Last post Fri, May 16 2008 9:42 PM by Anonymous. 19 replies.
I can't believe this past year... I would not believe it coming out of someone else's mouth either....I would just think they were a drama queen/king. I'm amazed at how many things can go terribly wrong in such a short period of time.
I know that I am responsible for a lot of things....but a lot of things are also out of my control.
When you suffer from Depression and Anxiety, a lot of people just don't understand you or your behavior. Even in the medical community. It's difficult for people, myself included, to witness the sadness, anger, depression, anxiety, and turmoil the depressed person exhibits. And for me, I can only take it for so long before something snaps, and I become combative, argumentitive, and sometimes down right mean. Who would want to willingly put up with that? I understand that, but I also understand the utter dispair and grief for the depressed individual no one wants to be around....
I very recently had a SEVERE panic attack....it was worse then any I had ever had before. I was beyond overwhelmed and stressed out, and found it harder and harder to breathe...to the point that I began blacking out. Every single thought was filled with pain, every breath harder to take then the last. I barely remember myself taking out some intense anger on everyone around me, yelling, screaming, and offending EVERYONE. Someone called the paramedics, and eventually 4 or 5 firemen were crowded into my bedroom, trying to access the situation. All I can remember is not being able to put the oxygen mask on, it felt so restrictive. But, apparently, I personally attacked the firemen, yelled, cussed, and flipped out. They left in a hugeeee huff, taking it very personally, and discussing my behavior outside of my apartment with all of my neighbors!! They apparently were trying to decide if I should be 5150....locked up for my own good..... I don't remember most of this.
I wish the medical community would not take my behavior and mood swings personally. I honestly cannot control outrageous events like these. I wish they didn't happen. I suffer a great deal of guilt and embarrassment for my actions and words. At the time though, I am so angry and upset, it seems justified.
A lot of people try to tell me how to act, behave, and feel. They just can't comprehend a lack of control over one's feelings and actions. Just move on, get over it, don't dwell. They might as well be telling a diabetic to make their blood sugar normal NOW. Create insulin and knock off those stupid low or high blood sugar attacks.
My life has spun so completely out of control, the latest event being my eviction. I can't handle it, I can't move, I can't even begin to cope with all that it involves. My teenage daughter will be devestated. My credit rating won't be accepted. I have no money whatsoever for the new deposit, credit checks, transfer of utilities, and moving expenses. I totalled my car on December 29th of 2007, so I don't even have transportation to anywhere. I feel utterly helpless, hopeless, and confused. I am on HUD, Section 8 housing, and am finding a great deal of landlords not wanting to accept it. Every agency, group, organization, or link I have investigated and contacted seems to just send me to a different agency. Then that agency says I'm talking to the wrong people, and sends me somewhere else. I don't know what to do.
The law is on my landlords side. In California, when you are on a month to month lease, the landlord can evict you with a proper notice, and not give any reason what so ever. Who cares that it will make a child and disabled mother homeless? Who cares that this landlord sexually harrassed the tenant, threatening eviction if demands for sex were not met? Too bad, he wants his property back, and damn the effects to your life, health, and future. I can't afford a competent attorney, and legal aide is too lazy to take this case on. I have researched, called, and tried everything. It is now two days past the day I was due to actually move according to the eviction notice. My family yells at me. My daughter freaks out on me. My friends desert me. My moods swing and betray me on an unbelievable level. Life is hell, and I want out. I see no more choices.
My father actually yells at me every day for this mess. He swears he is listening to me, yet today I told him the calls to apartments and HUD would have to wait because my daughter was missing....She never signed in to her after school program!! He told me to put it on the back burner, and concentrate on finding a place to live. What the heck?/???
I found my daughter, but not my sanity. He wonders why I usually don't pick up the phone when he calls....
I am so out of options.
Hi Luscious~
I'm sorry you've had so many frustrating things to deal with lately. Are you in any treatment for your depression/anxiety? Taking any medication? Of course you don't have to disclose that information-I'm just wondering what types of things you've tried to try and live a fuller life with your conditions.....maybe there's something that WILL work for you. It sounds like right now you feel like everything is OUT of your control so you need to find a way to get some of that control back.
I hope you find support and solace in Disaboom. Try to have a nice weekend...oh and I sure am glad you found your daughter! That sounded terrifying!
Hi Luscious. Welcome to Disaboom. I am sorry you have had so many things go wrong for you. I wish life was easier. I'm glad you found your daughter. Relatives are hard to deal with. This site is very helpful to me, and I hope it will be for you. Just writing down your feelings down in a blog can help ease your mind and soul. Be sure to check out the blogs and to write your own now and again. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. You have friends here.
Becky
how did you attack them physically or vocally? here is the thing and i am not trying to be mean, but even though you dont mean to do the things that you do, it still has an effect. if you act violently, whether or not you mean it still has an effect. if you are verbally abusive, they have to take it into consideration that your daughter is psychologicaolly traumatized. and that is just it.
now as a mother, you have two options. do what you can to control it. and figureo out what to do so your daughter is not in harms way. again. i dont know your disability. and i am not judging you at all. stuff happens. its not fair. its just what is. if you can not control something that is physically or emotionally damaging your daughter, then remove her from you to protect her.
the abusive landlord......... get a tape recorder. stick it in pocket. if it is over the phone buy a recording device for phone. see about legality. if anything, you may not be able to do anything but to prove your side to someone who doubts you. there are other places to live too arent thery
you are not out of options. some of them suck but leaving your daughter permanently alone is not as good as putting her in child warefere into you get your health in order. dying is perment life isnt.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my blog. I think that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time :)
It seems like such a simple thing, reaching out and leaving your note, but knowing someone has read what I wrote and cared enough to let me know I have friends out there, people with things in common....well, I am truly grateful.
:)
Hello lusciousbabe,
Welcome to Disaboom-It sounds like you have been and are still going through the ringer. Hang in there, your daughter needs you. Life is hard, as a C 5/6 quad i can relate to that. However, try and find the good and beauty in life. I wish you and your daughter the very best. You will find plenty of supportive people here.
Stay Strong
Vinny
Hi Vinny! Thank you so much for your reply. Looking back on all of what I wrote during a particularly overwhelming moment, I am even more touched that anyone has taken the time to send well wishes etc....Lol, I was certainly enjoying a pity party.
Thank you for making me take a second and know that there are plenty of people who do not have limbs, or use of them. Who are dying, have cancer, have lost a child etc..... I appreciate you taking the time and effort to reach out. You don't know quite what it means to me.
Cat
Luscious,
Hey it's me again (waving!)...You made an awesome point with how in the moment our writing can seem really intense when we write in the moment...I think that's ok though because hopefully you felt this place was a safe one to vent. I'm still here (with others) as a source of support so keep on fighting! (but not literally-LOL!)
Hi Luscious,
I can understand most of what your going through because my wife(rip) of 21 years was Bi-Polar. I learned how to handle her mood swings and episodes and I'm sure you know that it wasn't easy. but I stood by her.
First let me say that I know what the cost of living is like out there. I just moved from SoCal about a year ago.
I know that there is less stress and worry when you have options. So let me give you one, it probably won't be possible right now for you and your family, but I can always use a live-in to help with the rent out here in Oklahoma. The cost of living here is half of what it is in Ca. Rent can be found as low as 250.00 here.
I just thought I'd give you and your family something to think about.
Your in my prayers
Mike
Thanks again. You are so awesome to keep pointing out that there are peeps out there.
"now as a mother, you have two options. do what you can to control it. and figureo out what to do so your daughter is not in harms way. again. "
Ok, she was not in harms way. I was not physically abusive. I was having an extreme panic attack, and I cussed at the fire crew. I have never had a panic attack that severe before. I did not want my kid to have to hear it, but reality happens, and sheltering someone all of the time will have serious reprocussions as well.
Thankfully before i read your reply, I feel better. When a depressed individual reaches out and writes something that intense, that is NOT the best time to bring up more issues, more problems, or suggest a course of action that will tramatize them further. Please tell me that you are not in the health care field???
Thank god I was not in the same mood as when i posted....to read that I should consider losing my daughter, leaving her to welfare, or not kill myself and leave her permanently would have just made my mood and my anxiety and my depression SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In addition, you said " there are other places to live too arent there"
Well, in my blog i stated why that is just not possible. Sorry, but $$$ for deposits, movers, etc etc etc doesn't grow on trees, and unfortunately I have yet to perfect pooping diamonds.
"
Thank you for your kind words :)
You made me laugh, if i was a horse they most definitely would have put me outta my misery long ago...hehehehe. The medical community truly does amaze me, last summer I was physically ill every day for a month, and no one could figure out why. I spent unbelievable hours in the hospital and at the dr's. One E.R. Doctor actually said to me that it was all in my head. He had read my chart, but never even examined me!! I responded by upchucking and giving him a rather green look. It was eventually discovered that, after titrating off of paxil for 5 weeks, I was STILL having severe withdrawals. Severe enough to make me ill every day. Had to be put back on Paxil, and my illness went away almost immediately.
If I could, I would wipe Glaxo Welcome (makers of Paxil) off the face of the earth.
Wow! After reading what I was doing, saying, and feeling.....why would you want me to live with you? Lol, don't get me wrong, I am beyond touched by the offer, but you would be asking for drama.....
lusciousbabe33f: Wow! After reading what I was doing, saying, and feeling.....why would you want me to live with you? Lol, don't get me wrong, I am beyond touched by the offer, but you would be asking for drama.....
I don't judge everyone by what they say. There's always a better person in there some where.
Through the 21 years I have been through bi-polar episodes, atleast once a year lasting months at a time and the last one lasted over a year, even while going in and out of the hospital. One time she stabbed me with a steak knife. There were times when I had to close up shop and head for the hills until the police and FD got her to the mental ward.
The funny part about it is, when she was in the Convant, she was a NUN
