Sex, Sexuality & Fertility

 

Having been a lurker and sometimes poster I have enjoyed the discussions in several of the forums around here and have found it helpful. Today however, I want to ask those who have, are currently or hope to date, a question:

 

In those situations where you do not meet the other person face to face immediately, how much about your disability do you think is right/necessary to tell the other person so they get a clear picture of what your situation is like? It seems to me that there is a fine borderline between being forthright and overwhelming. In other words: How much is too much?

 

I ask because of a recent experience. Although I had told a woman about myself as truthfully and as descriptively as possible without being tediously long, she was very disappointed and disturbed when she met me in person. (Keep in mind this was even after she saw numerous pictures of me!)

 

There is a second practical question implied here also, I think: What, if anything, can be done to prepare the other person for what might be a shocking experience of a first meeting? Is there anything that you have done that works for you? Maybe even something that you do or say when you do actually meet? (Aha! A third question!)

 

Thanks,

 

Total

 

Mechanic.... I read a true story once in which a military man injured in the gulf war wrote home to his folks.  His folks were so proud to hearh e had survived, this young man wrote to his parents he had a friend will you know how that is I got a friend but its really you.  His parents couldnt read between the lines this gi was trying to say. He told them his friend had his legs blown off was  in a wheelchair and he was coming home and hed like to bring his friend.  The parents replied by saying son we are glad you are coming home but there is no room for a person like that we just dont have the capabilites to take care of what ever he will need. Their son never came home because he didnt feel welcome . I think that if you are wanting to meet anyone that makes you feel special or who has cought your eye, dont sugar coat anything.  Take it down to the brass tax this is what you are getting.  I might not have all of me as society would grade me worthy but I have and will give you all that I have left. Leave it at that and God will take care of the rest

I just found this site and went directly to your post.  This is the exact question that I've been searching the internet for help with.  It has taken me ten years to get healthy enough to think of dating. I have a wonderful, full life right now, but I've been afraid to date because of this exact question.  Where on earth do you begin?  You were so right when you said that full disclosure is overwhelming...for pete's sake, it's overwhelming for me and I've had ten years to adjust! On the other hand, I have never been good at lying.  I have a very happy life and hate the thought of even having to discuss the "dark years" yet an explaination of some type is obviously needed.  So, sorry that I can't help you, but know that you are not alone with this one.  Let me know if anyone has any thoughts.

Thanks,

PTLady

HONESTY, HONESTY, HONESTY!

shellGVchick:

HONESTY, HONESTY, HONESTY!

 

Sorry Shelley...  But I agree with you. (see, I'm not that big a jerk).

 

You really have to come clean with the other person. Almost right from the start.  Dancing around the issues in the beinging is no way to build a relationship.  Will this make it harderto find a partner?  Yes!   But that's life. 

I also agree that full disclosure, or at least disclosure leading to an honest discussion at the level of detail the other person wants is the best policy. Sure, some people will be scared off by that or something, but the good news is that you end up talking with people that are interested in getting to know you. Owen

Why are you sorry for agreeing with me lol.  I understand how some may fear rejection for telling the truth. How can you even hope to have a relationships if you can't be honest. It's so important.  There are some that may just like you for you, quirks and all.  It is possible. She has a right to know what she's getting into with anyone, disabled or not. What are you going to do just talk on the phone and never meet out of fear of rejection. That's emotional blackmail.

One of the scenerios that I'm having trouble with is with the people who knew me before my accident.  The people that I grew up with or went to college with, but who I haven't been in touch with since the accident. The ones who knew the vivacious, active woman I was.  I didn't go to my high school reunion because I just couldn't face those people.  How do you tell them WITHOUT them giving you that look of pity and without having to go back into all the drama that was the past?  Maybe I just need to develop a short story version that I memorize and repeat as needed! Doesn't this conversation create a situation where you get WAY too intense, too soon? 

Thanks for the responses to this post.  It is really helping me a lot to hear what others have done in this situation.

PTLady