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Posted on: Tue, Jan 29 2008 1:31 AM

Posted by: StoogegirlSilva Posts: 31

My boyfriend and I live together, and he's going to get custody of his 7 year old son this May. What I was wondering is, how do I explain to him what's going on with me, and why I can't do the same things him and his daddy can do?

I did tackle this on a smaller scale with his nephews, 3 and 5 years old, but they only have limited time with me and I haven't even shown them my scar. They still don't understand that something's wrong, and they think that my cane is a toy that can be used to hit their brother. It was funny, one time we were at a zoo, and they kept on asking to ride in "Nicole's stroller" (I wound up letting them take turns sitting on my lap.) The problem is, I can't skirt around the issue, I'll have to tell his kid something.

How have you guys explained to kids what happened? I can't give gory details, as I don't want to give him any nightmares, but I have to say something. 

Posted on: Tue, Jan 29 2008 5:37 AM

Posted by: KevSam2003 Posts: 27

Hi Nicole.  And welcome to DisaBoom.  I think you should tell the kid the truth about what happened, but scale it back to his level of understanding.  Say, "When I was a little girl, I hurt my leg real bad.  Now it doesn't work right."  Then tell him that the doctors tried to fix your leg, and then show him the scar.  A 7 year old boy will probably think the scar is cool.  Tell him that he can ask any questions he wants.  As he gets older he'll probably ask more questions, and then you can give more involved answers.  This is what we're currently doing with my nephew and younger cousins.  I told my nephew that I fell and now my legs don't work, so I have to be in the chair to move around.  I also used the opportunety to say. "And this is why your momma doesn't want you to climb trees.  You can fall too and then your legs might not work."  And the "Nicole's Stroller", I'm feeling ya, my nephew just loves to push Uncle Kevin around, and go for rides too.  Hope this helps.  

Kevin 

Posted on: Tue, Jan 29 2008 1:21 PM

Posted by: Nightengale Posts: 665

Kids will get it if you answer their questions and just tell them the truth simply.

I work with kids professionally.  I don't always have my cane out around them but I sometimes do and sometimes they ask.  I say "it helps me walk", or "my legs don't work as well as yours so I use it to walk."

More than your words, kids will take your atiitudes from you.  If disability is treated as a big serious secret they will be uncomfrotable.  If it is treated as part  of a person that that person is OK withthan it becomes less of an issue.  That there wil always be things that people are good at and less good at - physical, artistic, cooking, math or whatever and kids are able to understand this too.

Posted on: Tue, Jan 29 2008 2:00 PM

Posted by: itsetc Posts: 25

Hi,

When my son was 8 years old, I adopted him, he is my wife son from her first marriage. At first , I was able to walk some when a set of leg braces and cruthes, and he just came out and this is word for word. " Dad, are you what people called a crip?" I was shocked at him using the word crip, but I sat down with him and told him I was a handicapped, not a crip, or a cripple. I used the word handicapped and right away he said that what some of the kids at school called me and told him not to get to close to e for he might get what I have.. I told hom I had Polio when i was 3 days old and I got my shots and he couldnt get what I got. I asked him he he ever took a sugar cube with medicince in it at school and he said yes.

I told him that was the medicine I told but I got mine in a shot in my arm and I should him the place where the shot was. He thought the mark from the neddle was cool and I told him, that would be there for the rest of my life.

He went to school the next day and around 10:30am, I got a call from the school to come down for my son got into a fight. The fight was he stood up for me and said that some of the kids called me a freak and he didnt like that. Now you tell me,  how to you punish your son for sticking up for you. My son grew up to love me and has always called me DAD and now I am Grandpa. He got a 2 yr old daughter and she is not afriad f my wheelchair for thats what she has been around ever since she was born.

Eplain what your problem is, it might take a few time to get him to understand what your problem is, but he will come around and fall in love with you, just like your his real dad.

If you want to talk about this or anything else, write me at   itsetc@comcast.net ...I will try to get back to you as soon as I can.

Good Luck and best wishes,

John A. Patrick

Posted on: Tue, Jan 29 2008 2:22 PM

Posted by: Kara Posts: 2,278

With a 7-year-old, I would suggest being open, honest, and age-appropriate with your explanation. I'm glad you recognize that it's not a good idea to skirt the issue because with a child his age he's likely to just think the worst and jump to conclusions. He will assume things like--your condition might be contagious, you might be dying, and "it hurts". I'm not sure of your actual diagnosis so I don't have any suggestions for you on how to explain it to him but I know it will be helpful to make him feel informed and secure. Let him know it's not taboo and that it's ok for him to ask questions. Also, as you travel together-bring it up if you notice that he sees people staring at you. He might not be willing to bring it up but might need/want to talk about it. 

This is the same approach we apply with kids diagnosed with cancer in the children's hospital where I work. I know it's hard for parents to talk about these issues with their kids but if they don't-the kids will fill in the blanks worse than you can imagine. Good luck and I'm really happy for you to get to enjoy parenting!  

Disaboom moderator


My personal blog: If the World Had Wheels

Posted on: Wed, Feb 6 2008 11:47 AM

Posted by: Daniel502 Posts: 431

John,

that is an amazing story. How do you punish a kid for sticking up for you? That was obviously the right thing to do (but without fighting if possible). It is sad that he had to do that, but kids will be kids and I am not surprised that other kids were being so harsh. I agree that the best method is the truth. Kids have an ability to understand things that we don't think they are capable of. Obivously, it might not be a full understanding, but breaking things down and explaining on their level (I fell down and hurt my leg), can be a great way to start educating your children about your condition. Bravo to you! 

Posted on: Wed, Feb 6 2008 1:34 PM

Posted by: itsetc Posts: 25

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