities are more likely to experience domestic violence (and those who do are more likely to experience the abuse for a longer duration before being able to get out of the relationship), there are almost no organizations dedicated exclusively to helping people with disabilities who are in an abusive relationship.

Luckily, the need to address abuse issues in the disability community is known, and national domestic violence organizations and national disability advocacy groups offer significant resources related to abusive relationships and people with disabilities.

Accessing Safety is the main organization dedicated to the specific needs of people with disabilities who are experiencing domestic violence. Accessing Safety's goal is to help educate both disability and domestic violence organizations on how to meet the needs of people with disabilities who are experiencing domestic violence. They have an excellent resource list.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides a range of programs and resources for people who experience domestic violence. These include immediate need resources such as safety plans and information on leaving an abuser safely to programs designed to give those who have experienced domestic abuse a new start. These include programs that focus on financial education and programs that provide plastic surgery to those who have experienced long-term alteration of their appearance due to an abusive relationship. While the NCADV does not have any programs specifically geared towards people with disabilities, they are experienced in working with members of the disability community who have experienced domestic violence.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 for people using TTY services, is one such critical resource. Their services include direction to local resources appropriate to your needs as well as crisis intervention and safety planning. They are experienced in outreach to people with disabilities dealing with abuse situations and can also be reached via email.

The Family Violence Prevention Fund, while not having specific content on people with disabilities, has detailed, clear information on forming plans for your personal safety at home and at work if you are involved with an abuser. Useful and clear, the FVPF recognizes that everyone may not be ready to leave their abuser yet, but still deserves personal safety.

While SafePlace is not a national organization (they are local to Austin, TX), it does focus on helping people experiencing abusive relationships and has programs specifically targeted as people living with disabilities. They may be a good resource for finding other local domestic violence resources that particularly understand the needs of people with disabilities.

Disability organizations with experience and awareness on domestic violence issues include the United Spinal Association which has written about domestic violence amongst people with disabilities in their magazine.

While any and all of these organizations can help people with disabilities who are experiencing violence in their marriages or other relationships, they do highlight the potential need for domestic violence resources that specifically target the unique needs and concerns of people with disabilities.

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Have a New Partner? The Best Ways to Disclose Embarrassing Things

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:55:00 GMT

One of the most frustrating things about having a disability can be the “extra” stuff you have to deal with, especially regarding your bowel, bladder, and other things you’d rather not have to mention. Let’s face it: this is stuff you’d rather not talk about with anybody - least of all a new romantic partner. But if you’re going to get intimate with someone, you can’t keep everything hidden (they’re going to be seeing you naked after all).

So here’s the deal: there are ways to make the “disclosure” session a little bit easier. There are usually questions people ask themselves when they’re in this situation: When do I tell them ... right away, or not until right before we have sex? Should I put it all out there, graphic and everything, or should I tone it down? I have been in this situation a few times and have found through trial and error that some ways are better than others to finally tell your partner things that may be embarrassing regarding your disability.

With that said here are two situations, each with a suggested solution for dealing with it, to help you along the sometimes rocky path of disclosure.

You have a Super Pubic catheter, a Foley catheter, or a Colostomy bag (or some other kind of permanent fixture on your body to aid with your bowel or bladder care):

Okay, this can be one of the toughest things to talk about. I have found that the best way to disclose this “bombshell” is to do it early, in the “getting to know you” portion of your developing relationship. You might as well let them know right away; that way they can decide right then and there if it’s something they can deal with or not. Why waste your time or theirs?

The truth of the matter is that some people won’t be able to handle this kind of information. So before you get your heart involved, why not know right away instead of risking major hurt feelings a few months down the road? I know the argument against this advice is that it’s not fair to the disabled counterpart and that if the non-disabled person had an opportunity to know you better, he or she might not care what kind of plastic accoutrements are attached to you.

I hear you on this argument, I really do. But at the end of the day, I honestly don’t think it’s a very good plan. Just think about it. When a person is stalling, waiting for the right time to tell the new love interest, your nerves get all wound up in a ball, wondering if that person will reject you the instant s/he finds out. Why put yourself through that? Tell them by the third date, and you’ll be able to actually sleep at night.

You need help from either your partner or your PCA to undress, get in bed, and position yourself:

Okay, this piece of info isn’t quite so inflammatory; you don’t need to share it right away. I even think it’s okay to wait until the first night you two sleep together, because, it’s just “help,” you know? By the same token, however, you should tell him eventually. It’s a little too abrupt to say, “Okay, my PCA is here. You’re going to need to leave the room for a few minutes!” That would just be terribly confusing for the able-bodied counterpart.

Sharing information regarding your disability - particularly things that may be embarrassing to you - is never going to be easy. But, my friends, it must be done. With some careful thought beforehand, you should be able to tell them without negative consequences. Best of luck!

Relationship Stress and Your Immune System

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:41:00 GMT

Stress can basically be defined as being "forces from outside our bodies that cause our hearts to beat faster, our blood pressure to rise, and our muscles to become tense." People who are under stress are usually grumpy, and may even be mentally depressed. A certain amount of stress in our lives is good for us. It's called "positive stress." It helps us jump out of bed in the morning and quickly get ready for work when we've overslept and are afraid of being late. It can also inspire us to spruce ourselves up and pay more attention to our mates when an attractive blonde moves in next door. Some stress in a relationship is healthy and good. But too much stress affects our immune system function in adverse ways, especially if you already have a disability.

Too Much Stress in Marital Relationships Slows the Healing Process
According to a study performed by The Ohio State University Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research, the relationship stress that results from having just a 30-minute argument with your spouse will slow down your immune system so much that it delays the healing process by one day. Researchers reached this conclusion after they studied and tested 42 married couples who had been together a little over a decade.

Basically, on the first trip to the lab, tiny blisters were made on the couples' arms. Each person then was instructed to talk about their mate and what characteristic their mate has that they would like to change. The session was calm and optimistic, and the relationship stress was low. The research team monitored the blisters to see how quickly they healed.

On the second trip to the lab, additional blisters were made. This time, instead of chatting positively, the spouses were instructed to talk about a subject they and their mates strongly disagreed on. Again, the time it took for the blisters to heal was tracked. The results showed the blisters on the antagonistic married couples who experienced higher levels of relationship stress healed slower than the couples who displayed less animosity.

Feelings of Insecurity in Close Relationships May Suppress Immune System Function
Another study performed by Dr. Angelo Picardi from the Italian National Institute of Health in Rome and his team found that women who are insecure about their close relationships have suppressed immune system functions.

Specifically, Dr. Picardi and his team studied "attachment insecurity" and its effect on adult females' immune system functions. The symptoms of this trait include difficulty with trusting and depending on other people, even though there are deep emotional attachments to them. These same women had problems dealing with close relationships. They worried that the people they loved would terminate their relationships.

Basically, 61 physically-fit females were studied. The women who experienced problems with developing close, trusting relationships exhibited signs that their immune system functions were weaker than normal. Lab tests showed that the "killer" cells in these females' immune systems were less effective than the women's systems who didn't exhibit problems with insecurity.

The test results agreed with other determinations that chronic stress hinders your immune system function. Still, Dr. Picardi was reluctant to say for sure that people who suffer from chronic stress are more prone to getting diseases.

However, the research did indicate a correlation between attachment insecurity and two immune system disorders that affect a person's skin: Plaque Psoriasis causes red, inflamed patches to appear on a person's skin. The patches are covered with scales. Alopecia Areata is a skin condition that causes round, bald patches to appear on a person's body, most often on the scalp. Research shows that both conditions are caused by disorders in the immune system function.

Sources:
http://medicine.osu.edu/ibmr/
http://www.abc.net.au
http://www.world-science.net/

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Fibromyalgia and Sex

Kara Hash — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:19:00 GMT

It's been a long, exhausting day. You had to work your normal job, then come home and cook, then do the dishes. It's only 9 p.m., but you feel like it's 4 in the morning and you're ready to fall over. Suddenly your spouse looks at you in that way and smiles and strokes your arm, and you know they want to make love, but all you can do is stare at them in shock. Don't they know how you feel?

If this sounds like a page out of your life, you're not alone.

All that said, we all know that sex is key to a good relationship. So how do you work sex in with all the pain and the other things that fibro people have to deal with, on top of regular daily life? Well, I'd say "carefully," but that's a bit of a cliche. Plus, it's not as correct as the other word I'm thinking of.

Gently
It doesn't hurt to remember that making love doesn't always have to equal intercourse. If you absolutely can't handle it, and your partner is rarin' to go, you can help them manually achieve orgasm while kissing and caressing them - this may seem awkward at first, but the intimacy of it will help to bring you closer together and as a bonus, the partner who wants the orgasm gets one while the exhausted and sore partner gets to enjoy being close while not having to expend too much energy.

If your partner doesn't want that because they don't feel right about it, or because they prefer intercourse, then you might need to put it off at that point - but there are a few positions that are easier on the sore body - a few pillows in the right place can make all the difference, too. Something recommended to me that I have found is *very* helpful is to put a few pillows beneath my hips when I am in the missionary position. The soft pillows help absorb the impact, help the angle of my partner's thrusts, and make things all around more pleasurable. Experiment with pillows to see what helps you.

Timing is often everything, too
After a hard day's work, the last thing you might feel like doing is having sex - but perhaps if you sit on the couch and talk to your partner, connect and vent and share what went on during your day, you might feel better and more like a little nookie before dinner. Because certainly, if you are cooking, after you've spent your energy preparing dinner, you may not have the energy for sex later. If you're fortunate enough to have a partner who cooks, however, after dinner might be a better option for you.

It may seem silly to put off sex until the weekend, but if you're having a particularly rough flare, that may be the best thing for you. Certainly, putting off things until you can both take your time and be gentle with each other is better than trying to fit sex into an evening when you may be tired, cranky from work, or simply acquiescing to please your partner. Making sex into an event- a date, a time for you and your partner to be with each other and have special time for each other- can also renew your interest in each other and give your relationship a boost.

This may be something you've considered, but be patient with your partner. They are dealing with your disease as much as you are - and as much as the ever - changing winds of fibro blow you off balance, so does it blow your partner off balance. Something as simple as taking the time to make a special dinner and "sex date" with them might seem silly - but it can mean the world to a partner who is feeling the strain of having their desires thwarted time and again by the whims of fibromyalgia.

Above all else - Communicate!
If you don't tell your partner you're tired and hurting, they'll never know. If you reject their advances without explaining in a kind voice that you're utterly BEAT from work, they're going to be hurt and confused, and probably more than a little angry. That kind of thing can lead to a fight later - and trust me, it'll be over the dumbest thing, and neither of you will realize you're fighting over the rejected advance until it's far too late. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep status updates coming, because you have to. They are as crucial to your relationship as the sex you're trying to have. :)

Finally - Don't give up
It might feel like you're never going to want to have sex ever again- but that's the fibro talking, not you. Lust strikes at the oddest moment (just pray the in-laws aren't visiting when you start feeling frisky - and knowing Murphy, they will be!), and you'll feel it again. And when you do, take advantage of it, and enjoy it.

Identifying an Abusive Relationship

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:45:00 GMT

Abusive relationships can take many forms, both in the nature of the abuse and in the nature of the relationship.

An abusive relationship can happen just as readily between caregivers and clients as it can between parents and children, siblings, friends and, of course, in the more often recognized romantic context.

Top signs of an abusive relationship fall into three categories: physical, verbal and logistical; and those living with a disability can face types of abuse unique to their situation.

Physical
Physical violence as a sign of an abusive relationship seems obvious. An abuser hits, scratches or burns. But, for a person living with a disability, an abuser may also withhold medication or pain treatment. Conversely, an abuser may intentionally alter medication doses to put your health at risk or control your functionality.

Verbal
Verbal abuse can be particularly insidious. This type of abuse involves not just insults and disparaging comments, but systematic remarks designed to make you question your self-worth, intelligence and abilities. Threats of violence from the abuser towards the target and the target's family, friends or pets are also a common warning sign. Finally, some abusers will threaten to harm themselves should the target of the abuse try to get out of the situation.

Logistical
Abusive relationships are often marked by extreme control on the part of the abuser. This can include isolating the target of abuse from family and friends, monitoring the actions and communications of the abuse target via cell phone, Internet and in-person following. Setting up impossible tasks or goals for the target of the abuse is also a common strategy for an abuser who may try to justify their abuse by saying it was a necessary response to failure.

It is important to remember that all types of abuse are wrong and dangerous, that abuse can happen to people of any gender, and that abuse can easily escalate. People living with disabilities must be particularly aware of inappropriate control being exerted by partners or caregivers and not accept isolation tactics from abusers because of the disability they live with.

If you are concerned you are in an abusive relationship, ask yourself these 10 questions:

1. Does this person deny me privacy? Are they suspicious of my actions? Do they frequently accuse me of betraying them in some way?

2. Does this person discourage, prevent or forbid me from contacting my family or friends?

3. Does this person control my medication or other health issues in a manner that is unnecessary and causes me discomfort?

4. Does this person encourage me to be dependent on them and then use that against me?

5. Does this person insult me or threaten me?

6. When I complain about this person's behavior, am I told that I deserve it?

7. Has the behavior gotten worse over time?

8. Does this person prevent me from controlling my own finances?

9. Have I ever been hit, pinched, kicked, scratched, scalded or otherwise physically harmed?

10. Do I feel unsafe?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, there are issues in your relationship that need immediate addressing and you may already be facing abuse that can escalate over time. It is important to discuss your concerns with a trusted friend, medical practitioner, counselor or abuse help-line.

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Are You Being an Abuser?

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:19:00 GMT

Abusive behavior in a relationship has many markers including physical violence, insults, threats, spying and financial and logistical control that isolates the abused from their family and friends. There are many myths about domestic violence, including that it can't be perpetrated by a woman, a person with a disability, someone in a gay relationship or anyone else wrongly label as weak or more likely to be victimized themselves. The sad fact is that just as anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, anyone can also be a perpetrator.

Signs that you're an abuser include, but are not limited to:

Punching, pushing, kicking, slapping, scratching or otherwise physically harming the person you are in a relationship with.
Making threats against the person you are in a relationship with or their friends, family, pets, property or even yourself.
Insulting the person you are in a relationship with. This includes telling them they deserve any abusive behavior you might engage in.
Preventing the person you are with from socializing or communicating with friends or family.
Controlling the financial resources of the person you are with.
Withholding medication or other necessaries from the person you are with.
Following the person you are with or otherwise spying on their activities.
Engaging in sexual behavior without appropriate consent.

If you think you might be an abuser, get help! You don't have to treat people you care about this way and can learn to have healthier relationships.

Because there are many different reasons people are abusers including having experienced abuse themselves, needing to exert control over an uncontrollable world or abuse of drugs and alcohol (to name just a few), approaches for addressing and treating abusive behavior may different. What's key is getting to the root of the problem with a trained professional.

Finding the right therapist, social worker or counselor to help you address your abuse issues can be challenging. It is important to have initial discussions with several counselors to find the one that is right for you.

You will want to ask questions about their strategy for addressing these issues as well as their past experience working both with abusers and people living with disabilities. You will want to gauge their listening skills, curiosity and whether they communicate in a way you're receptive to. You may also want to inquire as to whether they do couples counseling so that you can also work with your partner to address your abuse issues.

If alcohol or drugs figures into your abuse situation, it is also important to inquire about their experience in these areas.

To find the appropriate mental health professional for you, try getting referrals from your general health practitioner, local disability resource group, church, other community organizations or Web sites such as Find-a-Therapist.com, TherapistLocator.net, FindCounseling.com and the practitioner directory at PsychologyToday.com.

Acknowledging that you may be an abuser is an important first step towards correcting your behavior and treating the people you care about with concern and respect, but it's not enough. The things that cause people to be abusive are often deep-rooted and complex and you should feel pride and not shame in choosing to get help to improve the health of your relationship.

See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Disaboom
See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Associated Content

Have a Disability? Don’t Think You Can Only Date a Certain Type

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:37:00 GMT

As a person with a disability - no matter what that disability is - it’s easy to think you’re allowed to only date a certain type of person. “I’m damaged goods,” you think. Not so fast. I’ve been a quadriplegic AND a serial dater the past 11 years (talk about a screwed-up combo), and I’ve learned that the perfect “type” of person for a person with a disability doesn’t exist. There’s isn’t just one particular “type” of person that will accept you.

Here are some very wrong, yet popular, misconceived “types” of people that folks with disabilities think they should solely go for:

• “The Other Disabled Person” type: This is the most common “type” people with disabilities think they’re relegated to. We figure they’ll be able not only to accept us the most freely, but they’ll be able to relate to us better than anyone else can.

• “The Caregiver” type: If you’re a guy, you might try to woo your PCA, nurse, or doctor. As a woman, you may search for the “knight in shining armor” type of guy who’s obsessed with helping ladies in dire situations.

• “The Ugly/Loser/Extremely old/Overweight” type: You figure you’re only allowed to scrape at the bottom of the barrel. You seriously think the worst of the worst are the only people who would want to date a person with a disability.

The good news? All of these “types” are wrong. In fact (if you can), steer far, far away from people with these qualities. I can tell you from personal experience that for various reasons, these types usually won’t work long term.

My road to this realization was long and arduous. In the beginning of my dating life, I thought I should only date guys who used wheelchairs. “They can relate to me like no other guy can,” I thought. After dating two guys who used chairs, lo and behold, I realized I was wrong. It wasn’t that these guys were 100 percent wrong for me; I just started to see that physically, it was insufferable. We couldn’t easily be intimate and intercourse - as least with the guys I dated - was impossible.

So off I went, continuing my search for the perfect “type.” I pondered the wealth of men in my land and came to the conclusion that if guys who used wheelchairs weren’t working for me, then I should go for able-bodied guys who were unattractive, fat, ugly, whatever, but successful. I thought that that “type” would be perfect for me not only because he would think of himself as incredibly lucky (“Dude, I finally scored a hot chick!”), but because of that, he’d stay with me for the long haul.

There’s the presumption among most women that overly attractive men - while they’re fantastic eye candy - make awful significant others. They know they’re cute and are, therefore, pompous, more apt to cheat, and generally have overblown egos and look at women as something to merely conquer (the more the better). So I always thought that the cute and sexy men were the last type I should go for, hence my chasing of overweight, unattractive able-bodied guys. And so it went, I dated three consecutive men who fit this particular unattractive “type.”

Once again, I was proven wrong. Our sex lives suffered because I wasn’t attracted to them. I truly believe that mental attraction alone isn’t enough to carry a relationship. There has to be some kind of physical attraction as well. So whether I was with one of these “types” for four years or four months, they all ended badly. Soon I realized that fat, unattractive AB men weren’t a sure thing.

In the last three years I’ve dated a wide variety of AB men, ranging from extremely hot and successful men, to dark and debonair, in-shape guys, to geeky gamers, to lawyers and world renowned writers (okay, sort of world renowned).

The moral of the story? I was wrong more times than I can count over the past decade on my quest for the perfect “type.” If you’re disabled, all you really need too look for is someone with an open mind. That’s it. And yes, a WIDE variety of people can have an open mind. You’ll be surprised at all the different “types” of people who will/could be okay with your disability.

Read more
Believe in yourself, see How to Be a Confident Date.

If your trying to understand why we're attracted to certain people, see What Really Attracts Us to Each Other?

Check out Ten Tips for a Romantic, Accessible Date for ideas on planning your next date.

Maintaining a Relationship After Disability

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 22:14:00 GMT

When you enter a relationship and even more so when you say your wedding vows, there is a huge level of commitment. Commitment in a relationship is on many different levels and holds different meaning to different people. One of the most beautiful aspects of a committed relationship is the love that you share with one another.

What do you do though if disability strikes? How do you navigate your relationship and hold together the love that you have when disability strikes? These are questions are very important and not always easy to answer. Yet, the amount of commitment you have and how you navigate your relationship when disability strikes will help to hold the relationship together and keep the love alive.

Do Not Place Blame
Placing blame in a relationship is not healthy. There are many situations that are simply beyond our control and there really is no-one to blame. When disability strikes your relationship, you cannot blame yourself or your partner. Placing blame will cause resentment, frustration and at times even anger. These types of feelings will not help get through a situation or to make new lifestyle changes but only create a bad atmosphere in the relationship.

Become Involved in Lifestyle Changes
Often, when disability strikes a relationship, there are lifestyle changes that need to be made in order to have a higher quality life with the disability. Stop for a moment in your relationship and view the lifestyle changes in a positive manner. Now, you can focus on having a healthier lifestyle for both people in the relationship and commit even more to one another.

For example, if you or your partner is struck with a disability, this might be an opportunity to eat healthier and to take time in your lives to relax from stress. Use the lifestyle changes recommended by the health care team to your advantage and view it in a positive light.

Allow Time to Grieve
Part of love is accepting the person that you are with no matter what happens in the relationship. This is another reason that it is important not to lay blame. No-one chooses to have a disability strike their relationship. Yet, at the same time expect a short period of grieving.

What is being grieved? The partner that is with a person with a disability will grieve losing the person that they had previously in the relationship. The person struck with the disability, will grieve their old self that could do everything that they were used to. The time period of grief can be hard and challenging. It is important to move beyond the grief and embrace the new people that both of you will become as a result of the situation.

Show Pride and Care for One Another
One of the strongest factors in any relationship is to show pride and care for one another. Embrace the accomplishments of your partner and help them to set goals that are achievable. Dare to dream and share your hopes for the future with each other. Take pride in the accomplishments and the milestones that your partner achieves and be their cheerleading team.

Both partners in the relationship can use this as a time to truly appreciate the love that you have with one another and build your commitment to the relationship. When a disability strikes your relationship, the best way to move forward is to strengthen your commitment to your partner and to embrace the love that you have for each other.

See Skye Danzer's Profile on Disaboom
See Skye Danzer's Profile on Associated Content

Read more
For more relationship tips, see Defining Boundaries in a Relationship and When Disability Strikes: How to Navigate Your Relationship

Double Minority: Being Gay/Lesbian with a Disability

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:36:00 GMT

Gays and lesbians living with disabilities face unique challenges; not only are they members of a minority group in the world at large, but they also face minority status both within the gay community as well as within communities geared towards people with disabilities. This can be exhausting and often places gays and lesbians with disabilities in the constant position of having to explain themselves, their identities, their challenges and their experiences.

Moving between gay and lesbian communities and activities and those geared for people living with disabilities can be a strange phenomena. Sexual orientation isn't visible to the naked eye, but functional disabilities usually are, so while the gay and lesbian community might recognize you as a person with a disability, you probably won't be recognized as a member of the gay and lesbian community in other settings unless you choose to make this information known. As you probably know, unless you're wearing on a T-shirt, coming out is always an ongoing process, and no matter how comfortable you are with your sexual orientation it can be an exhausting process.

Much has been made about whether gay and lesbian culture is more or less accepting of people with disabilities, and many people report being warned that GLBT culture is not welcoming to gays and lesbians with disabilities. Luckily, this seems to be more of an unrealized fear than an actual truth, Especially as there there are an increasing number of resources and activities for gays and lesbians with disabilities.

One example is the Gay Games, an international festival of friendly sporting competition for GLBT athletes that is inclusive and gays and lesbians with disabilities and features several sports for members of the gay community who use wheelchairs. Another example is the increased presence and welcoming of gays and lesbians with disabilities on popular GLBT dating sites and the increased inclusion of stories featuring characters with disabilities in gay and lesbian literaryanthologies.

Support groups are also important when it comes to the unique experience of being a GLBT person with a disability. Support groups can offer advocacy, advice and the helpful reminder that other people do understand theunique challenges you face. Some of the advocacy groups for gays and lesbians with disabilities include DeafQueer; BFLAG, focusing on gays and lesbians with visual impairments and their families; and Regard which addresses gays and lesbians with a broad spectrum of disabilities.

Even with all the good news out there, getting involved in advocacy on disability issues for gays and lesbians, will quickly underscore just how much work remains to be done. Despite already being familiar with at least one form of discrimination, prejudices against those with disabilities often exists as readily inthe gay community as the straight community. Similarly those with non-straight sexual orientations may well face homophobia from some members of communities with disabilities. However, as both gays and lesbians and people with disabilities increasingly achieve notice at all levels of society these barriers are rapidly falling.

Sources:
http://www.regard.org.uk/
http://www.bflag.org/
http://www.deafqueer.net/

See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Disaboom
See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Associated Content

When Disability Strikes: How to Navigate Your Relationship

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:44:00 GMT

Dealing with the onset of a disability in one partner can be especially challenging for an established relationship. That's okay. Dealing with the arrival of a disability in your lives is going to be stressful and bring up a lot of difficult and complex issues. The first step to navigating this emotional landscape successfully is for you and your partner to acknowledge that it's going to be hard and that you'll both have work to do, together and separately. It is also important to remember that big adjustments like this can't be made all at once and that living with a disability is always an ongoing process.

While it may sound grim, it's important to let yourself grieve. The onset of a disability is a life changing event and accepting the new possibilities in your life may be easier if your let yourself mourn the old. This process may be especially important for your partner without a disability as they will feel unavoidably outside what you are experiencing.

Try to remember that your partner may also feel helpless or frustrated that they were not able to protect you from having a disability. Guilt is not uncommon, and you and your partner may need to renegotiate many boundary issues as you learn to live with your disability and they strive, perhaps excessively to make your life easier. Matters of independence and empowerment are likely to be a source of conflict early on in this journey.

The onset of a disability may raise many logistical issues in your relationship, especially if the disability affects your work or income. Money and work are two of the most contentious issues in any relationship, and for that reason they are topics many couples avoid. However, in this situation there is probably a lot to be gained from talking openly about your financial and employment concerns.

Sexuality may also be impacted by the onset of a disability. Here both honesty and patience is key. Many couples put too much pressure on themselves in this arena in an effort to establish normalcy after the onset of disability, but it is important to remember that the parameters of normal have just changed for you. That's okay, and it's fine for you and your partner to take time to get used to them.

Having people to talk to about this process is important for both you and your partner. Seeing a couples counselor experienced in disability issues may be useful to establish tools for formal communication and have a scheduled time to air concerns about the relationship in the face of disability. Additionally, independent counseling for both you and your partner is an excellent idea. Adjusting to the onset of a disability provokes not just sadness, but anger, and there is value in each of you having a way to vent without impacting each other with unexamined negative emotions.

All relationships experience strain in times of stress. It can be very easy to look at any difficulties you and your partner face during this time and blame them on the disability. Getting away from laying blame on the situation or each other will help your stay focused enough to support each other during this process.

Dealing with the onset of a disability is one of the most stressful things a relationship can endure. As you and your partner work together on this process, take the time to remind each other that you are building strong communication tools, deeper understanding and a pair resiliency that will serve you well in your future together regardless of the impact of a disability. This is a chance to learn relationship skills that many couples never acquire and recommit to your life together.

See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Disaboom
See Racheline Maltese's Profile on Associated Content

How to Be a Confident Date

Fri, 30 May 2008 20:44:00 GMT

Confidence is sexy? You bet it is. That tired but true saying is one of the most important things to know when going out on dates and meeting possible lovers. Confidence says, “I love who I am!” Confidence says you have great genes and would produce beautiful children. Confidence says you are a better date than everyone else and are totally worth their time.

Confidence can even erase your disability in many people’s minds. If you’re confident despite whatever your disability or health condition may be, your chances are definitely higher in regards to finding a significant other, whether short-term or long-term. People love confidence and are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. The problem of course is becoming confident, and sometimes even, pretending you’re confident.

I’m a big proponent of pretending to be confident, even if I’m not feeling that way. Why? Becomes sometimes if you pretend/act in a confident manner enough times, you’ll eventually feel that way. It seriously can work, however silly it may sound. But what’s better than pretending to be confident is finding real confidence, even if your legs don’t work.

Here are some tips I’ve discovered during my many years of playing the dating field from my ever-present wheelchair on how to find that confidence that‘s hiding within you:

We all have something amazing, unique, or impressive about us. Whether it’s a rare skill, an accomplishment, a sexy body part, whatever. Think about things that make you special. Go ahead. Let your head get big. Doing this the hours before a date is your best bet. That way, the thoughts will be swimming in your brain while you’re on your date.
Recognize that there are many sexy disabled people in this world and that ANYONE can be considered attractive to the right person. People with disabilities are unique and strong individuals, and those things in themselves can make you a pretty awesome person. After all, no one’s body is perfect. Remember that. We are all members of the human race; each of us is valid and worthwhile.
And if—even after all those exercises—you still can’t for the life of you feel confident, then you better get good at faking it. The best ways to do the faux-confidence route is to know that body language can say a lot. If you move around a lot, fidget, avoid looking directly into a person’s eyes, it’ll appear as if you’re not confident or even worse, that you’re not interested. Smile, look them in the eyes, nod when they talk, and lean in towards them, too, during conversations to show confidence.

You see, confidence erases insecurity, and will instantly make people want to get to know you better. When you’re on a date, talk enthusiastically about things you like; compliment your date and ask him/her questions (be careful not to ramble on and on about yourself, or worse, not say much of anything at all).

Confidence can do wonders. Remember that, and remember that faking it is A-OK too (many people do it). Good luck, and may the confidence be with you!

How to Travel (Relatively) Stress-Free with Your Significant Other

Mon, 12 May 2008 23:30:00 GMT

Travel within a relationship will probably start out with some difficulty, especially if a disability is involved. However if you plan with diligence, you can end up having the time of your life and enhance your relationship. If you have a disability and if you are a part of a relationship, there is plenty for you to do: travel is exciting!

Today, it is not unusual for significant others who are not sexually active to still travel together. Often, pooling the resources of the relationship can give you a more exciting trip.

When you plan your travel adventure it is a good idea to never employ the word "should;" "could" is a much better choice for two reasons. First, what you do and how you decide to do it is unique to your relationship and "could" is a great, upbeat word.

Planning is as much a division of labor as the actual travel experience. There is the destination to consider; there is the cost of the trip; there is the assessment of the facilities; there is the type of room - single or joint rooms; and there is the very important question, "How do we get there?" So, who does what?

People usually find that they are drawn to one another because they have different strengths and weaknesses. Chances are good that one person in a relationship is a great detail person while the other may have the big picture.

First, the creative partner could present a series of plans with respect to the trips. After discussing the options (take as long as you want, hours or days), you can begin to formulate you and your partner's plan. Then the person with the penchant for detail could handle the finances, the directions and making the reservations.

Today it is easier than ever to go online and get complete information with respect to cost, location and accessibility of hotels and rooms, restaurants and sights to see.

The decisions that have to be made are where you are going, how you are going, when you are going, how long you will remain gone, who will watch your home(s), where you will stay and how you will travel (if necessary) at your destination.

It is important to be aware of nearby medical treatment if it is required at the location you will be staying.

If you are traveling by car or any other self-directed transportation, then the decision with respect to who is going to drive will need to be addressed as well as if you will be making a stop for rest (such as a hotel room) and when you will be taking your meal stops and where. If you are driving yourself, one Web site that is very valuable is Mapquest.com. If you aren't familiar with the site, it will provide you with a map, mileage and estimated travel time.

The accumulation of information and the decision about your activities completes the hardest part of the trip.

Now the fun part takes place. You get to pick your actual travel date, the date when you leave. You get to pick your travel itinerary. You get to start packing. From now until the trip a wonderful part of travel occurs, you get to imagine what the trip is going to be like - a wonderful addition to your relationship!

If you have done your homework and planned diligently and discussed together what to expect, then all you have to do when the day of the trip comes is sit back, travel and enjoy!

Read more:
See how one couple found their travel niche together, How We Got Started in Adaptive Travel.