Adam, an adult with developmental disabilities, just sat there naked on the bench in the men’s locker room, staring at the floor, sucking on the fingers of his right hand. He was born a twin, but he had a stroke in-utero. His brother didn’t suffer the same fate.
Adam’s limitations are substantial, and yet, in spite of them, he is a pleasant young man to be around. He never has anything bad to say about anyone, has a pleasant smile, a contagious laugh and loves to receive positive feedback. Adam’s one obstacle is that other people do everything for him. And I mean everything! At least they did until I showed up.
Teacher for Adults with Developmental Disabilities
I work as a para-educator for a transitional program designed to assist young disabled adults to become more independent. Adam is one of my students, and, with him, we have had a great deal of success. Some days are better than others, but Adam is growing up, slowly but surely. Why? Because he gets it, most of the time, and tries very hard to accomplish the goals set for him.
On the other hand, our students’ parents can be a bigger problem. Simply put, they won’t allow their young adults to grow up. Rather than teaching and mentoring their young adults with developmental disabilities and allowing them to grow up, they simply wait on their grown children, hand-and-foot. Heck, if someone else were doing this for me, while I sat on my butt all day, I’d take advantage of them, too!
This, however, isn’t the life that these young adults are supposed to be living. When their family members are gone, what will these young adults do? I’m sad to say that they will be left alone without the necessary training to be independent. We are giving them an excuse to be mediocre. I would say that mediocrity isn’t what Adam, or any adult with developmental disabilities, needs to be.
How am I qualified to talk to you about this issue? I am a person with disabilities. Now, most of the parents who are reading this article are probably thinking, “So what’s your point?” My point is this: your young, developmentally disabled adult will not have you around forever! If you think you will never die, you’ve been deceived. You, dear parent, are going to die some day, and what have you done for your young adult to prepare him/her for their life without you? Here are some of the truths that your young adult will be facing in their future:
• They will have to understand how to get from one place to another in their community. If they won’t be able to drive, they will have to know how to use public transportation.
• They may need to get a job that is best suited to their limitations and their financial needs. Some companies hire the disabled. This might be a great place for your young adult to start. Are you encouraging them to look for work, or are they sitting at home being transformed into some form of couch potato?
• Depending on their limitations, your young adults should know how to feed themselves, get dressed, perform personal hygiene, do their own laundry, go shopping, travel, socialize, eat out, go to the library, and have sex, to name a few.
Parents of Adults with Developmental Disabilities Key to Their Success
If your young adult isn’t being taught to be independent, you might be their problem. If you don’t teach them, who will? Do you think a public servant is somehow going to suddenly appear out of thin air to take over where you left off? How naïve is that thought process? Here are a few pieces of advice:
• Cut the apron strings and don’t look back!
• Get off your butt and show your young adult how to really live independently! Show them how you do it! If this includes toilet hygiene, toss your false sense of modesty and embarrassment out the window! Moralizations have no place in a home where a person with disabilities lives. I should know. I live with one 24/7. Me.
• Stop doing everything for them! Be a living example in their daily life, but allow them to accomplish what they can. Don’t reprimand them for their failure or struggles. Encourage them every step of the way. You are the only person from whom they will get positive, loving feedback.
• Give them more credit than you have thus far. Every young adult has the desire to be someone important. There have been men and women who were disabled and who became some of the most influential individuals in history. The same is true for your sons and daughters. If you don’t think big for them, they will NEVER think big for themselves.
• Stop making excuses for your young adult’s behavior! Wean them off their dependency on you. Allow them to suffer the consequences for their actions, whether positive or negative. They will learn.
• Grow up with your young adult! When they are allowed to grow into their adulthood, you grow into being their mentor. This is your chance to make a difference in your young adult’s life. It could be the catalyst that turns them into another Albert Einstein, who himself was autistic.
Now, what are you going to do with your young, developmentally disabled adult? Will they stay tied to your apron strings, or are you going to help them become independent? Will you continue to wallow in self-pity, or will you grow up with your young adult?
Only you can give your developmentally disabled young adult the tools they need to succeed. They can be the manifestation of the choices you make on their behalf. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Your young adult’s independence will be the crown you wear with pride.
Michael A. McGrath is a retired, disabled U.S. Navy veteran and the author of several books, as well as providing the illustration for this article.
