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Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 1:48 PM

Posted by: Laurie58 Posts: 1

Hi Becky,

I think you have every right to be  upset with your mother-in-law. She should have offered to cook for the family and help out in any way possible. So should have your husband and children. If they weren't and aren't asking how they could help, if I were you I'd ask if they could help you.

 Before I became sick, I just never thought about how difficult it was to do life's everyday tasks. Apparently, it is not  your mother-in-law's style to think of others first and to be the caretaker. Unfortunately, my mother was never the caretaker type either, and I experienced very little nurturing from her as a child and when I was sick and could barely sit up, much less walk. 

I feel sorry about your present situation, and hope that you will begin asking for help from your friends and family, and that they will pitch in to help. I don't mean make anyone feel guilty or like they MUST help you, but a friendly request seems appropriate.  And if they don't respond in kind, at least you know the type of person they are, and maybe you can look elsewhere for help.

I wish you the best. 

Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 2:29 PM

Posted by: IamwhatIam Posts: 70

Thanks for the backup, Tridog.  I agree wholeheartedly. 

Laurie, did you READ Becky's post?  She stated that her mother-in-law HAD cooked for her.  She had come and cleaned while Becky was in the hospital. At one time it sounds like they had a good relationship.  Now why would that change, and the mother-in-law suddenly "abandon" her?  Even the husband does not see anything wrong with his mother.  He probably has seen the whole story transpire. 

Why do you think she "should" offer to help out?  Did you hear the comment about wanting her in-laws to rot in a nursing home?  She later recanted, but she said it, and I believe she meant it at the time.  How many other mean things has she said to the poor woman? 

I am totally dependant.  I hate to ask for help, and I would rather pay someone to do it than impose myself on friends or family.  My situation is not their fault, and I would never expect them to cook and clean for me.  I have found people to be extremely good and caring and I appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me, but to just EXPECT it...never.

It is easy to believe that you are the center of the universe, and that you deserve special attention because you have encountered hardships, but to expect friends and family to jump just because you can't or won't do for yourself is absurd.  That is the best way to drive people away from you.  Take kindness where you find it, but don't judge someone because they dont cater to your every need.

Winners make things happen.

Losers let things happen.

Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 6:23 PM

Posted by: shellGVchick Posts: 1,261

I think because Becky had help before in the past she had expectations of always having help from her mother-in-law. What one's expectations may be totally is not what the other's is.  I think we can only know our true selves and motives, etc. Wanting answers is not wrong. You can't force your own expectations on people that have free will.

My mom and dad have been together forever, and my mom and I have a great relationship. A year ago my nana passed away and I saw how it tore my mom up.  I can't even begin to think of that with my mom. She's 62 and no matter what was going on growing up I knew my mom loved me and gave everything for us kids.  She got me to 18 and I really believe that our parents can't be there to save us all the time. We have to take our own path in life. I am half an hour drive from where my parents are and we both work at keeping a good relationship. She comes to dinner and it's my job to wait on her, etc. She did for us so many years.

I would not be who I am today without the love and support of my family.  In Italy growing up they teach you that respect, manners, tradition, and family are everything. It's sad to see and I'm knocking no one but I see how americans treat people and that would never be tolerated back home.  Also people disrespect those older and one day we're all going to be that old. How would you feel in 40 yrs if some young punk disrespected you. What goes around comes back.

Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 7:21 PM

Posted by: Lieslmcq Posts: 2,303

IamwhatIam:

I can only base my judgement on the story I was told, and there are just too many holes in it to believe that Becky was not in some way culpable of turning her mother-in-law against her.   I don't have time or energy to sugar coat my reactions.  Becky asked for an opinion, and I gave mine.  Now because of two people who disagreed with her she is leaving, never to post again!  WTH?  Despite all the other wonderful , kind people she has met here she is leaving because Daisies and I called her bluff.  I wish her luck finding a place that everyone is always going to agree with her, and sooth her furrowed brow whenever everything doesnt go her way.

I wish life worked that way, but it doesn't.  We have to pay for the way we chose to treat people.  As I have said, I wish we had the mother-in-laws side to the story.

I don't disagree with giving people our opinions or in not sugarcoating them. What I do have a problem with are the assumptions made when we simply don't have the information. I do have a problem with the way in which it was stated, calling her spoiled, telling her it was her fault, etc. All of that may be true, but there's no way for us to know. Not only that, her feelings of abandonment might have been justified. There's just no way to know, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt? It seems like people saw her post as being too "poor me" in a community where that attitude is annoying at best. The reactions seemed very personal.

I'm not a fan of sugarcoating thigns when you do have the facts. Hell, look at any of the "vaccines cause autism" or "homeopathy cures cancer" threads for examples of just that. I just don't think we should jump down people's throats when they ask for support. Don't think she deserves it, think she's being spoiled? what's wrong with just not responding? In the end, stating that you or someone you know have it worse and so others shouldn't complain is just a false dichotomy.

Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 10:55 PM

Posted by: TriDog Posts: 1,789

Liesl:

I just don't think we should jump down people's throats when they ask for support.

But, she didn't ask for support. She asked for opinion.  Sorry, but I believe she is being a spoiled brat expecting more from her mother in law and not from her husband or her own mother.

Granted, all this is still new to her and she has much to learn about being a gimp.  It will come with time. Hopefully. But it won't come by tell her what she wants to hear.  

Posted on: Wed, Apr 9 2008 11:38 PM

Posted by: IamwhatIam Posts: 70

Liesl,  What is the point of asking for someone's opinion when you don't really want it.  First, I simply agreed with her when  she was asking if she was acting like a spoiled brat.  Becky came here of her free will and told her story and asked for an opinion. I believe her mother-in-law deserves the benefit of the doubt.  She was viciously attacked, and she deserves someone to defend her too.

You would rather I ignore my response to her, rather than be honest?  What type of board would this be without open dialogue?  Do you just want sweetness and light?  That is not real life, I am afraid.  If that is the type of phoniness that is wanted on this board, there will be the Pollyannas that will stick around, but those who really need honest information and support will soon tire of the shallowness and find a place where they can be themselves.  Life is not a Harlequin novel, and it doesn't always have a happy ending.   

Me stating the facts of my personal situation was , indeed, not appropriate, and I do not begrudge anyone who has more function than I do, but I do lose patience when someone who can move, breathe, eat and speak, tells me that I don't know how bad she has it.  I have staff that do everything for me.  I don't have to lift a finger, even if I could.  If Becky would like to change places with me, I would be thrilled to have to hop around on one leg, cooking a meal. If she wants to complain, that  is fine with me, but don't tell me I don't know.

Posted on: Thu, Apr 10 2008 2:00 AM

Posted by: TerryLou Posts: 108

Hi Becky, I have never been in a situtation such as this and can not offer any advice or insight.

I do know a lot of people do not know how to be around others that are hurting and disabled. They are afraid and know not what to do or say. Maybe this is what happened, you said the Mother in Law used to do lots with you before you got real sick with the Chemo and such.

Have you ever asked her to help with a dinner or lunch? Or even dropped a hint maybe she dosen't think you want any help, that you maybe want to be independent.

I hope you can resolve this and have a peace about it soon.  

Posted on: Thu, Apr 10 2008 2:24 AM

Posted by: Becky Posts: 1,551

I decided to come back and not give up on Disaboom, just because a few people disagreed with me. Thank you Johnoneleg for your support. Thanks Laurie and Leisl.

I was shocked at how I am thought to be deceptive and that there were "holes" in my story. In order for you to comment on anything about me, maybe you should go to my "site" and read my story and my blogs. This all happened three years ago and I am still having trouble dealing with the abandoment I feel. Liesl and Laurie are the only people who got what I was trying to say.

I titled the post wrong, I agree. Forgive me, I have never posted before. What I meant to say was "I need some advice." I am having a difficult time dealing with the abandonment issues I feel. I didn't "visciously attack" my MIL. I was in no position to do so. I was a wreck. Let's see you deal with major surgery - my abdomen was cut from the left to the right side and also down both legs. I was in ICU for four days. I was sick with ileus and just told I had cancer and a 50% percent chance to live. And please don't write and tell me 50% is better than nothing. Let's see you deal with being told that and think about your children, and not seeing them grow up to be men. 

My MIL did not do that much while I was in the hospital. She certainly did not clean. She ran a few errands and did some grocery shopping. As soon as I got home, everything stopped. My parents helped us, my sister and brother did also. But, for a year my MIL did NOTHING to help my family, not just me, she abandoned those precious children of mine too, her grandchildren.

And as far as her character goes, I should have mentioned this before. After I got sick, she went around town telling everyone that they did not go to Florida for the winter because they were helping to take care of me. Bull. They always leave for Florida in November and I got sick in January. They pull a trailer and my FIL is afraid to drive a trailer in the snow. Funny, they haven't gone to Florida since then, haven't gone for the past three winters. Hmm, I wonder if she was lying. My MIL is the most selfish person I know. I used to stick up for her over my husband. He is the one who used to run her down. They loaned us money several years ago and since then, my husband thinks they are wonderful. His sister is the favorite child. I think he is looking for their approval of him, something he has never gotten. He has never been good enough for them. I didn't believe this when we were first married, but now I do.

My husband and his parents do not want any kind of confrontation at all. I cannot go to her with this and ask her about it.

Iam and Tridog, there is nothing I can say to change your mind about this and I will not even try. You are both confrontational and judgemental. You are men, you know nothing about having to run a household, take care of kids and everything that goes along with that. I don't want to be sexist, but that is the way it is in my house. My husband worked full-time, rotating shift work. He took care of me. He cooked, took care of my "pot," took me to doctor appointments, changed my dressings when I first got home, cooked, took care of my cats and our dog, went to school meetings for my boys, on and on, for over a year. I think when a person in your family is ill and laid up for that long, members of that family, including in-laws, should help. She did not help my children, her grandchildren, at all. They had practices. needed haircuts, on and on. My in-laws live a mile from my house and not once did they offer to help us. You act as if I was asking her to clean my house. I did not. They did not help us at all. A year of all of this gets pretty tiring for caregivers. My parents took me to well over 40 doctor visits, in a town 20 miles away. This does not include all the tests I had to have either. You have no idea what a person has to do when they have CANCER.

You take one sentence I made in anger and vilify me with it, the nursing home remark. There is no sense saying anything more, because you have already formed an opinion, with knowing nothing about my situtation. I know life is not sugar-coated. I have been through hell and back. Read my story and see how easy I had it. You also act as if I did nothing and expected to be waited on for a year. I made easy meals and cleaned, all while using a walker on one leg. You cannot even imagine how difficult it is to walk on one leg. I had no balance at all. I was afraid to fall again. 

I never expected to be laid up for a year. Never even entered my mind. Complications just kept happening, MRSA really messed up things.

You also know nothing of my financial situation. I'm glad you can afford to pay someone to help you. I couldn't afford it. You expect home nursing to cook and clean? Get real. I could hardly get them to help me bathe in the beginning. I hope you ever get cancer. You wouldn't know how to deal with it, anyway. Not only did I have a disability, I had to have chemo on top of it. Try healing up from surgery with chemo. I'm glad your father built a house as an amputee. Good for him. Did he do it with an open wound big enough to put your fist in it and a wound vac hanging off of it? You make it sound like all amputees are the same. I guess we all have the same amount of amputation. Does he have 4 inches of leg left hanging below his knee? I'm not on a pity party here. I'm just stating the facts of my story.

And thanks Shelley for praising two of the worst offenders on this post, really classy.