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1. I'm a straight male who has been married, divorced, now single, and actively dating.

2. I experience the effects of spinal muscular atrophy and use a wheelchair for mobility all the time.

3. See above

4. See above. I met the people I've been in relationships with after the onset of disability and while my challenges were very visible. My relationships have usually been long-term; the first was 2 months, then 7 years, next a few months, followed by a 3-year relationship, then a 3-month relationship, then a 6-month relationship, and have been single and dating for the past 3 years -- the longest single streak I've had.

5. I've primarily dated people "without disabilities". Because of my mobility limitations, my generally higher sex-drive, I tend to be more attracted to people with whom I can share an active sex life with; individuals who can compensate for my mobility challenges by being the more mobile/physically-dominant partner. For me, I know that one of my "love languages" is physical touch. Therefore, I feel it is important for me to be able to share cuddling, snuggling, caressing, massaging, intercourse, was the person I'm dating. Just my preference I guess. However, that doesn't mean that I've ruled out dating individuals who do experience some sort of disability. It just has happened that the individuals I've been in relationships with have not been diagnosed with any particular disability.

6. I've not encountered bowel/bladder challenges with my particular disability.

7. Similar to you, I've tried a variety of methods for meeting and becoming acquainted with people, including general online dating sites such as Craigslist, OkCupid.com, Plentyoffish, Singlesnet.com, Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony.com plus disability-focused online dating sites such as Lovebyrd.com, Whispers4u.com, and Dating4disabled.com. I discovered that people were more responsive if I didn't mention my disability. Then, once I disclosed my challenges, people that I had been responding to seem "put off" and often just "disappear". Some will ask questions, and decide that my challenges are not compatible with their lifestyle or comfort level. Some cite that dating is difficult enough on its own without introducing the complexities of disability. I'm not sure exactly what to say. I guess my own personal opinion is, although online dating is helpful for being able to give people a unique look at our non-physical attributes, people are still "shopping for the best buy". I think they view disability as "scratched" or "dented". Again, I think a lot of it has to do with societal attitudes and expectations based on media portrayals of what the "ideal mate" is plus the myths, stereotypes, prejudices, etc. surrounding disability (see Sexuality and Disability Myths and Facts). Therefore, I almost think it may be easier to get to know someone through community events or group event spot as (ideally, as it demonstrates shared interests and something to build on). Again, participating with community and group events not for the sole purpose of dating, but simply for exploring personal hobbies and interests while socializing and engaging in community. Then, it allows those acquaintances to hopefully build into friendships while they get to know you as a person, while confronting the reality of disability, allowing them to explore disability, see potential impacts, witness actuality that we still are human and functional, providing opportunities to ask questions in non-threatening/non-intimidating situations, and allowing things to grow into something with those who are open-minded. The people I've dated for long-terms I've met under such circumstances. One I met at a charitable fundraiser. The other I met online while I was already involved in a relationship, met off-line to play cribbage and other board games (a mutual interests), and after two months realized there was mutual romantic interest. I think over the past three years, I've been trying to "easily" find something using Internet dating sites. However, as I mentioned, they seem so much like "shopping" then as soon as any "defect" is discovered, people generally move on to the next "candidate". Again, perhaps introducing and becoming acquainted with people at coffee shops, art galleries, museums, bars, clubs, or whatever may be helpful. Still, I think people are generally tired of "pickups" and leery of attempted "pickups", so if people come across as too aggressive they may be perceived as "creepy" or "desperate", and any potential interest is dismissed. So, it is a very difficult and tricky balance. Plus, because there is a myth that people with disabilities are "lonely" and/or "desperate", approaching people can be difficult. Personally, for the past three years I have not mastered getting to know people. Recently, I started going to meditation simply because it is something I enjoy. I've noticed that people have reacted much differently to me; more eye contact, more initiated conversation, etc.. First, I'm sure it is a more liberal, open-minded, and curious group. Still, most of the people I initiate contact with on online dating sites have identified themselves, or had personality tests indicating, that they are more liberal, open minded, and curious. Anyway, in the meditation group I've been more passive and laid-back. I will let you know what happens! 8. I've lived on my own or with roommates. I think once you get to know someone, it might not be a big deal. However, if you are meeting someone who is "shopping", they may immediately see that as a "defect" as they may perceive it indicates a lack of motivation or ambition versus understand the underlying circumstances. I do think that living on your own, with roommates, in an assisted living program, or even living with a sibling has less stigma for "shoppers" than living with parents; it seems to signal greater independence. Still, if you get to know someone, if they are truly understanding, they would likely understand the situation. Basically, I think they would need to understand that you have your own life, that you are emotionally independent, you are spiritually independent, you have your own private space, you can provide privacy, and so on for you both to explore your relationship.

9. I was 17 when I had my first romantic relationship.

10. This is a topic that is very interesting for me. I find sociology and the psychology of dating fascinating. I'm glad that this discussion has been started and is ongoing. I look forward to reading other people's thoughts, ideas, and so on!

Summary of Ideas:

a. I agree with what people have said: get involved in the community, make yourself available for approach (i.e. attend events alone sometimes), do something you enjoy doing instead of getting involved as a means toward hopefully dating, and have fun!

b. Don't be aggressive. If you are genuinely participating in an event because you are interested in the activity or cause, and not simply for dating opportunities, you will simply act and interact with other participants differently. It will give them a chance to get to know you as a person.

c. Be confident that you are an incredible person, have a lot to offer, have unique experiences, unique talents, unique skills, and a unique personality. Be confident that you are no worse, nor no better, than anyone else -- simply unique, just like everyone else. This genuine confidence is necessary so that others can also see and accept that you are simply unique, just like everyone else -- not "disabled", "damaged", "scratched", or "dented".

d. If someone seems uninterested, it does not reflect on you personally. It simply reflects their unique personal preferences, needs, hopes, desires, and fears.

 Well Kahli I will ping in as a man on this one I bailed after 25 years of marriage and perhaps my take on things is pretty different because I am also over 50 and wmens lists get way shorter by then if they are singl. (just homor ladies)

I am a T6 T8 spinal cord injury and you an also add L4&5 Spinal Stenosis so I usually walk with a cane, but will also use a chair or any other means to remain mobile. Plus I am one half deaf so in short over 50 and that list one might think I've no life.

I truly have not had any trobule meeting people or women or with dating and I have never used the internet in any way to meet any of he three women I date. Yes I am honest with them and after getting out of 25 years of marriage am not even thinking of setteling down and not unlike me they also are just not ready to give up their life style so anyway no one is unhappy and each of them have qualities I like.

I met them all in some sort of social function be it an art show, or one just passing on the street the same time every day until one day I said good afternoon and a conversation started. One on a train trip because well taking a train offers more comfort better views and less hassle then travling by air so I suppose I just meet people.

As far as approaches well just be yourself I tend to be outgoing listen to what people are talking about and usually respond as apposed to come on lines. In short I am just myself and like it or not thats all there is. Like I said because I am older there is no need for anyone to really prove a thing.

Needless to say I have a 23 year old AB male son living with me hence I do not bring women home and if I cannot he cannot as in stay the night. For me it is not comfortable having a women friend over in front of him and I sure do not want to know his sex life.

Asmany of the women here pointed out and I agree with them the down fall of most younger men is that woemn are looking at the man his sum total what is in his heart and mind all that girl type stuff. If you are just yourself most women would not oppse meeting you they tend to look much deeper then me do whch might be in most cases looks.

So in general being disabled really is what you feel about yourself. I have o doubts about whom or what I am and I project that and I also project myself as being secure and feeling good about myself and what abilities. All three women have said pretty much shut up as I try to explain my gimps they say I hardly noticed that I noticed you as a man. Not a bad feeling being called cute in a bar at my age by a woman also my age but it is fun.

Intimate issues there have been none really and I will not go into detail other then to say smiles are good. If I can date at my age you can at yours I would think just get out into the world the right person will not fall into your lap or be aphoto at match dot com.

Hang in there all you, I can see your frustration.  We may have disabilities but I'd like to believe that is not all we are.  We have feelings, goals, a heart, desires, expectations etc.  All realistic things to want. I have always believed there is some one out there for us all. Don't give up and there are plenty who look at the entire package and your heart and not just the disability.  Good Luck.

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here and I'm really glad you folks are writting on this matter. I'm gonna read more and write more later and I'm starting to hurt just a bit too much. Thank you so much for shareing what you have. I don't feel as alone. Dave

Hi, I'm divorced, straight, 52yr's old and haven't been on a date in 3yr's. That's a long, long time for me as I used to go out all the time and had a very happy and active romantic and sexual life. I have a brain injury and 4 back surgeries which all helped very much. I have a lot of metal in my lower back and my upper is hert bad too. I'm not able to do a lot of  "Real active" sexual activity without a lot of Real pain. 

I used to be engaged and then had to call it off as I have a brain injury and wasn't really clear on who I was much less who We were.We remained Very close friends and I think that was a bit too smothering. We both got something out of it and, I do feel it hampered my growth.

I'm looking for, and have my first job interview schedualed this week. Yeah!!!, and that's helped my self esteame considerably.  I do find that how I feel about myself is conected more by the fact that I can't afford to take a woman anywhere like to a movie. I have bills to pay from meds after a crash and surgery. He ran into me as I was at a Red light.

That's my story and addition to this conversation. Thanks for all that's been shared. I'm finding I really can't even be "intimate" with myself as it's too boring. I'm going back to the basics and just enjoying my own touch where ever. Perhaps one of these days I'll get "lucky!" Big smile here, Dave

 

Kahli, the dating sites you mentioned using are all mainstream.  Have you ever considered registering on a disabled dating site?  They don't cater exclusively to the disabled--they also welcome able-bodied members who are open to dating PWD.  There are many from which to choose... just google "disabled dating" and you'll find plenty.

 

Helen

i don have SB but im an amputee i have a g/f but she has never seen anyone else im her first and she was talking about her mom telling her she cant spend her life with one person at th start you have to meet people,yet he does and doesnt want to.i love her and she loves me but what im concerned of is the same thing everyone else is.will my fake leg be the issue and i hate thinking about it.im not good with girls here cause they all seem to be into the trends but i am just myself around everyone.so i have been on the thoughts of being alone and seeing how someone would look at me like everyone else.i just dont want to have that part come around with not having someone to be with for a long time. i dont live with my parents i live with a friend and my brother and his g/f i got kicked out of the house cause i threw 4 glasses cause the house isnt easy to navagaite on a fake leg or wheelchair its too clutterd and nearly enexcessable

snowyh:

...Have you ever considered registering on a disabled dating site?  They don't cater exclusively to the disabled--they also welcome able-bodied members who are open to dating PWD.  There are many from which to choose...

Some of those "disable dating" sites can be found on the resource list at my website and include the following:

    * Lovebyrd.com
    * Whispers4u.com
    * EnabledAlready.com
    * EnableLove
    * Disabled Dating World
    * Dating4disabled.com
    * Disabled Passions
    * All Disabled