Last post Sat, May 17 2008 1:59 PM by RainbowJo2007. 22 replies.
It definitely seems like a difficult task to get your father to be more understanding and I know it's easier said than done to just "forget about what he thinks"....it matters what our parents think no matter what age we are-that's not a sign of immaturity but just the degree we value our families.
At the same time, you do have to look at your role in this situation that might be making it worse...you mentioned a few things that you haven't been honest with your dad about. You gave good reasons (like he might not believe you or had told you not to do it) but the fact remains that you could bring a little more honesty to the relationship and it may or may not help.....Given his past reactions we can't expect too much but at least you could feel like he had all the information that you have about your conditions/injuries. It's not good for any relationship to be built on a foundation of lies....but I do totally get why it's not the easiest thing to tell him the truth!
Just a thought! Good luck-this is a really hard situation and I wish you the best.
There have been a lot of good responses here. I guess I was trying to understand your father's reaction. Don't worry about his reaction. Unfortunately, he sounds like a person whose opinions will not change, no matter what you say. Forget him. Live for yourself and get beyond his approval. Sounds like he will never give it. Good luck to you.
Becky
KaraSwims: I know it's easier said than done to just "forget about what he thinks"....it matters what our parents think no matter what age we are-that's not a sign of immaturity but just the degree we value our families.
Argreed, but if the parent(s) opinion of you is negative, sooner or later you need to come to a point where you discount that opinion.
I've been thinking more about this. I don't know your entire situation. Just what you've presented here. But, did you ever think your dad is trying to get you mad enough to prove him wrong?
I guess I'm on the other end of this spectrum. As a kid, I always thought my dad was a cold and unfeeling hard ass when it came to my disabilty. I was the oldest of 3 and the only one with a disabilty. Like my siblings, I had chores and responsibilties. These included taking the trash out and shoveling snow . The motto was "Don't say you can't, Do." Whenever I completed my chores I always felt a feeling of expectation from my Dad. But years later I realized it was a feeling of pride. Yes, he expected me to do these things. And Yes, it was because he knew I could do them. He knew I was smart enough to figure out a way to get things done. Put the trash barrel on a skateboard and roll it out to the curb. Shoveling snow in small sections at a time. Even if it meant acting like Tow Sawyer and getting someone else to do it for me (for those that don't read, that means white washing the fence). The point is I always got it done. My Dad instilled in me that I could get it done. I just had to think it out. Part of that thinking it out was was realizing that sometimes, you have to be honest with yourself and say, "I can't physically do that, but I do know how to get it done".
Ok, got to run. My boss is yelling my name.....again.
Good luck man.
TriDog: JEFF2101:SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD IS THE ONE WHO IS DISABALED FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING HE NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH AND OPEN HIS HEART. ALL YOU CAN DO IS PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD DONT LOOK AT YOUR DISABILLITIES AS BEING GODS PUNCHING BAG BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU THAT IS WHY HE DIED FOR US. IF YOU TURN TO GOD AND TRUST HIM HE WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION AND REMIND YOU THAT HE DOES LOVE YOU AND DOES BELEIVE YOU WHEN EVEN NOBODY ELSE DOES EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILLY. Pretty good advice Jeff, But I would say to have faith in himself and his abilities. But that's my opinion.
JEFF2101:SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD IS THE ONE WHO IS DISABALED FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING HE NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS MOUTH AND OPEN HIS HEART. ALL YOU CAN DO IS PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD DONT LOOK AT YOUR DISABILLITIES AS BEING GODS PUNCHING BAG BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU THAT IS WHY HE DIED FOR US. IF YOU TURN TO GOD AND TRUST HIM HE WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION AND REMIND YOU THAT HE DOES LOVE YOU AND DOES BELEIVE YOU WHEN EVEN NOBODY ELSE DOES EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILLY.
Pretty good advice Jeff, But I would say to have faith in himself and his abilities.
But that's my opinion.
One truth that has been made very clear to me these past few years is that God is the only One you can count on, no matter what.
Proverbs 3:5 tells us, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding."Similarly, Psalm 118:8 states, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man."
That's not easy to swallow in a "Believe in yourself" culture, and I'm certainly not saying that you should belittle yourself; it's just important to recognize where your true strength comes from.I imagine that there are a few points on which God would like to enlighten your father, too.Best wishes,Carla N.
TriDog: KaraSwims: I know it's easier said than done to just "forget about what he thinks"....it matters what our parents think no matter what age we are-that's not a sign of immaturity but just the degree we value our families. Argreed, but if the parent(s) opinion of you is negative, sooner or later you need to come to a point where you discount that opinion. Good luck man.
I also agree with the statement "if the parent's opinion of you is negative, you need to come to a point where you discount that opinion."Contrary to popular belief, parents can be wrong, even where their own children are concerned.It's not easy to do, I know, but try to emotionally "step back," and think, "Is this assessment really rational?"Your father, like all of us mortals, is not getting any younger, and it's likely that someday his health will start to fail him, and he will no longer be able to do everything that he once did.It should be interesting to see how he deals with life as a "slacker" when he retires.I feel for your stepmother.
Carla N.
You know, this one is difficult for me. Like the OP, I struggled for my parents approval and aknowledgement ALL of my life. My mother (God rest her soul) told me after I told her she favored one son over me that she knew I could do more than he so she always supported him (as an adult) although it often came to forcing me to make choices that were not the best for me or my children, but I got through the troubles. If anything, her favoring the one son was a huge mistake... after she died, he couldn't take care of himself at ALL... and he was almost 50 years old.
My father on the other hand, baited us kids and called us all names from the time we were teens on up. It's a long story I won't repeat here, but 12 years ago he made it clear his mistress was more important than his children OR his current wife (a lovely women... till she picked up his mantra of hate) and I decided I wasn't going to be his punching bag anymore. When he could no longer bait me, his wife did, even though I stuck up for her when his affair was brought to light. I gave up on both of them. I was about your age when it happened too. It also helped that I was several hundred miles from them.
The gist of it was, I am an adult. I wouldn't allow a perfect stranger or even an aquaintence to treat me like trash, why did I allow my parents? Because they brought me into the world? I did my damndest to not embarrass them, stay out of jail (unlike a couple of siblings) and do what was right, and it was never enough. I look back now and realize (especially my father) thay HIS lack of success was his reason for baiting me about MY lack of success. Even when I got a local artists award here some years ago, Father could have cared less. I was upset, sure, but then I had to tell myself, who was I doing all this for? Him or me?
He's dead now, his lifestyle caught up with him and he spent the last six years of his life in a VA hospital drooling in his Wheaties, but that's not my problem. His wife denounced me and three of my four brothers because we all didn't fall and run to his side when he had his strokes and lost his legs due to his inability to take care of his diabetes.... we couldn't.... I know I couldn't.... I was taking care of his brother who had a brain tumor and his mother who was also a victim of strokes and heart attacks AND dealing with my own disabilities. The other three, well, they were done many years ago. (Is it easier for a man to walk away from his father? I've often wondered why I let Father get to me so much yet I came crawling back for more...) I also wonder why my first two husbands were just like him... did I marry my father? I'm sure a shrink could explain it to me now, but it's moot... it's done and over with.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that it's time to let go. He's not going to change. No matter what his reasons are for being like he is, he's not going to change his tune about you, so let it go.
And FYI, there is a record of a Park Ranger, his name escapes me at the moment, but he survived being hit by lightening FIVE TIMES. He committed suicide not long after the fifth strike because he became too scared to go outside and he couldn't do his job.
Peace,
Shimas
ShimasChild: I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that it's time to let go. He's not going to change. No matter what his reasons are for being like he is, he's not going to change his tune about you, so let it go. Peace, Shimas
I agree completely. It's very difficult to accept the fact that it's impossible to have a real functional relationship with some people, especially members of your own family, but it's emotionally draining for you to keep trying and trying, and it accomplishes nothing, except to wear you out, and nobody needs that.As others have said, you have your own life to live, so try to live it in the healthiest way possible.Some people are going to approve, and some won't, but it's okay. They're just people.
Best,Carla N.
TriDog: RainbowJo2007:My dad is a very judgmental person who thinks that because I have CP I can't work. I have been told my whole life that I need to be on SSI I have been applying for nine years and still haven't been approved. I know one reason is because I have a colege degree. I am a pretty smart person but I don't think my dad will ever realize that. Why are you applying for SSI? You said yourself, you have a college degree and a pretty smart person. Are you going to or at least looking for work? You did get the degree to assist with employment. Right? I'm not being mean. Just trying to better understand your situation.
RainbowJo2007:My dad is a very judgmental person who thinks that because I have CP I can't work. I have been told my whole life that I need to be on SSI I have been applying for nine years and still haven't been approved. I know one reason is because I have a colege degree. I am a pretty smart person but I don't think my dad will ever realize that.
Why are you applying for SSI? You said yourself, you have a college degree and a pretty smart person. Are you going to or at least looking for work? You did get the degree to assist with employment. Right?
I'm not being mean. Just trying to better understand your situation.
Hi tridog First of all, I want to say that I really like your phrase under your posts. Mine is a complicated situation. It's a long story. The short part is I am married to a man with a disability who is receiving medicaid and medicare and he receives a Social Security check of a little over $700. Job and Family Services told him he makes too much money to receive Medicaid by himself without me. He receives Medicaid because the program helps him with the Medicare premiums. And when the household income is only over $700, the premium is a lot of money. And in order to receive Medicaid they told me I have to keep applying for SSI and if I stop receiving Medicaid my husband makes too much money to receive by himself. So I keep applying for SSI so we can have health insurance. I'm going to college so I can get a job and tell Medicaid to go to h**l! I tried telling them that I wasn't going to apply for SSI one time, the next month my husband tried getting the pills that he needs from the pharmacy (which costs $1200) and he couldn't get them because they had taken me off Medicaid. I really don't know what else to do except go back to college.Yes, I know about Spendown but that is so complicated and since he doesn't go to the doctors every month and you cant use any other government program for the Spendown which his pills fall under Medicare. Yes I have done research. If I knew 9 years ago what I know now, I would have told my dad and my whole family to go to h**l! I absolutely love this site. Wish it would have been here 9 years ago.
