Last post Sun, Jun 01 2008 3:18 PM by Shannon. 75 replies.
I can't say how able bodied I am in the eyes of a disabled girl, I too am brain injured. I would love to find a disabled girl that I could love and cherish for all of life, but am I just a hopeless romantic?
I know how ya feel. I am 28 with MD. I am going to contact you, maybe we can help each other....
I really don't think your feelings on wanting an abled bodied partner are wrong. It makes sense that we would gravitate toward someone who can fulfill our needs and being disabled, we often need caretakers. That's not to say that you're looking for a caretaker, but it certainly is part of the package. Or, can be. I don't think you're biased toward disabled men; I think you're just attracted to able bodied men. We all have a "type," right? Don't beat yourself up about this one.
"I believe everything out of the common. The only thing to distrust is the normal."John Buchan
hi jess you r not alone in that sitution, my name is ramla and im also CP 27years and i have went through school and collage i was working but now im jobless searching for a job. i also have no boyfriend till now, im also yearning for an able man to see pass my disabillity and respect my capabilties and knowladge to love me and give me the chance to be in his life but the truth is jess that they are very few man with the heart to let a disable into their life's, they are disables who are lucky and get an able man to love them and ready to do anything for them to be cared for and be happy. WE are just not lucky jess, the only thing u will benefit from them is taking advantage of u or humiliate you just becouse u confessed ur feeling to them. Jess able man are afraid to take such responsibilities, they would be asheamed if people saw us with them, they wont be able to show off they married a good or beautiful lady. im also confused now and im tiered of waiting that ABLE MAN to come and swift of my legs from the floor, i guess i will open my heart to the disable mans now who are educated and searching for love just like me. by the way i am an arab muslim lady from kenya. i would like to be your friend jess we can share alot together and comfort each other. Take care of urself
Hi Jess. My name is Sarah. I'm 30 yrs old and have CP. I don't think you're wrong in your feelings. You're human. Unlike you, I have had boyfriends - all were able bodied. While some just couldn't cope with the idea of being with a "disabled" woman, I've also had others who treated me like gold. I've been extremely lucky in that I've managed to stay friends with them. I've also been in a situation where I caught the attention of a disabled man - who also had CP. For me personally, it wasn't a good thing. He was too needy, wanted me to take care of him - that type of thing. I'll be honest - and yes, I know it may sound shallow - I have enough to deal with my own CP related issues. I couldn't take on his too. He accused me of being a hypocrite, but I knew in my heart that it would be worse if I lead him on. If you feel attracted to abled bodied, rather than disabled men, don't hide from it. It shows you're being true to yourself. Remember that, and I guarentee you'll find Mr. Right someday. Hope this helps. Take care.
Hello Jess,
And to everyone else who has been writing on the above subject. There is a website I would like you all to check out. I was a part of it when my kids were teenagers (as a mom with CP). I don't remember how I came upon it, but I think it would be very worthwhile for you all to look over. The same goes for all you guys. Yes, able-bodies individuals do have their stereotypes even in this day and age. But please remember that beauty is only skin deep, and there ARE people out there, if they are really SINCERE, who won't even make the "dis" part an issue. On the same note, I have a girlfriend with CP who had the opportunity to marry, but chose not to, and I respect her decision. It didn't make her any less of a person in my eyes. I believe love comes when you least expect it. If you wait for it too hard, it can consume your life. I'm not saying to give up hope, I'm just suggesting to try and keep the issue in the proper perspective. The webiste is as follows:
http://disabledparents.net/parentempowermentnetwork.html
Just my 2 cents, as I've been there, done that.
Shirley
Ms. Jrose, It does not matter who you fall in love just taht you are in love with someone you care about deeply. True love it does matter whether the partner is handicapped or or ablebodied. You should fall in love with the person for who they are and what they are not whether they are disabled or not.
I can see all the points of view here and I agree with them all. I wrote this in the lovebyrd forums relationships section on true love and soul mates. I have gotten many great responses from both men and women who are single. some are who are in relationships and some who are married. I have had married people im and say this is what they are loooking for in their relationship. this is what they want to achieve.
Hmmmmm a soul mate, well I have put alot of thought into this before I write this. A soul mate to me is the woman in my life whjo has been with me for over 15 years combined twice. We have had our ups and downs through our relationship. She is on of my best friends in the whole world. She knows me sometimes better than I know myself. She is my partner in life and my copilot. She has had every right to get rid of me many times during our first time together. I was a player at times and I am not proud of it but I cheated on her 3 times. On the 3rd time she looked at me with tears streaming down her face and said the words i have never ever forgotten. She said this is it, Please dont ever break my heart because I will be gone forever and never comeback again. I have lived with those words till this day. When we got back together the 2nd time after being seperated for nearly 10 years and both of us were in long term relationships, I have had to prove to her everyday that I was here to stay forever this, this time would be diffferent. She is really starting to feel more comfortable, because we were both beat up pretty badly emotuionally in our last relationships. WE ironically were going through the same things with our Ex's and we started talking again adn she helped me through some of the darkest days of my life and vice versa. She and I have been through everything with each other. I broke up with my ex first and then soon after that I helped her to get away from her ex. I asked her before we met again in person "Did she need my updated resume and she said no that since we had been talking for a couple of months and were getting closer that she "Did NOT NEED my updated resume. The first time that we met again in person she had just broken up with her ex. the day before and we agreed after much heeing and hawing to go to dinner and the movies. Well I got over to her house and well she had trouble because she was emotionally just spent. I said I will Hold you all night long and just hold you in my arms and let you know it will be ok. Well the minutes seem to stand still because after 15 excruiating minutes we both agreed for me to go home and She would call me when she was ready. I said fine not a problem. She called later that night and I did not pick up because I was with another friend who had her heart broken that night too. My now girlfriend left a message for me that said I will never be able to repay you for your understanding tonight and I love you with all my heart and you didnt get mad which you could have and you didnt. I will never ever forget this. Well we kept talking for the next week and the next weekend on a cold blustrary "I asked her out on a date" and she was blown away. We went to dinner and the movies. We turned off our cell phones, and just had a wonderful time, we got popcorn and soda's and we were like high school teenagers on a first date again. After the movie was over we had to walk all the way across the parking lot with blustry wind whipping around and snow flurrries falling from the sky and I stopped us walking towards the car and I had her get down on her kneee on the cold pavement and she thought I was nuts at first and I looked into her eyes and "I said I have fallen in love with you all over again tonight, I am in love with you but I will fell in love with you all over again." WE kissed for like 10 minutes and the world stood still for that 10 minutes. I fall more and more in love everyday with her. She is my everything, and we spend alot of time together and we text message the hell out of each other. The little things is what means so much. Our 2nd time around has been absolutely awesome. To those people that dont think true love is possible I got news for you it is. VUR
ramla: but the truth is jess that they are very few man with the heart to let a disable into their life's, they are disables who are lucky and get an able man to love them and ready to do anything for them to be cared for and be happy. WE are just not lucky jess, the only thing u will benefit from them is taking advantage of u or humiliate you just becouse u confessed ur feeling to them. Jess able man are afraid to take such responsibilities, they would be asheamed if people saw us with them, they wont be able to show off they married a good or beautiful lady.
but the truth is jess that they are very few man with the heart to let a disable into their life's, they are disables who are lucky and get an able man to love them and ready to do anything for them to be cared for and be happy. WE are just not lucky jess, the only thing u will benefit from them is taking advantage of u or humiliate you just becouse u confessed ur feeling to them. Jess able man are afraid to take such responsibilities, they would be asheamed if people saw us with them, they wont be able to show off they married a good or beautiful lady.
Yeah, like it or not, that's how male gender roles tend to work in U.S. culture, and from a purely evolutionary standpoint, men look for women who look healthy and will bear healthy children. We, that is, disabled women, do not look/seem healthy, and often it's not immediately apparent that we even have sexual feelings or can have sex. I guess that's part of the reason why no matter how pretty my face or (clothed) body is, I'm not gonna have much luck in attracting able-bodied men. And I guess disabled women instictively seek able men because that's what we've learned is normal, and we want to be as "normal" as possible, right? And we never see disabled women getting together with able men on tv or anything ("Children of a Lesser God" is one of the rare exceptions. I love that movie), and we all want a partner who can care for us. Able men don't see disabled women as being able to care for them, and disabled women don't see disabled men as being able to care for them, either. Those are generalities, of course, and I don't think those things are necessarily true, but they seem to hold up.
So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they flock. Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging.
I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)
Believe me Escape, there are abled-bodied men out there who are attracted to disabled girls. They're few and far between, but they're out there. I've heard a few times of very severe CP woman being with an abled bodied guy, so it does happen, maybe not very often, but still! I'm not saying just wait and he will come, you may never find him, but they're out there! I know how much you hurt! Tom
It's good to hear that, because I actually believe that you do know. I love this place. :)
Well I have had my experiences of I have a great guy for you. WHat is offensive to you and not attractive is that as great as these people may actually be, the greatest supposed attraction by the arrangers is that he is disabled. And that is insulting. IF you meet the disabled guy, and you like him basically sae thing - well people are going to say that is best you could get. There is nothing wrong with being disabled but no one likes being pigeon holed. I would not like to go to a store and only be offered one stlye of shirts. That being said, if you expect someone to look passt your disabilies and accept you as you are......how are you deserving of it if you dont do the same.
You were given a flawed body because of Gods perfect plan. Wow, cheesy sounding wasnt it. I think you need to worry less about who you attract and boosting your own self esteem. I think that is where problem lies.
Hi! There
Tell me more.
graham_1736@yahoo.co.uk
Best wishes
Graham
Hey Jess,
I too have CP and have dating mostly "able-bodied" men. I think the thing that matters most is how you feel about yourself, that has a lot to do with the people you attract. I am 34 and have had a lot of dating experiance, I was married for 8 years and we broke up because we were moving in different directions. I am dating someone now who has had experiance with disability because one of his brothers was extremely disabled and he had to often take care of him. I have been out with 2 men who have had a relitive who was disabled in my experiance they have understood my needs and wants best. They have been able to look past my difference and it becomes a non-issue.
I hope that you find someone who not only understands that you are like everybody else but are beautifully different all at the same time. Please don't mistake love for sex, and please don't let anyone take avantage of you. It's true when people say that love is patient and kind.
Have a great day!
Kate
I've basically been waiting for some able-bodied male to be able to see past my chair ....
jrose, we'll be waiting till the grave for anyone -- male or female, able or not -- to every be able to see "past (our) chair(s)" or whatever disability we have. I'm sure I'm upsetting a lot of people by saying this, but no one will inevitably be able to miss any sort of discernible disability we might have once we become involved with them. And what's so wrong with their recognizing the disability as just one unique feature that makes us the individual we are? Is it so bad to see the disability we have in our overall personal "context" as individual human beings? I think not.
I have never had a significant other (longterm lover/partner) who was disabled. They've all been able women and men, and in each of these relationships, whenever I've made a fuss about my disability possibly being a turn-off, I was told I was being too self-critical and hung up on total perfection, that by comparison to many "able bodied" guys, I'm about as perfect as they are ALL THINGS CONSIDERED (not just the disability is considered, you know?), because each had always regarded my disability as something that made me uniquely ME -- that if it had not been for my disability, I would not be the person whom they fell in love with, since my disability impacted my life experience and it is that experience which shaped the guy I am today. Period.
Why question something so profoundly put forward to me by more than one partner in my life already? (Oh, yeah, I know . . . we have out insecure moments, don't we? I still have them, but I instantly remind myself that I've had some really fine looking and wonderful women and men sexually and romantically, so what the hell's my "problem"? I don't really have one that I'm not creating myself, I figure.)
What is this stigma that seems to have a death grip on disabled men in the eyes of single, disabled women?
It seems to go for both genders -- guys and gals -- as far as this stigma you speak of, jrose. In my mind, the guy or gal who will attract me does not automatically have a disability. I don't look for a disability in a person in order to be attracted to or become in love with them. I also don't look for the lack of a disability.
However, if that was a factor in a guy or girl I were to meet, I doubt it would immediately turn me off. It might give me something to think about, but I wouldn't run away from him/her the way I might have when I was new to the whole world of romantic pursuit. I will probably upset even more people by being painfully honest in saying this, but yes, there was a time when people with certain disabilities would not strike me as potential new girlfriends or boyfriends.
One prejudice I grew up with was towards having anything romantic to do with someone with severe cerebral palsy, where speech and motor control are especially challenged. Then, one day not too long ago, I was zapping to a subway elevator on street level when this guy in a chair came out of it. He and I came within inches of colliding with each other in our chairs, and the smile and laugh he had simultaneously with mine was so damned gorgeous and heart-warming I absolutely could not get my mind off of him later as I got into the subway. He was as physically gorgeous as any Brad Pitt, mind you. How could I ever have let him slip past me? I shoulda never gotten into the elevator. I shoulda chased the dude down and dragged him off to a coffee house to see if there was any chance we might get to know each other, maybe even lay each other if he turned out to be gay or bi, cuz he was hot, hot, hot. I watch for him all the time when I'm running around downtown, but with my luck, he was probably one of zillions of tourists and I'll never see him again.
Why do women seem to heavily desire able-bodied over disabled???
I'd have to answer your question with my own? Why do men seem to heaving desire able-bodied over disabled? Why? Because we've been socialized and conditioned to be prejudiced against anyone who is NOT the spitting image of physical perfection. That's why. And then everyone in society wonders why they haven't landed a partner. Duhh!
Is it the "being-taken-care-of" thing? Or a sex thing? Or is it (what I fear most) a status thing??
All three, perhaps, depending on who it is we're talking about.
Am I just crazy and hopelessly shallow?
No, not any crazier or any more hopelessly shallow than any of the rest of us in society.
Go easy on yourselves, folks. We all need to give ourselves more strokes instead of hitting ourselves in our chests shouting, "Mea culpa."
Justin
