Last post Wed, May 28 2008 6:18 PM by CNo64. 61 replies.
Hello,
My name is Becky and I am an amputee. Long story, I won't go into it. Visit my blog, if you want to read about how I lost my leg. .
I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years now and I knew him, and his parents, for two years prior to our marriage. I have always told people that I was very lucky, that I had the best mother and father-in-law in the world. We had a good relationship. I would call my mother-in-law at least every one to two weeks and we would spend hours on the phone. We would talk about everything and we each generally felt the same way about the subjects at hand. I would talk to her more than my own mother, to my shame. We spent a lot of time together to at their cabin near our home. We would spend holidays together and I have had them to dinner for birthdays and holidays. They would have us to dinner at their home also.
In 2005, I had surgery for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and had to be in the hospital for three weeks after the surgery, My in-laws visited me in the hospital. My mother-in-law went to my home to help my husband, went grocery shopping, cooked meals for my husband and sons, ran errands for him. etc. She was a big help to him while I was in the hospital. As soon as I got home, this all stopped. I ended up having chemo, many surgeries and many problems, blood transfusions, etc. She wanted me to call her and let her know about me, my chemo, my doctor visits, etc., but she never offered to make a meal for us or anything. She would call me occasionally. She did ask me one time if she could make anything, because I was nauseous during chemo, and she did make me some tapioca pudding. However, that was it. She did invite us to Christmas dinner and dinner one other time after that, but never offered to help or anything. She has a bad back, so I never expected her to clean my house or anything. Plus, she was in her mid 70's at the time. She called my husband once and said I hadn't called her for three weeks. I think she was mad about it too. It's not like I was in the best of condition either. I was going through chemo, having to deal with a horribly swollen foot and leg, using crutches and a walker to walk and being so sleepy from my medications, I had to have a three hour nap every day. Besides, I was in such horrible pain in my leg from my chemo and my foot was slowly rotting away.
I couldn't get my prosthesis for almost a year after my amputation, because I got MRSA and had to have four operations on my stump. I was stuck in a bed for over a year and she never offered once to make me a meal, to help us, her own son and grandsons. I still can't get over this. I'm better now and we have talked now several times, but I feel like they abandoned me. I know I am not their daughter, but I thought I was more to them than just a thing that married their son,.
She did call me one time during all of this and told me about all of the food she had made for her reading club. She had cooked a meal for about seven people, plus several desserts. I had to get off the phone, I was so angry. She can cook for her reading club, but what am I supposed to do? Use my walker to make a meal? Ya that was a lot of fun. I tried it a few times. Imagine having to cook a meal, get the ingredients, the pans and all the things you need, and you are hopping around and standing on one leg with a walker while doing it. I had strangers offer to make dinner for us. Our friends and neighbors made several meals for us or would even get take out.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I being a selfish brat? I don't think so. If you could please share your experiences with me or any insights you might have into my situation, I would appreciate it. Even just words of support. I will never trust them again. They can rot in a nursing home. I will not take care of them.
Thank you
Becky: but what am I supposed to do? Use my walker to make a meal? Ya that was a lot of fun. I tried it a few times. Imagine having to cook a meal, get the ingredients, the pans and all the things you need, and you are hopping around and standing on one leg with a walker while doing it.
Excuse me, but that is pretty much what I have to do.
And that is how I kept my children fed. And it also is the way I'm gonna cook for the rest of my life. That, or from my wheelchair.
Becky I'm sorry to hear all you have gone through. There's a few ways you can approach it. You can flat out call up your mother-in-law and asks her why she suddenly just dropped out of your life, or you can just swallow it and be the better person and just try to be civil now. You are married to her son, that woman will be in your life because of him and your child. She may not even know exactly what her reason is. Maybe she was afraid to see you in that bad of a state, sick as a dog, couldn't keep up with the house, meals etc, and felt helpless. Maybe it was just too much on her. Some times it's so easy to accept the good things that happen in our life, but I truly believe we have to accept that bad things in our lives to some degree. I had to accept I was deaf and on my wedding day couldn't be like normal women who pick out their favorite music, and have their song played while dancing with your husband. I don't like it at times but I have to accept it. I think personally at the same time speaking to her may do no good, she's an elderly woman and even though you feel you were wronged she deserves some sort of respect. You are lucky to even have that help, I'm not trying to sound harsh, but there are people out there who take care of themselves, adapt, and do the best they can on their own, never a single person helping. She did that out of love and concern and for the good of your family. One of my best friends on this entire planet 5 years ago lost both legs in an accident. He's now a single dad because after all this time his wife couldn't take it any more. He would use his Prosthetics for her because she became repulsed other wise. They have never fit him quite right, so he doesn't like them. Now that he's not with her, he gets out of that wheelchair on the floor, and uses his hands and arm strength to walk and he's like a monkey. On the couch, off the couch, on a seat at the kitchen table, etc etc. He uses one of the extender poles to get stuff out of higher cabinets etc. You try and help him he said it's a mans place. He's not crying, he's not complaining, he learned because he had no choice. It can take him 3-4 hours in the kitchen making just himself a meal, but you ask him and he's content as can be because he did it by himself. He climbs up next to the kitchen sink and does dishes that way. He can get his son changed because he climbs up next to the crib. He's had to adapt. He's faster on his hands then some can walk. Our biggest laugh when we are all together is don't run over Scott. You have a husband and a child to help you. They are your immediate family, the ones you worry about before the mother-in-law. What does your husband say about the situation? Does he think it's a big deal? Has he ever addressed her regarding how you feel? We don't always get what we want, but your alive, you have a husband and a child to love you and help you. It may not always be graceful the way we do things when we have no other choice, but it becomes our way. I think it's important to look at what you have. There are times I'm in so much pain I can hardly get up, then I have to try and walk, and trying not to have the kitchen burn down because you cant get to the stove in 2 seconds is challenging. You've been through a horrible thing, being so sick for so long would test any ones capabilities and faith about life. But you have that kid of yours, he's the best gift you will ever have. Different is not bad!
Becky: but what am I supposed to do? Use my walker to make a meal? Ya that was a lot of fun.
but what am I supposed to do? Use my walker to make a meal? Ya that was a lot of fun.
Becky:Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I being a selfish brat? I don't think so.
Becky: I will never trust them again. They can rot in a nursing home. I will not take care of them.
I will never trust them again. They can rot in a nursing home. I will not take care of them.
Sorry to be so blunt, but as they say, don't ask a question that you really don't what an answer too.
ok here goes
you ask if you were being stubborn and selfish
the answer to you is yes
im handicapped also but you do what you can when you can
thier is always tomorrow
your hubby can cook cant he?
how old is your son ?
as for your mother in law be gratefull that she help out when she could
she may feel she is no longer need now that you are home
even if you were bed ridden she probly
thought you could tell your hubby and son on what you needed
did you call and ask for for more help
or call on a agency like a home health aide to
come and help you out
did you try and do anything for your mother in law
like get her a gift card so she could buy herself something
did you send her a thank you letter
did you call and say to thank you for everything you have done for us
have you ask her over for dinner
or just a cup of coffee or just to talk
you are a little selfish but arent we all
give your mother in law credit were cridit is do girl
and im hoping that by now you are able to do somethings by yourself
i now from experience it very hard and differicult
but you have a gift find it and use it
Well, we have heard your side of the story, it would be nice if we could hear your Mother-in-laws side now. Sorry to tell you this, but you do sound like a spoiled brat. It would be interesting to know more facts. How near to you do your in-laws live? You say you used to call her every one to two weeks. My in-laws live half way across the world, and I am in contact with them almost daily.
It sounds like you have gone through a lot with the chemo and amputation. That is a rough time, but how did you treat them during that time? Maybe you said or did something that hurt her.
You have to decide how important it is to regain your good relationship with your Mother-in-law. Do you want her just to be around to cook and clean for you, or do you miss her company? What do you do to for her?
That crack about her rotting in a nursing home tells a lot about the person you are. Yes you sound like a selfish brat.
Bet you are sorry you asked now, aren't you?
Wow, some very interesting opinions. Thanks Shelley for your kind comments.
First of all, making dinner from a wheelchair is a lot different than hopping on one leg and standing on one leg using a walker. I have circulation issues in that leg also, from my surgery, and I get a lot of pain in my foot. My kitchen is very large and there was not enough room for a wheelchair to fit between where my cabinets and the countertop area are across from each other. So, I would not have had access to most of my ingredients. Someone was not always home to help me either. My husband works rotating swing shifts and is on a different shift every week, 7 day shifts, 7 afternoon shifts and 7 midnight shifts. My boys both had school and were in sports all year long. I spent a lot of time alone. Plus, I fell once and was very leary about using my walker to do things. When I did fall, I blew out some tissue, which caused a wound tract. This caused me to spend another three months in the bed, waiting for this to heal. I'm talking about a walker too, something that is not very stable really, when you only have one leg and your balance is off to begin with.
Second, my mother-in-law is in her 70s, but she is very capable. She can cook for her reading club? She cooks big meals for my husband's sister. She can't make me a meal now and again. I never asked her to clean my house either. She did a lot for my husband and sons while I was in the hospital, but as soon as I got home, she stopped. I was in the hospital many times after that also, I had four surgeries on my stump after my amputation. I had to go in several times for blood transfusions too, 14 blood transfusions. I did thank her for doing all this while I was in the hospital. I did not send her flowers, but I was very sick for quite a while. I believe I sent her a thank you card, I'm not 100% certain though.
I have done a lot for my in-laws over the years, running errands, getting their mail from the post office while they were gone every winter to Florida, etc. She had surgery a few times too, one was a hysterectomy, and I cooked several meals for her. We had them over to dinner at least four to five times a year, if not more. Plus, we would eat dinner together out at their camp. We had a very good relationship before I got sick. I guess I just feel that I would have moved heaven and earth to do all I can for them if one of them was ill. Not that I am expecting the same, but a little effort would have been nice. They did nothing for me while I was sick, for over a year. I think that is a pretty ignorant thing to do to a daughter-in-law, two grandkids and a son. I'm not just talking about myself here. She didn't do anything for her grandkids either.
Before I got sick, I was working full-time, doing medical transcription up at 5 a.m. every day. I had two kids, a house and a husband to take care of. I didn't have the time to call her every day. I put my mother-in-law before my own mother. I spoke to her more often and for a lot longer. I sent her e-mails. I called her with every bit of information about my kids, report cards, illnesses, on and on. We were at their house all the time and they were at ours. We spent a lot of time at camp together. I spent twice as much time with my in-laws than I did my own parents.
I regret saying they can rot in a nursing home. I didn't mean that. I was mad at the time. I'm a nurse for crying out loud. I'll probably end up taking care of them. My in-laws live about one mile from my house.
Third, I have talked to my husband about this. He thinks the sun rises and sets with his parents and would not say anything to them about this. They have not treated him very well at times over the years either. His sister seems to be the favorite child. She lives out of town and visits once or twice a year. When she is in town, we don't exist.
Fourth, this situation was not about her. Did I say something to hurt her? I was in the hospital for three weeks after this surgery. I ended up with ileus, nearly a bowel obstruction, and I was quite miserable. When I finally got home, I had a grossly disformed and rotting leg to deal with, and I was in terrible pain. And then I had chemotherapy to deal with, besides the leg. You have no idea what all is involved with that. Trying to get out of my house was an ordeal. It was the middle of winter and we were in a cold snap, barely getting about 0 degrees for a high. I had to see a doctor every few days or so. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. They came to visit me several times in the hospital and for the first few weeks after I was home. I was very pleasant, even when I didn't want to be. Besides, I wasn't mad at them then. It was two months or so later, when they deserted us, that's when I got mad.
No, I'm not sorry I asked, but jeez, don't jump on my back guys. You don't know the whole situation. I asked for some advice, not to be attacked. That does not include you Shelley. Shelley was the only one who gave me some advice. I have read a lot of your comments in the blogs and chats, You sound like a very nice person and a very calm thinker. Thanks.
If you have any other questions or comments, please feel free to leave them. Otherwise, send me a private message. Thanks.
Becky
The thing that surprise me most is that You always think You've got it worse.
Why do You think nobody can imagine how it is to have a grossly disformed rotting leg and horrible pain??
I've got that plenty. In my 5th year now. I got so ill over it that they still wouldn't risk the amputation.
And I still do my own chores.
You should start finding ways to get along. If a wheelchair doesn't fit in, try something like a barstool on wheels.
And don't shift blame on us for not knowing the whole story. It's up to you to give us all information we need.
And lastly: don't imply that I jumped on your back.
Daisies
Some times we have to adapt and come up with short cuts and tricks to help get us around. Extention Poles. Rearranging things that you use a lot that are easier to access. Do you have insurance, what about one of those little motorized wheelchair scooter thingies. I see from TV those are pretty easy to maneuver, and smaller. Just a thought. There is no doubt you've been through a lot, but it's certainly not a contest on whose had it worse etc. Have you talked to your husband about maybe making his schedule so he can be with you more during the days? No one needs to prove anything. Just do your best. I do think your wanting to blame some one though. You can't force your mother-in-law to come into your home and cook for you etc. She has her own free will and choices. Don't keep a score sheet of how much one person has helped over another. Just be greatful she has helped you. You should see a blind man trying to cook and clean then you sort of count your blessings, I go in about once a week and just straighten things up for him and clean, help him write out his bills. Being blind he has a system and a layout, when you clean and do stuff you put it back exactly how it was. He reads books by listening to them on his little tape machine. His version of entertainment is listening to the scanner all night listening to the good guys bust the bad guys. He's 67 years old, blind, in little tiny studio apartment, working at a little store in town tearing down boxes and things that are safe to do. There will always be some one who is worse off then us. If you had asked me before I lost my hearing if I had a choice of losing my hearing or being blind I would of said deaf hands down. Well I am, our eyes are our canvas of the world. He is always trying to slip me money for helping him. But I could never take his money. Especially when he's like a dad to me.Maybe write her a little note saying how much you appreciate her help and support back then and you hope you can stay in touch with eachother. Don't blame her, don't be jealous, just acknowledge her. I guess I'm rambling.Best of Luck
Hello Ben,
welcome to Disaboom.
Maybe You want to open Your own thread in the Welcome-Forum to let everybody know You are here and say Hi.
I have peripheral neuropathy in both feet and it is excruciatingly painful often. My daughter and her boyfriend won't do anything for me so I stand on feet that feel like someone has attached wires to them and then to a car battery. It's what we do because we must. I could be angry and resentful at my kids but that isn't my choice. I will do what I have to do to be independant because it is worth the pain. Life is better than the alternative, even with a painful disability.
By the way I was raised by an amputee who mixed the cement for our house in a wheelbarrow, poured it into the foundations and built a house for our family with no help. He also built a full machine shop and worked full time for over 35 years supporting us.
I have fallen numerous times myself, once down the stairs but my choice is still not to let anger, resentment and bitterness dominate my life.
Becky: I actually understand where you're coming from. I don't think it's about not adapting to your new limitations as much as it is about having the support of family that you expected to have. I would go so far as to say that the support is far more emotional than physical. In other words, if your MIL had cooked for you it would have signaled her support of you and your family in a time of need, not just fulfilled a utilitarian need. I get that.
I was in a similar situation when I got sick. I was in the hospital at least once a month for the first two years. I had very few visitors after the initial one or two times and few phone calls. Obviously, the few that I had stopped after the bazillionth hospitalization. The thing is, though, I also get where my friends were coming from. Number one, they didn't know I was there unless they called my mom or husband, and number two, it gets old. I think people just don't know how to handle chronic and severe disease. Honestly, it isn't easy and it's hard to assign blame for that. Also, people don't truly understand the limiting nature of disease and disability so it isn't natural for them to think about the things we might need help with. Not to mention the fact that many people don't want to impose their idea of help when they know we are people who want to be self sufficient. It's just a very complicated issue.
All that aside, I understand why you're hurt. I think part of the problem is expecting other people to do the things we think we would do if the situations were reversed. Those expectations will kill you! I think you should talk to your MIL and explain your feelings. She may have no idea that she has hurt you and will probably try harder to help out where she can. If you do that, though, I'd make very sure to not place blame on her, just put the emphasis on your own feelings.
Good luck!
"Important events are obscure. Some believe all manner of hearsay evidence; others twist truth into fiction; and time magnifies both perversions."Tacitus
"Fourth, this situation was not about her. Did I say something to hurt her? I was in the hospital for three weeks after this surgery. I ended up with ileus, nearly a bowel obstruction, and I was quite miserable. When I finally got home, I had a grossly disformed and rotting leg to deal with, and I was in terrible pain. And then I had chemotherapy to deal with, besides the leg. You have no idea what all is involved with that. Trying to get out of my house was an ordeal. It was the middle of winter and we were in a cold snap, barely getting about 0 degrees for a high. I had to see a doctor every few days or so. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. They came to visit me several times in the hospital and for the first few weeks after I was home. I was very pleasant, even when I didn't want to be. Besides, I wasn't mad at them then. It was two months or so later, when they deserted us, that's when I got mad"
No, it is obviously about you. You are the star of this saga. Undoubtably you have been through a lot, but you are not the only one who has had problems.
I would love to hear your mother-in-law's side of the story. It even sounds like your husband sees her side.
How dare you say others dont know what you have gone through! You also have your husband and sons to support you. Some have no one, and have gone through much worse and not bitched as much as you have.
I know this is a support group for disabled people, but I honestly have never seen anyone as self-centered as you. Do you know how much it would mean to some to just be able to get to the kitchen, let alone be able to cook a meal?
As far as "knowing" what things are like, I am a C-2, quad , on a vent, fed by peg tube, am non-verbal with supra pubic cath and a colostomy. I am also a testicular cancer survivor. I DO know how things are. I also know that loving people do not abandon loved ones without a reason, and you should look to yourself for the reason for that.
I apologize to others for my rant, and I do not mean to imply that I am worse off than anyone else. I have a great life, a wonderful wife, a good job and I do not feel sorry for myself. I just can't stand to see someone tell another disabled person, that they just don't "know". We are all in this together, and I appreciate the love and support I have received from people I have met here.
BTW, BenPPS is my dad and he signed on as a member yesterday. Like your dad, Beaker , he was disabled He had Polio as a child and always used braces and crutches to get around until the last few years. He worked for the State Department for most of his adult life, and traveled all over the world. He raised 4 of us kids, and each of us had a great upbringing and education. I NEVER heard him complain once about how bad his life was, but I remember the sores the braces rubbed on his legs, and the surgeries on his joints. He is my personal hero.
