Select a forum below to continue
Posted on: Sat, Mar 8 2008 1:59 AM
Posted by: John H. Pieper Posts: 56
Hmmm.....once you have Dis, Abled you'll not miss?
I'm glad to see that you are not letting social pressures impinge on the happines for the both of you!
Posted on: Sat, Mar 8 2008 4:04 AM
Posted by: cporter001 Posts: 25
Hey Shelob,Thanks for clarifying that. Now I'm even more suspicious of women who might want to date me Not that there has been anyone in the past but at least now I know some signs if anything does happen and seems weird.{laughing} Yeah, Yeah. I specialize in paranoia. Honestly though, this type of person is just out there and can do the same thing with anyone, abled or disabled. They specialize in finding something to exploit, be it a disability, an ego, or a checkbook. Doesn't matter who you are. But like I said in my earlier post, these are not the whole world, and not even in the majority. The majority of people I've ever met are just out there doing the best they can. Think about it; we haven't even had a full twelve years since ADA changed the basic premise the general public uses for a foundation for thinking about people who don't all look, move, or interact like the majority might look, move, or interact. Mainstreaming efforts have gone in an out of educational fashion every few years, so rarely have large numbers of people interacted with people with different disabilities on a regular, everyday basis. So we don't yet have a full educational "generation" who have been educated expecting people with disabilities to be part of the mainstream. We're getting there, but it hasn't happened yet. In the workforce alone, you have at least seven or eight generations trying to interact, with all the confusions caused by differing expectations that that implies, and maybe four or five more if your talking about a comprehensive general US population. So to put it baldly, most people, while sincerely "well meaning" don't have a clue, and are just doing what they can, when they can. Most expectations for social manners of any sort have been largely chucked out the window; not that people don't try to be "nice" to each other; they do! But we've given up most of the formulas in the effort to avoid pigeon-hole-ing people or as a sacrifice to other social changes, and we haven't really come up with any comprehensive substitutes, especially not positive substitutes. Instead, the social interactions between individuals goes without real guidelines and is often dictated more by fears of litigation or by avoidance of social embarrassment. People don't know how to act or what the "rules" are and often, in their confusion, default to not doing anything, not saying anything, not looking, not seeing. I've literally had a mother snatch her child out from in front of me as if I were Frankenstein's monster. (grin) In all honestly, she was trying to make sure the small fry didn't trip me. There was no way she could know that I could see enough not to hit the child with my blind cane. Did she smile, say excuse me, or explain to the child what the cane meant? Nope. She was in the midst of a busy day, and from her harried expression, had no clue what to do and just wanted to escape without doing anything wrong. I don't really fault her for it. It makes a good story. (smile) The fact that I felt like a freak is my problem, not hers. Kids are persistent though, and our town is small. I'm hoping that on another day the kid pestered her for an answer or when less hassled, she took a moment to explain. And THAT's just a chance encounter in a Wal-mart. Multiply that by the additional social pressure of being attracted to someone -- anyone! Then multiply again by whatever factor would be reasonable to account for what the likelihood is that the person who gave you an interested glance has never had a conversation with a person with an apparent disability in his or her adult life. I'm not in any way excusing people who refuse to see us as people; I'm just trying to demonstrate some of the factors on the other side of the interactions. Now personally, I have a bit of an advantage. I sincerely like people -- the average stranger or acquaintance -- and when I'm nervous, I babble. A lot. Cheery chatter about anything. Stories, tales, smart ass remarks; if I'm feeling really awkward, I may not remember much of anything of the conversation, but I'll remember faces and smile later. And I've noticed that when this happens, involuntarily, or when I'm feeling like making the effort, somehow the silly stories about my dogs, my brother's kids, or having just run across the most amazing "whatever" can give people a chance to breathe, blink, gather their wits and their good intentions, their common sense, what-have-you, and given that chance and a reprieve from the social pressure that silence might highlight, most people rally. They grin, they smile back, they start to listen, and they quickly see the person and have been known to be surprised when I pop my cane out to move on. (laughing} probably because they are somewhat dazed by all the chatter! I've learned to NOT feel like I have to entertain people, and I provide such nattering only when I choose to or when it helps me -- like when I'm nervous in a new location. It's a natural -- ahem -- talent (annoyance?) that I used for much the same purpose before I had vision problems. But it's also a skill that can be learned to some degree, though it's not the only tactic out there for assisting others through awkward moments. I've also found that sometimes people ask their first questions of someone other than me, and I've chosen not to be offended by this. Example. A student of mine from two different classes was working in the cafe at the local Barnes and Noble. As a life-time English major and history freak, I adore books, and have gobbled up each technological advance that contributes toward maintaining my addiction. I have some residual vision, I always carry magnifiers, and I'll ask for help if I want it. All the local booksellers have gotten used to me in this multi-college town. (grin) But for the unfamiliar, a woman moving rapidly and somewhat erratically around a bookstore with a blind cane while peering myopically at book covers and shelves can seem a bit odd. Several times, well meaning people have asked Betsy, my former student, "is she okay?" meaning, shouldn't someone be escorting her around and helping her and why is a blind woman looking at books anyway? Betsy's standard response: "That's _______; she's fine. Teaches at the university; she'll say something if she needs anything." So over time, they see me tapping around downtown, sitting on the floor of the bookstore to peer at the books on the bottom shelf, hear me chatting with strangers at bus stops and with the retail people in stores, and they realize that I’m not at all hard to talk to. Later, these same people smile when they see me. (Betsy pointed out a couple of them to me; I was tempted to walk up and say “boo” but I sacrificed that joyous moment of insanity for the greater good. {grin}) One now regularly asks if I've found anything good, and we chat for a few moments about books. Another stopped one day to ask about my knitting, and now comes to regular meetings of the local sit and knit at one of the other coffee shops. Such connections come in small increments. Natural instinct causes anyone to pause or mentally "step back" when faced with the unfamiliar. But that's just animal instinct. Given a moment and the opportunity to have that instinctive hesitation overlooked, vast numbers of people will then step forward as human beings; they may be hesitant. It may take four or five times the number of low-pressure contacts to get past the combined effect of a person's reaction to the unfamiliarity of a specific disability and of a person's own comfort barriers with any new contacts. And maybe I suffer from an undiagnosed case of Anne Frank syndrome (people are basically good at heart); but with a little finagling over the awkward bits, and with low-pressure enjoyment of people in general, real connections get made, and those are what lead to relationships. One other thought. Most bars are meat-markets. People don't make connections of the "real" sort that way. The real connections come when they recognize each other elsewhere, in the rest of life -- at the grocery, the mall, the copy machine at the office, the vet, the library, the softball field, the bookstore, the coffee house, the county fair, dog training class, the street festival, or at a friend's kid's /niece's or nephew's school play or piano recital. Several run-in's in "regular" places, (at a reasonable, non-stalker-like rate), and you become part of normal life. THAT's when you can get a real sense of whether or not there's a potential connection as a friend or as a date.
Hey Shelob,Thanks for clarifying that. Now I'm even more suspicious of women who might want to date me Not that there has been anyone in the past but at least now I know some signs if anything does happen and seems weird.
If you're just looking for sex, well, THAT's a whole 'nother topic and attitude. Fun, faster, and entertaining, but rarely lasting. Just depends on what you're interested in at the time. (grin) Just a girl’s take on the whole thing, but there you have it.
Posted on: Sat, Mar 15 2008 3:19 PM
Posted by: Palsy Posts: 12
Hello Jess. my name is Kirsten. I'm new to this community, but I was looking around and saw your post and wanted to contribute. I'm a 22-year-old woman with cerebral palsy. I have an able-bodied boyfriend, almost fiance. I can totally relate to what you're going through. I went for long time without having anyone seriously interested in me. It was so frustrating, because I could tell that they like me, but they just couldn't seem to get over the fact that I had to use a wheelchair to get around. I had my share rejections too. In fact, there was a point where I seriously considered not having any eggs, because I figured it would never use them. I also considered becoming lesbian, because guys were so frustrating. I figured, well, if I'm attracted to them, but they're not attracted to me, what's the point?
But believe me, it's worth keeping your hopes up. I finally did find a guy that was right for me, and I'm not joking when I say he dropped into my lap. At the time, I wasn't really focused on what kind of person he was (able-bodied were disabled), and I had never really given any thought to which one I desired more. Perhaps this has changed a little bit, but it wasn't until I actually had relationship that I was able to consider the possible differences between two different kinds of boyfriends.
For me, I may have the opposite attraction. Sometimes I wonder if could be attracted to disabled guys more than able-bodied ones. I'm sure I could, but I think it's because I know that I could share some life experiences with him, that I wouldn't be able to share with any other kind of man, no matter how much he tried to understand. I don't think you're wrong in wanting what you want. Having somebody to treat you kindly, love you, and all that, for the woman that you are - you shouldn't feel bad. Even if you do have a preference for able-bodied men. So what?
But you never know. Love surprises you when you lease expect it. I've been surprised by love, and let me tell you, the man that eventually became my boyfriend - he was the last thing I would have pictured for someone to fall in love with. Finding someone that doesn't care about your disability, can be difficult, but I'm sure the right man will have no trouble seeing you. Trust me. When the right one comes along, the only thing he will be able to see is you. Not your chair; not your disability; not anything but a beautiful woman.
You just have to be patient. I hope this has made you feel better. I know how hard it is, and it doesn't feel like anyone can tellyou anything now will make you feel positive about it, but stay happy. You never know when Mr. right is going to walk through your door.
PS: if there are any weird spelling mistakes, it's my stupid speech recognition software :P
Posted on: Tue, Mar 18 2008 3:02 PM
Posted by: fluffysurf Posts: 8
Hi, have been asked by my ab partner to add my point of view.After a rta 5 yrs ago i found myself in a wheelchair i am c5 c6 injury so am quad ,no feeling from chest down, limited use of upper body.On coming out of rehab i found my life had changed beyond recognition,to most i had become invisable,to others a victim of pity.I am a six foot 3, 32 yr old man,i found it all very hard to handle.I didn't have any kind of relationsship with women for 4 yrs nothing, they just didn't want to know.One cute girl decided to lap dance for me at a nightclub,which never happend wene i was ab, it left me feeling angry and embarrssed.Other girls would pat me on the head and say aaaarrr.Great!!.Ayear ago i met up with Nicole we had dated a couple of times b c....before chair! at first i tried to hide didn't want her to see me like this ,but she found me.Ater a couple of dates she invited me to stay. Man can you imagine,god i wanted to but.....my wasted legs,scars,THE CATH!!
Posted on: Fri, Mar 21 2008 9:42 AM
Posted by: Missspunky99 Posts: 146
Posted on: Fri, Apr 18 2008 12:10 AM
Posted by: rhudson765 Posts: 2
WHy not try the next best thing. A mildly disabled an that can take care of you. I am a mildly autistic 33 year old man that lives independently and can take care of a disabled partner. Unfortunatly beecause of my disability I am shy and odd in demanor.
Posted on: Sat, Apr 19 2008 11:13 AM
Posted by: PerfectlyImperfect Posts: 800
i dont necessarily see anything wrong with you wanting to be with an able bodied man.. however, i think if you were to happen to be attracted to someone else with a disability, and you pushed them away, simply because you wanted your "tall, dark, and handsome" dream man, that would be wrong.. i can see the point that someone earlier(dont remember who it was, sorry)made about being worried about being with someone else with a disability because its hard enough to take care of themselves, and to try and take care of someone else would be too much.. that is definitley a very valid point.. personally, my condition is physical, and in comparison to many on here, very mild.. however, i too have been shot down by "normal" guys.. for example, in my freshman year of high school, i liked this one guy.. he was funny, cute, a jock, ect.. he acted like he liked me for several months but kept stressing he "wanted to get to know me better before taking the next step".. me, being naive and doe eyed, let him string me along for months, despite the fact my very protective guy friends were telling me he wasnt worth my time.. eventually, one of them confronted him and he admitted he wouldnt date me bc of my hands bc he didnt want his friends to make fun of him.. i was crushed.. my guy friends who always looked out for me threatened him within an inch of his life that he better not ever hurt me again, and they promised me id find someone who would accept me for me.. eventually the guy and i became friends and he apologized for his ignorance.. that one situation has left me very afraid to trust.. almost 5 years later i still question whether or not a guy isnt liking me because of my hands, despite ive had a couple promise it wasnt even an issue to them.. ive yet to be in a "real" relationship, but im beginning to think its not because of my hands, but just because i havent found the right guy yet..
Posted on: Fri, Apr 25 2008 6:15 AM
Posted by: lauarasweetou Posts: 16
This reply totally hurts and pisses me off. Go to this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attraction_to_disability and do your research first.
Laura
Most Active Users
These are the users who are most active on our forums.
rainey826
Lynn
wheels4law
sandyfreytag
pambe
