Last post Sat, Jan 05 2008 7:58 PM by KaraSwims. 7 replies.
Ok, i'mtrying to sum up the confidence to post in this forum...(yeah there's no stigma on mental health issues, why would ya think that? - sarcasm)
i think i'm probly a little deppressed (and i hate to admitit.. like i should just suck it up & get over it, or something) I don't have energy or motivation to do anything much. Whether it's getting bundled up to go outside and walk the 4-5 blocks to the store in this cold weather because we're almost out of milk & catfood or finishing the cchristmas cards or even bothering to get dressed. i feel SO lazy, but i don't really care even though i should. i don't wanna make dinner so I've been eating cereal mostly and other stuff that doesn't require cooking and eating junk food - doesn't require cooking it's there and is actually cheaper to pick up than food you hafta cook! go figure.
i know i've been unemployed for months, since may, and that's definitely a big part of this. it's NOT juist because i have a disability, people might assume that but that's just not it. it's more like living alone, being unemployed for a long stretch and feeling isolated (in real life) and wondering if i'm stuck, if this is all there is, or when will it be better? it just doesn't seem to matter, day after day it's the same. And yet i sometimes I feel myself going 'hello? your life is just passing by, while you're in this slump, sleeping most the day away. DO something.' - sometimes i do have more energy, and it's like coming up for air, but it's short-lived. and i do still laugh at things that are funny for example, so my mood isn't always depressed but then it will go back to feeling flat. (the scary part is that 'meh' feeling is almost like normal starting place now.) but had that feeling like i had to do something to change this strongly today so I called the 2 mental health clinics that are in the phone book for here, and I asked what a person would do if they wanted to talk to somebody - like a counselor, what do they need to do? the response was that the same for both places, they aren't taking new patients but if it's an emergency to call the mental health at the hospital. not doing that, i think that means that you're like suicidal and i'm not, so.. what? i just suffer?
when i started to really feel like i had no energy back atleastt a few weeks ago now i think hard to tell it all smushes together now.. i thought it was allergies since those were acting up too at the time. so i tried to get a regular primarycare doctor's appt. but since I've moved here recently i'm a new patient & only one or two docs are taking new Medicaid patients, so i'd have a long wait until February to get an appointment as a new patient. in the meantime i asked my mom to refill a prescription of my allergy meds (she works in a doc's office where she lives, and can call that in to my place) but i can't ask her about this. she wouldn't be supportive, and anyway don't i deserve some privacy ffor my stuff?
i've got stuff i'm supposed to do this week, christmas cards & cookies that i bought the stuff for a long time ago, cleaning up the house for company later on this weekend, but bleh. i hafta find the energy from somewhere, guess i'll put some coffee on & some music and make myself vaccuum & do dishes tonight. i wish i was faking this, then i could just stop and it'd go way. but who would i be faking for, i'm the only one here, besides the cat. going to bed and hoping to feel better in the morning only works on occaision. are there any non drug, non therapy/counseling ways to beat this? i mean i know i should exercise but it's cold out, and places like gyms costs money. i am tired of trying to function through this. everything seems so much more difficult than iit should and i just want to shake it off, for good.
well i dont expect any answer anyway but i really just needed to say it, i'm not fine and this sucks. maybe some of this made sense, i will come back later and look at it to see if it does.thanks for leting me vent here.
~ leah
I emailed you directly so you would get an immediate response. I have depression too. I gave you my email and phone number. I have a flat rate phone so I would call you right back and you wouldn't have a phone bill. You now have a resource. I've had alot of therapy to help so I'm a good resource for you now.From this moment on you have someone to talk to who understands. Gail
Hi Leah,
I'm really glad that you had the courage to post your feelings right now because whether you know it or not I'm sure you spoke for many others out there that weren't ready to do that...I hope along the way it also helped to get if off your chest. You know the one thing that stood out to me through your post are the huge list of things that you're having trouble doing that you feel like you SHOULD do...It seems like you're usually a motivated driven person so right now when you're depressed you're piling even more guilt on top of yourself that you're not doing alllll these things...cleaning, Christmas cards, cookies, etc....but you know--what it might take to get out of this hole right now is scheduling in some things that you enjoy doing-and trying not to focus on all those daunting tasks. What are some activities that make you happy? Something you like to do? Because in the long run-I bet all those people who you might send cards to, bake cookies for, and clean up for would rather you get better and if it takes sacraficing a few "should's then it'll be worth it!
Hi CaffeineQueen,
First thanks for dropping in on me! I enjoyed the feedback and appreciate your (our) support. Yeah, depression when it hits can be so damn frustrating, but pushing yourself a little more keeps it at bay. Yes, when that energy is zapped, sleep is the best thing and I keep a ready supply of plastic/disable dishes, etc. for just those days.
Often, I cannot get to counselors because you know the medications can make you drowsy and you have to earn a living to live. I find comfort by writing in my journal for therapy. And reaching out to help one person brings so much joy and peace to me. Sometimes, I just work in my garden in awe over what God has created for us to enjoy during those difficult times.
I also have a strong network of friends and family to help through those days. However, i prefer to be alone and work on my relationship with my God mostly.
Anyway, stay in touch and contact Nat'l Institute of Mental Healh or hospitals with a psyche dept. for assistance with finding a counseling/support group. As big as NY is, I know there has to be more.
Today, I will ask my God to bless you...smile! (ease up on the caffiene, smile).
Well, thanks for all your replies. still haven't gotten everything done but some of it is getting done. And best of all, I'm feeling a bit better mood-wise today, I still don't have as much energy as I would normally but that's alright, not like I have to get up early anyway.
I got a call today for an interview on Jan 2 for a job I'd really like to get. But either way, it's something to dangle in front of myself and help me get through the holidays in a little better of a mood because I can hope that the interview will work out. (*crosses fingers*) I haven't even had an interview in awhile, so it's good to even have that. It's an an interview for a county position, case worker @ DSS; I got the best score on a civil service test back in september, and they finally are interviewing for it. (well, granted, working for DSS isn't what i'd thouhgt of as my dream job, but it's a job in my field giving my experience and with good pay and bennies so i'll take it.)
I'll be at my mom's til after Christmas, so if you don't see me here, that's why.
So, Happy Holidays everyone. (it's the first day of winter technically today)
~ Leah
Happy New Year, Kara!
Just wanted to thank you for posting in response to CaffeineQueen. I knew God would come through. Great information, too.
Peace
Happy New Year, CaffeineQueen!
I hope your holidays were bright at your mother's. I also hope the job interview was good and lands you a position. Keep the spirits up! We can do this, smile.
Agnes
Hey Agnes! What a cool surprise for my Saturday night-YOUR BACK! Stick around will ya?!? I missed your thoughtful posts.
