Last post Fri, May 02 2008 8:51 PM by mitskev. 31 replies.
Hi I came across this website and figure I would join because I have a very good friend of mine only 37 yrs old who had a massive stroke.
This man would do anything for anyone, very caring and loving person. He was taking blood pressure meds and decided to play doctor and take them only when he felt was needed. I feel like I lost my best friend.. I went to see him at the hospital and I never saw a stroke patient. All I could do was cry when I saw him laying there helpless. He did not know who I was? he is parylized on his right side and is not talking.
He spent 3 weeks in shock truama, then was moved to another room. He is beginnging to start therapy. He has been my friend since we were kids and I don't know what to do or say? I am really scared for him because I want him to be him again... Will this happen?? How long is recovery?? I do know he had some bleeding on the brain. What can I do to help him.. I am trying so hard to be supportive!
I miss him, alot!! I am a very positive person and I have God in my life and I pray everyday God will see him through this... Please tell there is hope for my friend..
Thanks, Helpless!!
to ivick 70: i am a 41 y r old woman. i am not married and have no children but i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since i was 17. i am writing to tell you that i read your message regarding your friend who suffered a stroke. i have been searching the internet all day today for any information or support groups just to find someone/anyone who is in the same position i am in. my boyfriend suffered a massive stroke on 10/2/07 approximately 6;30 am. i awoke to find him face down on the floor. he was unable to move his entire right side, could not speak (only slight mumbling) and the entire right side of his face was dropping. i knew strokes existed but i never knew any of the symptoms of a stroke. he was transported to the er by ambulance. all the doctors who spoke with me told me he was the worst stroke victim they had ever seen in their medical career. i am terrified beyond words that i will never have him back. doctors were not very optimistic or in my opinion sensitive to my boyfriend or the severe anxiety i was going through. i know doctors have to do a job and see patients galore but i don't know how you can shut off emotions and treat people whether they are patients or visitors or whomever so heartless. i have no shoulder to cry on or reach out to. i didn't realize until now that people are not concerned about anyone but themselves particularly in times of crisis. i feel so lost and depressed without my boyfriend. i also have God in my life and i pray too that God will pull him through this tragedy. i feel so helpless to do nothing for him. i hope everything will work out for your friend.
lvick70 and meldau,
thank you for sharing about your experience--it sounds like you are both going through a very difficult time.
For medical information on strokes you may want to check out the following (if you haven't already): http://www.disaboom.com/Health/Stroke.aspx
As far as the intangible things, like how to best interact with your friend, I think honesty, compassion and humour are probably in order. i don't know your friend so I don't know what's best for sure, but love them and be there for them and don't be afraid to laugh with them. There is always hope. that's my $0.02.
I've seen two blogs by Disaboomers who have had strokes. Maybe they'll chime in here later...
(otherside) and (morris)
Not really sure how this "reply" system works, so here goes...
My husband just before 9/11 was only 32 and had a major stroke. He and I had not met, he was divorced, and his mom had passed away. His roomates gave away and stole his things, and my sweet Patrick was all alone - except for God. God sent a Preacher to visit Patrick while he was in ICU, and that simple visit gave Patrick hope for his future. After months of rehab, he was able to be released, once he could prove that he was able to do dishes at a sink, and do laundry. He is a paraplegic, with his right side damaged. His right leg does not easily bend, and the foot is curved inward - which is forced tendons and is painful most of the time. His right arm is bent and curled when in a relaxed state, but he is able to partially straighten it. He can stand for maybe as long as 5 minutes at a time, maybe a min or two more, but that is all. At our wedding this past Valentines Day, he couldn't quite stand during the entire ceremony, although the pastor did speed it up a bit. Patrick was so concentrating on standing, that he didn't even notice that I had purchased an official matching wedding ring for him! Patrick said that when he was in ICU, the doctor came to him and said "I don't think you are going to make it". But God said otherwise. Patrick could not speak or swallow, and they had to feed him through a tube. He said that the removal of that tube was extreemly painful. They said that if he didn't get well enough to stand to do dishes/laundry and display some independence, that he would have permanently been assigned to an old folks facility. He was only 32 and didn't want that, so he worked very hard at rehab. On the day that he was to be discharged, he fell out of his chair. It took him a long time, but he was able to drag himself back into his chair. He so feared beind denied the discharge, that he never told them that he had fallen. His medical was paid by Emergency Medicaid because he had no insurance at his employment. Once it ran out, and he was discharged, he is still 100% disabled and wheelchair dependent, but does receive Social Security Disability Income. He did not have me, nor friends to visit him at the hospital, and it had to of been very tough on him. So many times we reflect on that time in his life and he says he wishes I could have been there for him. But I'm here for him now, and always. He is such a trooper! His faith in God is tremendous, and he harbors no ill will toward God. Patrick believes that he offers testament through his disability to others. He wants to be a pastor (probably youth). He has a very cheerful disposition and is very loving. He says that the stroke made him a bit more emotional and sort of heightened different traits of his personality, so some things about him can be taxing, but I understand where he is coming from, so it's ok. He doesn't want anyone else to help him when we're out and feels that I'm the only one who understands him. He helps me feel wanted and needed, which is nice, since I didn't get that from my first marriage. So my advice is to be there, learn all you can about stroke, encourage them all the time, tell them you love them all the time, be extra patient, listen to what they tell you to do when you assist them in duties, spoil them with favorite meals, try to go places often and have as normal a life as possible, and don't believe everything the doctors' tell you. The doctors have limited experience and learning and new things are learned about the brain and nervous system all of the time. Most of all, help you friend with maintaining a strong faith and trust in God. God allows trials like these to occur; they are NOT punishments, ok???
God Bless ALL!
IVICK:
I'm new to the site, too and I wanted to tell you not to assume that your friend doesn't know who you are. I've had several strokes and the thing I usually find most furstrating is that I know what people are saying and I am screaming the answer in my head but the words won't come out and I just look frozen and confused.
I imagine this is really tough to see and quite scary. Give yourself some space to grieve for your friend. Hey, the brain is an amazing thing! it's wonderful how we are able to find new pathways back to ourselves.
"People who think rape is about sex confuse the weapon with the motivation."Alice Vachss
timpoindexter, thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a message. i appreciate that you took the time to send me a message. i hope i can handle this nightmare. i know today was a horrible day for me because doctors so far don't know if he will pull through this at all. if he does pull through they do not feel he will be the man he was. i am terrified of losing someone so important to me. he is such a vital and energetic person. i'm so scared of the outcome. i feel like i can't go on if he doesnt recover.
Meldau - Don't loose hope. So what if your friend isn't exactly the way he was before? Day by day we are different people; life changes us in many different ways. Be open to adjusting to his new needs and personality shifts. This will be a definite growing opportunity for you. You can't just lose hope. Life offers no guarantees, and this time here is transcient and short, anyway. Take the time that you have NOW and enjoy every single second you have with your friend. Savor the moments when he does well, when he comes around to knowing you. If you lose hope, then what will be there for him when he heals to a point of understanding what is going on and learns of the challenges that lay ahead of him. Do you think he can do it alone? Well, maybe he can, but not with as much to look forward to if you are not there waiting for him and being there for him. Hope is one of those things that truly help us to greet another day. Without hope, life looks very bleak. Have hope in healing; have Trust in God that He will give you both the strength to get through this rough patch! God Bless you both!
kaitan.thank you for your reply. i am doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip for my friend. i dont know how i can cope with this. your advice is very inspiring and i cant tell you how much i truly appreciate someone taking the time to respond to me and try to help me even though you dont know me. that speaks volumes about what a warm hearted person you are. that in itself is encouraging. more so since i dont have a supportive family unit. it means a lot to me that you are trying to help me cope. i hope he and i both survive this tragedy thank you again kaitan
lvick70: You also posted this topic in the Welcome Forum and I noticed a reply from Andi which offers good advice and hope for the future. I have copied Andi's reply and posted it here so there is a continuous thread to the discussion.
COMMENT BY ANDI TO LVICK70:
I'm so sorry about your friend. it must be very hard for you to see him as he is , but if I could give you one piece of advice? Dont assume that he doesnt know who you are. No one really knows how much a brain injured person understands, so just act like you normally would, and talk to him like he can hear and understand you. He may not , but just hearing your voice may calm him and help his recovery. I know it is difficult for you, but if you really are a friend, dont give up on him. Visit him and tell him news even if you have to make it up. Play music you know he likes, read books he likes, talk sports if you have to, just treat him as if he is going to make a good recovery. Hopefully he will , but it will be a long hard road, and if he knows you are there for him, it will make him feel safe and give him hope. I wish the very best for him and you. Keep in touch, will you?
Andi
thanks so much for writing back to me. I am going to be very supportive. My friend and I would go out dancing and we would have a great time... He loved to dance.. I went to see him today and he called me a different name but I understand and I continue to talk to him as I would normally and tell him different things that are going on.
His parents are very angry and seem not to have any patients at this time and I understand. I know it must be very hard for his parents to see him this way. I was just a little angry when i went there and to see he had a cut on his head. The nurse told me they were changing his bed and sat him up in the chair and she turned her back for 1 second and he fell out of the chair. This is what makes me angry when they know he can't move his right side and they left him alone??? At times I just want to take him home and make him all better but I know he needs to be where he is at and continue his therapy to get better...
Thanks again for writing back.... God Bless you~~ Linda
You're doing the best thing by being there and being his friend. Take a CD player or radio and put on some of his favorite music -- music is truly therapy.
As for the nursing care, you can be an advocate for him and contact the hospital director of services to file a complaint. The nursing orders should include specific instructions on handling of the patient. I've seen bedding being changed without having to move the patient into a chair -- maybe it just needs to be on their "orders."
The other thing you may want to do is organize all his friends and family to set-up shifts for when people visit. This will ensure that he is not alone very often. Unfortunately, nursing staff in most facilities are overburdened and understaffed. By having friends and family there as often as possible, you can keep an eye on how he is being cared for, help out with small things, and call for help when needed.
You're a good friend -- keep the faith!
Lily :)
lily,thank you for your advice to me. as hopeless as i feel right now, it makes me feel a little better knowing that some people who dont know me are trying to help me through this. thank you again, mel
One of the biggest problems facing people who have strokes is that in many cases there very well not be outward signs that someone who has had a stroke. I recently attended a National Stroke Association symposium on strokes and one of the things that first struck me was that these people look just like me. There were some who had what many consider to be the more traditional signs of stroke but most did not. One of the things that was brought up was how many in the medical profession simply are not up to date on the latest stroke information. One of the things I think people need to be aware of that there are many things out there that claim to be helpful that are not. People have to keep in mind that the human brain has had an injury and that cannot be overlooked. The human brain however is a remarkable thing and it can help itself in many ways. I think one of the major things to keep in mind is that there will be good days and bad days alike. Always keep in mind the saying "it is always darkness before the dawn".Hang in there and have a great day!!!!!!!!!!
Linda Lee,
Please view my former comments above...they also are addressed to you. Please just BE THERE for your friend, offer comfort, encouragement, and help him become educated about what he CAN do (more than CAN'T). Pray together, do things together, try to lead as much of a 'normal' life as possible. He needs you to be his anchor, but always re-direct him toward God for peace, strength, and courage. Our earthly bodies eventually fail us - or we'd never die, would we? Understanding the limitations on earth will help us to focus more on the New Heavenly Bodies that we are promised when we are reunited with God.
God Bless You both and give you hope and continued strength as you TOGETHER take on this journey. Kim
