Sex, Sexuality & Fertility

Hi everyone,

As most of you know there is a thread in this section of the forum where one of the women on here stated some of the challenges regarding being disabled and dating men. I've actually been posting replies with some of the women who have particiated in that post but I'd like to get some of the guy's feedback on their experiences with dating women. Here is some information on me and what I'dl like to know:

I have Spina Bifida. My injury is L3, L4 and while I do quite well for myself I do have many of the issues that go along with it. I use a wheelchair most of the time and am incontinent. I'm 31 years old and have never had a
girlfriend. I've been on a few dates but nothing has ever materialized. I do have an active social life and frequently go out with friends to bars etc and do meet many women but none that are interested in taking anything further than just either being close friends, casual acquaintance or some bumping and grinding on the dance floor for the night. I've also tried the online dating thing for the past 8 years, utitlizing 7 different web sites (Match.com for two years and eharmony for 2 years as well as 4 others in the 6 year period) and have been on only three dates as
a result. In my last year on match.com I contacted 867 women and got only 27 postive reponses, only one of which turned into one of the three dates mentioned above but did not go any further than that. I estimate that in the 6 year time span I exposed myself to somewhere in the vacinity of 1500+ women via my online dating efforts.
I'm sure there are many reasons as to why my efforts have failed but I can't help but think that at least part of it has something to do with being disabled and I would like to get some research informtion from all of you (who wish to offer it) out there. Here's what I'd like to know:

1. I'm mostly interested in straight men since that's obviosuly what I am but anyone is welcomes to respond. Just because you a women or homosexual doesn't mean you don't know anything about relationships.

2. Your disability. I'm mostly interested in people with Spina Bifida or anyone who uses a wheelchair most of the time but again all comments are welcomed

3. Your mobility: Do you use a wheelchair, crutches, cain, or can you
walk unassisted

4. Your current relationship status: single, married, or in a
relationship. If you are SCI did you meet your spouse prior to your becoming disabled or after?

5. If you are currently single, have you been in relatioships in the
past? Have you dated able bodied people or only people with Spina
Bifida or other disabilities?

6. How have you dealt with intimacy issues in regards to
bladder/bowel control problems? This question might be a little too
personal for some to answer on a forum, or even at all...so if you
choose to answer it, you can e-mail me at kahli676@yahoo. com if
you're more comfortable with answering it in a more private setting. I know that defeats the purpose of the forum but I just wanted to give the option.

7. For those of you who are in relationships were there any
approaches or things that you did that finally worked that I may not
have tried?

8. Do you live with your parents or on your own and if you live on
your own and are in a relationship, do you think that played a role
in your eventually finding one? I live at home still FYI.

9. If you've had relationships or are in one, how old were you when
you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend

10. Any other general thoughts on being disabled and dating that you'd like to add

Thank you for your time. Any input into this is much appreciated.

1. I'm Straight. Been dating before and after becoming disabled.  Was Married 15years when the ex bailed because she couldn't handle it.  The mariage was anulled by the Church so I'm able to marry again in the Catholic Church.

2. I suffer from Chronic Pain Syndrome secondary to Spinal Fracture and Stenosis in C4-6.  Spinal Lamenectomies, Fusions , and Debreedments have eliminated some, but not all of the various neuropathies.

3. I can walk short distances with the aid of a four-pronged cane.

4. I'm currently single and dating.

5. I've been in relationships with both "abled" and disabled women.

6. I try to explain that this may be an issue and usually bring a Depends along with.  An extra change of undergarments is in the night bag if staying at her place.  And don't forget that gentlemen always practice safe sex.  Which means pack the condoms in with the extra Depends. If your doctor approves you for Viagra, more power to you.

7. Just relax and be yourself.  This relationship thing can be easy or it can be hard.  You get to choose. I had to remember who I was and get my head in the right place for myself.  I was a healthy man before I became disabled.  Now I'm a healthier man who happens to have a disability.  My experience with disability has deepened my soul, not lessened my desire. Dress well and for success.  --and within your comfort level and financial means. 

8. I lived with my parents for a bit.  I had to basically have "the Talk" with them in reverse.  What I mean is, "I'm an adult, I choose my life, I make mistakes, I learn, I get my heart broke, and hope for the best for the next time.

 I am now in my own place and they are happy about that too.  If you can, it's always a better thing, in my humble opinion, to be out and being on my own.  Besides, unless it's a group home situation, living with your parents is a turn-off for most women; and this goes for all men regardless of their ability status.

9. The first girlfriend I had was way back in High School.  Geez, the dinosaur I rode back then is extinct now......

 

1. Well I am a girl...lol.

2. Spina Bifida

3. Wheelchair all the time. I am about T6 level.

4. In a relationship

5. Well my current boyfriend and my last 2 exs all have CP. I also dated a guy with Muscular Dystrophy when I was younger. So all disabled.

6. I don't really have many issues anymore. I have a mitrofanoff for cathing through my belly button and an ACE for irrigating my bowels.

7. Not that I know of..lol. I met my last ex at a camp for disabled people. My current boyfriend a guy at my work basically hooked us up because he had me help him pick his new wheelchair.

8. I live with my parents. I however, work and go to school.

9. Well this one is funny for me. I had my first boyfriend at age 12. We dated for 6 months. Yea I was 12, so now that I look back at it, it really was nothing. My what I call major relationship started when I was 17 and went for 4 and a half years. We were planning on getting married then he cheated on me multiple times, but I was stupid and kept taking him back. One day after we had broken up for like the millionth time his mother called me crying saying that he went to GA for the week and is refusing to come back. He ended up 6 months later getting married to a girl and then 6 months after that divorcing her and tried to come back to me when I had just started dating my current boyfriend. My current boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year.

 
1. yep I'm a girl too but would like to at least try and help

2. Your disability. Osteogenesis Imperfecta-I use a manual wheelchair

3. Your mobility: manual chair--my trust Terminator Titanium

4. Your current relationship status: in a long-term committed relationship

5. If you are currently single, have you been in relatioships in the
past? I'm not single but I have been in other relationships--but none THIS serious. We've been dating forever (almost literally!) and I have dated both men with and without disabilities.

6. How have you dealt with intimacy issues in regards to
bladder/bowel control problems? nope

7. For those of you who are in relationships were there any
approaches or things that you did that finally worked that I may not
have tried? sounds crazy but stop TRYING so hard maybe--sometimes the more we push things the longer it takes to find a natural fit. What I mean by this is that your anxiety to be involved in a relationship is completely understandable but it may become a barrier to the initial phases of just getting to know a person, develop a friendship, and SEE where if anywhere it goes from there....Also, have you tried becoming more involved in the community? Taking the plunge and going to happy hours alone or other places where you'll be more likely to meet someone new.

8. Do you live with your parents or on your own and if you live on
your own and are in a relationship, do you think that played a role
in your eventually finding one? I live with my boyfriend (on our own) but I lived independently in college for several years before we moved in together and yes-I do think it had alot to do with my ability to date and form relationships. For my age (28), I think it would be difficult to be on the dating scene again and still be living with my parents. That said though-there are BIG cultural differences. Here in Miami, much of the Cuban population believes that children shouldn't move out UNTIL they are married. 

9. If you've had relationships or are in one, how old were you when
you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend?around 18---when I went to college

10. Any other general thoughts on being disabled and dating that you'd like to add..Inform yourself about sexuality issues and our culture...You need to be empowered yourself to make other people feel at ease and ready to explore a relationship with you.

Hi there, first i have to say i have no disability.So lucky old you i hear you say,ok here goes..... i have fallen head over heels in love with a wonderfull guy who after a tragic accident is quadroplegic.I knew him before his accident and after a few dates decided he wasn't for me,why, well to be honest i thought him quite weak minded,he drank a lot,and didn't have a lot to say. I bumped into him again some time ago (after his accident) we started to chat,my god how wronge had i been.This guy was probobly the strongest person mentaly i had ever met.Anyway physically i still found him very attractive, but mmmmmm that chair.To be honest it scared me,what if i say the wrong thing, what will other folk say i felt lost,no one to talk to .To cut a long story short i followed my heart,i had a lot to learn,i know i have to be sensative about certain issues eg...if his tummy is playing up at night,i give him space, go sleep in another bed,as i know if he lost control of his bowls at night he would be so embarressed,but have allso let him know that if or when that happens "So what" shit happens that made him laugh.

Our sex life is just fine, it took time to understand one anothers needs but we are both very happy.I bloody adore my wonderfull man,i'm crying just typing this.He asked me once what i found attractive about his dissability i told him "the brilliant man that comes with it" Idont know if this will help anyone out there,i just wanted you to know ,cupids bows are random and they dont miss ANYONE.  One Love x

HI FluffySurf,

That's great that you were able to find someone you are happy with and found it in you to look past your man's disablity even though you had some fears at first. I'm enjoying reading all these replies here but it's tough because I know I've done a lot to try and change this aspect of my life from online dating, actively going out, and getting involved with my local Spina Bifida yahoo group which did lead me to someone who also had Spina Bifida but she was rather smothering (basically made too many attempts to take the relationship further and scared me away). I never really had an interest in her (other than just being friends) because I could just feel that her personality and mine didn't fit but she didn't see that so I had to cut off all communication with her. It was not a very good point in my life because at the same time I was talking to a girl that I met online and that started out as being one of the best experiences I've had with online dating. Then the day before we had our first date planned she called me up saying that she had too much happening in her life and couldn't date anyone and obviously I haven't spoke to her since. So I had these things going on at the same time that ended up being really frustrating and I started thinking that what I want I can't have and what I don't want I can have. That was very dissapointing.

Maybe the entire online dating experience has had more of an effect on me than not having a girlfiend itself but when you've exposed yourself to roughly 2000 women over the past 6 years and gotton nowhere you really start to lose hope and that's where I am now. I'm not even shure if I could trust a women when she told me she loved me. I don't think I'd believe her. It's hard to even admit that my life has come to this regarding this aspect but this is where it is.

Hey ,thanks for getting back to me, have sent you a couple of e mails but i live in a small town on the coast miles from anywere so things tend to float around the universe a lil before they land,so  if you got them sorry,for being a pest and if you didn't,here i go again with my wittering diatribe.First of all can i say ,wow you are very easy on the eye lol, secondly , dont ever think that all woman will be put off by your disability,or what you may look like jack rabbit naked, disability does not mean ugly,in fact i find my partners body beautifull and fascinating,and very sexy,eg, he has a calcium build up on some of his bones ,i love them ,i hold his thighs at night ,they are his they are unique.So instead of going into a relationship with negative thoughts think posotive, like, hey babe check this out, I know that my partner worries about it a lot more than i do,but thats because you are dudes and dont understand us weird creatures lol.But please beleive me ,a man is a man and a womanis a woman we all unique.And as for seeing past his disability ,why would i do that, thats what he is, he accepts me and all my nutty traits,so thank you to him.One Love x

Hey Fluffysurf,

Yeah I didn't get any e-mails from you. Thank you for your compliment. I wish more women in my age group would tell me that. The only ones that do are my family and older women who are well married and even are grandparents. Sometimes I feel like women are afraid to compliment me because they might think that I think they're trying to open themselves up to me to see if I reciprocate. I'm sure not all women are put off by it but it's hard to believe otherwise when all I've ever had are friends. And yes the friends that are female that I have are awesome women. I tell them from time to time that even though we've never had a romantic relationship, they are still amongst a very small group of women who will accept someone in a wheelchair. Even my guy friends are in very elite group of people. When I say elite I don't mean rich or powerful. I'm talking about their character. You see your partner's disability as a part or him and my feeling is that most women see it as a barrier. I can even tell when I meet them almost instantly. I can tell by the looks I get, the way women talk, the fact that most of them never even ask me what my disability is. I know they're curious but they don't want to ask. I have been talking to a girl online and in one e-mail she asked me whether or not I was actually in a wheelchair. Her reasons were valid because I showed pictures of myself in and out of the wheelchair. I figured women would want to know that I can get out of chair for things like cuddling on the couch, getting into bed, etc. So when I told her that, I then proceeded to ask her if she was familiar with Spina Bifida. That was on Friday and I haven't heard from her yet. Will I? Maybe but if not what am I supposed to do when I, #1 state that I have a disability and use a wheelchair in my profile, show pictures, get asked about it, then open myself up to talk about it and don't get a response? This is what happens more often than not.