It can be difficult to describe your disability to someone else, especially when that “someone else” has no direct experience with disability.
“How do I make my disability not sound so horrible that they run away in the opposite direction? Or, “How do I avoid the ‘Oh I’m so sorry!’ pitiful response I usually get when they find out?”
I know. It’s nearly impossible to prevent these kinds of misconceptions. And the bad news - you’re going to encounter these sentiments at some point if you decide to meet potential partners, whether online or off. But there is some good news too: not everyone thinks like this.
Disclose Upfront
However, in order for the good dating karma to come your way, you must follow the number one rule when disclosing your disability: you must always do it right off the bat.
There’s simply no question about it. Although this little rule of mine is pretty controversial in the disabled dating world (there are varying opinions on this, as you might imagine, this rule is not only based on my 13+ years of experience in online dating, it also happens to be the opinion of many other online daters with a disability as well.
I like to call it the “weed out the bad ones right away” approach. By disclosing my quadriplegia right away, I never waste my time pursuing a guy who will never be able to come to terms with my disability.
How Other Experienced Online Daters Disclose
C.B, age 27 and from the Netherlands, has an invisible disability called CFIDS (chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome). She’s struggled over how to tell guys about her disease.
“Do you mention the ‘CFIDS 7 years and counting’ in your profile, which probably will put a lot of people off, or do you leave it out, and highlight all good characteristics, hoping someone fancies you, and then (when?) dump the ‘Oh, but there's a small problem, I've been sick for a couple of years and don't have any energy. Meaning - no dining at restaurants, no taking me out dancing, no going to movies, no walks in the park, and no going on holidays at all; just crashing in front of the TV at home with me laying on the couch trying to stay awake and focus on the conversation. And when I get too tired I'll probably kick you out and go to sleep.’"
“Also,” adds C.B., “it’s hard for me to date online safely because of my illness. Rule No. 1 for online dating [and C.B. is right here] is never meet someone at your house for the first time. But trying a cafe/terrace/drinks/lunch instead is not going to happen for me, though, because I’m too tired to leave home.”
Advice From a Paraplegic
Shannon G., a 21-year-old paraplegic from Michigan, is upfront right away about her “situation.” “I’m completely open with my description, explaining that I’m in a chair from an automobile accident and I post pictures of me in my chair,” she says. “I like to be completely honest about that, otherwise it would probably be very uncomfortable meeting him if he had no idea!”
“I also show pictures of me still having fun, proving the point that just because I’m in a chair I’m not boring.” As to her advice for the initial contact, Shannon says “for the first date I go someplace public and maybe a movie. There was a time when a guy actually tried getting in my pants the first time meeting! I was like, “Um, NO!” I don’t know if they think that just because I’m in a chair it means I'm desperate or what?!”
Rybread, a 30-year-old quad from Scottsdale, Arizona, uses humor to help the ladies see him for him, and not his disability: “Just so there are no surprises, I'll let you know right now that I'm in a wheelchair as a C5 quadriplegic. That doesn't mean that I'm mentally deficient and drool all over the place (at least not all the time) or that I can't do some things on my own (I'm pretty good at picking my own nose). I have decent function in my arms, although it's not perfect, but I more than make up for lacking my sense of feeling with a sense of humor (and the fact that I have a 6 inch tongue and can breathe through my ears... LOL).”
I’m with Rybread – I truly believe that humor is the best way to disclose your disability, if at all possible.
And for Curt Leatherbee, a 49-year-old paraplegic from Portsmouth, Rhode Island, he keeps it simple. “I’m a disabled, athletic type of guy. I work out often and going for a 35 mile handcycle ride is not uncommon for me,” he says in his profile. I like how he goes for the whole, “I’m still active despite this chair” explanation, which I think is a fantastic way to go about disclosing.
In short, I think being upfront about your disability in a witty, “I’m still active” manner is your best bet. And just so you know, be wary of anyone who hits you with multiple questions regarding your disability when you first meet. That’s a glaring red flag that, I’m sorry to say, usually means they’re probably never going to be ok with your disability.
Recommended Disabled and Non-Disabled Dating Sites:
• OkCupid.com
• Match.com
• PlentyofFish.com
• Lovebyrd.com
• DisabledCupid.com
• Whispers4U.com
• DisabledPassions.com
• Dating4Disabled.com
Tiffiny Carlson, 28 years of age, is a resident of the fair city of Minneapolis, Minnesota and is a C6 quad. She’s been navigating the online dating scene from the view of her wheelchair since 1994. And yes, she has yet to find the “one,” but she refuses to give up her search.
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