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Posted on: Wed, Feb 6 2008 6:37 PM

Posted by: EscapeArtist Posts: 18

ramla:

 but the truth is jess that they are very few man with the heart to let a disable into their life's, they are disables who are lucky and get an able man to love them and ready to do anything for them to be cared for and be happy. WE are just not lucky jess, the only thing u will benefit from them is taking advantage of u or humiliate you just becouse u confessed ur feeling to them. Jess able man are afraid to take such responsibilities, they would be asheamed if people saw us with them, they wont be able to show off they married a good or beautiful lady.

Yeah, like it or not, that's how male gender roles tend to work in U.S. culture, and from a purely evolutionary standpoint, men look for women who look healthy and will bear healthy children. We, that is, disabled women, do not look/seem healthy, and often it's not immediately apparent that we even have sexual feelings or can have sex. I guess that's part of the reason why no matter how pretty my face or (clothed) body is, I'm not gonna have much luck in attracting able-bodied men. And I guess disabled women instictively seek able men because that's what we've learned is normal, and we want to be as "normal" as possible, right? And we never see disabled women getting together with able men on tv or anything ("Children of a Lesser God" is one of the rare exceptions. I love that movie), and we all want a partner who can care for us. Able men don't see disabled women as being able to care for them, and disabled women don't see disabled men as being able to care for them, either. Those are generalities, of course, and I don't think those things are necessarily true, but they seem to hold up.   

So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they  flock.  Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging.

I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)

Posted on: Thu, Feb 7 2008 9:57 AM

Posted by: tom1821 Posts: 52

Believe me Escape, there are abled-bodied men out there who are attracted to disabled girls.  They're few and far between, but they're out there.  I've heard a few times of very severe CP woman being with an abled bodied guy, so it does happen, maybe not very often, but still!   I'm not saying just wait and he will come, you may never find him, but they're out there!  I know how much you hurt!  Tom

Posted on: Thu, Feb 7 2008 9:26 PM

Posted by: EscapeArtist Posts: 18

It's good to hear that, because I actually believe that you do know. I love this place. :)

Posted on: Fri, Feb 8 2008 4:49 AM

Posted by: Jolie Posts: 25

Well I have had my experiences of I have a great guy for you. WHat is offensive to you and not attractive is that as great as these people may actually be, the greatest supposed attraction by the arrangers is that he is disabled. And that is insulting. IF you meet the disabled guy, and you like him basically sae thing - well people are going to say that is best you could get. There is nothing wrong with being disabled but no one likes being pigeon holed. I would not like to go to a store and only be offered one stlye of shirts.  That being said, if you expect someone to look passt your disabilies and accept you as you are......how are you deserving of it if you dont do the same.

You were given a flawed body because of Gods perfect plan. Wow, cheesy sounding wasnt it. I think you need to worry less about who you attract and boosting your own self esteem. I think that is where problem lies.

Posted on: Fri, Feb 8 2008 7:25 AM

Posted by: Rocketman Posts: 7

Hi! There

Tell me more.

graham_1736@yahoo.co.uk

Best wishes

Graham

Posted on: Fri, Feb 8 2008 4:07 PM

Posted by: CoffeeCat Posts: 2

Hey Jess,

  I too have CP and have dating mostly "able-bodied" men. I think the thing that matters most is how you feel about yourself, that has a lot to do with the people you attract.  I am 34 and have had a lot of dating experiance, I was married for 8 years and we broke up because we were moving in different directions. I am dating someone now who has had experiance with disability because one of his brothers was extremely disabled and he had to often take care of him. I have been out with 2 men who have had a relitive who was disabled in my experiance they have understood my needs and wants best. They have been able to look past my difference and it becomes a non-issue. 

  I hope that you find someone who not only understands that you are like everybody else but are beautifully different all at the same time. Please don't mistake love for sex, and please don't let anyone take avantage of you. It's true when people say that love is patient and kind.  

 Have a great day!

  Kate
 

Posted on: Fri, Feb 8 2008 5:43 PM

Posted by: Justin DeCastro Posts: 589

I've basically been waiting for some able-bodied male to be able to see past my chair ....

jrose, we'll be waiting till the grave for anyone -- male or female, able or not -- to every be able to see "past (our) chair(s)" or whatever disability we have.  I'm sure I'm upsetting a lot of people by saying this, but no one will inevitably be able to miss any sort of discernible disability we might have once we become involved with them.  And what's so wrong with their recognizing the disability as just one unique feature that makes us the individual we are?  Is it so bad to see the disability we have in our overall personal "context" as individual human beings?  I think not.  

I have never had a significant other (longterm lover/partner) who was disabled.  They've all been able women and men, and in each of these relationships, whenever I've made a fuss about my disability possibly being a turn-off, I was told I was being too self-critical and hung up on total perfection, that by comparison to many "able bodied" guys, I'm about as perfect as they are ALL THINGS CONSIDERED (not just the disability is considered, you know?), because each had always regarded my disability as something that made me uniquely ME -- that if it had not been for my disability, I would not be the person whom they fell in love with, since my disability impacted my life experience and it is that experience which shaped the guy I am today.  Period. 

Why question something so profoundly put forward to me by more than one partner in my life already?  (Oh, yeah, I know  . . .  we have out insecure moments, don't we?  I still have them, but I instantly remind myself that I've had some really fine looking and wonderful women and men sexually and romantically, so what the hell's my "problem"?  I don't really have one that I'm not creating myself, I figure.)

What is this stigma that seems to have a death grip on disabled men in the eyes of single, disabled women?

It seems to go for both genders -- guys and gals -- as far as this stigma you speak of, jrose.  In my mind, the guy or gal who will attract me does not automatically have a disability. I don't look for a disability in a person in order to be attracted to or become in love with them.  I also don't look for the lack of a disability.

However, if that was a factor in a guy or girl I were to meet, I doubt it would immediately turn me off.  It might give me something to think about, but I wouldn't run away from him/her the way I might have when I was new to the whole world of romantic pursuit. I will probably upset even more people by being painfully honest in saying this, but yes, there was a time when people with certain disabilities would not strike me as potential new girlfriends or boyfriends. 

One prejudice I grew up with was towards having anything romantic to do with someone with severe cerebral palsy, where speech and motor control are especially challenged.  Then, one day not too long ago, I was zapping to a subway elevator on street level when this guy in a chair came out of it.  He and I came within inches of colliding with each other in our chairs, and the smile and laugh he had simultaneously with mine was so damned gorgeous and heart-warming I absolutely could not get my mind off of him later as I got into the subway.  He was as physically gorgeous as any Brad Pitt, mind you.  How could I ever have let him slip past me?  I shoulda never gotten into the elevator.  I shoulda chased the dude down and dragged him off to a coffee house to see if there was any chance we might get to know each other, maybe even lay each other if he turned out to be gay or bi, cuz he was hot, hot, hot.  I watch for him all the time when I'm running around downtown, but with my luck, he was probably one of zillions of tourists and I'll never see him again.

Why do women seem to heavily desire able-bodied over disabled???

I'd have to answer your question with my own?  Why do men seem to heaving desire able-bodied over disabled?  Why?  Because we've been socialized and conditioned to be prejudiced against anyone who is NOT the spitting image of physical perfection.  That's why.  And then everyone in society wonders why they haven't landed a partner.  Duhh! 

Is it the "being-taken-care-of" thing? Or a sex thing? Or is it (what I fear most) a status thing??

All three, perhaps, depending on who it is we're talking about. 

 Am I just crazy and hopelessly shallow?

No, not any crazier or any more hopelessly shallow than any of the rest of us in society.   

Go easy on yourselves, folks.  We all need to give ourselves more strokes instead of hitting ourselves in our chests shouting, "Mea culpa." 

Justin 

Posted on: Sun, Feb 10 2008 3:28 PM

Posted by: younglady2008 Posts: 2

Hello everyone

Im a 22year old female with no disability (im sorry i hate that whole abled bodied - not thing)..anyway! Approximately one year ago i split with my bf of 5years he was abled bodied as well - physically but mentally he was all over the place and resulted in my mental health being all over the place as well as physically attacking me on many occasions...neways that has nothing really to do with this but after we broke up i became really good friends with a 26 year old man who has mild CP...he can walk, uses crutches sometimes!..it was nearly like god had sent me this angel to help me and to rebuild my self confidence and my whole life...for the past 7months he has been my best friend.  At first i knew he wanted more than just friendship but i was no where near ready for anything and as far as i was concerned he was just a good friend...he helped me through everything, rang me everyday and even tried to set me up on dates with new men!...i always knew in my heart that he was this special special man that knew exactly what to say to me to make me laugh and i could be myself with him n the best seemed to come out in me when i was around him...BUT...i was terrifed of his disability and i would never want to hurt him BUT over christmas i just couldnt help myself and i told him how i felt - that ive liked him more than any of the men he's tried to set me up with and that he makes me laugh more than i ever have in my whole life - its like he knows exactly what to say at that particular time and hes the nicest person i know....he just shines with so much goodness and hes HOT!...when im with him i don't even notice that he uses crutches...its his smile and ability to make me laugh that just drive me crazy!...

We both live in very small areas...in which everyone knows our every move...and i know that people are talking about us...about me more than him - i suppose - they think im going to hurt him - but why should it be any different to me hurting him than him hurting me? and am i wrong to give it a try and see how it goes because i yearn for spening time with him...hes loved by everyone and known by everyone as being sooo kind and gentle and good...and i just know people are talking about me BUT I DONT CARE...im not going to regret not spending time with someone who makes me happier than i could ever have imagined...