In 1994, when my daughter Cristina was 19, she was diagnosed with leukemia and had a bone marrow transplant.  I was her primary caregiver.  Due to the many years of constant rehospitalizations, surgeries, and emergencies, I developed post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It is not uncommon this happens to caregivers, who are known as the “forgotten survivors.”  Caregivers are usually so consumed by caring for a loved one that they do not and, most of the time, cannot always take care of themselves.  Everyone is basically focused on the loved one and the caregiver’s needs are, for the most part, pushed into the background. 

I don’t really know why, but I absolutely had to have post traumatic stress disorder actually painted on me.  I was blessed to find an artist who courageously and beautifully was able to tune into what I wanted and needed to express.  I brought this photo with me when I was a caregiver panelist at the National Marrow Donor Program's annual council.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Treatment: Body Painting
Here is the explanation of the painting, which served as a sort of PTSD treatment:
I was my daughter Cristina's primary caregiver. In 1994 at the age of nineteen, she was diagnosed with chronic myelogenous leukemia. I was always with her as she endured endless painful procedures, constant re-hospitalizations, emergency room visits and numerous humiliations.

As her sole caregiver, I had to be hyper vigilant and, at the same time, comforting, loving and accepting of all the physical, mental and emotional changes she endured. For endless years, I slept with my eyes wide open, needing to make instant and constant life-or-death decisions.

My total lack of control to stop her continuous suffering was excruciating. To bear witness to my own suffering, I had to find a way to express the pain I felt deep inside. I wanted my body painted to outwardly express the feelings etched in fire, blood and tears into my heart, soul, and mind.

Body Painting Turns PTSD Grief Inside Out
While I look "normal" on the outside, the painting says what no words can possibly express....that on the inside, I am no longer "normal."

The Meaning behind the Body Painting...
I told the artist, Jada Fire, the specific emotions I wanted painted and where to place the symbols on my body.

First… Jada painted gray over my entire body to represent the drabness and darkness of the transplant room and wing, the hospital and the overall feelings of pain.

Second… the form protruding from my ripped and torn heart represents the triple lumen catheter that was inserted in Cristina. For the one and a half years it was in, I had to care for the wound, and look "impassive" and "accepting" while in complete and utter anguish.

Third… the white droplets are tears. They are painted coming from my eyes, falling down the front of me to my feet and into the ground. They also go down my back, to my feet and into the ground:
tears for my daughter's pain…
tears for the hundreds of timed I "buried" Cristina as she hovered between
life and death…
tears for the times I could barely remember my deep love for her
because of my complete exhaustion…
tears for all the others I saw going through the same experience…
tears for the tears I shed alone…
tears for the tears that are unshed…
tears for the tears that will never stop

Fourth… The black round objects represent bombs, because every second was like living in a battlefield with bombs constantly going off around us. No place to turn, to hide, to run.

The body painting depicts me as Cristina's ultimate guide who was responsible for both of our lives when, in reality, I was in a state of absolute confusion… so lost, so terrified.

Deepest Gratitude to Jada Fire and Adam Albrec (photographer) who had the heart, passion, talent and brains to do this Sacred Work.

Deepest, Deepest Gratitude to my daughter Cristina, a Survivor, and my Heroine.