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Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 12:35 AM
Posted by: butterflylady Posts: 67
I know and will admit right off the bat that I know there are many of people out there much worse off then I am - I keep telling myself that day in and day out, some how it does not make me feel any better.
My "story" goes as such:
I worked my rear end off for 10 yrs and finally succeed in building a very successful cleaning business, and 1 day 3 yrs into my success I fell and my world changed for the worse. Long story short I herniated L1 L2 L3 and was told to stop working. Instead I refused and went to work daily in extreme amounts of pain for the next yr, and then one day my left side from the hip down went numb. L4 L5 & L6 were now also destroyed. I stopped working for about 6 weeks and went back - long story short, I finally was forced to quit, as even with the pain meds and such it was horribly painful.
So here I am 3 yrs later having done EVERYTHING I was told to do ( well after I quit work that is ) and I am NO better. My life has changed and not for the better. I am only 45 yrs old and my 6 yr old grandson or my 63 yrs old mother in law has to tie my shoes for me ! ( when I visit them and hubby is not around to help me ) My left side is almost useless and my right hip kills me as of trying to use it instead to walk and such. Surgery is not a option. I have been seen by many specialist and they won't touch me. Something about the nerve that controls my left side will be severed if they touch me and I won't have any use of my left side at all.
I do PT 3 times a week - 2 times weekly muscle massages, back traction 3 times a week with weights, meds, supplements etc etc.
Sorry for the book - trying to give some back ground.
So here I am 250 lbs now ! ( which does not help ) no life, very depressed ( Prozac helps - ha! ) and super angry.
I am suppose to swim laps to help my muscle strengthen - it takes me 1/2 an hour to undress and 1/2 hr to dress and I can only swim for 15 minutes and am worn out and often worry I will be too tired to dress myself in the locker room - so I stopped.
I guess stopped is a good word for me - I feel like I have stopped living.
So many things in my life I can no longer do.....
HOW do you deal with this - HOW? I can not go on like this - There has to be a way to make a new life for myself - right?
Thanks for the vent space :)
PS: I typed "how to start your life over again" into google and found this site.
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 11:43 AM
Posted by: Debbie Posts: 3,878
hi butterfly, it's nice to meet you and i'm glad that you found us. well my opinion is that you have to try and accept the facts right now and not think of what you had and what you did. i think that we can all relate to losing skills and doing things that we were good at. it seems like it is hard for you to face it and accept it, but you have to move forward to get better. you should swim a little if you can. trying to motivate yourself is hard, but you have to choose if you want to stay in the situation that you are in which is not getting you anyplace but more depressed. please don't think that i am not feeling for you sweetie, because i am, but if you were my sister that is what i would tell you. having the extra weight is not easy to get around with either i bet. how about if you tried and changed just a couple of things in your diet? do you have someone close to you that you could ask to join you to swim or start an excersise program with? i know it's easier sometimes having someone to do them with.
please stay here we will be happy to help you if we can. thanks and have a great day!
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 1:54 PM
HI Debbie - Thank you for responding - I was wondering if anyone would.
I have NO support - I am super women - so my family thinks :(
As for many many years I was and I guess it is my fault as I still push to help them out in any way I can.....
I know your 100% right about not thinking about what I had and instead thinking about what I do have - at the risk of sounding like a whine baby "it's SO hard".
I know HOW to lose weight - it's the motivation to do to it I need.....
Swimming - swimming is easy for me and I do LOVE it - its charring my gym bag, getting dressed and undressed by myself that is so very hard.
I have no family close by that is willing to help and hubby is working all the time trying to make up for me not working the business any more - friends - they left when my injury happened, well not right away but as soon as they seen that the injury was here to stay and I could not longer line dance, ride fair rides and all the fun things we use to do - I can honestly say I tried to maintain my friendships, but everyone bailed out on me.
I hate that I feel this way - really ! I WANT to be strong in my mind as I once was in my body and move forward.... Just not sure how to start.
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 3:27 PM
Posted by: Bob Wassom Posts: 53
Hi,
I read your story and sometimes life sucks, doesn't it. I had to start from scratch, too, after breaking my neck and ending up a quad. I've sinced recovered quite a bit, but prior to my injury, I was a professional musician (I played guitar) and a professional ski instructor. Now I can't do either. But I can do a lot of things. I try to focus on what I can do, rather than what my limitations are. It's not easy, but it works if you stay with it. It's also important to have a support group. Try to find some other people with disabilities that you can tap into. There are a lot of strong souls out there who can help. And Disaboom is a good place to start. Hang in there...and in the words of a friend, Muffy Davis--Never Give Up!
Bob Wassom
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 4:55 PM
hey bob, how are you doing? nice to meet you, i play the guitar too. [can't do bar cords anymore but still try].
hi butterflylady, sorry that everyone bailed on ya, i won't. you can email me if you want and we can talk ok? i will try and help you. have a better night i hope, your new friend.
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 8:09 PM
Posted by: skillz Posts: 29
Hello!
It's normal to feel that way, I did for a while after the doctors told me that I would nerver walk again. But as time passes you find things that motoviate you. You said you love to swim but getting ready to go swimming and to leave is to difficult for you. Well what has been working for me is to keep doing the things that are difficult, so in time the proccess will become easier. You will get those muscles to start to work after a while. It's all about repertition, the more you do something the better you get at it. Thats pretty much what goes on in Therapy. But what I'm getting at is if swimming is your love then swimming is your motoviation.
For example,
My son is my motoviation, so I feel like this, everything I do I do it for him. and lets get one thing straight, you are not starting over again. you simply just have to do some things in a differant way,you can still do what you do but it's uup to you to want to do it.
Never think you are alone, because as you can see your not. You should never give up, because life is not just about working and careing what other my think. It's about learning and enjoing what great things It has to offer
Life is what you make it!!!!!!
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 10:23 PM
Posted by: LeAnne Posts: 22
I hear what you're going though and know you're struggling. Life doesn't seem easy or may not seem worthwhile right now. BUT, it is. Believe me.
I have lived with cerebral palsy all my life, but at 68, the aging process has been doing its job on me. In a nut shall, it's like acquring another disability. On most days, I try taking it in stride. Yet on the hard days, I become a recluse.
Yes, it is like starting over each day, at least for me. But on the good days, once I have showered and dressed myself, I think, I am still able to do ths, no matter how long it takes. And I'm thankful.
You have more inner strength than you think and you will be happy again.
Blessings,
LeAnne
Posted on: Wed, Nov 28 2007 10:43 PM
I wish I could see each post here as I type this so I could thank each of you by name. The pain meds have shot my memory on things like this - sorry.
I am truly very touched that so many of you have reached out to me - touched and AMAZED !!!
I am not sure the politically correct term, so please forgive me - I think each of you who have responded to me are "worse" then I am, as far as your injury/illness is more painful and/or limiting to what you desire to do. Yet no one has told me to "get over it" or been rude to me about my private pity party - again I Thank each one of you
It has been a very long time since I have been reached out to and this is very touching.
If you all care enough about me to reach out - maybe I should care more about me too.
Please do be honest and tell me though - do I really belong here? I mean as I said in my first post I know many of people wish they were in my shoes ( physically ) and I do feel bad about having a hard time with this when I know I could be worse off - so is this forum OK for me?
If not, I understand and I really really am grateful for each of you touching me.
PS: I am not in a chair. There are many times I almost wish I were - ONLY as the pain of walking is so great at times. I do walk with a cane at home. I won't use it in public and can only shop where there are carts that I lean over on to support me and even that is quite painful after about 15 minutes ( I know I know , pride cometh before the fall ).
Beth
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