Last post Sat, May 17 2008 1:59 PM by RainbowJo2007. 22 replies.
I'm 38 yr old and have been considered disabled/handicapped for years. Actually technically it could be considered from birth, though I was only diagnosed recently. I wear hearing aids, can barely walk due to severe arthritis, knee injury and not healing fully from broken bones a few yrs ago. I also had a neuropsychologist diagnosed right and frontal lobe brain damage most likely from the lightning strike I survived in 1995 and/or the concussion from taekwondo class. Also chronic pain and neuropathy from Lyme disease, a rare autoimmune illness called CREST Syndrome, asthma and MCS. Oh and I also have mild Aspergers, ADD & OCD. I feel like God's punching bag sometimes.
Here's the thing my parents, particularly my dad look down on anyone who admits to having any health issues as if it were a sign of moral weakness. Most of the time when I mention a medical condition, test or treatment he will not speak of it. Despite all the problems I managed to stay employed for 15 yrs straight and just recently got laid off from a job I had for the past 9, almost 10 years. I am now having problems finding suitable employment because I can't walk much or hear well. I started at a new place and I feel they are discriminating against me, so I want to quit and look elsewhere. (I just had another interview today). My dad was so angry at me for bringing up I am disabled & that I cannot physically endure this new job while I was on the phone with him that he abruptly ended the call.
Does anyone have advice on how to make people, particularly family understand I am disabled and not a 'slacker'? I'm not even on SSI though I was told I could probably get them. I would rather work; I just need a desk job like I had before that doesn't involve lifting and lots of walking. I feel so upset and hurt that my family doesn't even believe I have the problems I do. I live alone, I have no one to help me aside from my occupational therapist and a Voc Rehab counselor. My family is 2000 miles away.
thats not right but i really do not know how to answer this in a civil nice way because i have absolutely nothing good to say to somone or about somone who is so closed minded about somone especially familys situations or anyones for that matter all i can say is have a serious heart to heart with him if your in your 30s then more than likely if your looking him in the face works better than over the phone) then he might listen sometimes you really have to rattle somones cage even anger them to get them to listen or open up about a problem, best of luck.
Looks like your dad doesn't respect you and is close minded.
Ask to sit down with him to discuss this. If he respects you as his son or daughter, he will do so. Explain to him that being disabled is a natural thing. You are not less of a person cause of disability. What will happen if he becomes disabled? Will he be less of a person?
Of course, it's up to him to make that decision to love and respect you as his kid. You can only do so much.
I'm sorry for all of your troubles. Could it be that your father may be feeling some guilt or fear about your situation and, when you ask him to discuss it, it reminds him of those feelings? Something is making him want to block out those feelings and he just doesn't want to deal with them. Maybe it just hurts him too badly to have to think of your disability. I think there is something more to this, but I may be wrong there too.
No matter what is making him feel this way, I agree you need to sit down with him to discuss this. You may have to talk with him about it in small amounts on several occasions to eventually get your message across. Reassure him that you are okay, but that you do need some help from time to time. You may never be able to change his mind though. I hope so, for your sake. Hang in there.
Becky
Hi Becky... I think you may be right that there is something more to his reaction. For one I know he feels guilty that he used to smoke around me when I was a kid and now I have asthma. But part of it is I'm sure that I have had a weird life of multiple accidents some of which I never told him about or I told him and he didn't believe. I never told him I got a concussion in taekwondo in my 20's because he always thought I was stupid studying it especially after I kept getting broken bones from it. Another thing is he didn't believe me when I told him I had been struck by lightning because he insisted I wouldn't still be alive if I had gotten hit. However 9 out of 10 people hit by lightning live to tell the tale. As the years went by I saw my health dwindling away mysteriously, then I read an article about a guy struck by lightning that had the same symptoms as I do. So I approached doctors about it then I eventually was sent to a neuropsychologist who gave me six hours of tests that she said show I have brain damage and neuropathy that most likely could only be caused by lightning. I've fallen several times since and broken bones and I think that is related to the neuropathy and not being able to "sense" what my feet are doing. So maybe my dad feels guilt, or disbelief. I am his only child since my twin brother died at birth so he has always been protective of me. But what he truly feels I do not know because he has never been one to show emotion. He sends me money from time to time but I think my stepmom makes him do this. I can't do a face to face talk with him because I don't have the vacation time saved up now to fly back East to see him for probably another year.
Kick dad to the curb. Stop worrying about what Dad thinks. It's time to grow up. You don't need his approval of anything. You're an adult. Just live your life as best you can and be happy.
The only person's approval you need is yours.
I have to agree with TriDog. It's time to let Dad deal with his problem and feelings on his own (he's a big boy, he can do it), and for you to live your life for yourself.
Best to you -
I don't think that parents really understand about the disability. My dad is a very judgmental person who thinks that because I have CP I can't work. I have been told my whole life that I need to be on SSI I have been applying for nine years and still haven't been approved. I know one reason is because I have a colege degree. I am a pretty smart person but I don't think my dad will ever realize that. You just need to do what you want to do because you are not going to change your dad, just like I can't change mine..
sounds like dad needs more help then you do ! at some point in life we all become disabled one way or another ! rainey
Tickmeister: Does anyone have advice on how to make people, particularly family understand I am disabled and not a 'slacker'?
Does anyone have advice on how to make people, particularly family understand I am disabled and not a 'slacker'?
I may be wrong, but it sounds like your father has a very sore spot where you're concerned.
Do you think that he somehow thinks it's a bad reflection on him because you're not Rambo?On the practical side, since you need income(Who doesn't?) and you want to earn it(hardly the symptom of a "slacker"), I wonder if there's something you could do entirely from a computer terminal, possibly even at home. You might require some specialized training, but you seem like you could handle that fine.
This website might give you some ideas about your options:
www.disabilityinfo.gov
There's no shame in being disabled, as long as you don't just lie down and quit, and you clearly haven't done that.
If I, a complete stranger, can see that, but your family doesn't, it's most likely that they don't want to, for some reason. I know it's hard when you don't get emotional support from your own family, but that's their failure, not yours. If I were you, I wouldn't expect much from them. You're a survivor; don't ever lose sight of that reality.
I wish you the very best.
Please keep us posted.
carla N.
RainbowJo2007:My dad is a very judgmental person who thinks that because I have CP I can't work. I have been told my whole life that I need to be on SSI I have been applying for nine years and still haven't been approved. I know one reason is because I have a colege degree. I am a pretty smart person but I don't think my dad will ever realize that.
Why are you applying for SSI? You said yourself, you have a college degree and a pretty smart person. Are you going to or at least looking for work? You did get the degree to assist with employment. Right?
I'm not being mean. Just trying to better understand your situation.
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD IS THE ONE WHO IS DISABALED FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING HE NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH AND OPEN HIS HEART. ALL YOU CAN DO IS PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD DONT LOOK AT YOUR DISABILLITIES AS BEING GODS PUNCHING BAG BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU THAT IS WHY HE DIED FOR US. IF YOU TURN TO GOD AND TRUST HIM HE WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION AND REMIND YOU THAT HE DOES LOVE YOU AND DOES BELEIVE YOU WHEN EVEN NOBODY ELSE DOES EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILLY.
GOD BLESS YOU
JEFF2101:SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD IS THE ONE WHO IS DISABALED FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING HE NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH AND OPEN HIS HEART. ALL YOU CAN DO IS PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD DONT LOOK AT YOUR DISABILLITIES AS BEING GODS PUNCHING BAG BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU THAT IS WHY HE DIED FOR US. IF YOU TURN TO GOD AND TRUST HIM HE WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION AND REMIND YOU THAT HE DOES LOVE YOU AND DOES BELEIVE YOU WHEN EVEN NOBODY ELSE DOES EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILLY.
Pretty good advice Jeff, But I would say to have faith in himself and his abilities.
But that's my opinion.
I would also like to encourage you to continue to look for work that is appropriate, as have others, and learn that your Father has some VERY BIG problems of his own. I wrote a blog on this subject, wherein I discussed how difficult it can be for family members to accept disability within their own nest. The fear of seeing someone they love hurting, the guilt they may feel for somehow being responsible, the discomfort they may feel that they will end up becoming financially responsible and/or caring for the person, their own insecurity about how this reflects on their own self-image--all these can play a part.
I am not so sure that talking things over with your Father will help, although it can't really hurt. The thing is, don't put your own self worth into his valuation of you or your efforts, move on, and let him deal with it. He will or he won't. Eventually, he will or will not realize that it is his loss regarding the intimacy he could be sharing with his son.
Value yourself by your own standards, look, as others have said, to God for the love you seek, and go on with your life. You are very courageous--just keep at it. My very warmest wishes. Bonnie
I agree with everyone who says it's your dad's problem, not yours. Unfortunately, you won't change his mind. It's time for you to live for yourself and not waste precious time or energy on him. Keep contact with your step-mom if you wish, but you can't force your father to change his mind or his ways. He sounds like a very small-minded person.
Can you find any support groups in your local area for lightning strike survivors? I agree with you (although I don't know the statistics) that more lightning strike victims survive than die. Here in FL, it's the lightning strike capital of the world and during the summer, it's not uncommon to hear news stories once a week or more of people getting hit and surviving.
Good luck.
