Last post Fri, Jul 18 2008 9:26 PM by devorella. 30 replies.
Here is my finsight on the subject of dating.... I stumbled upon this website while looking for a wallet on the internet for a friend.... I saw a photo of a pretty nice looking guy in a wheel chair with some great shades on.... looked like Tommy Lee for goodness sakes.... and I remembered trying to talk to this guy at an art gallery that was in a wheel chair.... he barely gave me the time of day.... so I finally asked the guy that was with him, what was up with his friend.... he mentioned, well, he may have thought you were just trying to be nice.... I thought, NOOOOO, I thought he was pretty cool, and yet could get barely a name out of him...
So I wonder, if I looked past the chair. Why couldn't he look around his wall. With the greed, the technology that has passed humanity, Chivalry being dead...I believe in looking past things..........
Where are you guys.............. most women are looking for good friends, nice guys, nice girlfriends... an extra pair of wheels or a prosthetic piece shouldn't hold you back from talking to us.............
Again, just my two cents.
TO DISABOOM.COM
Hi Cents! We're glad to have you join the community!
The discussion forums are a great place to put in your "two cents" -- let us know what you're thinking!
And don't forget to stop by the chat room while you're visiting the site. The community launched just a couple of months ago and we're growing like crazy, so there's always new people popping in every day.
On a personal note about your post: I've found that people who have been hurt in the past can be a little hesitant to get too close because they've lost some of their trust in others. But I think the majority of people, from all walks of life, want to make friends. With some it just takes more time to break through their protective shield. Just keep on, keepin' on!
Lily265
Customer Service
Disaboom / Lovebyrd
Email: custserv@disaboom.com
I agree with Lily and you also have to take into account differing personalities. I don't mind being approached by perfect strangers who just want to be friendly, but there are others out there, chair or no, that are not the same way. My hubby, for example, is suspicious of anyone he doesn't know well trying to talk to him.
We're out there. Sounds like you just happen to run into a shy one.
P.S. The only time I thought someone was trying to be 'nice' to me was when a lady who was ringing up a meal tab for me asked me if I wanted a cookie in the same tone of voice I use to talk to dogs. Hmmm.
Cents,
WELCOME! I'm glad you dropped in to spark up some good conversation and I hope you'll join in on more of the fun around here...As a wheelchair user myself, I have a few thoughts on the story you shared. Beyond that of course you can't judge an entire group of people by one that you met, I do think there's something interesting in your choice of behavior during the interaction. By speaking to the man's friend about him-you inadvertantly did what happens to us ALL THE TIME....so any chances you had of the guy making small talk with you were probably nixed with that. I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but many people assume that it's best to get answers to questions ABOUT US from someone else...it's insulting and sends a message like we're not capable of speaking for ourselves.
Last-people with disabilities are probably the most diverse minority group there is! The individual you met had just as much right to be withdrawn, thinking about something else, married/taken (and interpreted your behavior as flirting), etc. than a guy not in a wheelchair.....I'm not suggesting you don't already know this but sometimes people forget. They assume that a cranky person they meet who is in a wheelchair must be mad because they have a disability....People don't think that we could be having a bad day for the same reasons as anyone else.
Welcome to Disaboom. As for your observation, that should make for a good discussion. I too am a chair user. Lets see where the thread goes. Enjoy and look forward to seeing you on Disaboom. Dave
Isn't amazing how dating webpages that suspose to be for disabled insist charging to send email messages to contacts that contact you? Virtualdating is such one, they charge you about $16 bucks just for the pervialage to answer a message you get from a member. I mean really how many people with disabilites have money to throw around like that?
It should be free to answer a contact that writes you, dont you think?
Not many people with disabilites are well off.
Morning...in my life dating was never an issue, attracting "ladies" was easy because what is the best trait for attraction is humor, and self confident.
So once your ok with your self, then the people will flock in droves!
The big part of dating for "us" is dating stable people that are not out to "rescue" or take car of "us"
My wife and I where best friends for 9 years, we watched each other date, and break up tons of times before we looked at each other and said "what are we doing" The best things where looking right at each of us.
10 years later I love this woman more then life it self!
Happy Dating!
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hi cents
I am a guy who is looking for a nice young lady to date, but I am shy, not very safisticated. Just down to earth kink of guy withCP
I am willing to start dating. just waiting for that someone special. until then I am trying to establish as many social outlets as I can.
mike43
I am dating a amputee, and we were friends before his accident. He didnt talk to me or really anyone for a long time afterwards.He finally emailed me and asked if we could meet and talk,when we talked he said he had to tell me he loved me and had for a long time and the accident made him take stock of his life and made him realize he needed to tell me how he felt. I was so touched and just a little nervous, I wasnt sure how things would be between us now due to his disability but he showed me his prosthesis and we talk about everything and over the last 5 months I have got a lot more comfortable with him and love him dearly. I saw this site on tv late one night after talking with him for hours on one of his bad days when he was just struggling and thought wow what a great place, I joined immediatly and sent him the link and though he hasnt joined he does read a lot on the site.I think we all have our walls and our issues that we have to over come to date, I have always had a weight issue and I also have scoliosis and chronic pain/fibro so always think no one will really get me but we just have to learn to open up and trust others.Not always easy but the pay off is amazing!
I would like to "second" many of the thoughts that Kara expressed, and repeat them loudly. Your intentions were good, but your understanding of the experience of many of us who are disabled needs a little kindly expansion.
When I am out with a friend in my wheelchair, and someone speaks to the friend about me, as in "would 'she' like a coke," I am immediately turned off because I feel like a piece of meat. What am I that I can't just be spoken to like anyone else. I have a mouth.
Also, even when I was able bodied I was not too open to strangers trying to speak to me. All of us are different just like everyone else. That is what you most need to understand. I did not like guys trying to pick me up, no way, no how. I had plenty of attention, and met my dates through mutual friends, work, classes of shared interest (cooking, wine tasting, art appreciation, etc.), and did not like a straight assault on the street or in any public place. There are enough "weirdos" around that I like to do a little pre-screening first. (I am married now, and met my husband first at a party, and then later discovered we lived in the same building). We became friends first, way before the first "date."
Trust is something that needs to be built, and I would suggest a gentler, smoother approach in a less public setting. Of course, others will feel differently because we are all different. Many people on this site are very eager for romance, and would welcome your attention, if approached in the right way. So take a brush off as the brush off from one person, and move on to other great guys. Good luck.
Hi Cents,
This is my first time on here. On the subject of dating, I have been trying to figure that out myself. I am 50 now and wish I had a significant other in my life. Up till this last bout of M.S. I had a boyfriend. Now I don,t but I have found out I have many friends in this community I live in. I am still wondering when you tell domeone you have M.S. during a hopeful relationship .Firstlite
bonniethesurvivor:IWhen I am out with a friend in my wheelchair, and someone speaks to the friend about me, as in "would 'she' like a coke," I am immediately turned off because I feel like a piece of meat. What am I that I can't just be spoken to like anyone else. I have a mouth. Also, even when I was able bodied I was not too open to strangers trying to speak to me.
IWhen I am out with a friend in my wheelchair, and someone speaks to the friend about me, as in "would 'she' like a coke," I am immediately turned off because I feel like a piece of meat. What am I that I can't just be spoken to like anyone else. I have a mouth.
Also, even when I was able bodied I was not too open to strangers trying to speak to me.
Hell, I AM AB and it creeps me out when someone "overly friendly" approaches me! *LOL*
What gets me is when we're out with my son (12, w/c) and people will ask me what he wants. Uh, ask him yourself. He's not deaf. *LOL*
One of MY pet peeves also is when people see me with my son, they want to tell me all the horror stories about the brother or child they lost decades ago to spina bifida when it wasn't easily managed, or CP, or whatever. I don't care, sorry. My child, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's hell on wheels. Go see a grief counsellor.
How about the religious fanatics that want to pray over you (my son, in this case) and insist their prayers will "heal" him.
Yeah. I'm sure if that worked Christopher Reeve would still be with us.
Sheesh.
Some people were A$$#OLES before they were in a chair, very few change. There are a lot of guys who will not give the time of day to a girl unless they are their "type." If he is the type that would act like that then I would say forget about him. I am a guy in a wheelchair and I have times when I might not be on my best behavior, I end up saying things that most people would not but I have always been that way. "If the baby is ugly, call it ugly." Now I am not one of the people who says what ever, but I will give the straight answer when asked. Many people hate that and I am labeled as an A$$#OLE sometimes. I would just chaulk it up to meeting an A$$#OLE, not just a guy in a wheelchair. In other words please do not think we all are alike...
I totally agree with almost everyone. My boyfriend is in a chair...and HE's the one that approached me. i definately played hard to get, but he never gave up! and here we are planning our future. He has mentioned to me about how "creeped out" he can be by overly-friendly people, and i think it's something that, as he likes to say, "walkies" can't understand. He has to kind of judge everyones actions and access whether they are sincere or just trying to "do the right thing by including the crippled guy." We can be out in public, enjoying ourselves and people just seem to have this "need" to approach us and say random things. this one time a complete stranger came up to him, asked ME if she could touch him (WTF?!) and blessed him and asked that God heal him in heaven...weird...i know you probably had the best intentions and was truly interested in this guy, but maybe he just didn't know how to read the situation.
Really how does a young disabled person find a date? Over the years as I became more disabled I watched ALL of my friends disappear from my life. I also found as soon as a potential new person found out I even had medical problems I was no longer dating material. The only real close friend I even have now days I met in arthritis pool class so I have only one person in my life to even socialize with. So really I guess I am asking how does a disabled person find not only dates, but also just a good friend to hang out with?
