Last post Wed, Aug 06 2008 1:37 AM by graver. 25 replies.
Great insight Lesli! What sports does your son play? I think it's a great and little-known/discussed aspect of involving kids with disabilities in these activities that they get to hang out and practice social skills with the support of other kids like them or their friends and family who are already primed to understand.....
The lack of practice for many people with disabilities is a huge part of the challenges we face with mingling/dating/friendship forming/etc.
He started out with track and field, then we added swimming. He also plays sled hockey now (season just ended). He's tried w/c tennis and basketball and he's not sure he likes those. He's been water skiing (one of those adapted sit-down skiis). He also road races, he was the youngest w/c 15k last year and this year at the Gasparilla race in Tampa, and he's done the 5k there for several years. He's done a bunch of 5k races. Plus he has a hand cycle.
I run the SB-Parents list on Yahoogroups and ALWAYS tell people get your kids in sports, even if it's just swimming at the Y. The social skills alone is worth it.
My son went to his first Nationals (NJDC) back in... *brain fart* I think he was 6. He learned to jump curbs and demanded his "sissy bars" be taken off the back (they were and have stayed off since). Nothing like watching a room full of kids doing wheelies. *LOL*
madmumbler:US culture teaches VERY conflicting messages of disability. And since I've got one leg in and one leg out of the debate as the parent of a kid in a w/c, I've got both views. On the one hand, those of us on two (relatively) good legs are supposed to feel compassion and not "baby" people in w/c or disabled. We're supposed to offer respect and just let them do their thing. In other words, ignore them the way we'd ignore anyone else. And people in w/c - disabled are taught to be fiercely independent and not ask for help unless they are positively forced to by the situation (like their w/c is stuck on a rr track and the Midnight Special is barrelling down on them). Okay, fine. This is all well and good.
US culture teaches VERY conflicting messages of disability. And since I've got one leg in and one leg out of the debate as the parent of a kid in a w/c, I've got both views. On the one hand, those of us on two (relatively) good legs are supposed to feel compassion and not "baby" people in w/c or disabled. We're supposed to offer respect and just let them do their thing. In other words, ignore them the way we'd ignore anyone else. And people in w/c - disabled are taught to be fiercely independent and not ask for help unless they are positively forced to by the situation (like their w/c is stuck on a rr track and the Midnight Special is barrelling down on them). Okay, fine. This is all well and good.
Observant and well said! Thanks also for the advice.
Total
Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I can share my own personal story...
My fiancee and I met online at a dating site. Never once did he mention to me he was disabled. I talked to him on the phone a few times before we met in person, and I could tell his voice sounded different (it's a little slurred from having a stroke) but I honestly didn't let it faze me. We hit it off and that was all that really mattered to me.
It wasn't until our first face-to-face meeting that I learned he was disabled and walked with a cane. And it still didn't faze me. I fell in love with the man inside, not the packaging!
He todl me he used to disclose everything up front, but then it seemed to turn women off. Or at the very least, they would treat him differently or badly. I told him it didn't matter to me one bit, but I can see why he may have been hesitant.
In my opinion, I think you should reveal whatever YOU feel confident in revealing. Bottom line, though, the best person for you is one who won't judge you. So if you reveal, and they run, then they're not the one for you. Good luck to you all!
That's a really sweet love story Maryann-thanks for sharing it with us! Just goes to show that it's important to do what's in your heard and not necessarily what everyone else says worked for them!
madmumbler:And people in w/c - disabled are taught to be fiercely independent and not ask for help unless they are positively forced to by the situation (like their w/c is stuck on a rr track and the Midnight Special is barrelling down on them). Okay, fine.
And people in w/c - disabled are taught to be fiercely independent and not ask for help unless they are positively forced to by the situation (like their w/c is stuck on a rr track and the Midnight Special is barrelling down on them). Okay, fine.
This has nothing to do with the point of the thread, but I love that visual. That's me.
total,
I only have FMS but I do tell them I have Fibromyalgia, I usally don't go much fairther
unless they ask, If they really want to know they will ask. Now if something happness
while your on a date then I'd explan then and it uselly goes alright I also refer them to
fibrocenter.com and to NFS so they can read for themselfs that way they are informed
proberly. Other wise I just tell them what I have.
Good Luck Total,
I may not have had the full experience yet, but I definitely know what you're talking about and can sympathize. This came up for me recently... I'd been talking to this girl online for a few days, and during a break in the conversation I just said, "So this doesn't get awkward later, you should know I'm in a wheelchair." I don't know if that's the exact right thing to say, but it seemed to work fine... no big deal, and I could bring up it later when it's the right time to talk about details or whatnot.
Her response, by the way, was pretty much perfect: "That's OK. I like being on top." Hahaha...
TotalMechanic:I ask because of a recent experience. Although I had told a woman about myself as truthfully and as descriptively as possible without being tediously long, she was very disappointed and disturbed when she met me in person. (Keep in mind this was even after she saw numerous pictures of me!)
I ask because of a recent experience. Although I had told a woman about myself as truthfully and as descriptively as possible without being tediously long, she was very disappointed and disturbed when she met me in person. (Keep in mind this was even after she saw numerous pictures of me!)
I have to say Total, that in this situation that this was all her problem not yours. You did everything possible to make her prepared. I don't know what she expected (maybe that it wasn't as bad as you described) but all the disappointment should be from you about her expectations, not the other way around.
I, too, am all about honesty. But like people have said before, you get to choose how much and when you tell people. I don't tell people off the bat that I am in a wheelchair. Mostly cause I think its a minor point when your trying to get to know someone. I met my husband online as well, and we had been corresponding online for a few months before I told him. My intention was to scare him off when I felt that things were heading down a more serious path than I had intended. Fortuntely for me it didn't work. I don't think I'm being decieving in this because they are supposed to like you for you, not soley for the way you look, right?
TotalMechanic: In those situations where you do not meet the other person face to face immediately, how much about your disability do you think is right/necessary to tell the other person so they get a clear picture of what your situation is like? It seems to me that there is a fine borderline between being forthright and overwhelming. In other words: How much is too much? There is a second practical question implied here also, I think: What, if anything, can be done to prepare the other person for what might be a shocking experience of a first meeting? Is there anything that you have done that works for you? Maybe even something that you do or say when you do actually meet? (Aha! A third question!) Thanks, Total
In those situations where you do not meet the other person face to face immediately, how much about your disability do you think is right/necessary to tell the other person so they get a clear picture of what your situation is like? It seems to me that there is a fine borderline between being forthright and overwhelming. In other words: How much is too much?
There is a second practical question implied here also, I think: What, if anything, can be done to prepare the other person for what might be a shocking experience of a first meeting? Is there anything that you have done that works for you? Maybe even something that you do or say when you do actually meet? (Aha! A third question!) Thanks, Total
I believe in honesty. However, honesty and full disclosure are as different as apples and oranges even though they fall generally into the same category, like apples and oranges are both fruits. Get it? lol
There is so much more than just physical appearance which I, personally, believe is essential in order for me to be attracted to someone. Do able-bodied people confess all the physical things about themselves before they've met face to face ? Of course not! Why should WE?
I've never told a "blind date" I had any sort of disability before meeting in person, unless they were to ask or something required that I tell them -- like wanting to know if where we're meeting is wheelchair accessible.
Why should I? The moment the word "disabled" comes up, the most negative of stereotypes about people with disabilities will come to mind for them. Why spoil the spontaneity of their genuine reaction to you AS YOU ARE when they meet you?
The first date, anyway, is just that -- the first date. If it's also the last, we'll know that before we take leave of each other, won't we? And we'll know the caliber of person we're dealing with based upon their reaction to us.
If they can't handle the disability I have, kewl. I totally get it.
It's not "rejection" really. It's just the other person hopefully being honest about whether they're attracted to you. I can say with confidence that no one's ever thrown me out of bed after realizing I was wearing a left leg brace due to childhood polio. Of course, I haven't had the need to score dates for sex in a long time, cuz I have my "friends with benefits" to turn to for that. So I get by with sex and a little tenderness in the company of friends.
I'll know if there's a potential for love with someone. I can feel it and read it in their face to know whether or not they're "into" me. And if it works out that the attraction is mutual, grrrrr8!!!! If not, so what? I've made a friend, to start with, and who knows where it might go from there? She/he may wanna take a second look at the prospects after she/he gets to know what I have to offer.
One thing I do not do is allow my happiness to be conditioned on whether or not I have a partner. Now THAT's really dumb, isn't it?
Justin
This is one of those topics which will always be open for discussion. It's the human conditioning which fails our confidences.
The only answer I will offer is this: full disclosure is the best policy ... HOWEVER ... patience and wisdom should be your guides as to when to disclose what and how much.
Take this into consideration: you're a guest at a glorious bankquette where there are all sorts of goodies and surprises! You don't know where to turn to first! You see, you pick and choose what delicaciese you wish to nibble and par take in first. You have a taste of this, a nibble of that, a sniff of this, a morsel of that, etc., etc. etc. until you are full.
Well, you are equally a bankquette full of treats, surprises, and treasures. Share a bit of this and that through your conversations, and equally expect to get this same conversation exchange back from the interest of your desire. Also, read and research many helpful articles on relationships both platonic and romantic. Women, although strong and confident in everyday tasks and skills do become rather timid and frightened little creatures with our emotions, and unless we find a man who IS confident in what he is truly looking for from a relationship let alone a partner, makes all the difference in the world!
So, if YOU'RE not sure or confident in yourself, she'll pick that up BIG TIME and not just slip away but will run for the nearst exit just to breath. You must be confident to disclose all in detail because without honesty there can be no truth, and vise versa. Just be wise in learning about your perspective sweety and LISTENING and HEARING what she is all about, and PROBE her MIND (we love this it's truly extremely sexy and a turn on for sure).
Keep in mind: if she is all that fast to run away then you're better off knowing from the start that she was not the person for you. Keep searching and never ever give up searching for your one hearts desire!
Always have FAITH, TRUST, and BELIEF in that higher positive power. God bless and much fortune to you on your quest. Just BELIEVE and go for it!
