Music, theatre, movies and painting--what inspires you? Spark your creativity and find your voice.
Posted on: Sat, Jul 5 2008 1:49 AM
Posted by: ltadeyeske Posts: 17
Only clean jokes? Damn, that leaves me out, all I know are the nice dirty ones, HA! :)
Posted on: Sun, Jul 6 2008 11:27 PM
Posted by: Olivette Turbeville Posts: 525
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the bar out of control.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar, stuffs them into his face and eats them. Then he nabs a few sliced limes and swallows them whole, then he leaps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, stuffs it in his mouth, and to the bartenders horror manages to swallow it whole.
The bartender panics, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The oblivious fellow replies, "No, what?"
"He just swallowed a cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the fellow, "he eats everything in sight, the weird little devil. So sorry. I'll gladly pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill (including the stuff the monkey ate) then leaves with his wild little critter.
Two weeks later he's back in the bar again, along with the gluttonous monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey proceeds to run loose again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and eats it flinging the empty stem. Then the monkey finds a peanut and sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and quickly swallows it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Do you see what your monkey is doing this time?"
"Now what?" replies the guy.
"Well this time he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, and pulled it out to eat it! And then he did it again with a peanut!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me either." replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Posted on: Mon, Jul 7 2008 3:07 AM
Posted by: Whitney Posts: 691
That was a good one, Olivette! LOL
Posted on: Mon, Jul 7 2008 7:04 AM
Posted by: rainey826 Posts: 3,961
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ! NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH THIS MORNING ! RAINEY XO
Posted on: Mon, Jul 7 2008 6:37 PM
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a Bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for Mom. She stashed the magazine until Dad got home, and showed it to him.
He looked at it shaking his head, and handed it back to her with out a word. So she encouraged, "What are we going to do about this?"
Dad looked bewildered, "I'm not really sure... but, I don't think we should spank him."
Posted on: Tue, Jul 8 2008 2:45 AM
Posted by: Becky Posts: 1,555
Good one, Olivette. I don't know if this one is true or not, but I'd like to think it is!
Posted on: Wed, Jul 9 2008 4:26 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.Is it common?"It's not unusual...."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks the pirate: "What's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies: "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"
I child proofed my house, but they are still getting in?
_______________________
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a painter and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, we need the porch painted. How much would you charge?"
The blonde answered, "How about 50 bucks?" The man happily agreed to the remarkably low sum.
The man's wife over heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize how big the porch is? The man replied, "Dunno how she wouldn't... since it goes all the way around the house."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're done already?" he asked in disbelief. "Yep," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I slapped on two coats."
The man stared at the umpainted porch under her feet as she finished, "And by the way, that isn't a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Posted on: Wed, Jul 9 2008 4:28 AM
After Mr. and Mrs. Wzername retired, Mrs. Wzername insisted her husband accompany her and chauffer their trips to K-Mart. Unfortunately shopping was exceedingly boring for Mr. Wzername - so he'd meander in the store seeking self-entertainment while waiting for Mrs. Wzername. Then, one day Mrs. Wzername received a disturbing letter from K -Mart.
_______________Dear Mrs. Wzername,
Over the past few months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We appreciate your business; however mounting concern regarding your husband's conduct has led us to an impasse. Our surveillance cameras have shown that on the following dates your husband exhibited these behaviors:
1. June 15: Placed 24 economy sized boxes of condoms in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Left a trail of V-8 juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Announced to an employee, "Code 3 in carry-out. Hurry!"
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and attempted to place a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in - if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he sobbed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: He darted suspiciously around the store while humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the automotive department he practiced a "Madonna look" by using various sized funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and as people browsed he shouted, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and shouted to the clerk on duty, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Please, consider shopping at Wal-Mart.Regards, K-Mart.
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