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Posted on: Sun, Jun 22 2008 5:26 PM

Posted by: lildreamer Posts: 5

   After reading several of the posts, I feel I need to throw in my 2 cents worth! I grew up feeling like I had the plague or something. I had a limp as a child, wore glasses, and was extremely shy. I concidered myself very unattractive. After all, I didn't see me as "Normal" . Kids teased me at school. After i grew up a bit, about 40 years later (ha)I had begun to find myself and lose the self-doubt. Then at 50, I had the wreck that changed this part of my life. I went through 14 months off work, not able to do a lot for myself, but never depressed. I am alive! Now I figure if someone wants to look at me as  "unattractive" because i havea severe limp sometimes, a crooked leg, or that I am using a cane, it is their own problem. My mind, heart, and soul are as perfect as theirs. Maybe moreso because they are crippled in their thinking if they think they are better than me or you !

Grandma always told me to never laugh about anybody's troubles or else you would have worst troubles. My husband's friend told him when we met that he should drop me. That he didn't need a "cripple". Now, 7 years later, this man has had a stroke, and has problems controlling facial muscles. I guess he did not realize we cannot always control what happens to us. But it does not have to change our personallity or our outlook on life. His situation has madehim bitter. Mine has not!

Life goes on!

Mickey

Posted on: Mon, Jun 23 2008 11:30 AM

Posted by: wazabiker Posts: 395

Reverse the question.  Does my disability make me attractive?  I'll have to say that I get more attention as a PWD, not that I'm searching for a relationship--married 48 years.  Visable disabilities, because we are not socially/professionally mainstreamed, do attract stares and possibly discomfort in social or professional situations.  I do my best to make nondisabled folks feel at ease when with me.  For sure I don't pummel them with problems connected to my disabiliaty, except when asked.  Around other PWDs I am completely open with my disability and encounter frank, honest and serious discussions about diability.  I am very comfortable being with people who loook like me.  That's why I am on this site.

Posted on: Mon, Jun 23 2008 5:30 PM

Posted by: dita Posts: 4

Justin DeCastro:

Does your disability make you feel unattractive and thus "rejectable" by potential sexual/romantic interests?

 

If it were not for your disability, would you otherwise feel attractive to yourself and others?

 short answers: yes and yes.

i believe that a disabled men's perceptions may be worse than a disabled women due to the anthropological need of the man to be the caretaker.  if he is less able to fulfill (or feels he is less able) that traditional role, he may view himself as less attractive. the truth is women tend to be less judgemental and more patient and understanding. 

i believe it is more difficult for women in actuality because men are so visually oriented.  the standards that society sets for women are much higher. those people magazine covers with pictures of actress's cellulite are a good example.  when have they ever done a potbelly male expose? i think back to the movie shallow hal where the self help guy is asking hal if he would prefer a woman with half a brain or one breast and  his response was " is it a really big breast?"  i remember thinking "yep, sounds about right"

As for me personally, i've had enough rejection to know it is better for me to avoid all of it.  I think it is a combination of the actual nature of my disability and my discomfort in my own skin.

Posted on: Tue, Jun 24 2008 11:12 AM

Posted by: wazabiker Posts: 395

Dita, perhaps you are, as the country songs says, "Looking For Love In all The Wrong Places."  I enjoy the company of people who look like me.  PWDs have the ability to see beyond the disability and into the heart and soul.  If you're being rejected because of your disability, you are most likely with the wrong crowd.

Posted on: Tue, Jun 24 2008 4:07 PM

Posted by: Spinner Posts: 37

wazabiker:

Dita, perhaps you are, as the country songs says, "Looking For Love In all The Wrong Places."  I enjoy the company of people who look like me.  PWDs have the ability to see beyond the disability and into the heart and soul.  If you're being rejected because of your disability, you are most likely with the wrong crowd.

As an able bodied person dating a man with a disability, I have to chime in.  Although I do not have a disability, I believe I am more than capable of seeing beyond his disability.  I hope I don't sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, but there are plenty of able bodied people who feel the same way.  Although I agree with Wazabiker, about not wanting to hang out with people who shun you solely because of your physical status, one does not have to hang out with people who look like them as the only way to find acceptance.  Disability or no disability, this man is the love of my life.  I am more attracted to him physically, emotionally, intellectually, and yes sexually, than any other man I have ever dated.  His disability does NOT make him unattractive - not in the least.  

Here's a silly story that kind of goes along with this post.  This morning I was sitting in his lap in his van, I happened to look out the front window and noticed we were in a handicapped spot, for a second I wondered why we were parked there.  Mind you, he was in his chair at the time.   He's my man, nothing more, nothing less, I never think of him as my "disabled man" nor do I think of myself as his able bodied partner.    

Posted on: Tue, Jun 24 2008 10:21 PM

Posted by: dita Posts: 4

i was answering just the general question in the post's title in reference to society in general and the broad term of attractiveness. for the broader question of  "do disabilities make one unattractive" the answer is not as simple as  "xyz likes me the way i am." or "i like xyz the way he is." all i was saying was that for society at large ( not anecdotal incidents) certain things are deal breakers, and whether we care to admit it or not, physical or mental capacity are included.  to say that people are "the wrong sort of people" just because they have deal breakers isn't fair, because everyone has them and when you are first getting to know someone, it is easier to walk away from those things that you don't really want to deal with.  i have gotten to know guys really well, but after finding out about certain aspects about me, they don't want to really date me, which is their right as a human being.  it doesn't make them "the wrong sort of person."  now does that make it hurt any less? no. and that is what i meant by saying i have experienced enough rejection to know it is best for me to avoid it all right now.  i didn't mean to come off as a defeatist, but i am more of a realist.  considering what i am trying to accomplish in my life right now, i just don't need  the stress or the distraction.

Posted on: Tue, Jun 24 2008 11:14 PM

Posted by: DSB Posts: 767

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I will make a stab at this and tend to agree with a few comments. I do not think you can throw out a disability as an unattractive thing anymore then you can say a zit on your face or say the color of your hair.

Truly it is in how you present yourself and how you view any short fall you may have. I am a spinal cord injury and spinal stenosis now that comes with age and maybe my old accident.

Has both things slowed me yes hampered my view of myself nope then again I also have age against me being over 50 and the answer is still no. I still meet people make friends, and have been called cute in bars and if you think it is hard up women wrong again they are women that know who and what they like or wish to know.

The question is not unlike any a young person would really have how to be attractive for others older that is not a question on the radar of most. It’s an issue with you and there is not a pat answer you will meet people that will see you as a person first any hardware as a second thought that comes with maturity usually.

So all in all has it hampered me my answer is no it has not I am out there in my community using what ever tool I must be it a chair a Segway or my cane and I’ve no chip on my shoulder thinks I got a raw deal in life but just become myself and some how people seem not to notice my gimps but talk to the person.

Posted on: Wed, Jun 25 2008 5:32 AM

Posted by: sherilynnandawnasmom Posts: 9

 This is an extremely deep rooted issue with a lot people with "issues" out there. I congratulate you for bring it to light. This topic I think ranks right up there with people with SB {Spina Bifida which I have} and openly discussing all the little embarrassing tidbits that go along with the disability. The time frame in which I did most of my growing was during the 1980's. A time in which it was not ok to be out in public let alone get any feedback from society that was positive especially when it came down to appearance. Ergo I now have serious image problems. I have been married for 11 years and I still find myself doubting him when he says im attractive especially now I've had 2 babies and gained #$$%# amount of weight.I honestly think the disability has atleast 90% to do with the feelings of not being attractive. Up until high school I got ignored and picked on. In high school I had lots of guy friends but all were afraid of the disability and what it entailed, which made for no dating.