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My nephew had a disc surgery gone wrong and came out paralyzed from the waist down, 3/4 years ago.  After Fisherville he moved into his parents home, they had added a handicap accessible bathroom.  His dad had a computer job available for him, but, he wouldn't go.  He just stays home, leaves only for PT and Doctor's appts.(of course, he's very distrusting of Doctors). Last Sept. his Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months.  With chemo she's still mobile, but, dealing with pain and dizziness.  Her son has become  disruptive in the home with rudeness and anger.  He didn't celebrate his Mom's Birthday and made her cry with his comments.  His Dad tried to talk with him in a calm manner(although of course he's very angry with him) and he said "Why celebrate?  What about me?  I'm a cripple."  Obviously, this situation is awful for everyone.  They've asked me to talk to him.  I AM SO UNPREPARED!  I really believe it would be best for him to find a place of his own and become responsible for himself.not only now for his Mom's sake ,but, in the long run for himself.  And although his Mom would be worried about him making the transition, it would make her home more of a sanctuary to help her through the coming months. Are there apartments that he could rent?  Is there someone 30-40 years old in the Portsmouth area who could advise and guide me and him.  I want to help as much as possible but really feel inadequate. My computer skills include emailing and making cards-other than that I'm lost.  But, I found this site and am hoping someone out ther can help me out,  Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated. 

 YOU NEVER DID SAY HIS AGE ! SOUND LIKE HE IS ON A SELF PITY PARTY ! CRIPPLED ?  I HAVE NOT HEARD THAT TERM FOR A LONG TIME AND I HAVE BEEN DISABLED FOR 53 YEARS , SOUNDS LIKE HE NEED TO MOVE ON ACCEPT HIS DISABILITY AND GAIN SOME RESPECT FOR HIS MOTHER , THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT HIM ANYMORE ! THERE COMES A TIME TO GROW UP AND ACT AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN . I AM SURE WITHOUT ANY DOUBT HIS MOTHER SUPPORTED HIM DURING HIS HARD TIMES , WELL NOW IS THE TIME FOR HIM TO GET A SWIFT KICK IN THE BUTT AND GROW UP ~~~~~~~~RAINEY XO

I feel that this person is still in the "grief" process over his own accident, and now faces another tragedy.  It is no 'pity party' to be unable to deal with some of life's truly cruel tricks of fate on the timetable life demands.  I think he needs a therapist immediately, or at least a minister/rabbi with pastoral counseling experience, to start to work with his emotions.

 

I DO NOT think kicking him out, at the time of his mother's illness, is necessarily the right step.  He seems to me to be obviously unable to understand how to move to the next step in life, and leaving him without his family support will not necessarily help.  Additonally, what about her?  She may feel she wants and needs him near her during this time, no matter what his behavior is.

 

Family therapy would be ideal, and perhaps you could get a therapist to come to the home once or twice a week to talk to everyone there about these issues.  Just because some of us have been able to overcome difficulties does not mean that all can in the "proper" time frame. 

 

Just one perspective.  My love and prayers to the whole family.  Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to "Personal Message" me to discuss this at more length, should you choose.  I am an ordained minister.

Hi Sally, I'm Sandy. Sounds like your nephew is a very angry man. I also would like to know his age. I think I would have been angry also, but he should have more respect for his parents that took him in. In that respect he is only a boy. You came to a great site. Someone here can help you. So stick around your answer maybe just around the corner. Take Care Now, Sandy 

I so feel for you in your present situation. The whole household sounds.....out of control.........with the son so obviously not yet accepting his new lifestyle......still very angry......unaccepting of what happened to him. Now......his poor mother........no wonder you're at a loss as to what to do. I think Bonnie's advice is right on the money..........professional help of some sort is what's needed.You can add me to the list of people who will be praying for you and the son.......the mom.....and of course....the dad too.Please let us know how some of these things might be resolved............and come to this site......just to vent........share in any way you choose. Again.....you'll be in my prayers........Peace and love Norma

Sally, sometimes even diabled people need to be told the way it is the longer you let them feel sorry for themselfs and to controll the house the longer and harder for them to except they are just like everyone elsa and they can do what ever they'll want, Your nephew needs some conciling to help him realiize this he can do things for himself. My thaughts and preyers are with you,Gentle Huggies; Beck

Dear Sally,

I have been a counselor for over 20 years. What a tragedy for the whole family. You might talk with Mom and Dad first.Your nephew, at present, may be the hardest to reach. His parents are probably more open to talking about the situation. Mom needs to know that her son's anger and cruelty are not about her. This is displaced anger aimed at his "safest" target. Mom and Dad must keep their boundries up and see it for what it is. Anger is often a "cover up" for tremendous fear. Fear of losing Mom at his most vulnerable time. Fear of dealing with an out of control situation and a life that will never be the same again. I don't condone his behavior, but I understand it. Very few of us would know how to gracefully accept his situation.

I agree that perhaps the best thing to suggest is someone from the clergy, a therapist or counselor come and work with the family. If your nephew refuses Mom and Dad need to work with this person without him. They can learn coping stratagies and gain support for themselves. I do not think his moving out is necessarily the right answer unless he wants that. Anger turned outward may be hard to deal with, but anger turned inward can lead to depression and worse. Being told to leave could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I too am willing to be available if you want to contact me. Now you have two caring and qualified people who can be of help.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

pambe