Last post Wed, May 28 2008 6:18 PM by CNo64. 61 replies.
Hi Becky. I am pretty new to all of this, but your post, and the replies you recieved have evoked a response in methat I would like to share , and I hope will help I did not read all of the many, so please forgive me if I am repeating what others have said. First I want to say I am so sorry for how hard your situation is. If I were in your shoes I am sure I would feel the same or worse. No one can judge another's situation-even if they have been through something themselves. Maybe some others have it worse and maybe they don't. This is not a contest where the only person who gets to feel sorry for him/herself is the "winner", the one who is the very worst off! You can complain and blow off steam as much as you need to. (If others don't like it they don't have to read it! ) It is part of the healing process and everyone has to go through it at their own pace. I am sorry thet you feel attacked for speaking out. Some of the responses you got were not very compassionate, and if there is one thing every single one of us needs, it is compassion, especially when we are hurting. "Get over it, I have" or other "kick in the butt" types of messages are only helpful when someone gets "stuck" where they are at, and then it will only be heard if it is delivered compassionately. There is no way to tell from one post if someone has been stuck in a rut for a while. I am sure others who think they have been through what you have went through plenty of painful emotions, and did their own amount of bitching, too. If not then maybe they are saints. But if they are saints I don't think they would talk to you the way they have.
But even the very harsh responses you got may have some grain of truth that will help in the future, if you can get past their meanness. If not, then I hope for your peace of mind you can write them off as people who are acting out their own issues.
I was glad to see you acknowledge that your own harsh remarks were spoken from a place of anger and pain, and that you don't really mean them.(about rotting in a nursing home) That is probably what is going on with others when they are harsh, too. So I guess I am saying, I advise you not to take it to heart, if possible.
Sooner or later, you will find a way to adapt to the cooking situation one way or another (before you all starve to death, I hope!-lol) I have discovered the "delight" of frozen, microwave meals. I gave up (after a process) the guilt of no longer cooking delicious, nutritious, homemade meals for my children, and guess what! They didn't even notice or care. They did appreciate that I was a happier, less stressed, mom. You, your husband, and kid(s) will have to adjust expectations around your level of ability/disability based on what you feel you can and can't do. Some of that will have to be figured out through trial and error. This is still a source of emotional pain for me sometimes, when I can't live up my own desire to accomplish, or theirs. My kids resisted this sometimes, and even though I was "the one" suffering, I had to realize that what I was going through- they were going through "second hand" My loss of certain abilities was a loss to them, too. That meant they had their own anger, sadness, etc. I think it helped that I was able to sympathize with their feelings instead of reacting defensively against them.
The whole issue of when, how, or even if you should be expected to cook, will work out over time. It sounds like your mother-in-law will not be as much a part of the answer as you thought she would be. I know how much that can hurt, to be let down by others when you need them, and the confusion of not understanding why.
Since you did have such a close relationship I wonder why you haven't, tactfully, asked her about the change you perceive. Many possibilities have been suggested about why it may be, but only she can say for sure what is going on. She has her own burdens, needs, and wants that may not mesh with yours. If you can, try not to resent her cooking for others. Her club may not need it as badly as you do, but maybe she needs to do it for them, to keep her connection with them, and to show off her talents and abilities to others for the sense of worth it gives her. She may need the "oohs and ahs" she gets for doing it. Even of you were a gushing fountain of appreciation it would not be enough, because we all need to feel appreciated for who we are from different sources. You can not be the sole source of her self esteem.
One way of looking at this which may help is to see that feeling the loss of her support lets you see how much you do value what she did for you. Could you tell her that? Maybe you could say something like (in your own way, of course), "In case I have not told you before how very much I have needed what you've done for us, I want to make sure I tell you now, it really makes a difference. When you cook a meal for us it saves me from all kinds of mess and distress. With my medical condition I may not be able to do the kinds of things for you that I used to, things that you need done for you, but I can tell you this, I need the things you do for us and I am so very glad to have you in my life."
One last thing, Becky, and I am sorry if I am going on too long, but I really want to tell you this: although I am disabled and live in pain 24/7, I do not think I have it nearly "as bad as you" medically speaking. But I do wish I had a person in my life who I could talk to on the phone frequently jsut to share my life with, and who would do something for me, anything at all. I have 7 brothers and sisters who I cannot say abandoned us when I became disabled, because that would imply they had been there for us in the first place. But they never were there for me, or for anyone else. It is a mystery to me how anyone can be as uncaring as my family is, because I am so unlike that myself. I have made peace with it by accepting that it is just plain something I cannot change, and it is a cause for pain if I dwell on it. I know it is not personal because they are that way with everyone.I do not expect them to figure out what I need. I believe in asking for it. They have told me literally, "You are an adult. You should not need help. If you do, then that's your problem". I have asked for what I need from my church group, people who I expected to be compassionate because that is what we profess as our beliefs, but they need my compassion for how busy their lives are with ailing parents to take care of, deaths in their families, children and spouses with needs and expectations, demanding jobs, etc. I chalk it up to the age we live in. For me, there is no family to turn to, and little to hope for from friends and community. I get what I can from "the system", which I have problems with, but am also grateful for, because in past history and in poorer countries, people who were unable to do for themselves died quickly in poverty. I live in a country where our people care enough to donate a little bit of their paychecks every payday, in order for people like me to have at least the basics to live, and to have internet so I can connect up with others, or else I would be totally alone, except for my dog and God. (hey, those are mirror-image words-lol)
I hope my words have helped, and I have prayed for you to find answers, healing, and peace. I hope that helps too. Best wishes, and I hope to "see" you on Disaboom again. Take care! Jules
JellyO:First I want to say I am so sorry for how hard your situation is. If I were in your shoes I am sure I would feel the same or worse. No one can judge another's situation-even if they have been through something themselves. Maybe some others have it worse and maybe they don't. This is not a contest where the only person who gets to feel sorry for him/herself is the "winner", the one who is the very worst off! You can complain and blow off steam as much as you need to. (If others don't like it they don't have to read it! )
The thing is that Becky is the one who thinks she has got it worse than everybody.
I'm sure her situation is extreme, but I find it rather strange to go to a disability site and claim that NObody can imagine how hard she has got it.
There is nothing wrong with letting off steam. And nothing wrong with complaining that AB's don't understand the hardships. But to imply that nobody on this site knows anything about being disabled is just ridiculous.
She is the one who made this a contest. -Well, not really a contest, but a ranking, with herself right on top.
Daisies
no one really knows what we go thru but us. I think a lot of us can identify with your feelings. My situation is not as bad as yours, and as you read others stories you'll find others worse then yours. it somehow gives me a better perspective on my problems when i read about someone who is having so much harder than i. So, Welcome and remember, things will get better or worseor remsin about the same.Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.And as my dad use to say "it'll feel much better when it quits hurting" I can't read replies so my home e-mail is onthecanadian@itlnet.net. holler at me any time you want.
TriDog: But, she didn't ask for support. She asked for opinion. Sorry, but I believe she is being a spoiled brat expecting more from her mother in law and not from her husband or her own mother.
But, she didn't ask for support. She asked for opinion. Sorry, but I believe she is being a spoiled brat expecting more from her mother in law and not from her husband or her own mother.
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about: we don't know if the above statement is true because she never said she doesn't expect the same from her husband and mother. You're making a huge assumption there about something that really has little to do with her original question.
"It's not just about Obama is a young black man, and McCain is an old white guy."Shelley!
IamwhatIam: Liesl, What is the point of asking for someone's opinion when you don't really want it. First, I simply agreed with her when she was asking if she was acting like a spoiled brat. Becky came here of her free will and told her story and asked for an opinion. I believe her mother-in-law deserves the benefit of the doubt. She was viciously attacked, and she deserves someone to defend her too.
Liesl, What is the point of asking for someone's opinion when you don't really want it. First, I simply agreed with her when she was asking if she was acting like a spoiled brat. Becky came here of her free will and told her story and asked for an opinion. I believe her mother-in-law deserves the benefit of the doubt. She was viciously attacked, and she deserves someone to defend her too.
Why? her mother in law isn't here, as far as we know. Why would you even need to defend someone who doesn't have a vested interest in this thread because she is not a participant?
IamwhatIam: You would rather I ignore my response to her, rather than be honest? What type of board would this be without open dialogue? Do you just want sweetness and light? That is not real life, I am afraid. If that is the type of phoniness that is wanted on this board, there will be the Pollyannas that will stick around, but those who really need honest information and support will soon tire of the shallowness and find a place where they can be themselves. Life is not a Harlequin novel, and it doesn't always have a happy ending.
You would rather I ignore my response to her, rather than be honest? What type of board would this be without open dialogue? Do you just want sweetness and light? That is not real life, I am afraid. If that is the type of phoniness that is wanted on this board, there will be the Pollyannas that will stick around, but those who really need honest information and support will soon tire of the shallowness and find a place where they can be themselves. Life is not a Harlequin novel, and it doesn't always have a happy ending.
I never indicated any of the above paragraph. You are reading into my response as you read into the OP's post. There is a HUGE difference between giving someone a reasoned, compassionate response, even when you think they're behaving badly and just rupping someone a new one, insulting them, etc. Believe me, I know; I used to be ALL about "calling people on their b.s." In the end, it does no good and just spreads a little more emnity around.
IamwhatIam: Me stating the facts of my personal situation was , indeed, not appropriate, and I do not begrudge anyone who has more function than I do, but I do lose patience when someone who can move, breathe, eat and speak, tells me that I don't know how bad she has it. I have staff that do everything for me. I don't have to lift a finger, even if I could. If Becky would like to change places with me, I would be thrilled to have to hop around on one leg, cooking a meal. If she wants to complain, that is fine with me, but don't tell me I don't know.
Me stating the facts of my personal situation was , indeed, not appropriate, and I do not begrudge anyone who has more function than I do, but I do lose patience when someone who can move, breathe, eat and speak, tells me that I don't know how bad she has it. I have staff that do everything for me. I don't have to lift a finger, even if I could. If Becky would like to change places with me, I would be thrilled to have to hop around on one leg, cooking a meal. If she wants to complain, that is fine with me, but don't tell me I don't know.
I get that you're frustrated with someone who doesn't have the challenges (putting it lightly) you have. I don't blame you one bit. There's no question that people thinking they have it harder than everyone else is one of the more frustrating parts of life. I know your response was emotional, and I get that, too.
Becky: I was in ICU for four days. I was sick with ileus and just told I had cancer and a 50% percent chance to live. And please don't write and tell me 50% is better than nothing. Let's see you deal with being told that and think about your children, and not seeing them grow up to be men. You have no idea what a person has to do when they have CANCER. And thanks Shelley for praising two of the worst offenders on this post, really classy.
I was in ICU for four days. I was sick with ileus and just told I had cancer and a 50% percent chance to live. And please don't write and tell me 50% is better than nothing. Let's see you deal with being told that and think about your children, and not seeing them grow up to be men.
You have no idea what a person has to do when they have CANCER.
And thanks Shelley for praising two of the worst offenders on this post, really classy.
OK, now I have to take issue with one of your posts, Becky. You're on a site devoted to people with disabilities, so assuming that people haven't been through what you've been through and worse is not the wisest move. If you read any of IamwhatIam's story you'd see that he does indeed know what it's like to have very, very serious disability. In the end, does it matter? No one can understand what others go through, nor she we expect them to. That's just not the issue.
Also? the comment about Shelley was unnecessary. She was trying to let everyone know she appreciated their comments and valued their opinions. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, it is a kind and generous thing to do.
Liesl:See, this is exactly what I'm talking about: we don't know if the above statement is true because she never said she doesn't expect the same from her husband and mother. You're making a huge assumption there about something that really has little to do with her original question.
Well, let's break it down... 1. Title of the thread "I need your opinion". I gave mine. 2. Maybe I could be wrong about her husband and mother, but again, it was my opinion. Seems to sum it up. My work is done here.
hi becky- my son is a t-3 para as of 2003- i stayed at the hospital with him daily for 5 months 8-12 hours a day then he went to the next hospital and i went 2 x's a week for a month. then he came home to complete bed rest for over a year while a sacral bed sore healed. during this time he went ,in a prone position, in an ambulance, three times a week or more ...120 miles to the hospital for outpatient care; in a body brace with a chin support because he couldn't hold up his head. then he had wound surgery and he begged me to take him home before he was ready, and i didn't. then six months later he had his back surgery so he could sit up again for the 1st time in two years. i cared for him daily... he was 25 and i was 51. i physically removed impacted fecal matter for him, i cath'ed him, i did his wound care; and when the professionals told me it was time- i helped him get his own place to live. he has invited me over 3 times in two years. i has aides to do the nasty things now, and he is trying so hard to LIVE... he is 29 now... he is doing as well as he can; he has fallen, he has been ill, he has had a lot of troubles... but he is doing it !! nobody in my family has built a ramp so he can visit, nobody visits him, or calls him any more. but he is trying to be as normal as a t-3 para can be, and i am proud of him. i am sure that everyone in your life is holding their breath
like i do with my son, whom i love as much as humanly possible. everyone is waiting for you to come to some acceptance and love of your life; as tough as it is, and begin anew with the limitations that you now have, and to watch your children's sports, clean nd cook, and make love to your hubby, and realize that life is ... whatever you make of it..
I think you are going off the deep end. Forgiveness is the greatest feeling in the world. These people have loved you for years and your upset over dinner? I am facing Radiation OR an amputation and am very curious about your story. You may be someone who can help me.
However, I have to say I think your in the wrong on this as a total stranger. I appreciate the help I get on crutches, but the day you start acting like an amputee or disabled (on crutches) what have you is the day you are disabled. Did you ask if she could help cook? Its amazing how beautiful communication can be.
God Bless and I hope your situation works out!
Adam
Liesl, I never in a million years meant to imply that I had it worse than others, ever. I know that is not true. I have been a nurse for 30 years and I have seen many, many things, kids dying from cystic fibrosis, people with cancer, I could go on and on. I know I do not have it worse than others. What I meant to imply was that when I said I was in the ICU for four days was mainly meant to tell IAM that I was in no condition to say anything untoward or otherwise to my in-laws. I meant to say that I was really sick and reeling from the news that I had cancer. That was a typo, I left out the "N." I would never wish cancer on someone. I've been a nurse and caretaker for my entire adult life. I am not assuming, nor would I ever assume that I have been through more or experienced more than any one else. Both of my parents have had cancer, my dad had bladder cancer and lost 1/3 of his bladder when I was age 12 and my mother when I was 30. Would I wish that on anyone? If you think so, you don't know me,.
My basic premise here is that they abandoned me and I cannot forgive them for it. I thought I meant something more to them and I feel lied to. I feel like I can never trust them again to have my best interest at heart, to really care about me.
I am being pleasant to them. I talk to my MIL regularly. I just had them over for Easter dinner. I know I am not their daughter, but I am not just a piece of crap either. I have known them for over 27 years and married to their son for 25 years. All I wanted was a little support.
Also, never in a million years would I have jumped on some of you like you have jumped on me. Nice welcome. I was raised on the Golden Rule. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Some of you have been so nice and others very meanspirited. Some of you don't even believe what I am saying. This is not worth the pain and anguish you have caused me. I have had trouble sleeping, I've been so upset.
We are human beings here, not animals out to get one another or compete with each other. I am sorry I ever asked for help.
Thank you JellyO for your kind words.
My basic premise here is that they abandoned me and I cannot forgive them for it. I thought I meant something more to them and I feel lied to. I feel like I can never trust them again to have my best interest at heart, to really care about me. __________________________________________________________Becky you are very selfish, and your mad because you didn't get your way. Lets be honest here. Waaa Waaa Waaaa it's all about Becky and my mother-in-law ditched me waaa waaa waaa. If you can't forgive some one it will only harm you. You think your mother-in-law is sitting at home bitching. You probably do mean something to them but that doesn't mean they are your servants forever. You are responsible for having your best interest at heart. Don't put that off on some one else.
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I have been a nurse for 30 years and I have seen many, many things, kids dying from cystic fibrosis, people with cancer, I could go on and on. _______________________________________________________________Blah Blah again you don't need to be a nurse to see pain, illness, and death, nurses and doctors are trained to do a job and know more then their patients but the patients to me are the ones who get to know every minute detail about their illness or disability. Most study, research, want to know as much as they can.
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I was raised on the Golden Rule. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Some of you have been so nice and others very meanspirited.________________________________________________________________Are you high? You must be. You had support, you got opinions, you got advice, you got listened to. You have gone after Daisies from day one. Beaker, Iam, TriDog, so look in the mirror and take some responsibility. Did you want us all to come on this thread and write to you, "oh you poor poor woman I'm so sorry your mother in law is a terrible woman and she should be your slave" that will never happen until pigs fart pixie dust. You went at me because I like those you don't like. I've always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, and see both sides, we have a brain and we question you because it seems fishy. Do you realise at your mother-in-laws age that these little petty things don't even come into mind. She's probably wanting as much time as she can. At her age most friends and those she knows starts dying, and then your left with feeling lonely. I know it happened to my nana and she was 87. You had her help for a long time but you can't even look at that and be thankful, your wanting to point fingers and blame.__________________________________________________________________
This is not worth the pain and anguish you have caused me. I have had trouble sleeping, I've been so upset. We are human beings here, not animals out to get one another or compete with each other. I am sorry I ever asked for help.
___________________________________________________________________Again waaa waaa waaa should we call you a waaambulance. You point fingers and place blame without taking any responsibility for your acions and going after people. You think your the only one who has trouble sleeping? Think again. As far as compete with one another you have said from the minute you posted about how bad you've had it and how we don't understand, I'm sorry I asked for help is another poor me lets have Becky play the victim. When you become a survivor your outlook on life and how you approach everything changes. Victims want the poor me, feel sorry for me, you don't understand, listen to me for the 100th time tell the same thing. When your a survivor you become strong on your own two feet. When your a survivor your proud of what you do even on your worst day. Being a survivor is taking the worst possible thing and making yourself able to cope so you can go on with your life. When your a survivor you have self reflection and you stop blaming and take responsibilty. You are stuck on being a victim. I think you owe an apology especially to Daisies. I doubt you will. Don't post on here if you dont want feedback.
Becky: thank for the clarification. I can see why you're hurt and feel abandoned. Honestly, being sick, having these things happen causes grief that is just as difficult to process as the death of a loved one. Have you ever considered grief counseling?
Edited because I hit post too soon: I think your perception might be colored by the grief you're feeling over your illness and loss. Maybe it's time to focus on how to make your life better, regardless of what other people say or do? I've been where you are when a group of former friends did some not so nice things to me; it hurts a lot, I know. I also know these things can leave permanent scars. It just takes time, but it should be meaningful time spent trying to find the answer out of the pain. Well, that's what I think, anyway.
Thank you Liesl, Laurie, Terry Lou, AnimalLover, JellyO, epylar. Your kind comments were thoughtful and appreciated.
Iam, Tridog, beakerless and Shelley, you all managed to tear apart my problem and take everything out of context. Thanks for being so nit-picky and thoughtless. You called me a thoughtless liar, in so many words, an uncaring selfish bitch, I guess eh? I would not want to be like any of you people in any way. You are sad, sick and mean individuals.
I thought we were supposed to support each other here. I guess not. Being mean as you can be is no way to go through life. You may live that way, but I do not. Good luck with that. You all need to grown up.
You have ruined this site for me and tarnished the image for me of what I thought was a good place to be, a place that understood me, because I was disabled, like the rest of you. I have cleared out my profile and I will never come back.
Good luck being a "true survivor" beakerless. See how far you get being as mean as you can be. If that is what it takes to be a "true survivor," I will pass and just go being the plain old survivor that I am and continue with the positive attitude that has kept me cancer free for three years.
Now you can all feel free to go and pick on someone else. I'm sure your next victim is just waiting to hear your comment.
Becky,
You just don't get it. I looked up "Opinion" for you.
OPINION:n[uh-pin-yuhn]
a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
This is what you asked for. Then you cry because you don't like the opinion you got. If you had asked for us to support you in your anger towards your MIL, I wouldn't have said anything.
I really do hope you seek out some prefessional help. Unless of course you are happy being angry at the world. Good luck and all the best in whatever course you take in life.
TriDog I couldn't have said it better myself.Becky we never called you any of that, you wrote it.
Opinions are like assess every one has one.
I think you dislike us because we are making you look at yourself and your not seeing what you like back.
