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Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 5:18 PM

Posted by: Justin DeCastro Posts: 598

I suppose we all have our issues at one point or another where we wonder if our disabilities make us unattractive to otherwise potential dates, potential new boy/girlfriends, potential life partners.

I've been in a number of disability discussion groups where people recoiled from the topic as if it were just too hot to handle, which is understandable, as it must be a very deeply sensitive issue for some to so much as ponder on their own, worse yet in public.  It seems especially difficult for people to speak from the "I" or first-person and perhaps easier to talk about it in the second or third person.

I had thought that most people with disabilities in due course grew out of this questioning-one's-attractiveness stage, but I keep running into adult PWDs who admit it's still a major ordeal in their lives and that they suffer grief, if not long-term depression, from how they think others "see" them and how they think of themselves.

Okay, we all know the platitudes and drills about self-affirmations and the generalizations that "everybody's beautiful in their own way" , etc., etc., but I'd like to hear folks discuss this candidly and courageously without all the polyanna stuff.  To some extent, that "stuff" often serves as denial that one questions his/her attractiveness due to disability.

Does your disability make you feel unattractive and thus "rejectable" by potential sexual/romantic interests?

If it were not for your disability, would you otherwise feel attractive to yourself and others?

 
Any brave souls wanna comment?

Justin
 

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 5:58 PM

Posted by: Spinner Posts: 37

I cannot respond in the first person, but I feel compelled to respond.  The love of my life if a C5 quadriplegic.  Did his disability make him unattractive to me?  No.  I do however, think that it makes him self-concious and it took me a while to help him understand that disability or no, he is my other half, the love of my life and I will be with him no matter what.  I am going to have to ask him if it makes him feel unattractive or less lovable, but to me he is Superman - quite simply the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life.  (FYI, I am in my 40's so I do have a bit of a life behind me.) 

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:21 PM

Posted by: Lieslmcq Posts: 2,303

Interesting topic. My response? yes. You just know that people see disability first. "Oh he/she would be so attractive if it weren't for the ___." Not everyone feels that way, and some may not even realize it, but I think it's a part of our society.

Back in 1990 or so when I was in a sorority, I remember there was a girl who went through rush (the way you go about getting chosen for a sorority or fraternity for those who don't know) who had a disability. I don't know what it was, something that made one leg shorter than the other, and she walked with a pronounced limp. One of my "sisters" went up to another sister after the first rush party and asked her what she had talked to that girl about, as if it was so scandalous. I think that kind of thinking is still a big part of our culture. 

It could also be that people see utility in future mates. I mean, if I wasn't married I wouldn't date someone else who is disabled unless they could also be a caregiver, and vice versa. Perhaps people see disability and think, though unconsciously, I don't want to take care of them. 

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:27 PM

Posted by: cudachaser Posts: 1,485

 It's all how you present your self. You have to be well kept...neat stylish attire, clean etc...but then then present yourself. I'm a scuba instructor, my customers quickly do ignnore my crutches after I toss few scuba tanks around and see me in the water...I actively participate in the rescue part of class. Keeps me in shape plus builds their confidence of my abilities to keep them alive. Other than climb I'm just as abled as anyone else

Joe 

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:32 PM

Posted by: Kara Posts: 2,287

I'm feeling brave!

First though, I don't think all the positive self-statements you mentioned are necessarily denial or not at times true for all of us..if we believe feeling attractive WITH our disabilities is denial AND we believe that NOT feeling attractive with our disabilities is having a low self-esteem or not being secure with outselves..so it kind of leaves us with no good options you know?

I think I do see what you mean though...you are looking for our honest answers about when we do feel unattractive...so here goes....

For me it happens when i find some look/clothing item/etc. that I find sexy or attractive and it fits my style BUT it won't work for me because of some aspect of my disability. It's that split second between me liking something and realizing it won't work....it's disappointing more than anything I guess.

It really depends on my mood but sometimes my arm bowing bugs me and other times my differing curves due to OI...so sometimes i do feel unattractive other times I feel differently about my features. 

Disaboom moderator


My personal blog: If the World Had Wheels

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:35 PM

Posted by: Nightengale Posts: 673

As usual I am going to stick in my 2c here.

We do not "all" have issues wondering if disabilty makes us unattractive to otherwise potential dates.  Because we do not "all" have any interest in dating, disability notwithstanding.  At age 31 it has never occured to me to date.  So I don't have to worry about what potential dates think about my attractiveness.  Sometimes I think I am fortunate this way but mostly I just think - well that's how it is without it being a good thing or a bad thing.  While most people without disabilies are not asexual or aromantic, a few of us are.  Just like a few people without disabilities are also.

I also don't have any real sense of beauty or attractiveness in others.  I know what I like to wear and how I like my hair to be arranged.  But I have no sense of what others consider beautiful except what people have told me directly or I have read in books.  So I guess to me everyone is beautiful in his or her own way, which isn't Pollyannaish, it's just oblivion.  Flowers are pretty.  Long dresses with lace and ribbons are often pretty.  I have no idea if a person is pretty. 

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:49 PM

Posted by: Daisies1 Posts: 0

Frankly, I always was such a truly unremarkable little thing. Nobody ever took notice of me. I could go to a party, have a good time with my friend, and leave again without having talked to anybody.

But ever since I'm in a chair, people always take notice of me. They even recall my name.

I don't go out, and I never date, so I don't really care, but it is hard to feel less attractive with so much attention.

Daisies

Posted on: Tue, Apr 15 2008 6:58 PM

Posted by: Telula68 Posts: 13

I think that if someone is cool and you connect with them a disability isn't important. I mean depending on what your looking for of course. If I was attracted to someone and that peron was someone I had a connection with and they with me then who cares. I have a few disabilities and to tell you the honest truth...I'm pretty convinced that it will cause me to be alone. I feel unattractive to myself and i guess there is some time when I am supposed to accept it but each time I think I have accepted it...I get worse. My depression is so bad and the fibro pain is at an all time high. I am very upset that i am wasting time and not getting anything at all done. I think that is unattractive because the one thing I have is my tenacity and it seems that's going to the crapper too. Its not about giving up, etc..its just that I personally can't accept that I am forced to be lazy. As for the topic at hand. I know that if I ever do feel like I want to have a relationship I will feel very apprehensive about disclosing the truth about my disabilities cuz after all...I don't LOOK sick!  My last boyfriend didnt get it!! When he had a hangnail the world had to stop but I was expected to be happy and smiling all the time si I guess it made me unattractive to him.