Last post Wed, May 28 2008 6:18 PM by CNo64. 61 replies.
IamwhatIam: How dare you say others dont know what you have gone through! You also have your husband and sons to support you. Some have no one, and have gone through much worse and not bitched as much as you have. I know this is a support group for disabled people, but I honestly have never seen anyone as self-centered as you. Do you know how much it would mean to some to just be able to get to the kitchen, let alone be able to cook a meal?
How dare you say others dont know what you have gone through! You also have your husband and sons to support you. Some have no one, and have gone through much worse and not bitched as much as you have.
I know this is a support group for disabled people, but I honestly have never seen anyone as self-centered as you. Do you know how much it would mean to some to just be able to get to the kitchen, let alone be able to cook a meal?
That's not really fair. It doesn't matter that other people have had it worse when we're going through something; what's happening to us is happening to us. If we compared everything to how others have felt or what they've been through we'd regress into an infinite loop of comparison.
IamwhatIam: I also know that loving people do not abandon loved ones without a reason, and you should look to yourself for the reason for that.
I also know that loving people do not abandon loved ones without a reason, and you should look to yourself for the reason for that.
Wow, that was harsh.
It seems like people have to have it really, really bad to get any sympathy these days. Oh, you think that's bad? well let me tell you what I went through! It's unfortunate that we're expecting people to have the same emotional reactions to disease and disability that we have had and it's unfair. Aren't we supposed to allow people their human weakness in the face of pain and disability? There's always going to be someone who has it worse than us. Where does it end?
"It's not just about Obama is a young black man, and McCain is an old white guy."Shelley!
I will never post on this site again. I'm the one who is bitter and angry?!? Liesl and Shelley were the only ones who got where I was coming from. Dasies, you are downright mean. Don't bother to write another thing, because I will not come back to this post again. Thank you Liesl. Thanks Shelley.
By the way, I have met some really nice people on this site, but obviously, except for Liesl and Shelley, they didn't read this post. I have given up on people like Dasies and Iam, they aren't worth the effort to try to explain anything to.
beakerless: Harsh? I think not. That was just someone telling it like he sees it and pulling no punches. A little like life does. After all the title of this thread is "I need your opinion".
Harsh? I think not. That was just someone telling it like he sees it and pulling no punches. A little like life does. After all the title of this thread is "I need your opinion".
To make the categorical assertion that this woman needs to look to herself because people don't abandon their loved ones is both needlessly harsh and presumptive. There's no way any one of us can know what the reality is behind this situation, which makes a categorical statement about not just the MIL's behavior but all people's behavior fallacious and unnecessary. Also, even if people ask for opinions that doesn't mean we have a free pass to be rude.
Becky don't leave. What does that solve? There are going to be things we don't always like reading or hearing, but that doesn't mean we give up on our personal goals. This is a supportive website, much more then I could of imagined. BEAKER I just wanna hug the stuffing out of you some times. I never really wanted to impose and ask why you were on Disaboom. Thanks for sharing a little bit about yourself.IAMWHATIAM, your post touch my heart. I know there are times when we want to lend support but not always want to tell our story and bring up painful things to the present. I feel I really got to see you first hand at the SCI meeting. You shared, and advised without any motives. It was great to just sit back and watch a few of you all talk together. Real learning experience for me. Not one of you ever complained. You all mentioned how your disability has changed your lives, but it was all positive.I think it's great your dad's have joined this site as well.Becky I hope you stay. It's not a contest here. To me if you play a victim role you stay in that issue, you stay in the rut, your constantly relieving it. When you can come to the other side and be a survivor I think is when the real growing begins. I for one would rather live in pain, and struggle, and do it on my own, then just let other people. I always can count on myself.
I wub you guys!
Becky
How very charming. Pick me out of a group that has said some quite rude things, and make me the meanest person around. Cute.
Maybe you want to share some insight on that one.
Regards
Liesl, I'm sorry you do not agree with my approach, but I am comfortable with everything I said, and do not feel the need to apologize to anyone.
I can only base my judgement on the story I was told, and there are just too many holes in it to believe that Becky was not in some way culpable of turning her mother-in-law against her. I don't have time or energy to sugar coat my reactions. Becky asked for an opinion, and I gave mine. Now because of two people who disagreed with her she is leaving, never to post again! WTH? Despite all the other wonderful , kind people she has met here she is leaving because Daisies and I called her bluff. I wish her luck finding a place that everyone is always going to agree with her, and sooth her furrowed brow whenever everything doesnt go her way.
I wish life worked that way, but it doesn't. We have to pay for the way we chose to treat people. As I have said, I wish we had the mother-in-laws side to the story.
Shelley, thank you for the kind words, and for facilitating the chat that night. It was very interesting talking with, and meeting other SCI's. I hope we can do it again soon. You always try to see both sides of the story, and help give pertinant, caring advice.
Daisies and Beaker, I am happy to be in the company of you other meanies who arent afraid to speak the truth. We are here to support each other, but just having a disability does not make us all above reproach.
I know there were times that I was not the nicest person to be around, but my parents had the courage to tell me to quit being an ass and shape up. I'm glad that they didn't just let me drive them off. It seems like that is the way Becky and her mother-in-law deal with things. Just walk away.
IamwhatIam,
For future reference, if you are just looking for people so to say "Oh you poor thing. Of course you are in the right" don't tile the thread "I need your opinion".
I hope she finds the answers in life she needs.
Hi Becky,
I think you have every right to be upset with your mother-in-law. She should have offered to cook for the family and help out in any way possible. So should have your husband and children. If they weren't and aren't asking how they could help, if I were you I'd ask if they could help you.
Before I became sick, I just never thought about how difficult it was to do life's everyday tasks. Apparently, it is not your mother-in-law's style to think of others first and to be the caretaker. Unfortunately, my mother was never the caretaker type either, and I experienced very little nurturing from her as a child and when I was sick and could barely sit up, much less walk.
I feel sorry about your present situation, and hope that you will begin asking for help from your friends and family, and that they will pitch in to help. I don't mean make anyone feel guilty or like they MUST help you, but a friendly request seems appropriate. And if they don't respond in kind, at least you know the type of person they are, and maybe you can look elsewhere for help.
I wish you the best.
Thanks for the backup, Tridog. I agree wholeheartedly.
Laurie, did you READ Becky's post? She stated that her mother-in-law HAD cooked for her. She had come and cleaned while Becky was in the hospital. At one time it sounds like they had a good relationship. Now why would that change, and the mother-in-law suddenly "abandon" her? Even the husband does not see anything wrong with his mother. He probably has seen the whole story transpire.
Why do you think she "should" offer to help out? Did you hear the comment about wanting her in-laws to rot in a nursing home? She later recanted, but she said it, and I believe she meant it at the time. How many other mean things has she said to the poor woman?
I am totally dependant. I hate to ask for help, and I would rather pay someone to do it than impose myself on friends or family. My situation is not their fault, and I would never expect them to cook and clean for me. I have found people to be extremely good and caring and I appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me, but to just EXPECT it...never.
It is easy to believe that you are the center of the universe, and that you deserve special attention because you have encountered hardships, but to expect friends and family to jump just because you can't or won't do for yourself is absurd. That is the best way to drive people away from you. Take kindness where you find it, but don't judge someone because they dont cater to your every need.
Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen.
I think because Becky had help before in the past she had expectations of always having help from her mother-in-law. What one's expectations may be totally is not what the other's is. I think we can only know our true selves and motives, etc. Wanting answers is not wrong. You can't force your own expectations on people that have free will.My mom and dad have been together forever, and my mom and I have a great relationship. A year ago my nana passed away and I saw how it tore my mom up. I can't even begin to think of that with my mom. She's 62 and no matter what was going on growing up I knew my mom loved me and gave everything for us kids. She got me to 18 and I really believe that our parents can't be there to save us all the time. We have to take our own path in life. I am half an hour drive from where my parents are and we both work at keeping a good relationship. She comes to dinner and it's my job to wait on her, etc. She did for us so many years.I would not be who I am today without the love and support of my family. In Italy growing up they teach you that respect, manners, tradition, and family are everything. It's sad to see and I'm knocking no one but I see how americans treat people and that would never be tolerated back home. Also people disrespect those older and one day we're all going to be that old. How would you feel in 40 yrs if some young punk disrespected you. What goes around comes back.
IamwhatIam: I can only base my judgement on the story I was told, and there are just too many holes in it to believe that Becky was not in some way culpable of turning her mother-in-law against her. I don't have time or energy to sugar coat my reactions. Becky asked for an opinion, and I gave mine. Now because of two people who disagreed with her she is leaving, never to post again! WTH? Despite all the other wonderful , kind people she has met here she is leaving because Daisies and I called her bluff. I wish her luck finding a place that everyone is always going to agree with her, and sooth her furrowed brow whenever everything doesnt go her way. I wish life worked that way, but it doesn't. We have to pay for the way we chose to treat people. As I have said, I wish we had the mother-in-laws side to the story.
I don't disagree with giving people our opinions or in not sugarcoating them. What I do have a problem with are the assumptions made when we simply don't have the information. I do have a problem with the way in which it was stated, calling her spoiled, telling her it was her fault, etc. All of that may be true, but there's no way for us to know. Not only that, her feelings of abandonment might have been justified. There's just no way to know, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt? It seems like people saw her post as being too "poor me" in a community where that attitude is annoying at best. The reactions seemed very personal.
I'm not a fan of sugarcoating thigns when you do have the facts. Hell, look at any of the "vaccines cause autism" or "homeopathy cures cancer" threads for examples of just that. I just don't think we should jump down people's throats when they ask for support. Don't think she deserves it, think she's being spoiled? what's wrong with just not responding? In the end, stating that you or someone you know have it worse and so others shouldn't complain is just a false dichotomy.
Liesl:I just don't think we should jump down people's throats when they ask for support.
But, she didn't ask for support. She asked for opinion. Sorry, but I believe she is being a spoiled brat expecting more from her mother in law and not from her husband or her own mother.
Granted, all this is still new to her and she has much to learn about being a gimp. It will come with time. Hopefully. But it won't come by tell her what she wants to hear.
Liesl, What is the point of asking for someone's opinion when you don't really want it. First, I simply agreed with her when she was asking if she was acting like a spoiled brat. Becky came here of her free will and told her story and asked for an opinion. I believe her mother-in-law deserves the benefit of the doubt. She was viciously attacked, and she deserves someone to defend her too.
You would rather I ignore my response to her, rather than be honest? What type of board would this be without open dialogue? Do you just want sweetness and light? That is not real life, I am afraid. If that is the type of phoniness that is wanted on this board, there will be the Pollyannas that will stick around, but those who really need honest information and support will soon tire of the shallowness and find a place where they can be themselves. Life is not a Harlequin novel, and it doesn't always have a happy ending.
Me stating the facts of my personal situation was , indeed, not appropriate, and I do not begrudge anyone who has more function than I do, but I do lose patience when someone who can move, breathe, eat and speak, tells me that I don't know how bad she has it. I have staff that do everything for me. I don't have to lift a finger, even if I could. If Becky would like to change places with me, I would be thrilled to have to hop around on one leg, cooking a meal. If she wants to complain, that is fine with me, but don't tell me I don't know.
