Last post Sun, Jun 01 2008 3:18 PM by Shannon. 75 replies.
WHy not try the next best thing. A mildly disabled an that can take care of you. I am a mildly autistic 33 year old man that lives independently and can take care of a disabled partner. Unfortunatly beecause of my disability I am shy and odd in demanor.
i dont necessarily see anything wrong with you wanting to be with an able bodied man.. however, i think if you were to happen to be attracted to someone else with a disability, and you pushed them away, simply because you wanted your "tall, dark, and handsome" dream man, that would be wrong.. i can see the point that someone earlier(dont remember who it was, sorry)made about being worried about being with someone else with a disability because its hard enough to take care of themselves, and to try and take care of someone else would be too much.. that is definitley a very valid point.. personally, my condition is physical, and in comparison to many on here, very mild.. however, i too have been shot down by "normal" guys.. for example, in my freshman year of high school, i liked this one guy.. he was funny, cute, a jock, ect.. he acted like he liked me for several months but kept stressing he "wanted to get to know me better before taking the next step".. me, being naive and doe eyed, let him string me along for months, despite the fact my very protective guy friends were telling me he wasnt worth my time.. eventually, one of them confronted him and he admitted he wouldnt date me bc of my hands bc he didnt want his friends to make fun of him.. i was crushed.. my guy friends who always looked out for me threatened him within an inch of his life that he better not ever hurt me again, and they promised me id find someone who would accept me for me.. eventually the guy and i became friends and he apologized for his ignorance.. that one situation has left me very afraid to trust.. almost 5 years later i still question whether or not a guy isnt liking me because of my hands, despite ive had a couple promise it wasnt even an issue to them.. ive yet to be in a "real" relationship, but im beginning to think its not because of my hands, but just because i havent found the right guy yet..
This reply totally hurts and pisses me off. Go to this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attraction_to_disability and do your research first.
Laura
Hello…….. I was able bodied till age 39. I am 48 now. My father had CP but not my mother. Mother did not stay with dad long. Dad married a young woman with CP. She was very bright and full of life. My father was verbally abusive. He is dead now but she spent 28 years with him and is not the same outgoing sure of herself person she was. I would say to you, do not settle (for the best you think you can get). Wait for a good match. When I was young I would have only looked at able bodied woman but as I entered my late 20’s it would not have matted. I did some growing up. (If I had not already been married) But I think a handicapped woman would have to be more outgoing and aggressive for me given it thought. Sometimes you have to hit a guy upside his head with a board for him to notice something a woman thinks is obvious. I have had a stroke. So I don’t know for sure if my little story is relevant or not. lol but I hope it is of some small help. Anyway I hope you have a great life and being handicapped does not mean you deserve less than an able bodied woman.
Hey Jess,
It is ALL about the attitude. If you are around guys thinking that they will not appreciate you because of your CP, then it will work its way outward and show in your whole demeanor. Forget your disability, as much as you can, and just imagine yourself as sexy and beautiful and guys will want to be all over you.
Folks with Cerebral Palsy have an amazing resilience in them that is undeniably attractive. We're tough. We're optimistic. We don't let small thing get us down. THAT'S HOT.
Your guy will come. Whether he's in a wheelchair or not, he will be perfect for you.
I met the love of my life (a 6'5" AB hunk of a man) the first day of college, where I was so busy and starry-eyed that I didn't have time to think about my disability. I guess it worked, because we're now seniors and still together!
cporter001: Kahli: Also to everyone out there: I noticed the question on devotees. What exactly are those? I'm assuming they're people who search out the disabled and date them to make them feel better which if that's true that's kind of a pity thing which is not good. Is that correct? Hi Kahli, You've almost got it right, but their reasons for seeking out people with disabilities usually don't have anything to do with making the person with the disability feel better -- at least, not really. Devotees often have a "favorite" disability that they target; they like the attention they get from being with a disabled person, they are really focused on making themselves feel superior because they are dating a disabled person. At first they can seem to be really great, open-minded, etc., but often you'll get an odd sense of something weird going on. If they don't know anything about a particular medical condition, they'll constantly ask you about it, and often it will seem as if EVERY interaction is more about your disability than about you. If they do know about it, they'll be an expert on it all the time letting you know the "best" way to do everything. Much of the whole relationship is about control. A devotee will slowly work to ensure that you are very dependant on them for all the little daily things like running errands, etc., which allows them to let their friends know how much they "do for you." It's like a martyr thing, but a glamorous, "see how devoted and helpful and selfless and cheery I am" kind of thing, rather than the bitter martyr thing. They get off on "helping" and on making you out to be a superman or wonder-woman person who can overcome anything. And heaven forbid you should ever have a bad day or be cranky 'cause that's not allowed. You can't be part of the "super-friends" club if you admit to wishing you could stay home in bed just this once instead of slogging through the rain, getting out and getting things done. You're not really allowed to be a whole person, but only to be what they WANT you to be. They may seem at first to be all about making you feel better about yourself, but it's really not about getting to know you as a whole person, a real human being with good days, bad days, hopes, dreams, accomplishments, and failures. Basically, they are often fulfilling some movie script they have in their heads and they cast you (and your disability) to play opposite their leading role. Sick. Creepy. Frustrating as hell when you realize you've been taken in, which can happen to anyone. Some of these people are "good" at what they do. --shelob
Kahli: Also to everyone out there: I noticed the question on devotees. What exactly are those? I'm assuming they're people who search out the disabled and date them to make them feel better which if that's true that's kind of a pity thing which is not good. Is that correct?
Hi Kahli,
You've almost got it right, but their reasons for seeking out people with disabilities usually don't have anything to do with making the person with the disability feel better -- at least, not really. Devotees often have a "favorite" disability that they target; they like the attention they get from being with a disabled person, they are really focused on making themselves feel superior because they are dating a disabled person. At first they can seem to be really great, open-minded, etc., but often you'll get an odd sense of something weird going on. If they don't know anything about a particular medical condition, they'll constantly ask you about it, and often it will seem as if EVERY interaction is more about your disability than about you. If they do know about it, they'll be an expert on it all the time letting you know the "best" way to do everything.
Much of the whole relationship is about control. A devotee will slowly work to ensure that you are very dependant on them for all the little daily things like running errands, etc., which allows them to let their friends know how much they "do for you." It's like a martyr thing, but a glamorous, "see how devoted and helpful and selfless and cheery I am" kind of thing, rather than the bitter martyr thing. They get off on "helping" and on making you out to be a superman or wonder-woman person who can overcome anything. And heaven forbid you should ever have a bad day or be cranky 'cause that's not allowed. You can't be part of the "super-friends" club if you admit to wishing you could stay home in bed just this once instead of slogging through the rain, getting out and getting things done. You're not really allowed to be a whole person, but only to be what they WANT you to be. They may seem at first to be all about making you feel better about yourself, but it's really not about getting to know you as a whole person, a real human being with good days, bad days, hopes, dreams, accomplishments, and failures.
Basically, they are often fulfilling some movie script they have in their heads and they cast you (and your disability) to play opposite their leading role. Sick. Creepy. Frustrating as hell when you realize you've been taken in, which can happen to anyone. Some of these people are "good" at what they do.
--shelob
I find this post very entertaining.
Until now I only saw the sexual side of devotism. (Which is the only thing one gets when reading devotee forums.)
Laurasweet, you may want to give a little hint next time which post you are referring to. I seriously puzzled over that.
Daisies
I have some comments I'd like to share with all.
I personally believe that every disabled person in this world should be able to find an able-bodied person, who will truly love them. Life is about love, not sex. I also believe in the Ying and Yang, and if you are so ignorant to laugh at that, without knowing what it is, then SHAME ON YOU!
Young guys, with the macho thing, might think its cool to trick a disabled girl, for sex, so he can boast about it, thus, breaking her heart.
I was married and with the love of my life for 14 years, when I was diagnosed with having a heart attack, and told that I would not live more than 15 years. My lovely wife kicked me out of the house and raped me in divorce court. Seems her cash-cow would soon stop producing, and it was time to move up the ladder to bigger and better things. PS-I didn't have heart attack. It was a stroke. But, back in the 70's, they didn't diagnose those things.
I believe that not having the stress of being married to this woman, has allowed me to live a longer life. Belief in spritual things, helps, too. But, I won't get into that.
My sweet, darling, young lady, save yourself for the man of your dreams, and don't give something away for just the experience. Your time might not come, right now, but I can tell you that true love is worth waiting for.
You will see!
A "real" man will "value" your purity, and you will give to him a gift that (can never be taken back) and which he will cherish for the remainder of his life, together with you!
Now, my joke of the day. I am sitting in a bar having a beer, listening to some old coot whining and complaining about his life with his wife. He screams, "I never even had sex wife her, before we got married!" Then he asked me, "What about you?"
I said, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
Sorry. But smile and enjoy your life. Get your education, get into your career, socialize and put your feelers out, later.
Everything comes to everybody. EVEN YOU!
REMEMBER THIS!
Then, on your wedding night, you can think about me and say to yourself, while thinking about me, "Thank You!"
Best of luck and may God always bless you!
lauarasweetou: This reply totally hurts and pisses me off. Go to this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attraction_to_disability and do your research first. Laura
It took me a bit to realize which post you were referring to, but since it does appear to be a reference to my post of devotee's; Daisies, I'm glad you were entertained, but seriously, unless both parties in such a relationship have openly discussed it and and agreed to it, set the boundaries and limits, it can get to be a really problematic situation, and damned humiliating and painful for a person with a disability who was unaware that the disability was the draw, rather than the whole person. The people posting in this thread give every indication that they are interested in relationships as whole people, relationships in which their disability is just a natural part of who they are, not their key attractive feature.
Laura, I'm sorry you are hurt and pissed off. But did you read the whole article you referenced? Even the opening paragraph indicates that the whole issue can range from the benign to the psychologically problematic:
"Attraction to disability is a sexualised interest of people in the appearance, sensation and experience of disability. It may extend from normal human sexuality into a type of sexual fetishism. Sexologically, the pathological end of the attraction tends to be seen as a paraphilia, though also as an aspect of identity disorder. "
Perhaps you are a dev who is straight forward and honest with those you interact with in real life, but even the wiki article you referenced notes that many dev's are not, and that many do not disclose with family friends, or partners in real life. Additionally, as the wiki article itself, points out:
"Their attractiveness [the person with the disability] grows in direct proportion with the extent to which they parade their differences in contravention of social norms."
This type of thing is a form of exhibitionism by proxy. Fine and fun if everyone knows that it may be the basis of the whole relationship, but not so fine if the person with the disability thinks that they are actually in a well rounded relationship and only later realizes that much of the relationship is based on the social "cache" they add to the dev's life.
Also:
"relationships between DPWs and disabled people tend to be reported as being ordinary, the attraction being sated by the fact of the partner's disability. It appears that the attraction to disability is undisclosed in a proportion of DPW-disabled relationships. DPWs may press disabled partners to put their disabilities to the fore in intimate situations and exhibit them in social ones."
I found this distinction interesting: "By sex, it is consistently reported that over 90 per cent of DPWs are male. Women attracted to disability may view their feelings as romantic rather than sex-centred, or be disheartened by male domination of the DPW scene."
Romanticizing what's going on doesn't change the nature of the relationship. Only full disclosure by both parties does that.
Viewed objectively, DPW is no different than any other variant on sexual attraction or play -- the same as BDSM, regular exhibitionism, etc. so long as everyone involved knows the score. But as I said before, that's often not the case.
"Some DPWs collect personal data on disabled people, follow and photograph them candidly, call them and write to them, contrive to encounter them, and seek them out at healthcare establishments and disability gatherings. This "potted palm syndrome" (practitioners are said to peep from behind parlour plants) is condemned within the DPW community. Where it spills over into stalking, such behaviour may give grounds for prosecution. Over 85% of Nattress's sample of 50 DPWs stated that they would follow an unknown disabled person matching their preference. Over 57% stated that they would attempt to start a conversation with a randomly encountered disabled person who matched their preference."
Fully read the sections on the psychiatric and sexological aspects of this issue. Better yet, do a serious search of the material found in peer reviewed journals and in disability theory and activism. And consider the article's summary of the stance of people with disabilities (in general -- again, some people do enjoy participating regularly or as a fun variation): If it has any real stance on DPWs, the movement [the disability movement] is generally negative, seeing them as unacceptably needy and fetishistic. Despite early hopes that DPWs were welcome allies in the battle against lookism, the movement has found that they do not offer any escape from the tyranny of visual norms; they merely pile bizarre standards atop mainstream ones. In addition, the 'hero adulation' and protectiveness elements of the attraction are ideologically most unwelcome to the movement.
And by the way, I do and did do my research. I've advanced degrees in doing precisely that. And I use more reliable resources for mine than simply wikipedia, particularly a wiki article with as many noted problems as the one you've referenced. Again, take a look through peer reviewed journals, the literature on disability studies and theory, and on disability activism.
Again, you may not be one of the more problematic dev's that exist. You may be totally open and straightforward with those you interact with. However, if someone's wanting to know what a dev is, I'm not going to only give them the pretty version.
HI I have cerebral palsy and personally I have always perferred to date disabled men. I have married to a disabled man now for 6 years
I have in the past had many problems dating and the like, it is hard for the disabled to go out and find someone that can look passed a limp or see passed a wheelchair and it hurts while your in the process of looking for your soulmate..
All I know is when you do find the right person they won't look at you as a lesser person, and they will love you for who you are..
I don't really get the point in wanting someone who is AB, what if the person you are to be with isn't AB and you are missing the mark by just looking in one direction? But, then again who am I to tell someone to exspand their search? All I ever truly wanted is a BEAUTIFUL chubby redheaded GODDESS and I got that (The best ever), But it took me 37 years..
EscapeArtist: ramla: So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they flock. Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging. I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they flock. Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging. I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)
ramla: So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they flock. Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging. I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)
So what do we do? Do we have any control over how able-bodied potential partners see us? It doesn't seem like it..I mean I've tried to believe in the whole "be yourself and they will come" philosophy. I've been being myself all the time, but they haven't come, except when they see an opprtunity to shove me out of the snow or hold a door. Then they flock. Able men will be friends wih me fairly easily, but romance? I don't think they even consider it a possibility. And that's really, really discouraging.
I'm glad I said something that other people have wanted to say! :)
Hi EscapeArtist its a pleasure to meet you. you know escape that was a good quetion what do we do? u be urself and no one comes along in to ur life, i live it to fate and destiny leads me to coz if u keep hoping we will always be misery abd sad so i just put my mind in my work and try to forget my needs and dreams although its realy hard to accomplish but i fight it down to keep my DIGNITY intact. it hurts more wen u have a funcation in your home and all ur age are married and with there patners you end up stading alone in a corner feeling like an outsider coz u hv no patner with you and to make it worse a couple gets to realise u r all alone and came to give you company just out off pity. IT REALY HURTS ESCAPE but this is our fate to fight the lonliness in our lives and try to move on and keep up with life's daily up and down till the day your life will change and get wat u wanted or fight alone till the day you die!
TO DISABOOM IM VERY PROUD AND HAPPY U COULD OPEN THIS WEBSITE FOR US, YOU MADE IT EASIRE FOR US TO TALK TO OUR FELLOW DISABLES AND COMFORT EACH OTHER BY GIVING EACH OTHER COURAGE AND FAITH TO MOVE ON IN LIFE. IM SAD COZ IM STILL JOBLESS HERE IN KENYA BUT JUST INCASE U CAN HELP ME OUT IN ANYWAY TO GET JOB IN DUBAI COZ I HAVE RELATIVIES THERE, I WILL BE GRATEFULL TO U BECAUSE I FEEL A USELESS PERSON DOING NOTHING AND I FEEL VERY LONLY WIDOUT A JOB. THANK YOU GUYS FOR THIS WEBSITE MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL,
I'm in the same situation. I'm 23 with a rare form of CMT. I haven't dated much and every boyfriend I've had was not disabled. When I was growing up, I always imagined being involved with someone who wasn't disabled. I think a lot of this image was due to the fact that I didn't hang out with anyone who was disabled. Through college and graduate school, I've expanded the range of guys I'd like to be with to include disabled guys. I have nothing against disabled men...I just haven't met any who don't have severe developmental or leaning disabilities. Because of my education and career ambitions, I'm not attracted to disabled guys whose disabilities include issues that are beyond physical. I know that might sound bad to some people but my intelligence is really all I have at this point. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible.
Dating has been so difficult that I've practically given up.
